Monday, July 07, 2008

Cut adrift

I feel so out of it. I'm sure a lot of this is to do with mostly cutting myself off from the internet for 3 days. My out-of-town relatives have been using my laptop, and I have been paranoid that I might leave it logged in to my email account, or to an IVF site, or to an IF blog. I was even so paranoid as to clear a bunch of things out of my favorites so that the relatives couldn't easily see them. They probably know everything anyway through the family grapevine, but I haven't told them about my IVF exploits, and I see no need to now that I have given up. So I quickly snuck on and did a few things, but kept my surfing very minimal.

But it's of course also to do with actually being out of it. In the sense of out of cycling, out of trying. Done. Finito. I have EWCM going on, and I know it's going to be going nowhere. I know that my cycle will eventually settle into whatever it's new normal is going to be, without the constant interruptions of one drug or another. But I can't help but thinking how fertility can be increased in the cycle following an IVF and wondering if I had a partner if it might make me feel any better, in the sense of having a hope of a miracle. Then again, that might make things worse.

So, a long weekend goes by, and other women get further along in their cycles, or in planning for their next cycle and I am sidelined. And the more I think about things, the more I think that adopting while at school would be just craziness, and then worry about whether I'll be able to do it in 3 years' time or if I could stand 3 years of not doing anything about becoming a mother. Maybe I'll decide that I will be child-free after all, not due to any great wish but due to inaction and delay mounting up on me.

I have also been composing a post in my head about the fear of violence. I do believe that we are only perpetuating the violence, and inflicting more of it on ourselves, if we are constantly scared and constantly listening to that voice of doom inside our heads. But I can't do the subject justice yet. Perhaps it's partly a different cultural mindset. But having grown up with IRA terrorism, and yes, with street crime going on, I have always known that violent crime could, and probably would, happen to me. So because I have always expected it, I have always taken what I consider to be sensible precautions and moved on. I have not been blindsided by surprise when things happen. I have also not been paralyzed by fear. Then again, while I have been mugged on my own doorstep, I have never had my personal space invaded so perhaps my thoughts are different from some of yours. I want to acknowledge Bleu's comment from the other day, and say that I am very very sorry that what happened to you happened. But I am not sure that we are helping each other by scaring each other.


bleu said...
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bleu said...

I am sorry if I was scaring anyone. It truly was not my intent. I also want to thank you for what you said. I do, however, want to be very clear that I do NOT live my life in fear at all. I likely have more fearful moments of "caution" than maybe some others but for the most part I just try to be aware and live my life.

It is likely I just opened my mouth and over-shared in an instance where I should not of, I do that more often than I would like.