The Fear

Right on cue, the fear is setting in. The fear that I will have no normal embryos and that will be that. I mean, I don't even know why I am stressing so much. I even had a nice dream last night about adopting, and being handed my child, and I woke up feeling like it was a lovely and perfect thing to do. And then my brain started churning, and by the time I was in the shower I was worked up that I'd let myself get optimistic over these embryos and that I'll probably have the rug pulled from under me.

I really am at peace with what happens. I am. I guess I am just invested in these embryos. I suppose that what I am at peace with is that, in 5 years time, I know I will have a good life. I will either be a mother somehow, or I won't, but whatever happens, life will turn out OK. It doesn't stop me hoping that this particular cycle works out. I'm sure it also won't stop me hoping that a particular adoption situation works out if I go down that route. You see the joy coming your way, and you want to grab onto it and get it here as quickly as possible.

So, there's a part of me that wishes I had just done a straight IVF this time, and had transferred my three good embyros. There's a part of me that got so excited about hearing the day 3 news that I started imagining at least one normal embryo, and a successful transfer, and pregnancy and....even having a real, live, healthy baby. And yet there's a big part of me that thinks that 70+ previous eggs (counting my IUI's) all being bad does not bode well for these ones. Especially as I did all those caffeine- and alcohol- related no-nos. I mean, sure, I was zen about them at the time, but now the fear is whispering in my ear that due to a cup of coffee I can't possibly have a decent egg this time. Which is crazy talk, I know. But since when has IVF not made anyone crazy?