More excited about a handbag than I have a right to be...

I love all my peeps. You know who you are. My FF peeps, and my IVFC NY Clinic peeps, and my Cyclesista peeps, and my N54 peeps. Those of you that have supported me without judging how slow I am on the emotional stuff. Mwah. Big smoochies to you.

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I totally blew the detox yesterday, drank far too much diet coke and alcohol and now I'm in pain. But I've got to tell you about my shopping exploits. I bought a handbag and wallet at...wait for it...Walmart. For $22 for the pair. And I am so freakin' excited about them you'd think they were from Prada or something. I've been thinking about the logistics of having a school bag and a handbag, and switching between the two. I don't want to carry both a handbag and a school bag on school days, I don't want to carry a school bag on work days so putting everything in the school bag wouldn't work, nor do I want to carry business cards and lipstick and other work-related stuff like my swipey security card to school. Especially if I'm bicycling there, as I don't want to lug around too much needless weight. And I don't know about you, but if I have to transfer individual items between bags, something gets left behind on a routine basis. I'm just crap like that. So I knew if I tried to just transfer the important items I'd end up without a phone for the day, or without my wallet, or something. So I've been vaguely thinking about a wristlet or small bag that I could put the essentials in and then transfer that between the handbag and the school bag. I was in Walmart anyway, so I thought I'd take a mosey over to their wallets and bags, and see if I could find something not too hideous and cheap-looking. I almost, almost bought a bag that was crap but might have worked when I spotted a line of handbags which included a matching wristlet. I almost squealed right there in the store. And the interior of the bag is sectioned off so that when you take the wristlet out, everything doesn't fall into a jumbled heap at the bottom. My wallet wouldn't fit in the wristlet so I ended up looking for another one, and found one that was big enough to do the job, but small enough to work in the wristlet.

So...tada! My wallet, keys, phone, blackberry and vehicle registration stuff all fit in the wristlet, sort of. The blackberry hangs out of a pocket but it's secure enough if it's in another bag, and I can jettison the blackberry and just take the wristlet for nights out or running quick errands at the weekend. It's the perfect thing. Squeeeee!

Marginalizing other choices

Gosh.  Sometimes I wonder what people think they will achieve with a comment that just bashes the blog writer's head in.  I just got a comment on an old post.  And by old, I mean, December 2006, old.  I wonder if the poster thinks that she'll knock some sense into me?  I'll post it:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "At the crossroads of indecision":

NO, "so many women" DO NOT fail donor egg. If you had decided to NOT bankrupt yourself any longer and take your remaining funds to CCRM and do a donor egg cycle, you would be changing diapers right now, instead of reading this post (years after posting).

Sarah, you continued to go down a path that was CLEARLY fruitless in this obsessive quest for genetic offspring. Well, there you have it - zero.

You could have said, hey, I failed 2 IVFs with bad quality eggs/embryos. You could have just been thankful to have the technology to have KNOWN it was time to move onto donor egg and fulfill yourself instead of beating your own head against a brick wall and then sobbing when the wall didn't move for you.

Sheesh! You now have exactly what you set out to have - NOTHING! For Pete's Sake, go the donor egg route and realize your dream of becoming a mom. Isn't that what's paramount?!

Obviously this is someone that "knows" me in the sense of having chatted with me on some board or other.  I assume.  Unless she has just found the blog and thinks she can sum me up in an instant.  But doesn't know me at all in the sense that I have explained time and time again that:

a) I had to come to the ability to accept and want being a mother to a child that was not genetically related to me in my own way and time.  I don't think it was an obsessive quest, but even if it was, what's it to you?

b) I'm not bankrupt - just because I am now choosing to spend my money on acupuncture school and not an immediate donor egg cycle doesn't mean that I couldn't do a donor egg cycle right now if I so chose.

c) I'm not left with nothing.  Through this journey I have had some very deep and painful experiences, yes.  But I've also had profound insights into my own character and have opened my heart.  I think I've become a better person because of it.  I'm radically changing my profession and my entire life because of it.  I would certainly never judge someone that took a different path from what I would do, or what I think they should do. Unlike this commenter.

d) Is becoming a mother what's paramount?  I'm not sure that it is.  I think being the best mother possible is what's paramount.  And if I was honest enough with myself to realize that in December 2006 I would always have thought of donor egg or adoption as "second best" and would always have mourned that hypothetical genetic offspring, then I think that I took the best option available to me at that time.  I'd rather have spent longer getting here, knowing that NOW I am truly fully open to doing a donor egg cycle or adopting than to inflict on my child any slight perceived bias that I might think somewhere in the hidden, dark recesses of my brain that that was not really my child.

e) It never was 100% clear that I could NEVER succeed with an IVF with my own eggs.  I'm still under 40.  I'm still not 100% clear that if I started trying naturally tomorrow and kept trying for the next 3 years that it would be utterly impossible for me to conceive my own genetic child.  Obviously, I'm (probably) not going to do another IVF with my own eggs, but is it 100% clear that there's NO hope of a normal egg?  Not to me it isn't.

f) I don't regret any of my IVF cycles.

In my view, there are far too many women in the IF community that think like this commenter. Even one person with this type of view is too many. Yes, I would have saved money in the long run by not doing so many IVFs.  But if that wasn't the right choice for me, isn't it up to me to decide what IS the right choice?  There are plenty of women out there (and I may be one of them) that decide not to continue with treatment.  That decide that being childfree/childless is a viable option, and one that they are going to go with. Yet there are segments of the IF community (and it seems to be particularly women who have chosen to use donor eggs) that marginalize and put down women who choose not to continue treatment.  PJ at coming2terms has been discussing this recently - how women that are childless are made to feel invisible in this society. 

I know quite a few women who chose to use donor eggs, and who are very happy with their choice. They wish that I could have the happiness that they now have, yet they don't judge that I have not taken that step yet, and may never take that step.  I appreciate every single one of them that has offered me their views on how it has worked out for them.  They truly have helped me move on to being ready to do that myself.  Yet there always seem to be one or two that DO judge, and think that bashing me over the head is a much better way to convince me to do what they did.  And I'm not sure why they can't realize that some of us will get there at our own pace, and will make decisions based on what is right for us at the time, thankyouverymuch. Please, grow some empathy, darlin'.

Aww, I missed it!

100,006.  Damn that game of Sudoku that took me longer than I expected!  Oh well.  It's still pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself.  And thank you Elizabeth for being #100,000!  I feel all warm and fuzzy...

99,975

Oh so close.  Thanks Bleu! :)

99,920

Just saying.

Ooh!

I just noticed my page counter is at 99,841. Nearly at 100,000!

Yet more detox news

So, I know you're all like, totally dying to hear how the detox/weight loss thing is going. I mean, nothing interesting going on the rest of the blogosphere, right? Like, waiting for beta results or twins in the NICU or anything. Nope, you want to hear about my fatness, I am sure.

Well, I stopped the detox on Saturday and as of Wednesday morning I had gained half a pound back. I was fairly angelic with the food choices, I have to say - tons of fresh veggies sauteed in mostly water with a little oil (and a lot of chilli, cilantro and lime juice) with some protein such as tofu or seitan, with protein shakes for breakfast. By yesterday morning it was up to a pound back, as I started having more bad foods. By this morning, after a baaaad day involving cookies, ice cream, pizza and beer, I was back up 2.5 pounds. Some of today's gain I am sure is just water weight from extra salt consumption and the like. But anyway, I am going back on the detox for 4 days. I figure 8 days on, 6 days off, 4 days on, 4 days off, 2 days on and then just try to do it as often as possible on weekends is a good compromise between actually being able to eat occasionally and easy weight loss. We'll see.

Ohming time

I did it! I went along to the Buddhist center. And I might even go back again. It was not entirely what I expected, though. See, the last time I went to a Buddhist center, oh, maybe 9 or 10 years ago, it was to a meditation class. And the monk led us nicely through meditating. It was all very lovely and ohm-inducing. This one, however, was not a class. I mean, it wasn't billed as a class so I'm not sure what I was expecting. They had an orientation for beginners at 7, which I expected to be sort of class-like, then the main meditation started at 7.30. Except the orientation didn't do much other than confuse me, and we were expected to follow along with chants from a book and then basically meditate on our own for an hour. Well, by "on our own" I mean in a room with other people but with no instruction.

It was the chants that really got me. They were written out in Tibetan script, and then phonetically, and then in English. So we were supposed to chant in Tibetan, following the phonetic instruction, while thinking about the meaning. Umm, sorry, but I can't chant in Tibetan and follow the English version at the same time. Maybe one day I will be able to, but there was no meditating on the deeper meaning going on in my head. It was more along the lines of "Om Mani Peme Hung - wait a minute, is this the same as Om Mani Padme Hum but written differently? Om Mani Peme Padme Hu...oh, out of time. Om Mani Peeme Hong....uh, nope." But the more confusing part was that we chanted three times, and then people seemed to speed chant it many more times - I wasn't sure how many it was supposed to be or what was going on at this point. So I just focused on saying it slowly and correctly while the large older gentlemen next to me was going (at a thousand miles per second)..."Um-a-num-a-num-anumanumanumanum..." with his mala clicking around at lightening speed. Or at least, that's how it sounded.

So I didn't reach enlightenment. My legs fell asleep during the meditation and then really effing hurt when I moved. I was not very successful at quieting my mind. That's OK. Nobody is going to do terribly well the first time out. I will try again, most probably. I liked the place - it had a nice calming vibe with lots of pretty hangings and buddha images. The nun in residence was very cute and smiley. I liked that we prayed for world peace and for the health of the Dalai Lama. It didn't feel intrusive onto any theories I might have about God and who or what he/she/it/om is. And I did learn how to say Padmasambhava so I'm sure that'll be useful in the future.

Ohmmmmm

OK, so as part of my brave new world, I have decided to go along to my local Buddhist center tonight for their meditation practice. It's something I have vaguely wanted to do for a while but have always been too much of a lame ass to go. But no more lameness! I am going! I am going to become more involved in community things and not hide myself away from the world in a fit of infertility-induced self pity.

And by writing it here, I'm putting the intention out there so I can't back out.

Brave new world

Going to college now is a lot different than it was 21 years ago when I first went to college. For a start, there was no need last time for professors to lay down the law on cellphones and other communicators in class. Or to state that no texting was allowed. We didn't have such gadgets available to us - cellphones were still yuppie toys the size of a small brick that were carried by the rich. It was a rare person that had a PC in their room - most of us were either too poor or too worried about them getting stolen to have them. There was no information available on the internet about the professors, what the syllabus was, what the textbooks are. I think my college may have had a webpage. A single page. Which gave the address and contact details and a bit of blurb. I certainly didn't research anything online. There was nothing specifying what font your assignments had to be in - the professors were lucky to get them typed. All mine were handwritten. Hehehe, at least I'm not 80, or you'd be subjected to tales of me having to walk barefoot in the snow uphill there and back to get to college.

When it came time to get textbooks, you got your list in the first week and all trooped off to the campus bookstore and were duly price gouged. Now I have found out the textbooks in advance for most of the classes, and have been busy googling. I found one, new, for $26.39 instead of the list price of $106, so I have already snapped it up. I haven't been so lucky with the others, but I am finding them for an average of $75-$80 when most of them are listed at $120 or so. It's also so much easier to buy books second hand, as you're not confined to a noticeboard on campus, hoping that nobody else beat you to that one posted copy of one of your books.

Much of the difference, I am sure, is due to the fact that I will be attending a community college for a semester, rather than the giant university I was used to. The classes are limited to either 28 or 37 people, depending on the subject. There are strict attendence rules. It's like going to a high school in many respects, rather than what I would classify as the university experience. Certainly there will be no getting away with sleeping at the back of a giant auditorium packed with 200 or so fellow classmates.

Of course, I am a lot different too. I will be the nerdy mature student sitting in the front row. At least, while I'm at the community college - I expect everyone will be the same when I get to acu school and we'll all be interested and excited about learning. The community college work load doesn't scare me (although the acu school one does). However, it is nice to start a semester actually intending to do all the work rather than try to skate through doing the absolute minimum possible so as not to cut into my drinking and partying time.

But all of this brave new world is not helping me to feel less cut off from my old world. I am not doing much infertility blogging these days - either reading or writing. I do have a post brewing about my next step, but it will percolate for a while longer. But essentially I often feel like the failure that dropped out off the end of the world. There's no happy baby story at the end of the day for people to relate to - although I know that my story isn't entirely over yet. I am not even doing much with my other little "hobbies" like researching my perfume addiction or hanging out on immigration boards. People accuse me of being addicted to the immigration boards if I go to post to try to help out someone who is still waiting for that elusive green card. I haven't even been to the diet board in a while as I've been doing the "stuffing my face" thing followed by the detox thing. Ahh well, I guess I'll figure all this out as I go along. Any suggestions for new interests, though? It's got to be something cheap. But it'd be nice if it had a community I could chat with.

Futureproofing

Behold, my efforts at being self-sufficient!

Bwahaha, like that's ever going to happen. But I did decide to plant two fruit trees, a mango and an avocado. No doubt I will have moved before they produce fruit but hey, maybe it'll be a selling point for the house - that it comes with the possibility of some fruit. And yes, I know the mango is very close to the fence, but there's not many other places for it, and besides, it's supposed to be a small variety that can be pruned to shape. And it's the neighbor's fence.  But I might move it in the next day or two as it's not right.

Once I buy a machete so I can get into the coconuts that already grow in the yard, I'll be set. Errr, mango and coconut guacamole, anyone?

Oh God, I just had to chew...

I couldn't keep it up any more. I just couldn't puree one more cup of soup, so I am breaking the detox. I am trying to still eat super healthily, and in fact, my dinner was just vegetables, herbs and spices so it's exactly what I would have made into soup, but you know, I got to use my teeth. Protein tomorrow, yay! I am planning on picking it back up again next weekend to try to keep the weight loss going. And then I'll transition back to 1700 calories a day, which will probably seem like having a Thanksgiving meal every day after this fast.

I tested my cholesterol this morning, thinking that I'd go book a physical with my doctor if it was good. But annoyingly it was sky high. In fact, it was 100 points higher than the last time I tested. 100 points! I am more and more convinced that IVF meds cause my cholesterol to spike. What's worrying is that it's been over a month since I actually took any meds so I dread to think what it must have been right after the IVF. I must get it down, so I must step up the exercise and start adding some cholesterol lowering foods. You'd have thought that 8.5 days on nothing but fruit and veggies would have dropped it down, but maybe it hasn't been long enough. Sigh. I guess if it doesn't drop soon I will have to go to the doc, but I know I can get it low again and I really don't want to have to take cholesterol drugs or have that as a preexisting condition. Although it may already be classed as a preexisting condition because of last year's spike. Double sigh.

7 days, 7 pounds

Well, I lasted a whole week on the detox! And I am down 7 pounds. Wow, wow, wow. I never thought I would last this long, never thought the weight would come off that quickly and never thought that I would actually not be hungry. And I totally never thought that not only would I have the willpower to do it, it wouldn't even need all that much willpower in the first place.

I am following this plan. Kinda, sorta. Loosely. Trust me, I was very skeptical of the detox. A bunch of women at work got into it last summer, and I scoffed and said that they would never keep the weight off. But most of them have, surprisingly. Well, at least a good portion of it. And then a few of them started up again this summer and I got suckered in.

The author expects you to do colonics, and follow this regimen of green drinks and berry drinks, with fresh veggie juice for lunch, and soup for dinner. But I have been doing my own thing, pureeing fruit and fruit juice along with a "greens" powder so I have one mixed, juice, and I make enough of it to have it several times in the day. But it's a filling juice, because it has lots of pulp and spirulina and other good stuff in it. Most mornings I have had a fiber drink in the mornings as one of my juices. And then I've been having soup twice a day but no veggie juice. And no colonics or enemas or any of the many other things she recommends. But it seems to be working. The key is to take in 8oz of something that gives you nutrients, like a juice/greens powder mix or a soup, every 2 hours. Religiously. Not letting yourself go much longer than 2 hours so you don't get starving hungry is crucial. And usually I try to have 8oz juice then 8oz herbal tea then 8oz water, at least in the morning. By mid afternoon I am down to less volume as I might cut out a water drink, or a tea, or whatever. But I am basically drinking all day. No protein, no salt, no dairy, no chewing. There's also a specific plan for breaking the detox, including when to introduce protein and other things.

On the health front, I am finally feeling happy and energetic. I think I got over the crabbiness slump and the headachey period. I can see some rosiness in my cheeks which didn't used to be there and it might be my imagination but I think the dark circles under my eyes are lighter. My fingers and toes no longer ache, but I am still getting a small amount of foot puffiness by the end of the evening. And as for bathroom issues, I am feeling very "light" in that regard. Meaning that although I usually "go" every day, often I still feel kind of blocked up. And sometimes I find that I'm not feeling too "empty" and need to go again 2 hours later because my body didn't do a good job of clearing everything out in one go. Sometimes by the end of the day I feel like my stomach looks like a balloon because I am constipated. Even if I've already pooped twice that day so I am not in fact constipated. So right now I'm only "going" once, and not feeling balloon-like by the end of the day, which is nice.

I think I'm going to stick at it until Monday morning, which will be 10 full days, then I'm going to do 5 days of super healthy food in accordance with the schedule to break the detox (so I can have some protein, and more importantly, can chew some food), then go into another 10 days of detox so I can really try to get 10-15 pounds off before I go back to my sparkpeople plan of eating 1700 ish calories a day.

I'm a student, baby!

I did it! I registered for my classes at the local community college. I stayed up until midnight last night, as that's when registration opened for me. I got my second choice schedule, but that's just fine and dandy as that's what I was aiming for. My first choice of schedule became impossible last week some time, when the 9.30am psychology classes filled up and were no longer available. So I had to shuffle a couple classes and instead of going 9.30 to 6.15 like I originally planned, I will now be going 8 to 4.45. Not being the earliest morning bird, this is a tad worrying, but I'm sure I'll be fine. I am taking 5 classes to get all the credits I need - English composition, speech communication, art appreciation, general psychology and intro. to American government. Suddenly the recent advisor's warning of a heavy course load seem to be ringing true. But seriously, how hard can some of those be? Two of them at least should be easy peasy.

However, by starting earlier it will make cycling to college easier because it'll be cooler earlier in the morning. Yup, cycling. I had originally planned on going Tuesday and Thursday during the day, and then taking one class on Wednesday night. The Wednesday night class was partly because the acupuncture school has me doing late classes three nights a week and I thought it'd be good to ramp myself up into that type of schedule by taking one night class now. But then gas prices kept rising and I thought that in order to save money I really should only take two trips to the college a week instead of three if I could manage it. And that led to a google maps session in order to figure out the shortest driving route, which told me that the community college is only 4.5 miles away. As my office is 4.8 miles away and I cycled several times last winter it suddenly dawned on me that I could really save gas money and get myself fit if I just cycled to college. Oh, and save the environment, blah blah blah.

All of which, naturally, gave rise to a shopping spree. Some of you may remember that a while ago I said I'd found and ordered the perfect eco-friendly school bag. But alas after I ordered it, the company emailed me and said due to an inventory glitch they didn't have the color I wanted and would I very much mind having plain black? To which I said no thanks, because, well, I'm vain. So I have been waiting, half-heartedly thinking it would be much more eco-friendly if I just made do with the bags I already have, half-heartedly looking for another one in other places, and also thinking about the yummy Timbuk2 messenger bags that I had previously spotted. But, after the cycling decision (and also realizing that unless they change the schedule I can't take the train to the acu school but instead will have to drive), I decided that I just had to have a messenger bag. I prefer cycling with a messenger bag than a backpack for some reason. So it was off back to the Timbuk2 site, where they had new colors on the hemp/PET bags, and voila. I spent money in the blink of an eye. I got this cute brown one that so reminds me of an old school satchel, it makes me want to squeal.

Obviously, I then had to fill my new messenger bag, so the back to school sales started calling me. Leading to the purchase of a delightful assortment of pens, highlighters, markers, mechanical pencils (oh I do love me a mechanical pencil), a stand-up pencil case, a ruler, a large notebook and a small notebook and some bicycle safety accessories. And here we are. Due to a forgetful moment when ordering, I got the small size so the bag is actually too small to hold my stuff plus lunch plus a textbook. Let alone 5 textbooks, one for each class I am taking. So I will just have to hope that either none of my professors require textbook toting or that the cafeteria serves dirt cheap and healthy foods. Or that I can figure out how to make reaaaallly flat sandwiches. Or that I somehow figure out how to take along some dried food that can be reconstituted with water from a drinking fountain or something.

More detox

Sigh. I feel really blah about waffling on about my detox. It's like when I was doing IVF I had something to write about that I knew everyone else would be interested in or could relate to. Because we're all IF'ers. But now...blah. I mean, I think about babies and kids and pregnancy many times every day. Many times. Most of the times these days it is just wistful, and doesn't hurt, so I am very lucky for that. I really have retained that amazing peace and calmness that came to me. I am not angry at how this worked out (or rather, didn't) and I don't resent anyone else their ability to become parents. Although I will admit, the resentment factor was tested at Walmart last night, but hey, I pulled through. Nobody got glared at. Nobody went home sulking. But...you don't want to read that, I'm sure. You don't want to hear how I looked at someone else and yes, while I thought "why does she get to have kids and not me?" it was immediately followed by "meh, why do I get to have all the advantages *I* have and not her?"

But anyway. So, this detox can be done for up to 21 days. A friend at work did it for 20 days recently and she is the one that is pushing me along. Another friend did it for 2 weeks. They both lost 10-14 pounds, and more importantly, have kept most of the weight off. But I want to stop, I really do. It's not actually that hard, as I am not that hungry and not craving any particular food but I am so tired of not chewing. I am tired of drinking goopy juices and soups all the freakin' time. But I want to lose the weight. I started this detox being all about getting rid of the toxins and feeling healthy again after my recent bad eating habits, but now it's all about the weight loss. I want to get back on track to where I was before I went to Vegas and did that last IVF. I want to at least get back under 180, which I haven't been for over a year. Probably well over a year. Probably closer to two years, and if we don't count occasional dips into the 170's after hard dieting efforts, we're probably talking about 2.5 years of being mostly above 180. I am tired of it. I don't want to be this weight. I also want to feel amazing and fantastic. My friend J. said that towards the end of the first week on the detox she was like this peaceful, spiritual person who was loving the world, and her skin was glowing and she was feeling so energetic and healthy. I want that. However, she said that during the second week she became really crabby - of course I seem to be moving straight to crabby without passing beatific. Such is life, I suppose.

Nevertheless, as of right now, I am still on the detox. The longing to lose weight is winning out over the longing to stuff food in my gob. It's touch and go, but so far the scale is winning. And I am down 5 lbs as of this morning.

Math, math, hellish math and detoxing

Why is it, when you are detoxing and/or dieting, every single freakin' ad on TV is for food, food, glorious food? Unbelievable. But, I will say that at least that helped me turn the TV back off last night and catch up on some math studying. I worked through all my algebra and arithmetic topics like a good girl, and went to bed feeling quietly confident, having just scored 100% on a practice test. Yay me.

So this morning, bright and early, I went along to the local community college, paid my fee, and sat down to take the placement test. The English tests went well. Except two of the questions were misleading as there was more than one potentially correct answer to both of them. But whatevs. Then up popped the algebra test. Hmmm, I thought, I thought I was supposed to get arithmetic before algebra, but OK, whatevs, maybe arithmetic will be later. I trundled through them, doing well, feeling good. And then that test finished, and the computer told me I was now moving on to college level math. Ruh-roh. See, I didn't study for college level math. I only studied for algebra and arithmetic. Everything I read seemed to imply that only algebra and arithmetic were needed. But nope. I did not get to do the arithmetic test and there it was, the first question on college level math, asking about trigonometry. I mean, really. What IS a sine or a cosine? [No, don't tell me, I don't actually want to know.] I used to know at some point in my life what those things were, but that was over 2 decades ago.

Ah well, c'est la vie. So I took a wild ass guess and kept going. Luckily a lot of the questions could be figured out somehow, even if my methods were not exactly elegant or the proper way to do things. And the final results were: reading comphrehension - 112, sentence structure - 119, algebra - 119, college level math - 63. Ahem. We can tell where I didn't brush up, can't we? And, as an aside, why is it that American tests go over 100? In good old blighty, most test results would be out of 100, no matter how many questions there are, so to make 20 questions add up to 119 is a bit confusing to me. Although I know that it's an adaptive test where they make the questions harder if you do well, and easier if you don't do so well so I guess that's where the extra points come in. Anyhoo. I knew I had to get 83 or above in English to place into the college level classes, so I was pretty safe there, and I that I had to get 72 or above in math but wasn't sure if it was an average result or needed in each subject. And anyway, I'm not even doing any math classes, so I just needed enough of a result to enable me to be awarded credit. So the guy in the test center told me to go to Advising to find out.

Off I went to Advising, where I sat and waited for a while, and then finally got to see someone. Who again didn't understand the concept of me having a bachelor's degree but not having ANY general education credits, nor why I didn't have to do math classes now. So I went through the whole spiel again about how not every country in the world has the same educational system, and that my entire degree is science and math so I am exempted from science and math now. But finally she got it, and said I was good to go, as it was only algebra I had to get 72+ on. So she said I was cleared to sign up for the classes I want, after warning me that I am taking on a VERY heavy class load and that I will struggle. Whatevs. I guess when you're used to dealing with reluctant 18 year olds what seems like a heavy load is different than it appears to a 40-ish year old who has taken bar exams while working full time at a law firm.

So - hoorah for the end of math! Hoorah for the placement test being done! And now it's on to hoping that the classes I want at the time I want them are still available when general registration opens up on Thursday. Right now the degree-seeking students are able to register and people like me can only watch the number of available places in each class tick down slowly. Hopefully it will all be good.

I am still detoxing, by the way. I am down 4.5 lbs. I really, really want to chew something though, so I'm not sure how much longer I will keep it up. I had this initial thought of doing 4 days, Friday-Monday, which I've done, and then maybe keeping it up through the following weekend, to do a total of 10 days if it was going well. I kind of want to do 10 days but then again, I really want to eat real food. So I am mostly taking it hour by hour at the moment. As of right now, I am still on it.

Smoooth

I have found myself, at various points today, rubbing my skin. Like my cheek, or my upper arms. Just aimlessly rubbing because it feels so silky soft and smooth. I guess the detox must be working.

The headache is mostly gone, although small remnants of it are lingering around.

Aargh

I was quite diligent with the math studying yesterday. Although I still wasn't feeling quite prepared enough by the time 10pm rolled around. And just as I was working on some test problems while debating whether to push through for another couple of hours, the infamous detox headache hit. And in seemingly no time at all it developed into a horrible, terrible, no-good, head-pounding, brain-splitting headache.

I went to bed. I tossed and turned. The headache burned. Random thoughts were whirling around my brain, not making any sense but keeping me awake. I debated taking some good old strong painkillers but then I am supposed to be detoxing, so wasn't sure if that was appropriate. In the end I decided I would just wait it out. I downed a ton of water, thinking that maybe it would help flush everything through, and it did seem to help a bit. I eventually dozed off. But then woke up again fairly soon afterwards with my head pounding, and now thirsty. So that's pretty much what I did all night, wake, drink, try to relax, doze, wake, rinse, repeat.

There's no way I can do a college placement test today. I am rapidly running out of time, of course. Bleh. So, I am now aiming for tomorrow morning, and am hoping it will be good enough. And hoping that my brain can cooperate - if it doesn't shape up by tonight, I am seeking help in pharmaceuticals.

Yes, you did all tell me that detoxing while studying math was crazy!

Detox, III

Amazingly enough, I have not fallen off the wagon yet. Of course, it helps that I am not doing an extreme fast, like trying to survive on just water for 3 days. I've tried that before, and crashed and burned spectacularly. Nope, this time I am trying to feed my body with good nutrients about every 2 hours. But it's all fresh juices or pureed drinks or soups - nothing solid, and only fruits or veggies or teas with the occasional herbal supplement like spirulina. No dairy, no other protein sources, no salt, no coffee, none of that nasty stuff.

I feel pretty good, although again my fingers and toes are stiff. My feet are nicely deflated though, and not puffy any more. I had a nap yesterday afternoon, and took a short bike ride. I will try to do some gentle walking today. Or maybe swimming.

This morning, after 2 days, I am down 3.5 lbs. I know it's not going to be a permanent loss, but if I can hang on to half of whatever I lose, I will be happy. I might even keep it going for a few days longer as I'm doing so well on it at the moment.

As for the math, meh, still haven't done any. I did do some English yesterday (it's a math and English test, but I am more confident on the English). So today HAS to be solid math day. I'll start soon. Promise.

Detox, II

So far, so good. The headache yesterday afternoon went away after that extra cup of tea, although it kept trying to come back all evening. I made myself a delicious soup for dinner - I boiled onion, celery, carrot, green bell pepper and a potato for a while, then added a lot of kale, boiled a bit more, then threw in some hot pepper flakes and a giant bunch of coriander. Then pureed. Deelish! I went to bed as it got dark, which was super early but I need the rest.

And didn't study any math. I will, I will, promise! Unless that headache comes back. Actually, no, I must power through. I have GOT to sit that college placement test before Thursday.

This morning I am down 2lbs, which is good, although I am not convinced that yesterday's weight was accurate as it had shot up 1.5lbs since earlier in the week, so it may have been a temporary high blip.

Today my hands are feeling quite stiff and sore, and my feet are swollen and painful. One of the reasons I wanted to do this detox is that lately my feet swell every day and get sore by the end of the day. It really bothers me - not in the sense that I can't stand the pain - it's not that bad, nor are my feet so giant that it's affecting mobility or anything, but more in the sense that this means something bad is going on. Is it the extra weight I'm carrying? Is it something else? I keep reading that edema is a sign of high blood pressure, but I keep checking at those cuffs at places like CVS and it is as normal as ever. Anyway, it concerns me and I need to do something about it. Whenever I finally get to the regular doctor for a checkup, I will mention it if it doesn't stop by then. Usually it is OK in the morning, so it's kind of both annoying and gratifying that this morning my feet are bad. Hopefully this means the detox is doing something.

Detox

3.20pm, day 1: The headache has hit, and I feel slightly nauseated. Bleh. The hunger isn't too bad, as I'm taking some liquids in every 2 hours. But I AM hungry - it's manageable at the moment, although I'm starting to worry about the rest of the day.

Other than that, I feel fairly upbeat and energetic.

So far I've had:

breakfast (8am) - juice drink (ingredients listed in previous post), green tea, water, enzyme tablets
snack (10am) - juice drink, white tea, water
lunch (12pm) - broccoli soup, white tea, water
snack (2pm) - juice drink, raspberry tea, water

I'm now sneaking in a quick extra tea. I might also switch up the juice for the 4pm snack, as I'm getting bored of the juice I made this morning, although there is plenty left. I bought some premade juices, so I might have a Bolthouse Farms Vedge juice instead of the fruity stuff.

Not quite sure how I'm going to study math this evening, but we'll see.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Drove down to the big city last night to drop the relatives off for their flight. Yay! I have my house back again! But I have to say, it was actually nice having them here, and I'll probably miss them. We did do quite a lot of fun stuff. It was way less stress than hosting my dad and his wife, so it was mostly cool. But I do like my alone time so I am looking forward to the weekend.

I had a weird experience driving back though. I was tootling along I-95 on the way home (because I now tootle instead of speed, all in the name of saving gas), at about 9.45pm, when this white minivan went past me, with their interior light on with a woman in the passenger seat banging on the windows at me, and it looked like she was shouting. My heart leaped into my throat, because I immediately thought that perhaps she'd been abducted and was crying out for help. [See? I can do the American fear thing too!]. So I sped up, so I could overtake them, and she was gesticulating again, but she looked pretty happy and had a smile on her face. So then I decided she hadn't been abducted but thought that maybe my lights weren't on or something, or they were a bunch of college kids having fun (she was quite young). So I got all paranoid about the lights, but nope, they were on. I continued on, and they seemed to slow down. But I started getting more and more worried that maybe she really had been abducted and that it might be my duty to try to get her help. So I slowed down, and let them overtake again, phone at the ready to call the cops. This time she was clearly making silly faces at me. I tailed them for a bit, and overtook one last time, trying to appear nonchalant that I just happened to be driving at erratic speeds. She was definitely waving. I have no idea what it was about. Either someone will come up to me today and tell me what a feckin' idiot I am for not recognizing them, or someone will realize that they were waving at the wrong damn car. I have a fairly unusual car - there's maybe 2 or 3 in the local area - so maybe they thought I was a friend of theirs. Freaky, though. But if that was you - hey! hi! great to see you! I nearly called the cops on you, you dolt.

I started my detox this morning. So far, so good, but then I've only missed one meal, AND am allowing myself green or white tea today, so that I can come down from the caffeine high gradually. I might allow myself a cup of green tea tomorrow morning too, I haven't quite decided yet. This morning for breakfast I blended a big juice drink that I will have 3 or 4 times today - I pretty much just put whatever fruits and juices I had left in the fridge into the blender and that was that. Plus a scoop of spirulina. So today I mixed up orange juice, cranberry/pomegranate juice, an apple, a pear and a bunch of cherries. Probably not the most finely balanced or well thought out mixture, but hey, it tasted good!

Freaky deaky

So, has Go***ogle Street View come to your area yet? I mean, I remember the big hullaballoo when it was first introduced and it only had the big cities. I checked out NYC for a couple of minutes, and thought it was mildly interesting. But I was tooling around this morning on the map site, trying to map out a good cycling route to the local community college, and there was the option for street view! They've been out and done my city some time in the past year, and I didn't notice. So up on screen pops my house, in all its glory. With my car sitting in the driveway. And I can go up and down all the local streets. So then of course I have been off exploring, looking at the local park (seriously? Who drives down the road in the park apart from the park maintenance people?), my office building, the supermarket, the fancy shopping street, the elementary school. I don't know why it is so freaky, but it really is. You can rotate the view, look up and down, go down streets, look left and right. Freeeaaaky.

It kind of makes me long to live in a gated community because it doesn't show them as I guess they couldn't drive past the gates. But I don't suppose it'll be long before big brother is in the gated communities too.

I think I might...

try to do a detox over the weekend. I've been eating like a crazy woman with the relatives here, and they are going home on Thursday night. My fingers are feeling arthritic, which they tend to do if I have had too much diet Coke recently (no, really! It's a very noticeable effect with me). I also feel like I have several years of infertility toxins built up, and am feeling the need to clean myself out before I start on the next phase of my life. Not that I expect any actual "cleaning out" but I feel like it might be good to have something to mark the end of that life and the beginning of the new one. It's more of an emotional thing than a physical thing, but I feel the need to have a physical component otherwise it is just more of the same old stuff that I've been doing anyway.

So, Friday is the day. I think I will try for a four-day liquid-only detox, with fresh juices and soups. And lots of water and herbal teas. And if I can continue it beyond four days, then that will be a freakin' miracle but hey, maybe it'll help me jump start myself back onto my diet.

While studying math. Ruh-roh.

Classy action

Oh, I'm so bad. I did hardly any work yesterday. Registration has opened for the fall semester for the local community college. But not for me. No siree. Just for current degree-seeking students. Registration for credit-seeking but non degree-seeking folks like me opens next Thursday. But, you can now see the class schedule, and you can see how many spots are left on each class.

So of course I spent a few hours figuring out the perfect timetable for me, if I can get into the classes I want. And then I figured out an alternate timetable or two, in case some of the classes fill up. And then I spent a while obsessively logging in again to see the "number of spaces left" number going down. I can tell it's going to be a long week. Because of course even though there are a ton of classes, I've now sorta kinda got my heart set on that perfect timetable so it bugs me every time a place gets taken.

I still haven't even taken my placement exams. Even though I promised faithfully that I would study lots of math while I was in Vegas, I didn't do anything. So now this weekend is designated as studying weekend, after the visiting relatives go home. And I'll take the test on Monday morning, hopefully pass, and be able to register for what I want on Thursday. I hope. Provided there are places left. In fact, you'll have to excuse me a moment while I go and check how it's all going...

Cut adrift

I feel so out of it. I'm sure a lot of this is to do with mostly cutting myself off from the internet for 3 days. My out-of-town relatives have been using my laptop, and I have been paranoid that I might leave it logged in to my email account, or to an IVF site, or to an IF blog. I was even so paranoid as to clear a bunch of things out of my favorites so that the relatives couldn't easily see them. They probably know everything anyway through the family grapevine, but I haven't told them about my IVF exploits, and I see no need to now that I have given up. So I quickly snuck on and did a few things, but kept my surfing very minimal.

But it's of course also to do with actually being out of it. In the sense of out of cycling, out of trying. Done. Finito. I have EWCM going on, and I know it's going to be going nowhere. I know that my cycle will eventually settle into whatever it's new normal is going to be, without the constant interruptions of one drug or another. But I can't help but thinking how fertility can be increased in the cycle following an IVF and wondering if I had a partner if it might make me feel any better, in the sense of having a hope of a miracle. Then again, that might make things worse.

So, a long weekend goes by, and other women get further along in their cycles, or in planning for their next cycle and I am sidelined. And the more I think about things, the more I think that adopting while at school would be just craziness, and then worry about whether I'll be able to do it in 3 years' time or if I could stand 3 years of not doing anything about becoming a mother. Maybe I'll decide that I will be child-free after all, not due to any great wish but due to inaction and delay mounting up on me.

I have also been composing a post in my head about the fear of violence. I do believe that we are only perpetuating the violence, and inflicting more of it on ourselves, if we are constantly scared and constantly listening to that voice of doom inside our heads. But I can't do the subject justice yet. Perhaps it's partly a different cultural mindset. But having grown up with IRA terrorism, and yes, with street crime going on, I have always known that violent crime could, and probably would, happen to me. So because I have always expected it, I have always taken what I consider to be sensible precautions and moved on. I have not been blindsided by surprise when things happen. I have also not been paralyzed by fear. Then again, while I have been mugged on my own doorstep, I have never had my personal space invaded so perhaps my thoughts are different from some of yours. I want to acknowledge Bleu's comment from the other day, and say that I am very very sorry that what happened to you happened. But I am not sure that we are helping each other by scaring each other.

The River of Grass

Behold the Everglades.  Or at least, the bit of them that I saw today.

Nervous nellies

That's you lot. You're all nervous nellies. I am fine. I am a sensible girl. I always look through the window before opening the door. I have a panic button right there that feeds into my alarm company, that feeds into the police station. I don't invite people in. I live in a nice neighborhood, but I take sensible precautions. Yet, I would rather live my life slightly at risk of a home invasion by opening the door to someone who may need help, than worrying about it constantly and giving myself an ulcer. And if I do die in a home invasion, you can all tell me that you told me so, but also know that I prefer life this way. I am a believer that when it's your time to go, it's your time, and there's not much that can change that.

In 2005, the death statistics were -

Number of deaths for leading causes of death
Heart disease: 652,091
Cancer: 559,312
Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 143,579
Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 130,933
Accidents (unintentional injuries): 117,809
Diabetes: 75,119
Alzheimer's disease: 71,599
Influenza/Pneumonia: 63,001
Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 43,901
Septicemia: 34,136

Homicide is at #15, with 18,124. Which is below drug and alcohol-induced mortality. Now, I'm not saying that #15 is anything to be sniffed at, or that I shouldn't be worried about it. But I am 36 times more likely to die of heart disease than of homicide. Or, given my family history, I'm actually more likely to shuffle off this mortal coil due to stroke or cancer. Or, given the bad drivers around here, due to a traffic accident. And let's face it, the homicide statistics are quite skewed by young men who kill each other in gang incidents.

But, thank you for your concern. It is duly noted. If Dave ever comes back with the money (and yes, I did check yesterday that his car was at the house where he said he was working) I shall tell him that he's not to go knocking on doors late at night as it worries people.

The knock on the door

Not 5 minutes after all the relatives went to bed last night (and no, there was no teeth cleaning or peeing - again), there was a knock on the door. I'm a tad wary of people knocking on the door after dark, and especially after 10pm, but heh, as I'm never one to pass up a good opportunity to find out what's going on in the world, I answered. At least I was still up and dressed, unlike last time there was a night time visitor.

So this guy is standing there, telling me how he's staying at and fixing up the house two doors up, he's a carpenter, and he left his wallet on another job site which is all locked up and he really needs to borrow $10. I mean, the guy launched into this freaky long-ass story about how the wallet is in his toolbox which is locked in the other site, and Alan, who is two streets away isn't in. [Like I was supposed to know who the fuck Alan is.] And I must recognize his car, and he's friends with the gay guys that live in the house, and they asked him to get the house ready to sell. You know, the big one with the bamboo in the front yard. And then how he'd been to two other neighbors to ask to borrow money and they'd turned him down, and one guy came to the door with a gun behind his back. [Hmm, thinks Sarah, why didn't I think of getting a gun, although I have a panic button right next to the front door so I always figure I'll hit that if anything goes awry.] And he can go to Winn Dixie and get some milk, bread and eggs, and he only needs $10 and I can keep his watch as collateral, or his drivers license, and he's a good, honest guy, and blahblahblah. Honestly, I think he was slightly drunk. Or else completely insane. Or just panicked and hungry and not knowing where to turn.

Well, after that song and dance, what could I do? I figured if the guy had the need or just plain chutzpah to knock on a strangers door after 10pm at night, he clearly needed $10 more than me. So I gave it to him. He thanked me effusively, blessed me several times and promised faithfully to pay me back. Yes, you may call me a sucker. But I have no expectations of getting the money back at all, and am perfectly prepared for him to spend it all on booze or drugs, so if I have no expectations of it really being a loan, am I truly being suckered in? Maybe it was just the payment for the entertainment of his story. Haha. Well, we'll see if it comes back again or not.

Observing other people

So, my cousin will say that he is going to bed. And then appears to just...go to bed. No peeing, no teeth cleaning, no face washing. Nothing. Says nighty-night and then off he goes. I mean, OK, so he's a guy, and he's recently separated from his wife, and he's on vacation, so maybe the no teeth cleaning/washing thing is just a rebellion against social hygiene norms. Maybe he is just taking advantage of the opportunity to be a slob. Or maybe he is actually doing it, but I am not noticing (kind of hard in my house, as it's very small, but hey, I guess it's not beyond the bounds of possibilities).

But how on earth can you go to bed without peeing?

It's just not possible! I have to pee right before I go to bed. And even if I do my pre-bed pee, and then get distracted into doing something else, like scooping kitty poop or turning the dishwasher on, most of the time, I have to go and pee again, even if it's going to be just a few drops. It's I suppose mostly in my mind, but I cannot get to sleep if I haven't emptied my bladder recently.

Is my cousin an aberration or am I? Was I just mercilessly trained by my mother to avoid peeing accidents and now it's so ingrained my brain just won't let me turn off without going through the rituals? Am I weird? I like to think that he's the weird one. He must have a bladder of steel, or something.

Disoriented

I have family from merrie olde Englande staying with me. I had to rush down to Miami to pick them up on Friday night, and then the entire weekend was a whirlwind of chauffeuring them around that fair city to show them the sights. Freakin' exhausting, I tell you. And what's exhausting on top of taking them around to places is trying to think up things that they might like to do, as they don't have a clue, apart from that they don't want to go to Orlando to go to any theme parks. But they do want to go to Walmart, Old Navy and White Castle. One of which I don't think we have around here. It's funny how all my English relatives want to visit Walmart - it's pretty much the one thing I can guarantee that they will want to do. Oh, and they want to go to the Keys and the Everglades. Both of which I think they'll have to do on their own, as they are a bit time consuming for me to fit around work, unless we take a weekend trip to the Keys. Which reminds me, I should look into hotels on Key West for Saturday night just in case.

Anyway, we finally got home on Sunday night, and I was able to check blogs and email after they went to bed. And was so surprised to see that life had only moved on 2 days since I last logged on. Time had stretched so long because we jammed so much in, that it felt like I had been away for a week.

Well, crap.

Thank you Alex for pointing out that I might not be able to get individual insurance at all, due to my infertility treatment. I was naively assuming that because it was over and done with, and I am not trying to conceive any more that it wouldn't be a preexisting condition. Just goes to show that you should never underestimate the evilness of insurance companies.

The good news is that going part-time at work such that you no longer qualify for health insurance is an event that can trigger COBRA continuance of coverage. Of course, that is crazy expensive, and only lasts for 18 months. But it is there if I need it. And a fellow Sunshine-stater (not naming names to protect the innocent, but you know who you are) managed to find a health plan that covered her after a 12 month exclusion period. So if I get the same plan, at least I know I can switch from COBRA after 12 months.

I will keep digging, of course. But thanks for letting me know! What would I do without my bloggers?

Oh, and for Kymberli, I am going to study acupuncture! So I'll be involved in infertility in one way or another for the rest of my life. It's the gift that never ends...

Dreading

As I've posted about before, I am going to be transitioning to part-time work in August so that I can go back to school. Hopefully it will be with my current employer, but they are lazy asses about telling anyone anything so I still don't have official confirmation that they will let me do this. I've had several vague assurances of "it should be OK" but no real proof. Anyway, I'm going to school come what may, so it's either going to be part-time here or at Starbucks or somewhere.

Which brings me to the subject of health insurance. I won't be working enough hours to qualify for health insurance any more, so I am going to have to get individual coverage. I think I have found a plan that I like, although of course need to do a bit more shopping around to see if it really is the best fit out there. But, being as it's individual coverage and I'm cheap so don't want to pay a fortune for all the bells and whistles, it's not going to give me as much as I get now from my work plan. So, from now until the middle of August is officially designated as health-care frenzy time. I will be trying to get in as many routine visits and well person checks as I possibly can before the current insurance runs out. Just to make sure that I'm in the clear on everything, you know. And then if I decide that I'm going to alternate years with some of these things, it won't be such a big deal.

I've already had my eyes checked. My yearly dermatologist check for skin cancer is tomorrow. At some point I'll do a home cholesterol check to make sure the number is not sky high and then make an appointment for a regular physical (if the cholesterol is sky high, I will be living on oatmeal and almonds for a month to try to get it down before getting it officially checked - I definitely don't want any pre-existing conditions going on!). I've got a dental appointment booked for some time in early July.

And then I need to book a pap smear. It's been about a year since my last one so I really should get it done. But I'm dreading it. Even though I'm all "evolved" and "at peace" now, the thought of sitting in that waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women is seriously scaring me. I've been having them done over the last few years at the RE's, which has been lovely. No interminable delays waiting for the doc because he/she is off delivering babies. No watching pregnant women come and go from the waiting room in a constant stream while I sit there feeling folorn. No cheery questions about what I'm doing for birth control. So going back to the regular OB/Gyn is not something I'm looking forward to. What if I can't handle it? What if it just turns me right back into that bitter place, and I get stuck and can't get out? I guess I could keep getting it done at the local RE's (he did offer, as he said he does that for some of his infertility patients who don't want to go back to the OB/Gyn), but then I'd have to pay out of pocket as my insurance won't touch anything that comes from anywhere with a name beginning with the initials IVF. And paying out of pocket kind of defeats the object, doesn't it?

Regrets, I've had a few

[No, this isn't a post about my new haircut. It's perfectly cute, but I just can't get an "after" photo that I am happy with yet, mostly due to my fat neck and chubby cheeks and bad skin. But I will get one at some point.]

One one of my recent posts, a person left a comment that included the following:

Sarah, your posts were quite an inspiration to me for such a long time - thank you for sharing, truly. ... I saw what you and other ladies were going through - IVF after IVF after IVF after IVF after IVF - seemingly until infinity, with what was clearly an egg problem. ...[has a child through donor embryo]... Thanks to the experiences I saw of couples losing their homes and life savings to do endless IVF's all for the chance at genetic offspring that they'd never have and were left with nothing - thanks to all of that, I avoided the same mistakes.What a blessing. I wish the same for you.

Now, I have removed a lot of the information from the comment, so perhaps you could say that I am taking the sentences I have left in out of context. But I don't think so. And I know that the comment was posted with the best intentions, and perhaps to give me hope, but it really made so many assumptions about my life and my experiences that I wanted to comment on it.

First, lets talk mistakes and regrets. Sure, I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. I've had a few regrets. I think particularly of that time about 10 years ago when I got incredibly drunk after inviting a few friends back to my place, and decided that it was high time I was loud and proud about my new-found (and thankfully short-lived) love for Celine Dion and to tell them that I wasn't ashamed that I had a CD of hers. I don't think I'll ever forget the look of horror and disgust on one of my friend's faces as Celine warbled out of the CD player. That is something I'll regret for a long time. But I will never regret doing any of the IVF's that I have done. Never. They were not a mistake.

The IVFs and IUIs that I have done were a precious chance at following a dream that I have held all of my life. Sure, they were expensive. Of course I wish that insurance had covered them. But each and every one was thought through carefully, down to the choice of doctor, the medication protocol, whether we'd covered all of our bases, whether I should really do it or stop there. Each and every one of them gave me hope, and an opportunity to have the child I so desperately wanted. Each of them taught me something about myself, about my strength and resilience, about how far I was willing to go to chase a dream, about love, about compassion for myself and others. Each of them was a valuable, valuable experience. I do not regret them at all.

And "clearly an egg problem?" It's OK to say that in hindsight. And sure, we suspected an egg problem right from the get-go. But there was no "clearly" about it until I did that CGH testing. I have still not hit 40. It is still not beyond the realm of possibilities for me to produce a normal egg, even with a clear egg problem. It is not, even with an egg problem, a ridiculous notion to shoot for the moon. Even if you know the chance is slim, if it is a chance that you are willing to take, why not? Why shouldn't a person who has the emotional, physical and financial resources do IVF repeatedly? Even to infinity? Although of course nobody would do them to infinity, because everyone has a point at which they will stop. But there's not an RE in the land that would say to someone in my situation that I'd NEVER have my own genetic child. They'd rightly say it was a very low chance, but nothing in this business is an absolute.

Let's also talk about couples losing their homes and life savings. Losing their homes? I haven't come across that, personally. Maybe someone out there has lost their home due to infertility treatment. If so, it's news to me. Would anyone really go that far? Maybe. I know people who have taken out second mortgages to pay for IVFs, and that's certainly a valid financing option. I would definitely have considered it if that was the only way to pay for IVF. Maybe such a move tipped the balance for someone into a precarious financial situation. But presumably only after another situation, like losing a job, intruded into their plans for paying the money back. But it ain't me, babe. The only debt I have is my mortgage. There's just the one, no second mortgage. And even today after the housing slump, I have more than 50% equity in my house. Life savings? Well, let's be real here. What are we saving for? The vast majority of people doing fertility treatment have a good 20 years, usually more, to make up for any shortfall in retirement savings. So let's take retirement off the table. I don't know about you guys out there, but I was saving so I could have a good and enjoyable life. So I could provide for my kids, so I could pay for their college education. But if there aren't going to be any kids, then we're talking a whole different ballgame. There isn't so much of a need to have a savings cushion in the first place. Besides, going back to me, not only have I not taken on any debt, I have not spent my life savings. I still have some left. Plenty, really. Enough to pay for tuition for 3 years of a master's degree program and still have some left. And this doesn't include my retirement accounts, which I have not touched. I have not been left with nothing. I don't usually talk too much here about my financial situation, because I know that I am very fortunate in that regard, and I don't feel that it would be appropriate to rub that in other people's faces who are struggling much harder than I am with money. But just because I don't say it doesn't mean that you should assume that I don't have it.

So, please, don't make assumptions about me or how I might have ruined my life doing IVF after IVF after IVF until infinity. I have not. I have been through highs, and I have been through lows that I didn't think were possible to get through. It is causing me to completely change my life. It has opened my heart. It has given me gifts that I am grateful for. My financial situation is my own, it is not yours. My tolerance level is my own too.

I think it's perfectly valid to say "I knew I didn't want to do too many cycles" or "I knew I wanted to save my resources for an egg donor cycle or adoption in case IVF didn't work, so I stopped there" or "I didn't want to go into debt so I knew I could only afford one cycle" or many more other reasons for stopping IVF with ones own eggs. There are plenty, and we each have our own break point. But I don't think it's fair to effectively say "I stopped because I didn't want to make the mistakes YOU made." Because you know what? I didn't. I didn't make ANY mistakes. I took chances, with my eyes wide open. And they may not have given me a baby, but they gave me plenty of other things. I am at peace with that.

After, number 1

Here's the "after" shot from the patio cleaning this weekend.  That's a cat tail at bottom left, by the way - she wouldn't pose nicely for you.  Of course, now the camera is put away she is sitting nicely in the middle of the patio, looking around regally.  Note also the lovely plastic flamingoes.  They were a joke present from my cousin for my Florida yard, but I actually like them.  Not enough to put them in the front of the house, you understand.  But they are fun.  And OK, so the patio isn't pristine white, but it's as good as I can get. And seeing as it was literally mostly black before, it's a huge improvement.  And the eagle eyed among you may spot the leaves at the bottom of the pool, which will be rectified sometime this week.  Maybe.

Stay tuned for another "after" as I'm getting my hair chopped today.  That one may even come with a "before" photo if you're really lucky though I'm not taking one right now as I just got out of bed.

Mulling

At times this weekend, it has felt like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more cycling! No more shots, no more hormone crazies, no more RE appointments (unless I do a donor embryo cycle, caveat, caveat, blah blah blah). No more spending crazy sums of money every single fucking month on something or other. No more prenatals. No more herbs. No more caring. It at times has made me positively giddy and made me want to laugh out loud. I mailed off some of the contents of my IVF meds box on Saturday, and although it's still a giant box of stuff, the act of giving away some of my leftovers felt very freeing.

And then of course the inevitable flip would happen, and I'd go back to feeling sad that my ovaries are so fucking broken that I couldn't produce a normal egg out of the 70+ that I tried with. I tried to call my dad to tell him about the lack of genetic grandchildren coming from me, but I never managed to connect with him. It's a call that's been weighing on my mind, as I know he would dearly love to have grandchildren and my brother is a lost cause. However, hopefully I can keep hope alive for him by telling him about maybe adopting, or maybe meeting a hot guy at acu school and miraculously getting knocked up the old fashioned way (*snort!* *guffaw*). Or prepare him for the possibility of nothing at all.

It's a strange state to be in. I trolled around an adoption board this weekend, and became all choked and teary when I watched a photo montage one of the moms put together about picking her daughter up from Guatemala. It seems like such a great way forward for me. And yet. And yet. Here I am going back to school, and the sensible people in my life tell me that there's no way I can care for a baby while at school and working, because my schedule will be so crazy. Of course, they were the same people telling me not to sign up for school until after I knew the outcome of this cycle because if it had succeeded there was no way I could care for a baby while at school. I figure if it is meant to be, I will find a way somehow. They are right, though, it would be much more difficult than if I was just working full time. And then the cost scares me rigid. Do I try to go with the state, knowing that healthy infants are few and far between? [But then again, maybe waiting a year or two for an infant would be a good thing, as it would get me closer to the end of school.] Or do I try to save up to pay for an agency? And how on earth do you save while working part time? Although there is still the option of renting out a room in my house to bring in extra cash so I guess that could go into the adoption fund. Do I go with donor embryo on the basis that it is cheaper than adoption, but then I am probably not going to opt for maternity coverage on my health insurance, so I'd have to look into whether that's something I can add in prior to a cycle just in case. And then what if I got knocked up with twins which I guess is more likely with young, healthy embryos? How would I handle a complicated pregnancy while going to school 40 miles away and knowing that I would no longer be paid for sick leave once I'm a part timer?

Anyway, there's plenty of time to mull over these options. I'm not going to take any action until the new year, I have decided. I am going to force myself to NOT sign up for anything for six months, so that I can let the dust settle. And there's all that working on the house to do. I spent the weekend pressure washing the patio/pool deck in my back yard (I would have done before and after photos but the "before" was so embarrassing that I decided not to). It was quite satisfying, actually, to blast away the black slimy grime that has collected over the years and to reveal pristine whiteness underneath. It felt somehow symbolic for blasting away the black slimy IF grime that has collected on my soul.

Not doing too bad, considering

Thank you all SO much for your comments and kind words.  This really is an amazing community, full of support and concern.

I am doing OK.  No, really, I am.  Fine, well if you want the truth, I have had a couple of days of feeling really sorry for myself.  I have drunk enough wine to be thoroughly ashamed of myself, taken some leftover valium that I found after rummaging in the medicine box (thank you, local clinic, for deliberately over prescribing valium!), eaten far too much bad food and had some really good sobbing sessions.  But this morning I am calm again.

It really helps that I reached a place of acceptance before this cycle.  Yes, it still hurts deeply that I will never "overcome" being barren.  I will always be infertile.  I will never have my own genetic offspring.  It's something I need to grieve.  But, if that's how it has to be, then so be it.  My life will go on, and I will find joy, much joy, somewhere, somehow.

This failure, even though it has the aspect of finality about it, hurts a lot less than some of my prior failures.  So I'm very grateful that I can see a way forward to having a wonderful life without all my plans having worked out.  I'm grateful that I know that there will be love in my life and that it's all going to work out OK in the end.  That has helped me immensely in the last few days.

In the immediate future, I have school plans to make so that's what I am going to concentrate on, including figuring out health insurance, working out my budget, going part time at work or finding a new job if they don't approve the hours I want.  All that.  There are a few jobs around the house that I want to get done before I have any homestudy or anything like that.  I want a few months of normality before I plunge back into the next step.  And what will the next step be?  I'm not sure.  I'm leaning towards adoption.  Childfree is still an option, as is donor embryo.  I think donor eggs are out for now, because it's too much money and effort.  Even the thought of an FET for a donor embryo gives me the heebie-jeebies because I'm so damn sick and tired of cycling, but there's a part of me that thinks I could stick my name on a donor embryo waiting list and by the time it comes up I will probably be OK about doing a cycle.  But adoption seems to be calling my name more and more, so I guess I will start doing some research about that.  At some point.

So thank you again, wonderful internets, for your support.  I'm hanging in there.

All the Embryos Stopped Growing

The end of the end.

The Fear

Right on cue, the fear is setting in. The fear that I will have no normal embryos and that will be that. I mean, I don't even know why I am stressing so much. I even had a nice dream last night about adopting, and being handed my child, and I woke up feeling like it was a lovely and perfect thing to do. And then my brain started churning, and by the time I was in the shower I was worked up that I'd let myself get optimistic over these embryos and that I'll probably have the rug pulled from under me.

I really am at peace with what happens. I am. I guess I am just invested in these embryos. I suppose that what I am at peace with is that, in 5 years time, I know I will have a good life. I will either be a mother somehow, or I won't, but whatever happens, life will turn out OK. It doesn't stop me hoping that this particular cycle works out. I'm sure it also won't stop me hoping that a particular adoption situation works out if I go down that route. You see the joy coming your way, and you want to grab onto it and get it here as quickly as possible.

So, there's a part of me that wishes I had just done a straight IVF this time, and had transferred my three good embyros. There's a part of me that got so excited about hearing the day 3 news that I started imagining at least one normal embryo, and a successful transfer, and pregnancy and....even having a real, live, healthy baby. And yet there's a big part of me that thinks that 70+ previous eggs (counting my IUI's) all being bad does not bode well for these ones. Especially as I did all those caffeine- and alcohol- related no-nos. I mean, sure, I was zen about them at the time, but now the fear is whispering in my ear that due to a cup of coffee I can't possibly have a decent egg this time. Which is crazy talk, I know. But since when has IVF not made anyone crazy?

Pleasantly Surprised by People

No IVF news today. Just hoping for good embryo growth. I should get a call tomorrow, though, so keep your fingers crossed. And thanks for all the woo-hoo's! :)

But, I wanted to post about how some people at work have pleasantly surprised me in the last few days. Specifically over the issue of gay marriage in California. I was in the lunchroom yesterday, and one woman picked the newspaper up and Tsk'ed loudly and said "ugh, look at all this on gay marriages". I was over at a different table (being antisocial, as I usually am) and my bigotry radar immediately started up. I tuned in, preparing to leap to the defense of anyone who just wants to marry the love of their life, and how it just does NOT destroy the sanctity of anyone else's marriage. Well, the other women at the table changed the subject. So the first woman tried again, with another loud Tsk, and again was ignored. Not bad, I thought, not bad, that nobody else allowed themselves to get sucked in. Not great that nobody said anything positive, but whatever. At least nobody said anything bad.

Today I went to the lunchroom a bit earlier than usual because I was starving. I try not to go early because the "noon crew" are usually loud and obnoxious. In fact, there are two women in particular who rub me the wrong way every time I am in there. They are particularly opinionated, and usually objectionable. So another woman on their table pipes up about gay marriage, again in reference to the newspaper. I braced myself, ready to butt in and give them my opinion. And both of the women that I particularly dislike loudly defended anyone being able to marry anyone they choose, and how the rest of us should just leave them to it and stop making such a big deal out of it. And then went on to say how appalling it is that our state refuses to let gay couples adopt, leaving children in foster care when there are loving families that want them.

I was floored. And VERY pleasantly surprised. It was the last thing I expected out of the mouths of these two women. Just goes to show that you can't judge people or pigeonhole them easily.

Good news!!!!

Oh yay!!!! Happy talk, keep talking, happy talk...

The RE just called. They are biopsying all 7 embryos, as all of them are over 5 cells today.

Of the 7, 3 of them "score" well. LV Clinic scores by assigning numerical values at each stage of the process (details here) - basically anything above 70 is good. An embryo that scores a 100 is an 8-cell grade 1 according to the lingo that other clinics use. My top 3 have scores of 100, 95 and 75. AND, and, and, they did the embryo marker expression test, and the 100 and 95 embryos are marker POSITIVE. Basically, with a positive result then that embryo has twice the chance of producing a positive pregnancy test (for a given age) and there is half the likelihood of miscarriage.

The RE said he was VERY hopeful that this time we will have 1 or 2 normal ones. I never found out my scores or marker results last time as we only swapped voicemails on day 3 and he didn't volunteer any information (although I think he would have volunteered if the results had been good). Now, of course, you can have abnormal embryos that go on to produce pregnancies but end up miscarrying later (or result in Down syndrome children), so again, it's not an exact science. But what good news for the day!

I have a big grin...

Day 3

I am slowly catching up on sleep. Slowly catching up on work. And slowly getting to the bottom of the source of the funky smell in my kitchen.

My suitcase turned up yesterday afternoon, so I was able to be reunited with all the important things in life, like my conditioner and razor.

I gingerly stepped on the scale this morning, and am up 5 pounds. Hopefully 2 of those will drop away quickly as I'm hoping that'll be water weight. Which should leave me just 3 pounds to work off to get back to pre-IVF weight (plus the other, ooh, 43 or so from there). I am determined to get back to healthy eating - I actually missed it while I was away, although that could also be due to frustration at not having (m)any healthy vegetarian options available in the restaurants that were close to the hotel. And I'm pretty proud of myself for facing up to the weight issue this morning, rather than delaying weighing myself for another week as I was tempted to do.

Today is embryo day 3, and somehow I managed to leave my cellphone sitting at home. Which is great in that it'll be nicely charged when I unplug it, but not so great in that I was hoping for a call from the RE about how the embryos are doing. I have emailed and asked if he can call my work number instead, but am not entirely hopeful. Meh.

Cross-country travel

I am home, my baggage isn't.

I think that's pretty much how it goes these days, right? Either you get horribly delayed, or your baggage does.

And woe betide you if you use two different airlines to make a trip, even if those nice internet booking sites suggest it as a great idea. Because you'll be bounced between the two airlines with each claiming that the other has the responsibility for lost suitcases.

Ah well. No biggie. No harm done, as it's all only stuff after all. At least nobody lost my embryos!

Fertilization report

Do you find yourself going through all the possible outcomes in an IVF cycle and telling yourself what the best result would be, what would be a good result, and what would be a respectable result.  And of course, the result below which you will not be happy.  Followed closely by shaking your head and saying to yourself "I can't hope for anything, I will be happy with whatever I get."

So, for example, on being told that you have X follicles, you might go into egg retrieval secretly hoping for X-2 eggs, although telling yourself that X-4 would still be just great, but anything above X-6 is fine, fine, fine.  And knowing that if it's X-10 or lower, you'll be pissed. And then feeling bad that some people don't have anywhere near that number of follicles, so anything above 1 should be considered to be a blessing.

I dunno, maybe it's just me.  But, after hearing the news that I had 9 eggs yesterday, I admit that I started thinking that the best that I could possibly hope for in my wildest dreams would be 7 embryos.  But 5 would be more normal for me.  And I've had 3 out of 9 before, so anything equal to or above 3 would be OK.   I try not to do this to myself.  And you would think that this cycle, when I'm actually at peace with whatever the outcome is, that I would definitely NOT do it.  But I still do/did.  I still run through all the possible scenarios, mentally torturing myself.

The RE just called.  I got my wildest dream for this many eggs, people!  7 out of 9 were mature, and all 7 fertilized normally!!  I have 7 embryos!  Hallelujah!  This is now equal to my previous best cycle, where I got 7 embryos out of 14 eggs retrieved (out of 20 follicles).  So to get 7 embryos out of 9 eggs retrieved (out of 16 follicles) is grrrreat news, as Tony the Tiger would say.  Yay!!

I am not a number, I am a free man

I am back from retrieval.  Finally.  The finally is only because the hotel shuttle bus wouldn't come early for me as they had an airport run to do, so I had to hang around for an extra hour.  But never fear, I filled my time (and face) having pizza, coffee and chocolate pudding from the hospital cafe.  Ahh, the breakfast of kings.

They retrieved 9 eggs, which is a tad disappointing, as I had more follicles than last time, yet fewer eggs.  Oh well, what really matters is if there's a normal one out of the bunch.  And 9 is still a respectable number, after all.  Besides, I'm not going to let the number get me down.  Que sera sera.

So that makes 14, 5, 9, 7, 14, 10 and 9 eggs retrieved for a grand total of 68.  Hey, that's the year I was born.  Maybe that's my lucky number?  But, that's enough for anyone, I think.  My ovaries have been prodded enough!  No more stims for me.  It is quite a relief, actually, to think that I'm finally done on that score.

I am a bit crampy but otherwise just dandy.  I'm going to try to snooze now, except that housekeeping has not yet come to clean my hotel room, so no doubt they'll interrupt just as I doze off.

IVF Musings

I triggered last night, and for the first time I am wondering if I did it right.  My first trigger cycle I think I did an HPT the next morning, just to check.  Then in IVF cycles both local clinic and NY clinic have you in for a blood draw the next morning, to check both estrogen and HCG.  So there was never any need to worry as there was always some sort of confirmation that I did the shot right.  And I've always had a fairly obvious reaction the next morning - nips at full attention, slight nausea, and just that weird slightly dizzy feeling.  Last cycle, I don't remember anything so I guess I didn't give it a second thought, but this time there is something...I don't know...wrong.  No nip reaction, no nausea, no nothing.  I mixed the meds carefully, like I always do.  I injected it carefully at precisely the right time.  No problem.  Except I keep grabbing the empty vial out of the trash just to check that a) it really was HCG, and b) that it is empty.  

I was going to post about how zen and at peace I am.  And I really am, fundamentally, happy and at peace.  It's a deep, deep contentment.  I am amazed that it is still here, so am hopeful that it is a permanent shift.  Thank you for your comments on my post mentioning child abuse, by the way.  They did really help me.  I kept looking for the meaning, but why should I?  I have moved past finding meaning in why I had to go through infertility.  It was just something that happened to me.  No rhyme or reason that I can see.  Just, on the face of it, random chance.  We just have to work with the cards that we are dealt.  So why should I look for a reason for child abuse?  I shouldn't, and I don't have to.  It is something bad that happens to people, that causes suffering.  I shouldn't look for some deeper meaning than that, but should just hope that at least some of the victims can find peace.

But anyway, I also need to learn that being at peace with what is happening in my life doesn't mean that I'm not going to worry about whether I did the trigger shot correctly!  It doesn't remove everything - after all, I still have to function in society, and if that means checking that I turned the gas stove off, then that's an appropriate thing to check.  You can't drift through life blithely assuming that you don't have to look when crossing the road, because you'll only die when you're meant to!  There is a need for basic common sense, after all.

I also wanted to post about the things I have done differently this IVF cycle.  Given that I decided that it will either work or it won't, and I don't have any control over that, AND that if the doctors say my issues are due to chromosomal damage/aging, I decided that having a cup of coffee in the last week is not really going to change anything (and thanks to Margie for that realization too).  So, so far I have kept drinking alcohol - pretty steadily during lupron/estrogen priming, and since starting stims I have had 1 beer, 1.5 glasses of wine, and 1.5 rum & cokes.  I haven't gone crazy, but I haven't stopped completely - after all, when you walk into a restaurant for dinner and they are having a rum promotion and offering as many free rum & cokes as you'd like to drink, it's rather churlish to refuse, no?  I have also been drinking coffee.  In fact, this week I have had two cups a day of the caffeinated stuff, and on some days I have had a decaf coffee as well.  Well, you can't make a good cup of tea without the proper equipment, and an English girl needs good tea or no tea at all!  Besides, there's a coffee shop opposite LV clinic that serves Illy coffee, and that's my favoritest coffee evah, so I couldn't resist.  I have also had diet cokes, which is something I don't normally drink any more.  But, you know, it is hot in Vegas and a nice, ice cold coke sometimes does the trick better than anything else.  Oh, I sat in a hot tub briefly the other day (what?  I was cold when I got out of the pool, yes, even in Vegas).  There's been chocolate.  A packet of doritos.  Chewing gum.  Chemicals galore.  I had a pedicure yesterday, which was lovely.  I have kept up with my Chinese herbs instead of dropping them during stims, as they aren't supposed to interact, and I figure I will need building back up again after ER.  I have been quite sporadic with the prenatals.  And probably a few other things that I am forgetting to mention.  And so far, I've had a good response to the meds, so none of that has made a difference, except made me feel more relaxed about shit.  And, I'm not going to beat myself up for drinking coffee if this cycle doesn't work, because I avoided it every other cycle, and those didn't work either.

Oh, hey, just a brief mention of another first for me - I shot up last Friday on the plane.  While in the air.  After going through some turbulence (but thankfully not while going through some turbulence!).  I am the injection queen!  I have no fear! OK, so I only did the follistim because it's super easy with the pen, and waited until I landed before doing my other shots, but hey.  So now I've shot up in the back of a moving car, and in a moving plane.  And plenty of public bathrooms.  It's probably a good thing that I'm stopping treatment now, because no doubt I'd have to shoot up on a rollercoaster next, just to show that I could.

No, just fat

Trigger tonight, ER on Saturday.  It's all good.

Today he counted 16 follicles, however I think he said 11 were of a good size.  Not coincidentally, that's the same number of follicles he counted in the first scan.  Which just goes to show that there's no point getting excited about additional follicles that pop up as the cycle goes on because they can't catch up fast enough.  But hey, last cycle we retrieved 10 eggs, so 11 will definitely be a better result.  And if maybe he can suck out 12 or 13, so much the better.  Although, frankly at this point, ANY eggs retrieved is a good result so I won't mind whatever the number is.  It really all does come down to the chromosomes, and 1 normal egg out of 1 is really the same result as 1 normal egg out of 20.

I was talking to a woman in the waiting room who had given me the evil eye on Monday.  I couldn't quite work out then if she was reacting to the lack of a wedding ring on my finger or my poofy belly, as they were both in kind of the same area that she was staring at.  Turns out it was the belly, as she said today that she thought I was pregnant.  So not for the first time in this IF journey I was forced to say "no, just fat".  I did add "and bloated from the meds" to which she agreed that she, too, was bloated from the meds.  Uh-huh.  So you're sitting in an IVF clinic, bloated, and a woman comes in on her own for an appointment and you think the poofy belly is not stims bloat but rather pregnancy?  I know, I know, logic doesn't really get a look-in when we're in the midst of infertility angst, but really.

Anyway, I think we're both doing retrieval on Saturday and she was very nice so we wished each other lots of luck and had quite a nice conversation.  After she knew I wasn't pregnant, that is.