More detox

Sigh. I feel really blah about waffling on about my detox. It's like when I was doing IVF I had something to write about that I knew everyone else would be interested in or could relate to. Because we're all IF'ers. But now...blah. I mean, I think about babies and kids and pregnancy many times every day. Many times. Most of the times these days it is just wistful, and doesn't hurt, so I am very lucky for that. I really have retained that amazing peace and calmness that came to me. I am not angry at how this worked out (or rather, didn't) and I don't resent anyone else their ability to become parents. Although I will admit, the resentment factor was tested at Walmart last night, but hey, I pulled through. Nobody got glared at. Nobody went home sulking. But...you don't want to read that, I'm sure. You don't want to hear how I looked at someone else and yes, while I thought "why does she get to have kids and not me?" it was immediately followed by "meh, why do I get to have all the advantages *I* have and not her?"

But anyway. So, this detox can be done for up to 21 days. A friend at work did it for 20 days recently and she is the one that is pushing me along. Another friend did it for 2 weeks. They both lost 10-14 pounds, and more importantly, have kept most of the weight off. But I want to stop, I really do. It's not actually that hard, as I am not that hungry and not craving any particular food but I am so tired of not chewing. I am tired of drinking goopy juices and soups all the freakin' time. But I want to lose the weight. I started this detox being all about getting rid of the toxins and feeling healthy again after my recent bad eating habits, but now it's all about the weight loss. I want to get back on track to where I was before I went to Vegas and did that last IVF. I want to at least get back under 180, which I haven't been for over a year. Probably well over a year. Probably closer to two years, and if we don't count occasional dips into the 170's after hard dieting efforts, we're probably talking about 2.5 years of being mostly above 180. I am tired of it. I don't want to be this weight. I also want to feel amazing and fantastic. My friend J. said that towards the end of the first week on the detox she was like this peaceful, spiritual person who was loving the world, and her skin was glowing and she was feeling so energetic and healthy. I want that. However, she said that during the second week she became really crabby - of course I seem to be moving straight to crabby without passing beatific. Such is life, I suppose.

Nevertheless, as of right now, I am still on the detox. The longing to lose weight is winning out over the longing to stuff food in my gob. It's touch and go, but so far the scale is winning. And I am down 5 lbs as of this morning.