Saturday, June 21, 2008

Not doing too bad, considering

Thank you all SO much for your comments and kind words.  This really is an amazing community, full of support and concern.

I am doing OK.  No, really, I am.  Fine, well if you want the truth, I have had a couple of days of feeling really sorry for myself.  I have drunk enough wine to be thoroughly ashamed of myself, taken some leftover valium that I found after rummaging in the medicine box (thank you, local clinic, for deliberately over prescribing valium!), eaten far too much bad food and had some really good sobbing sessions.  But this morning I am calm again.

It really helps that I reached a place of acceptance before this cycle.  Yes, it still hurts deeply that I will never "overcome" being barren.  I will always be infertile.  I will never have my own genetic offspring.  It's something I need to grieve.  But, if that's how it has to be, then so be it.  My life will go on, and I will find joy, much joy, somewhere, somehow.

This failure, even though it has the aspect of finality about it, hurts a lot less than some of my prior failures.  So I'm very grateful that I can see a way forward to having a wonderful life without all my plans having worked out.  I'm grateful that I know that there will be love in my life and that it's all going to work out OK in the end.  That has helped me immensely in the last few days.

In the immediate future, I have school plans to make so that's what I am going to concentrate on, including figuring out health insurance, working out my budget, going part time at work or finding a new job if they don't approve the hours I want.  All that.  There are a few jobs around the house that I want to get done before I have any homestudy or anything like that.  I want a few months of normality before I plunge back into the next step.  And what will the next step be?  I'm not sure.  I'm leaning towards adoption.  Childfree is still an option, as is donor embryo.  I think donor eggs are out for now, because it's too much money and effort.  Even the thought of an FET for a donor embryo gives me the heebie-jeebies because I'm so damn sick and tired of cycling, but there's a part of me that thinks I could stick my name on a donor embryo waiting list and by the time it comes up I will probably be OK about doing a cycle.  But adoption seems to be calling my name more and more, so I guess I will start doing some research about that.  At some point.

So thank you again, wonderful internets, for your support.  I'm hanging in there.


bleu said...

I just wanted to send love Sarah. You are truly an amazing inspiring woman who is such a role model to so many of us.
I hope your inner peace continues to grow and flourish.

Much love and light my friend.

Anonymous said...

Wow! All of that sounds really exciting. New jobs, possible adoption/ FET, school, dating???? Very cool!


hedgetoad said...

Glad to know you are OK.

Sue said...

One thing I've learned is that human beings are incredibly resilient. You've made amazing progress in the last few months and are well on the way to finding your well deserved joy. Good luck with the many exciting changes in your future.

sarah said...

Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. I can't wait to see the rest of your adventure.

calliope said...

thinking of you.
but you knew that.

Alex said...

Hi. Thanks for posting. I recently found your blog (I forget through whom) and while I haven't been commenting much I have been learning your history and also following your current activities and thoughts.

I was glad to see this post that you are doing OK. I also just wanted to put in that a book I found very helpful in terms of providing overviews of the different adoption routes and their pros and cons is Beating the Adoption Odds by Dru Martin Groves and Cynthia Martin. The title is dumb (IMHO!) but the book is quite good. Whether or not you ultimately decide to pursue adoption, this might be a useful resource.

Best wishes to you as you grieve the outcome of this last cycle and move forward.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to wish you peace. I too went thru "hell" to conceive. After numerous failed ivf cycles (8 to be exact) I ended up doing a donor ivf cycle. Now I have a newborn boy from this cycle. In my heart I knew that my truth was not adoption. If in your heart you know that you want to be a mother, one way or another it will happen.

Almamay said...

You are in my thoughts. Look after yourself. Take your time with your next step. x

AllthingsDeb said...

Thanks for updating. Take care of you!

Elisabeth said...

What an inspiring post... your strength and perspective emanate from your words.

Tricia said...

(((hugs))). You are one amazing woman.

Much love

tricia xxx

Cindy said...

Your strength is amazing. Your plans do indeed sound exciting just as a pp said! I can't wait to hear all about acupuncture school. That will be really interesting!

Heck, I should sign myself up on a donor embryo list too! That's a great idea! I want to do it but know it's at least a year or two out from a financial standpoint.