The morning after

Thanks for the kind words, it really helps. Now the reality is setting in. I really have been through 2 IVF cycles and I have nothing to show for it. If I was unclear before about whether I was infertile (and for the record, no I wasn't), this is really rubbing my face into the pile of infertility dogshit. This is the universe setting up a billboard opposite my home with 20-foot high words on it saying: You Are Barren.

It is better and worse than the failure from the first IVF. That first cycle, I had hope. I mean, IVF is supposed to work, isn't it? So, it was devastating when it failed. But then, most people have success on IVF#2 if they don't succeed on IVF#1, so while this is less devastating in certain ways because I was less hopeful, it is more devastating because I must be more infertile than the average person if I can fail twice. There's more of a panicky feeling of "what if it NEVER works?". There's more of a realization that I may have to face life after infertility without a baby in my arms.

But I am not ready to give up. I'm only 37 for eff's sake. My eggs shouldn't have completely conked out by now. I should still have some fertility left. Somehow I just need to make sure that I grow the magic golden egg, that it fertilizes and that it implants. Seems simple enough, huh? If only there was an instruction book that came with all this.

Anyway, I was quite restrained with the wine yesterday, I think. I had three 6-oz glasses. Which is way less than I'd normally have had using my bucket-sized red wine glasses. See? I'm learning restraint already. Although I did have some ice cream, but they were Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches, so it wasn't as bad as having a vat of full-fat gorgeousness. I spent the night reading "The Sonoma Diet" which arrived yesterday from Amazon. A friend of mine has been raving about it, but to be honest it looks pretty hard to do because a) the portion sizes are teeny weeny, and b) it isn't exactly vegetarian friendly. But I'm going to give it a go, with a few modifications, because it is at least based on healthy food, which is what I need to be eating. So, it's off to the supermarket tonight to stock up on veggies and such. I can and I will do this. I think that's my new motto. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and if I can stick 1.5" needles in my own butt and go through IVF, I can damn well be hungry for a few days. I can damn well get off my arse and exercise, and I can damn well cook something in the evening rather than nuking a pre-prepared meal.

***Edited to Add***

Ever one to take the bull by the horns, I figured I might as well book my post-IVF follow-up appointment now. I'd rather do it early, even though I don't intend to cycle until November, because a) they might charge me for it if I leave it too late, and as this is the only free appointment they do I'm not about to pass up the opportunity to save some moolah, and b) I'm going to ask (yet again) for lots more tests, like immune system tests and a sonohystogram to see if my polyps have come back, so it'd be nice to have time to get those done. My appointment is for September 1st.

Beta was negative

It all fucking sucks, really.

The big day

15DPO. Beta day. I had my blood drawn. I am not hopeful. In fact, I am fighting back tears already.

I saw my RE at the clinic, and he gave me a cheery good morning (though I'm sure I just register as "oh, she's a patient of mine" rather than him knowing my actual name). Then he went straight into the ultrasound room, and I could hear him congratulating someone in there on their pregnancy. It cut through me like a knife because I don't know if I will ever get that far. I also heard yesterday that he calls people to congratulate them on positive blood test results. He hasn't called me since, I think, my second IUI cycle. Or was it my first? Now I'm just on the treadmill. I make the appointment, go in, pay lots of money to have a consult and then we start all over again with whatever treatment cycle he recommends. I don't merit a personal phone call. Or any congratulations. Commiserations might be nice every once in a while though.

Oh well, chin up as they say in Britain. I can and I will get through this.

Snow white and the negative pregnancy test

This morning's test was just as negative as yesterday's. It was as white as the driven snow. So it looks like it really is true. I am now a failure at 2 IVF's. Or is it 3? I'm never quite sure whether to count that cancelled cycle. I mean, anyone who has either been cancelled or has been in danger of cancellation in an IVF cycle knows that it isn't just another IUI cycle. It is scary and heartbreaking and terrible and depressing in a way that no IUI cycle can be. But then, I didn't go through egg retrieval and transfer so I guess I shouldn't really count it.

So let's say 2 IVF's then. I have had 7 embryos placed into my uterus. None of them have taken.

Why?

Is there a reason why? Is it really just random chance? Is it just a question of laying the golden egg? If the eggs are so bad, why are they fertilizing to be embryos? Is is karma? Is it because I did something bad? Because I'm single? Have I been eating the wrong things for too many years? Is it because I'm vegetarian? Do I eat too much soy? Cheese? Pasta? Have I eaten too little protein? Is it because I don't go to church enough? It is just my age?

If I knew what the culprit was, I would cut it out of my life or add it in an instant. Well, I can't exactly change my age, though I guess I could live on wheatgrass and spirulina and raw food or something to try to help. And I'd have to think long and hard about eating meat again. Really not sure I could do that. But apart from those, yes, I could even give up pasta for a few months.

Anyway, I was told yesterday that at least I was being upbeat about all this. Upbeat? Upbeat? Oh let me just go and celebrate the fact that I spent $14,000 or thereabouts for absofuckinglutely nothing. No, blogosphere, I am not upbeat. I am doing what is called "putting a brave face on". I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. I don't believe in lying around the house moaning "woe is me" for any longer than absolutely necessary. Obviously, you've got to have a good cry and rage against the machine at some point but there's no advantage to be gained in wallowing. Last time I did way too much wallowing in the bottoms of wine bottles and ice cream cartons, and look where it got me - sucky embryos and a fat arse. I'd rather be making plans for how to improve next time. This time, I'd rather not depress myself by thinking just how sucky my eggs must be, thank you very much. Maybe if I had a husband I might lie around for longer crying, because I'd have an audience, and I find that having an audience encourages some behaviors. But the cat doesn't care if I cry or laugh. Just so long as she is in a situation where some purring is in order, she's pretty happy.

So, planning is what I have been doing. And spending money on new vitamins, new books, new diets, new yoga DVD's. I have been out jogging (badly - I'm VERY out of shape!). I have been hungry because I am determined to lose some of this weight I have gained. I am going to give the next cycle my all. I will try to be as healthy as I can possibly be so that I can never say I didn't try as hard as I possibly could. The trouble is, it is so hard to find out what you have to do to be healthy. Randine Lewis would have me give up dairy. And eat lots of soy. Other health gurus say that soy is poison. Others say that yogurt is necessary. Others say that I must cut out sugar at all cost. Well, I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. Isn't that what life is all about? Figuring out as we go along how to deal with the crap hand we've been dealt.

Well, I tested

And it was negative.

Stark, staring, white negative.

Surprisingly, I'm OK with it at the moment. After all, I've told countless people that 12DPO is too early for an accurate result, so I still have a tiny bit of hope that it could turn around for me. But then again, as I figured out The Plan for what to do if this cycle fails, I've also got some clear idea of what I have to do next for if this result is real.

Now, as it gets up to (and including) my beta test, I reserve the right to pout, sulk, whine and sob unattractively. And start drinking red wine again. But as it is, I'm starting my diet today to try to lose some of the IVF weight, and am about to pull my shorts on to go out walking. I haven't done much exercise basically since the last IVF cycle because I just couldn't deal with anything except drinking alcohol and eating ice cream for a while there, and then I just got lazy. But I HAVE to lose this weight and get healthy again.

TGIF

I should be working, but I've never let that stop me before, so why stop now? TGIF, blogosphere. I will not have to see the work jackass for two whole days. I have, by the way, instituted my "get the jackass fired" plan, by blind copying the big boss on all my emails to him which point out his mistakes, and by urging everyone else who has complained about this guy to go and complain to the big boss. There's been a string of visitors to the big boss' office, I'm pleased to say. Hopefully the powers-that-be will get the message.

I keep pondering about all the brouhaha surrounding the latest terrorist plot. Not that it's not just awful and scary that these people think that it is a great idea to blow up planes, and to be honest, it puts me off wanting to move back to England a little bit. But mainly because I just think this will give the government even more "reason" to want to take away more freedoms from us. And of course we'll probably never be able to take liquids on planes ever again because the idiot media has told everyone how to make bombs. Why oh why can't they keep quiet on such details?

Anyway, of course you all know that what I'm really spending most of my time thinking about are my female bits. I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday, and she didn't declare that I had a slippery pulse (supposedly a sure sign of pregnancy), so that depressed me. But then again, in my self diagnosis wrist-holding sessions (of which there are many) it doesn't feel like anything else either. So who knows. Not that I know what a wiry, taught or choppy pulse really feel like so I'm just blindly holding my wrist and going "well, it kinda feels like it could be slippery". I also had a thought while lying there with needles in me that I've been really focused on having twins so I could be done with TTC'ing, and that I haven't focused enough on having one healthy baby. So I really tried to do that, and tried imagining the extra money I could spend on a kid if there was just one, how I could try for a natural birth, how the pregnancy would be easier, and all the other benefits to having a singleton. I think that helped. I felt a bit more at peace after that. Unfortunately, one of the things that was coming up in my daydreaming was having a Bugaboo stroller. I have serious Bugaboo envy, but the problem is that the very cheapest model is $679, and the most expensive model is $879. Honestly, how can any sane right-minded person justify spending that much money on a stroller? But I want one! Plus, I think I should be entitled to reward myself if I ever do manage to get pregnant. And I don't have a husband to remind me to be sensible. But then again, I know people would laugh at me for being such a snob/label hound, so maybe I should hold back.

In good news, I have had pretty strong(ish) cramps for the last three days. Cramps are normal for me in the 2ww, but these are stronger than normal. So I am trying to convince myself that a little one or two is/are snuggling in, but I know that my fellow infertiles out there know just how damn hard it is to keep doing the positive visualization going from the bottom of the pit of despair. I'm trying though.

This morning in the shower, I had a breakthrough of sorts. I finalized "The Plan". The plan for what to do if this cycle doesn't work. It feels good to have a plan, because I like to know roughly what I'm going to do if what I'm currently working for doesn't work out. And the plan is to do one more IVF at my current clinic, and if that doesn't work, do an IVF at a fancy-schmancy out of state clinic with stellar success rates. And if that doesn't work, do the FET with my one lonely frozen embryo. And if that doesn't work, I'm done. Done, done, done. Finito. No donor eggs, no adoption. I'll do something radically different with my life like go back to school to study for my second career. Or become a hermit. Or something. I'll figure that out if I get to that point.

The pit of despair

I started to post yesterday all about the shitty time I am having at work, particularly dealing with one jackass in particular. But then I decided that I didn't want to get Dooced so I canned it. Sigh. I can't stand working with jackasses, and this one takes things one step further by blaming absolutely everyone else for his difficulties. So he hates working with me because I am always on his ass about getting the work done, and he passively aggressively bc'd the big boss on an email he sent to me full of excuses about how its our fault that things have been inefficient. And for the record, I'm not always on his ass, but when it takes 5 or 6 iterations to get a project correct so I have to spend hours correcting his work when it should take me 20 minutes to review and approve it, I'm going to start getting pissed off. I'm also not going to want to see the same project day after day after freakin' day and at some point am going to ask for it just to get out the damn door.

Heh, maybe I'm a bitch, maybe not, but someone needs to have their ass fired around here, and it's not me. Well, actually they probably should fire me for the amount of time I spend thinking about my ovaries and not doing productive work, but that's another story. At least I'm not disruptive to others.

Anyway, onto baby-related things. I have fallen into the despair pit, and I can't get out. I can't imagine this working with just 4-cell embryos. I see so many people with all these gorgeous over-achieving embryos and I worry about my little slow pokes. I worry about my egg quality and if this ever going to work. I worry about my clinic and if they're any good. I mean, they're big and they get plenty of people pregnant, but their success rates aren't exactly stellar. I'm wondering whether to cut my losses and run to another clinic now, or whether to give them one more opportunity. If I go to another clinic, it'll be an out-of-state one so I can do an IVF vacation, so that'll have to be next year. During the waiting period I could fit in another IVF here. But then again, should I be doing that? Should I go back to unmedicated IUI's in the waiting period? It seems like they have as much chance of working as an IVF. But each unmedicated IUI is like $1400 a cycle because my clinic wants to do two IUIs each time, and two vials of sperm don't come cheap. I could be using that time to save money for the next IVF. Ugh, decisions, decisions.

And, I know, it's just too damn early to be thinking the doom and gloom thoughts, but that's the fault of the despair pit. It's just full of the dank dark stench of failure which insidiously pervades my brain and prevents me from thinking happy thoughts about my babies. I must, I must be happy and optimistic. If anyone has any quick and easy "get happy" ideas, I'd love to hear them. The vat of ice cream I downed yesterday didn't help and alcohol is verboten, so I may have to move on to chocolate today. Sigh. My waistline is not going to thank me.

Doing the progesterone happy dance

Good news! My progesterone level is 30! It's never been that high before. Ever. In fact, it's never not been completely sucky before. So I'm pretty happy about that. I know the progesterone level doesn't imply pregnancy, but hey, don't rain on my parade when I'm finally happy about it for once.

The crotch itch has gone as well (I'm sure you all were eagerly awaiting another update on that) so I think it was just irritation and not a yeast infection. Phew!

So, it's good news all around. Apart from the fact that I work with a bunch of jackasses who don't know their arses from their elbows. We have this one paralegal that supposedly has 15 years of experience, but he can't seem to get the basic stuff right, and then blames all his errors on absolutely everyone else. I want to commit violence on him. Except I won't, because I'm a nice English girl, and he's much bigger than me. I'm sure the raise in my blood pressure level that he's causing is not good for any implanting embryo, so I'm trying to stay calm, but it's difficult, blogosphere, it's difficult.

In a big off topic ramble which is now coming up, I was watching TV last night and it seemed like pretty much half the ads were for the gubernatorial primaries. Does everyone have that going on, or just some of us lucky ones? There's actually one guy who is running on a platform of banning gay marriage, limiting access to abortions and encouraging more adoptions. I have yet to see him explain satisfactorily just how my gay neighbors are threatening the sanctity of family life, as they wash their cars on Sunday and mow the lawn. Yes, it must be bad to feel so threatened by such terribly corrupting behavior and outward displays of...normalcy. And as for encouraging adoption, I know many gay couples in Florida would just love to adopt and yet they are prevented from doing so. When will people wake up and smell the coffee? It makes me so angry that I can't even vote or give any money to political candidates to fight this kind of bigotry, because I'm not a US citizen and don't have a green card either. Putting a sign in my front yard doesn't quite seem enough.

Oh, and it's not for want of trying that I don't have a green card. I filed my application over two years ago, and it's gone into the black hole that is our government's bureaucracy. In fact, my visa runs out in January so we'll have to see if they try to kick me out or let me hang on while they find my application. I'm supposed to get an automatic extension, but we'll see. Oh, and did I mention that my driving license expired this month? It was set to expire six months before my visa runs out. So I had to go and renew it and of course didn't have any proof that I'm allowed to stay in the country beyond the visa expiry date because the government won't provide that until 3 months before the expiry date. So now when does my new driving license expire? 2 weeks before the visa runs out. On January the first. Greeeat. So I have to try to renew it over Christmas, and hope that the piece of paper I'll get saying I have an automatic visa extension due to the government's slowness over processing the green card application will be enough for the DMV. Because I can't actually get a stamp in my passport unless I go to London to have it done. Which takes a minimum of 3 days, because you have to line up at the U.S. Embassy, give them a lot of money, photos and other information, and they take your passport and FedEx it back to you several days later. And I really don't want to have to fly to London over the Christmas and New Year holidays just so that I can drive when I get back. But then again, I suppose it'll make the family over there happy. Of course, I'm also hoping I'll be pregnant by then, so that'll be added stress - what if I have to go over there and I'm not allowed to by the doctor? Taxis will get pretty darn expensive after a while. I guess there must be some way of appealing DMV decisions if it comes to it. I do work for a fancy law firm after all, there must be someone around here that could handle that for me.

Anyway, the thing that makes me laugh in this whole process is that once I get green card approval, I have to have a medical examination to prove that I'm not bringing in any communicable diseases into the country. Hello people? I'll have been here for 7+ years by that point! I think if I had brought anything contagious with me, half the population of the state could have it by then. Ridiculous.

OK, ramble over. Back to the progesterone happy dance...

Damn, damn, double damn, and triple damn

I've screwed up my credit card, and managed not to pay my IVF fee on time. Which means that not only will I get hit with a crazy amount of interest, it'll probably be a ding against my credit score. Damn it.

Y'see I changed my checking account a few months ago, and I guess I didn't change the linked account for that particular card, which I don't use all the time. So come time to pay my IVF fee, I waited until the last possible minute, logged on to my account, and hit pay. Of course, the bank is so nice and concerned with security that it doesn't show the bank name for the checking account on screen or I might have noticed. Just some numbers, and lots of X's, which are frankly meaningless, so I didn't pay too much attention. And the payment bounced because I've closed my old checking account. So they nicely closed down my ability to make payments on the internet, and I can't even pay online at the moment, or even pay by phone. I mean, I was on the phone with customer service saying "I have the cash in my account, I'm willing to pay right now and I'm even willing to pay the extra fee you have for paying over the phone and you're telling me you won't take my money?" The nice lady on the phone told me that they would release the hold on online paying from my new account in a week or so, and then I could pay online, or I could send them a check. A check? I never pay bills by check if I can help it. Good lord, that involves stamps and everything. And would probably take longer for the money to clear than if I just waited the week and paid online. So guess what I'll be logging into every day in the hope I can pay this nearly $10k bill. Ugh.

OK, do NOT let me forget to pay this!

On crotch watch

OK, this was going to be a deep and meaningful post about how I turned into a hermit at the weekend, and how I'm such a loner when I allow myself to be, which isn't healthy. But sorry, all I can think about this morning is that my crotch itches.

Ha, sorry, TMI, I know. But it's uncomfortable.

Whine.

Moan.

Complain.

More whining.

I'm trying to figure out if the progesterone suppositories have given me a yeast infection, or if it's all just irritated down there from the gunk. I've been eating a ton of yogurt, and it doesn't, um, have that smell, so it's hard to tell. I guess my last resort would be to stick the yogurt or some monistat where the sun doesn't shine, but there's enough gunk up there already I don't really want to add to it. Sigh. I guess I'll call the IVF nurse if it gets worse and ask what's OK to take.

Yuck. The joys of IVF. Why oh why do I have to have such sucky progesterone levels that the damn intramuscular injections aren't enough? Why oh why did the nice friendly prometrium capsules have to give me a damn peanut intolerance so I can't use them any more?

Dreamtime

Because I am on progesterone in oil injections and 400mg vaginal progesterone suppositories a day, I feel like I am awash in progesterone. I feel like I must have it oozing out of my pores (but watch when my blood level comes back as crappy as always at my test). And as any infertile who has been through medical assistance knows, progesterone makes you tired. And a double dose of progesterone makes you damn tired.

So I have basically turned into a teenager, napping all day. Except without the staying up all night and doing interesting stuff part of it. OK, so maybe we just say that I've now developed narcolepsy. Or some other sleeping sickness. I mean, I was always good at napping, but I had my limits. Now I basically wake up for food, stay up for an hour or so to check the internet and read a little, and then it's back to napping. At least that's the plan for the weekend.

And the thing with napping is that it's light sleep, so I am in dreamtime a lot. Apart from the sex dreams (ahem, well, just when you are banned from all things "down there" is precisely when your brain decides that it's a fundamentally necessary part of life), anyway, where was I? Yes, apart from the sex dreams, for some reason I keep dreaming of this one damn building from my home town. It's pretty annoying. But I always was fascinated by this building, so I suppose it's only natural that it crops up a lot in my dreams. And it does, repeatedly, just not usually dream after dream after dream in quick succession. You see, I lived in a "dormitory town" for London when growing up. There was a little business center downtown and we had our own "skyscraper" that housed an insurance company (don't be imagining anything more than 12 or so stories here, by the way), but pretty much everyone commuted. Except right near where our house was there was this little parade of shops (I guess the yanks among you would say a strip mall, but they had apartments above them and weren't exactly the same as what I think of as a strip mall). At one end of the shops was a pub, and at the other end was a gas station and an office block. Yes, an office block. About 8 stories high maybe. With a Spar convenience store at the bottom of it. But the office entrance had this enormous copper sign with a huuuge female symbol on it. You know, the circle with the cross underneath. I mean, it was a good 7-8 feet high, and was at ground level so you couldn't miss it. I used to walk past this building every day on the way to school and wonder why they were so pro-women. Until I found out that it was the headquarters of the copper marketing board or something, and the female symbol was also the symbol for copper. But the thing that used to get me the most was why the fuck anyone would willingly put their offices in a suburban backwater part of a suburban backwater dormitory town, when there was so so many other and better places to have an office. I used to wonder constantly what types of businesses were in there - I figured they all had to be reaaally cheap to not want to pay the rent on any better location. I used to try to make out people in the windows and see what they were doing, see how drab the offices looked behind them. I wondered if they had to shop at the Spar every day for their sandwiches, which would have been pretty bad news, or if they ventured to the not-very-savory pub for a pub lunch. Mostly I used to pity them, because of course I would never ever be caught dead doing an office job. Uh, yeah, that ambition worked out well.

Anyway, so that's where I'm spending my time these days. At the office building with the gas station in front of it, and the Spar to the right of it. With the copper entrance way. In fact, in some of my dreams, I'm opening a business there and remarking on how cheap the rent is. And then running home at lunchtime to the house I grew up in, so I don't have to eat Spar pre-packed sandwiches.

Update

I've been remiss about updating, at exactly the wrong time, I know! It's just you know how sometimes you just become so overwhelmed with everything you have to fit into your day, and then there's this little IVF elephant in the room, and you just kind of run out of breathing space so you have to focus down onto just doing the bare minimum to survive.

Most of my craziness has been caused by a bitch attorney in another of our offices and her crazy client. I got an email Wednesday morning from her headed "It's 3.14am" which went on to say how she couldn't sleep because she was so stressed that I hadn't been able to complete this project for her client. That she asked us to do on Tuesday. I mean, OK, actually she asked us to do it several weeks ago, and we've been backwards and forwards a bit with questions for the client. Not stellar service, but we kept things ticking along. So on Tuesday we get the word that the project HAD to be completed on Wednesday. Um, yeah, thanks bitch. Perhaps if I didn't have my own stuff where clients are screaming for things, and projects with REAL deadlines, I might have got yours done. Perhaps the fact that we are hiring 5 new people to help us in the next 2 months, and are still recruiting might give you a hint that we are swamped right now. Perhaps if I didn't mind working until 2am and giving up my life I might get it all done, but those days are long over for me because I'm just not prepared to do that any more. The joys of law firm life.

Anyway.

The transfer yesterday went well. Mostly well. I got to the clinic already needing to pee (it's a full bladder procedure, but they want you there one and a quarter hours beforehand). I knew I'd never last until the procedure, so did a quick stealth pee in the public bathrooms on the ground floor of the buildings before going in. But I had a big water bottle with me, and was steadily sipping away as I sat on my bed and we went through all the preliminaries. They told me straight away that I would be transferring all four embryos. I was shocked, because I thought I'd have to battle the doctor over putting more than three in. But then they gave me the grades, and I had a 4-cell grade 1, a 5-cell grade 2, a 4-cell grade 2 and a 4-cell grade 4. The ideal would have been an 8-cell grade 1. So they were a bit sluggish, and that grade 4 probably isn't going to do anything for me, so that's presumably why they decided to just throw them all in and see what sticks. They also decided to do assisted hatching (cutting a small hole in the outer membrane), but I've yet to find out how much THAT will cost me as I didn't prepay for it.

I'd paid a small fortune for the privilege of having my acupuncturist come to the clinic, so she did a half-hour acu session while I was lying there enjoying the effects of the valium that we are given prior to transfer. And I kept sipping on my water bottle like a good girl. By the time she finished, my bladder was getting painfully full. My appointment time came and went. We asked the nurse how long it was going to be, because I was starting to feel like I'd burst, and she broke the bad news that not only was the doctor running slightly late, they'd changed the schedule and I wasn't going to be the first transfer of the day after all, but the second one. However, I think she could see that I was near to tears, so she let me go to the bathroom with instructions to pee out a cup full of urine. Yeah right. Have you ever tried to limit your pee to just a cup full when you've been completely desperate to go? I think I kept it down to about 3 cups before I could finally cut off the flow. So, given that I'd peed more than I should have done, I went back to the water bottle.

By the time I got into the procedure room, my bladder was painfully full again, and the nurse and doctor both exclaimed about how huge and full my bladder looked. I asked if they wouldn't press down too hard with the transabdominal ultrasound head, and the doctor said "yeah, because then I'll be paying the price, won't I?". I assumed that he had in fact been peed on before. He had to clean out a lot of progesterone gunk before the transfer, and remarked that he could always tell who was on vaginal progesterone. Nice. He said they definitely make it sticky to stay in there for a reason, but it takes a while to take it out again. I got the obligatory multiples and selective reduction talk, and when I said that I thought the grade 4 wouldn't exactly be doing anything, he surprised me by saying he'd had a patient have triplets from 4-cell grade 5's. I didn't even know the grading scale went as low as grade 5! So that gave me hope -not that I want triplets or quads, but I want 1 or 2 of my little sluggish guys to thrive and stick. They put the embryos in, which was all a little painful because speculum + full bladder does not a comfortable Sarah make.

As soon as we were done, the nurse brought me a bedpan. Right in the procedure room. With the doctor still there messing around on the computer. So it was a little hard to let go, but then I remembered how much it hurt so I managed it.

I was trundled back to the recovery area, had another acupuncture session, and waited out my hour of bedrest. One of my lovely internet buddies who goes to the clinic stopped to say hi, and it turned out that she was the reason I was rescheduled, as she was doing a 6-day transfer and two of her blastocysts were already hatching so they needed to get her transfer done ASAP. So I forgave her causing me that discomfort!

My aunt, who'd kindly driven me to the clinic, and I went home and hung around until about 3pm when she left, and I crawled into bed pretty quickly. I got out of bed at 9.20pm purely because I had to have more drugs, and this time with food, even though I wasn't hungry, but I could easily have just stayed in bed for the duration. I guess valium really knocks me for six. That and the double dose of progesterone. However, getting up wasn't all bad, as I got to see who was eliminated from So You Think You Can Dance, and I was glad to see that America got it right this week, so all was not lost for the world.

This morning I am back at work, back to more emails from the crazy bitch attorney and trying to stay as mellow as I can. The good news is that I was brave enough to step on the scale, and I've lost three pounds since Monday, so some of the stims bloat is going down. The weekend will involve as much napping as is physically possible, in an effort to allow those embryos space and time to get comfy and grow big and strong. God, I hope it works this time!

Moving forward

Last cycle I got my fertilization report before 9am, so I was expecting something similar today. 9am came and went. 10am came and went. 11am came and went. I was freaking out thinking that none of the eggs fertilized and that's why they were late calling. But finally I got the call, and it was good news! Out of the 5 eggs retrieved, 4 were mature and all 4 of those fertilized with ICSI. Phew!

Embryo transfer will be on Thursday. My aunt will be driving me (woo-hoo!), and my acupuncturist will meet me there to do the needles imediately before and after transfer. My aunt is a craniosacral therapy practitioner, so if I'm really super lucky maybe I can get her to do some work on me as well.

So the big question is, how many to transfer? With four, I'm very very tempted to ask them to put them all in (if they're all still alive on Thursday). I already warned the nurse that I want to discuss this with the doctor. Obviously, the thought of triplets or quads is not a prospect that thrills me. I just really rather wouldn't be in that situation. But then again, at my age, it is likely that some of the eggs are bad - I mean, last time I put three embryos in and none of them were good. I am holding out hope that the lower response this time means higher quality per egg, but still, one has to be realistic. And I was upset last cycle that the clinic just chose wrongly when they made the decision as to which embryos to transfer. They transferred the fast growing embryos, even though they were grade 2's. I had some slow growing grade 1's that they didn't even tell me about, and which ultimately grew into blastocysts at day 5 (albeit only one of them was good enough to freeze, at least both of my grade 1's made it). So I'm worried about making any kind of selection of the embryos at this stage because the selection process is little more than a guess. I'd rather throw everything in, and see what sticks. I think. Decisions, decisions.

Feeling blue

I have spent the afternoon feeling blue, and I don't really know why. I am of course disappointed that I only got 5 eggs, when last cycle I got 14. And everyone tells me that 5 eggs is great, and a lot better than cancellation, and of course they're right. But it doesn't stop me pouting. None of really means anything until the fertilization report tomorrow morning, so I've got to try to stop thinking the worst as it won't do me any good at all.

I keep wondering if I had a lower response because I've put on weight recently. I have put on 12 lbs since my last IVF cycle. 25 in all since my first appointment with the RE. I was ashamed to admit my weight today at the clinic. My friend A. came with me in the procedure room, because they allow spouses to do that so they invited her in too, and at one point they had me spreadeagled and uncovered. And I was so much more worried about the size of my gut than that she could potentially see my hoo-ha. Sigh. I'm also very uncomfortable this afternoon. I feel so bloated and enormous. And did I mention that I'm uncomfortable? I just feel like my life and my body are out of control. I hate my job, I don't like my life in this city, I hate that I am doing IVF and some days I wonder why I am doing this at all. I see so many women getting pregnant so much quicker than me, that sometimes I think I should just give up. Just take it as a sign that it isn't meant to be.

I expected to feel hopeful today. I certainly did this time last cycle. But I just feel sad. Sad that on my third IVF I get 5 eggs out of nearly $14,000. Why do I torture myself with repeated cycles?

I meant to post today about the funny things I said or did under the anesthetic today, seeing as A. was there to hear it all. I figured that would be a quirky funny blog thing, perhaps to show how even with heavy duty drugs in my system I can still entertain. But, sadly, no profession of undying love to the RE. No singing. Not even any farting in the RE's face. I snored.

Order for 5 eggs, scrambled, coming right up!

They got 5 eggs. I'm a bit bummed because with 10 total follicles I was expecting 8-10 eggs, and then the phone call tomorrow to say 5 of them were mature and 4 fertilized. Or something like that. Now with 5 total, I'm worried that they might not have got all the mature ones, and I might be left with not very many embryos at all. But I shouldn't grumble too much, especially as on Wednesday I was convinced they were going to cancel the cycle.

I am pretty uncomfortable, and haven't been doing so well on the napping so far, but hopefully that will pass soon. I've also got this strange desire for Ramen noodles, so I might limp along to Winn Dixie shortly to get some so I can give in to temptation. But then again, seeing as I'm not supposed to drive and it's hot out there, maybe I won't. Oh the exotic life I lead. Will I or won't I shuffle down the street in search of sodium-laden convenience foods?

The blood draw chronicles

I went to the clinic yet again today for my final daily blood draw to check my estrogen level after the trigger shot. And to check that I have HCG in my bloodstream to ensure I gave myself the shot properly! Today's supposedly a good day because there are no injections, but to me the blood draw is infinitely worse.

The blood draws have been really getting to me over the last few days, and I'm also a bit freaked about the IV I'll need at the egg retrieval. You see, I only have one spot on my left arm where it is easy to take blood from. It's an area maybe 7-8mm long. When I first read about the IVF procedure and read that daily blood draws were a pain, I thought people were referring to the pain of having to go to the clinic every day. Because having one blood draw doesn't hurt much, right, so I never thought that they would ever be bad. But no, they are literally a pain. My "blood drawing spot" is now permanently scarred and is a dull, bruised reddish purple shade after the last two IVF cycles. Heh, at least I don't have to camouflage it any more after a blood stick, because it's permanently ugly now. And after a few daily sticks, the area gets very sensitive and further sticks fucking hurt. It looks like someone has taken a knife and made a vertical incision up my vein because all the blood sticks line up. My vein screams in protest every time someone new sticks it. It is taking longer to heal each time because of the daily assaults so I spend the morning with a swollen lump there. My arm becomes pretty much useless for a good hour, as it just throbs and feels so heavy yet empty of blood. And they don't even take that much out, so I know it's not actually empty of blood!

Over the last few days I have asked, begged and pleaded with the nurses to take blood from somewhere else. They have tourniqueted my right arm. They have slapped it and smacked it. I have squeezed little balls to try to make the veins pop up. And they never even attempted it. They all just gave up and said they'd have to switch to the left arm. Last cycle I had one nurse who managed to get blood from my right arm, and how I wish I could have had her this time. She would have taken the time. She was experienced enough to do it. But no, I was not so lucky. This morning, I offered the backs of my hands to the nurse. Now, having blood taken out of the back of your hand also fucking hurts, as I also found out last cycle, and leaves a big bruise on the back of your hand that lingers around for days. But I was desperate. I was willing to put up with it because at least it would have spared my left arm. And I have to have an IV in my left arm tomorrow, people! Oh the agony. But the nurse said they didn't have any butterfly needles left, so no go, as the other needles were far too big to use in the hand. No butterfly needles? In an IVF clinic that size? Aaaagh. I think that's downright criminal. So she stuck my poor left arm. I had to drive back from the clinic with my arm in my lap like some stroke victim. It hurt to steer, and it hurt to indicate, and I'm a good girl so I like to indicate when I'm changing lanes. Bah humbug. This better all be worth it.

It's trigger time!

Dragged myself out of bed early this morning again. These early starts and the drugs are really wiping me out now. I went to bed at 8pm last night and am just exhausted. So, anyway, off I went to the clinic, and it was slightly better news than yesterday. All my doom and gloom of a few days ago was a bit misplaced, and although it's not stellar news, I'll take it. I had 3 mature follicles (over 20mm), 1 at 18mm and 2 medium sized guys at about 15mm. Then four smaller ones at 12-13mm. Yes, that makes 10 total, whereas previously I had 9 total. One more popped up today on the right ovary. I'd never quite figured out how follicles could suddenly appear during a cycle, but there it was, clear as day, when before there'd definitely been only 3 in all on the right. But as it's one of the smaller guys, it probably is a little late to join the petri dish party. Maybe though there'll be 4-6 mature eggs if I'm lucky, depending on how the medium sized guys do, which is a whole lot better than cancellation. A whole lot better.

I'm doing the HcG trigger shot tonight, and egg retrieval is set for 9.30am on Monday. And my friend who is driving me arrives home from vacation in South Africa approximately 12 hours prior to that. I haven't arranged a back up driver at this point, and am just going to trust that she'll make it home and her flight won't be cancelled. Well, you know, it'll be cycle day 11. I didn't think I'd be going that early, so thought it would be fine that she was on vacay. I did have a kind offer of a drive for Sunday morning if it was going to happen on Sunday, but I know that person can't make it on Monday. So I have to trust that I'll have a driver! If not, I'll be having a major panic on Sunday night. No doubt, more on that will follow.

OK, back to bed for nap #2 today. Did I say I was wiped?

Reclaiming the maiden aunts

Another ultrasound this morning, another early start. But the news is slightly better again, as it looked to me like I have three good follicles, as one on the left has caught up. All three had at least one measurement over 20mm, but the clinic uses an average of at least two measurements, so hopefully they average slightly less, and they'll let me stim another day. I don't want to trigger tonight! I want as much time as possible to enable the smaller ones to catch up (hopefully).

I'm pretty certain now that I'll definitely go ahead with the egg retrieval and IVF. Three, with potentially another two or three that could contain a mature egg, is OK. And I think an IUI definitely wouldn't have any chance with the medium sized follicles. Of course, it looks like I won't be doing a 5-day transfer, as was the original plan. I figure if there are 4 or fewer embryos they will want me to do a 3-day transfer, and I will agree, provided we can transfer all the embryos. If the purpose of a 5-day transfer is to select the best embryo, then I don't mind doing a 3-day if we put them ALL back. I thought I'd be freaked by the thought of 4 embryos, but hey, some of them won't be good so they won't all take. We'll have to wait and see if I actually get that many, though, which is somewhat unlikely at this point. Probably more realistically the best I can hope for is 3, and then we'll definitely transfer all of them.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what to do if this cycle fails, and I think I have another IVF attempt in me. But that's probably my limit. I do have one frozen embryo, so I'll do an FET for that guy, and then may go back to doing IUIs after that - well, I'll discuss it with my RE so we'll see what he says. But IVF is too hard for me to keep gearing up time and again. Not to mention too expensive! And after that, once we get into next year, who knows. I have been pondering the whole donor egg and adoption route, but as I'm not ready to give up TTC with my own eggs, it is hard for me to be able to really come up with any plan. I just don't appear to be emotionally ready to embrace those options yet.

I also have been doing a lot of thinking about living child free. Which has made me think of maiden aunts. For some reason, my mom's side of the family had a ton of maiden aunts (well, great aunts) when I was younger, most of whom unfortunately have since died. How I would love to be able to sit down and have a good conversation with them now, though - I guess I come from stock that likes to be independent. When I was a child I used to pity their unmarried state, mainly because I pitied the fact that they didn't have children - the lack of a husband didn't seem such a big problem! And I always thought that they didn't marry because they didn't have the opportunity, but these days I know better. For example, one was a math professor. You don't get to be a math professor by accident, so I know now she must have chosen to be a "spinster" for the sake of her career because that was the only way to be able to devote herself to her chosen field. It makes me proud of these women and sad that the options available to women were so limited in their generation that they had to give up family life in order to succeed at work. And here we are in this generation trying to do it all, with varying degrees of success. I wish there was some way I could somehow reclaim the maiden aunts, because as old ladies although they were definitely a loved part of the family they were always loners, always a little bit sad If they were still around I'd love to enfold them in a huge hug and thank them for their sacrifices and choices, that enabled them to have careers and open up paths for the rest of us to follow, that set a great example, but which left them alone and lonely in their elder years. I wish I had some good way to honor them. I hope not to follow them, in that I hope to be able to have a family to love and to love me back, but sometimes I wonder if that's what fate has in store for me.

Baby love

I held a baby today! My friend K. had her baby yesterday, and I went to visit at the hospital at lunch time. He is adorable, and I hope my ovaries were listening. It's kind of weird between K. and I since our argument, and I think she's kind of testing me because she has said several times that I probably won't go to see her when she's on maternity leave, or visit her in the hospital. Like I don't want anything to do with her since we had one argument. Oh well. So, I did my duty visit just to prove to her that I am still her friend, and he was perfect and quiet and good and just cute as a button. And it was so good to hold him. Sigh. There's nothing quite like the weight of a newborn baby's bottom in your hand, with his head resting on your arm. He's 7 lb 13 oz, 21 inches long, and is called Tyler. Awwww.

My scan this morning was a little better than yesterday. They are pretty confident that I have two good follicles - 1 at 19mm and 1 at 18mm. Then there are three potentials which are smaller but which may catch up if I'm lucky, so the doctor said that at most we'll go into retrieval with five, but it's more likely to be 2 or 3. Yes, that's right, I said "go into retrieval". The clinic feels that there is no need to cancel if you have two mature follicles so they want to go ahead. Even though their literature says they will cancel if you don't have at least 4 mature follicles, I've come across several people who've gone to retrieval with two so it looks like that's their real cut off. So, I'm bummed about the maximum potential number being 5, because you can't expect all 5 eggs to fertilize, and obviously more = better with IVF, but what can I do. As of right now I think I will go ahead and do the retrieval, because of the better success rate, but I'm still a bit on the fence. I will see what tomorrow's scan says (assuming they have me back tomorrow). The doctor thought it would be a couple of days before I trigger, so I'm hoping for a Saturday trigger and Monday retrieval. Partly because the friend I've arranged to drive me is out of town on Sunday, but another friend, J., has now stepped up and offered to take me if the retrieval is on Sunday, which is fabulously nice of her.

So, I'm doing better today. But still jealous of people who post that all their follicles are between 9 and 9.6 after four days of stims, and wonder if that's OK. I'm at four days of stims, and mine are between 10 and 19. That's a pretty crazy range, because there's no way that a follicle can bridge a 9mm gap in two days to be mature in time for retrieval. Well, given that my big one grew 3mm yesterday, maybe that one could, but the little ones grow at more normal rates so I know they ain't going to catch up. I guess I should look on the bright side and say that at least I used fewer meds, but the nurses always make me buy enough for 10 days of stims so it doesn't really help me!

Deja vu all over again

Well, it wasn't the best news at my ultrasound. It's pretty much deja vu all over again.

I had nine follicles in all. It was hard for her to see my left ovary because she said I had a lot of gas in my bowels. What IS it with my bowels this cycle? No-one's ever mentioned my bowels as being an issue before, and this time they're getting in the way constantly. Hmmm, maybe it's the Bolthouse Green Goodness or something making me gassy. Nice.

Anyway, the uterine lining was 7mm, so that was just peachy. On the right ovary there were only three follicles, 1 at 16mm, 1 at 15mm and 1 at 8mm. On the left ovary there were 6 follicles, 1 @ 12 mm, 1 @ 10mm and 4 @ 8mm. It's like a bad re-run of my first (cancelled) IVF cycle where I had 7 total follicles on cycle day 6, with a 16mm whopper hanging out. By cycle day 7, it was at 19mm. By cycle day 9 it was at 24mm, and I had to trigger even though nothing else had caught up. And there was me yesterday maybe kinda hoping for more than 20 follicles today because I thought the DHEA would have done it's work. But I guess being on birth control for too long messes that up. I wish I'd just waited another month, and done BCP for the regulation 3 weeks, but I wanted to get this cycle over with. And, yes, I wanted an April baby (or two) because, well, Aries and Libra get along well together. So I pushed it. With the doctor's blessing, I hasten to add. He thought everything would be fine, but clearly it's not.

I am so bummed, and depressed. I just don't know if I can do this again. I don't know if I can gear myself up for another IVF cycle, pay all that money and deal with all the angst. I just don't know if I can put myself through that, because I don't know if I have the mental stamina. I probably will do another cycle, I suppose, but I'm definitely getting to the end of my tether on this TTC stuff. I can see the end coming.

I know, it's too early to write this cycle off, and it's quality that counts, not quantity. But if I get booted to an IUI again, I've got the wrong vials of sperm, because they only had IVF vials left at the bank, which only have between 5 and 10 million sperm. The doctor may do an egg retrieval with only a few follicles, but I'm not sure I want to spend all that money if I don't have a good result - I might as well save it for one last try later in the year. I just feel so defeated, I don't really know what to think.