Saturday, July 26, 2008

Marginalizing other choices

Gosh.  Sometimes I wonder what people think they will achieve with a comment that just bashes the blog writer's head in.  I just got a comment on an old post.  And by old, I mean, December 2006, old.  I wonder if the poster thinks that she'll knock some sense into me?  I'll post it:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "At the crossroads of indecision":

NO, "so many women" DO NOT fail donor egg. If you had decided to NOT bankrupt yourself any longer and take your remaining funds to CCRM and do a donor egg cycle, you would be changing diapers right now, instead of reading this post (years after posting).

Sarah, you continued to go down a path that was CLEARLY fruitless in this obsessive quest for genetic offspring. Well, there you have it - zero.

You could have said, hey, I failed 2 IVFs with bad quality eggs/embryos. You could have just been thankful to have the technology to have KNOWN it was time to move onto donor egg and fulfill yourself instead of beating your own head against a brick wall and then sobbing when the wall didn't move for you.

Sheesh! You now have exactly what you set out to have - NOTHING! For Pete's Sake, go the donor egg route and realize your dream of becoming a mom. Isn't that what's paramount?!

Obviously this is someone that "knows" me in the sense of having chatted with me on some board or other.  I assume.  Unless she has just found the blog and thinks she can sum me up in an instant.  But doesn't know me at all in the sense that I have explained time and time again that:

a) I had to come to the ability to accept and want being a mother to a child that was not genetically related to me in my own way and time.  I don't think it was an obsessive quest, but even if it was, what's it to you?
b) I'm not bankrupt - just because I am now choosing to spend my money on acupuncture school and not an immediate donor egg cycle doesn't mean that I couldn't do a donor egg cycle right now if I so chose.
c) I'm not left with nothing.  Through this journey I have had some very deep and painful experiences, yes.  But I've also had profound insights into my own character and have opened my heart.  I think I've become a better person because of it.  I'm radically changing my profession and my entire life because of it.  I would certainly never judge someone that took a different path from what I would do, or what I think they should do. Unlike this commenter.
d) Is becoming a mother what's paramount?  I'm not sure that it is.  I think being the best mother possible is what's paramount.  And if I was honest enough with myself to realize that in December 2006 I would always have thought of donor egg or adoption as "second best" and would always have mourned that hypothetical genetic offspring, then I think that I took the best option available to me at that time.  I'd rather have spent longer getting here, knowing that NOW I am truly fully open to doing a donor egg cycle or adopting than to inflict on my child any slight perceived bias that I might think somewhere in the hidden, dark recesses of my brain that that was not really my child.
e) It never was 100% clear that I could NEVER succeed with an IVF with my own eggs.  I'm still under 40.  I'm still not 100% clear that if I started trying naturally tomorrow and kept trying for the next 3 years that it would be utterly impossible for me to conceive my own genetic child.  Obviously, I'm (probably) not going to do another IVF with my own eggs, but is it 100% clear that there's NO hope of a normal egg?  Not to me it isn't.
f) I don't regret any of my IVF cycles.

In my view, there are far too many women in the IF community that think like this commenter. Even one person with this type of view is too many. Yes, I would have saved money in the long run by not doing so many IVFs.  But if that wasn't the right choice for me, isn't it up to me to decide what IS the right choice?  There are plenty of women out there (and I may be one of them) that decide not to continue with treatment.  That decide that being childfree/childless is a viable option, and one that they are going to go with. Yet there are segments of the IF community (and it seems to be particularly women who have chosen to use donor eggs) that marginalize and put down women who choose not to continue treatment.  PJ at coming2terms has been discussing this recently - how women that are childless are made to feel invisible in this society. 

I know quite a few women who chose to use donor eggs, and who are very happy with their choice. They wish that I could have the happiness that they now have, yet they don't judge that I have not taken that step yet, and may never take that step.  I appreciate every single one of them that has offered me their views on how it has worked out for them.  They truly have helped me move on to being ready to do that myself.  Yet there always seem to be one or two that DO judge, and think that bashing me over the head is a much better way to convince me to do what they did.  And I'm not sure why they can't realize that some of us will get there at our own pace, and will make decisions based on what is right for us at the time, thankyouverymuch. Please, grow some empathy, darlin'.


Heather said...


Many people told me that one of my meds was making my lining thin...and had I pursued that I would have been pregnant long ago probably. But I had to take this journey my way, it is a hard journey and even harder if you are being pushed down a path you aren't ready for. I learned so many things by doing it my way and I really do feel like I am a better person because of it.

Infertility sucks, I don't think anyone will argue that. But if we search, I do believe we can find gems in our path.

Don't let someone get you down. You are an amazing woman and you know yourself.

Alacrity said...

What a freakishly venomous comment!

Freakish: going through your archives to find just the right old post to comment on, referring to you by name, as though you are friends.

Venomous: attempting to rub your face in 20/20 hindsight (which is irrelevant anyway because, as you say, you can never KNOW that IVF isn't going to work), and bashing you for not choosing what she might have chosen for herself.

And cowardly for posting anonymously.

Anonymous said...

I second the others who find the naysyaer cowardly and venomenous. I read your blog in awe of your spirit and honesty. Dont let one rotten apple get you down. Others support you, even those who may choose different paths. This is from one with 3 failed ivfs, 6 failed iuis and then miraculously lucky only recently. best wishes ~ Sheba

lilacdreams said...

I second the others who find the "nay-sayer" cowardly and venomenous. I read your blog in awe of your spirit and honesty. Dont let one rotten apple get you down. Others support you, even those who may choose different paths. This is from one with 3 failed ivfs, 6 failed iuis and then miraculously lucky only recently. best wishes ~ Sheba

Anonymous said...

Just an ignorant cowardly angry person that doesn't know squat!!!
She doesn't know that life is a journey, and we continue to learn from everything around us whether it goes are way or not. Do not listen to this immature pessimistic person. I read your journal alot and it is inspiring and helpful to me!!!
Keep up the great spirits!
Many women fail DE!
Do not listen to this idiot!
Wished I had your private email to mail u the post about DE on the 40+board on network54. It talks about that not all women get their desire by going DE. DE is not for everyone and is not everyone's answer. She is so ignorant!

bleu said...

My gawd Sarah. What the fuck???

It is completely ignorant and astounding how people continue to believe that if you do not believe or do as they say or believe than you are foolish or wrong.

Another thing that pisses me off about that comment, your blog has always taken the time to really thoroughly discuss your reasons for wanting the genetic connection which I have always found so wonderful to see discussed. I think it is often overlooked. Your blog has always discussed, at length, all of your feelings surrounding all choices you have made and ones you have contemplated.

As a mother I want that for you so much because I love it so and think you would too. But I also get so much here from your journey because I am having if now and may end up the donor egg/embryo route. I have many concerns and have gotten such good info and insight from reading your journey on this.

Why the hell would she come here and say such crap?? well it is obvious, she is clueless, she doesn't know reality and spews crap instead. I know LOTS of women who think IVF is a sure thing, ha! There are also plenty of women who have had the heartbreak of failed donor cycles, there are no guarantees but to sit here and say what someone should do on this highly emotional and highly personal journey is just rudeness personified.
I am so sorry you had to even see that junk.

Almamay said...

Wow. I fifth or sixth what has already been said and support you and your choices. Also, I want to thank you for your honest and open sharing of your journey and I thank the day that I found you!

That commenter has a problem. A very serious problem. Maybe she regrets a decision? Maybe a decision she made to go down the DE route before she was ready? She obviously carries a lot of anger and her children will be aware of that anger. I know you want to smother your children with love. Lots and lots of love.

Sending my love. x

PVED Mom said...

I am a donor egg mom and I'd *never* ever* say something like that to someone who was trying to get pregnant with their own eggs. Only *you* can decide the right choices for you in creating and growing your family. To be truly supportive of another is to support their choices even if they aren't in line with yours. I am so sorry this person felt the need to shame you, and tell you what she felt you needed to do.

I think the only time I'd ever be so bold would be if I thought you were being treated unfairly, inappropriately, or unethically by your careprovider. I know I couldn't keep my mouth shut and see a fellow mom to be poorly.

Please don't allow anyone to push you down a path you aren't ready for. You have to do things in your own time.

Baby dust and fertile thoughts!


Cindy said...

Wow! That post was crazy on so many levels! Who goes back TWO YEARS and posts such instigating words on such a tender topic?! Why not come out and post on a recent topic about how she feels!? AND AT LEAST leave her name! Sheesh!

Then to judge you and try make you feel bad in an "I told you so" way about where you have been and the process you went through!? That's just awful and incredibly sensitive. Infertility itself hurts enough without hearing this crap. I sure hope that poster comes forward and reveals herself to you.

Donor egg is NOT for everyone. Adoption is NOT for everyone. Fertility treatments are NOT for everyone. People need to make their own decisions about their lives. Any adult should know that. If any of it was or is for you, only you can make that decision. My goodness! The audacity of some people!

katedaphne said...

Sarah, just saw this post. I agree with all the others here that such words are completely out of line. Unfortunately, people like this exist in every community, in every place and walk of life. I forget who taught me, "The opinions of worthless people are worthless" -- but I never saw a more apt place to put that motto into use!

MLO said...

The commenter is out of line. Not every path is right for everyone. Each of us has to make these decisions ourselves. And, honestly, i think that DE has started to be an excuse for REs not to research and push to find ways to get women with High FSH pregnant - not just the older women. If you really are wanting to see the guru who let's you decide, according to the gals on the High FSH board it is Dr. Check in NJ. If you aren't in a place to make such a decision, pursue what you want first.

Whatever your decision, make sure it is right for you and not what someone else wants you to do.