Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Fear

Right on cue, the fear is setting in. The fear that I will have no normal embryos and that will be that. I mean, I don't even know why I am stressing so much. I even had a nice dream last night about adopting, and being handed my child, and I woke up feeling like it was a lovely and perfect thing to do. And then my brain started churning, and by the time I was in the shower I was worked up that I'd let myself get optimistic over these embryos and that I'll probably have the rug pulled from under me.

I really am at peace with what happens. I am. I guess I am just invested in these embryos. I suppose that what I am at peace with is that, in 5 years time, I know I will have a good life. I will either be a mother somehow, or I won't, but whatever happens, life will turn out OK. It doesn't stop me hoping that this particular cycle works out. I'm sure it also won't stop me hoping that a particular adoption situation works out if I go down that route. You see the joy coming your way, and you want to grab onto it and get it here as quickly as possible.

So, there's a part of me that wishes I had just done a straight IVF this time, and had transferred my three good embyros. There's a part of me that got so excited about hearing the day 3 news that I started imagining at least one normal embryo, and a successful transfer, and pregnancy and....even having a real, live, healthy baby. And yet there's a big part of me that thinks that 70+ previous eggs (counting my IUI's) all being bad does not bode well for these ones. Especially as I did all those caffeine- and alcohol- related no-nos. I mean, sure, I was zen about them at the time, but now the fear is whispering in my ear that due to a cup of coffee I can't possibly have a decent egg this time. Which is crazy talk, I know. But since when has IVF not made anyone crazy?


bleu said...

Aw just sending love hun. Sending many wonderful thoughts and lots of love.

calliope said...

dude, we must have had the same anxiety laced breakfast today.

So here is where I fulfill my Pollyanna promise to you. Brace yourself.

IT IS GOING TO WORK!! They will ALL be normal! You will have a crop to chose from.

When do you get another call from the clinic?


Amy said...

IVF sure does make you crazy I can attest to that! When do you hear the results?

I too am hoping for a few normal embryo's. I am not getting genetic testing but my embryo's are multinucleated and have a very small chance at survival. Anyhow I can't wait to hear the results.

ER for IVF #6 is today for me. It's the next few days that are DREADED! But you know exactly what I mean!