A flip of a coin

Have you ever made an important decision by flipping a coin? I mean, a really important decision? Not just what to have for dinner, but something that will affect the rest of your life.

I have.

When I get to that point where I have agonized over a decision for days, weeks, even months, when I just can't sort out the list of pros and cons, when I can't decide which way to go, I have in the past occasionally flipped a coin.

Not that I necessarily followed what the coin told me to do. But it's very very revealing when that heads or tails comes up and you find out what your gut reaction to the decision is. Sometimes you say "oh yay!" and sometimes you say "oh. [sigh] Maybe 2 out of 3?" And then in that moment you know what your heart and your gut are really feeling about the decision, and you go with what you really wanted to do but were too afraid to commit to.

So thank you all for your comments on what I should do next. I found reading them to be very enlightening, and the equivalent of a mental coin toss, because to some of the comments I was "oh yay!"ing and to some of them I was "oh. [sigh]"ing. Which tells me a LOT about what I am really feeling inside but haven't fully articulated. And, yet again, the priority list has changed. One thing has moved down, and one thing has moved up. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me with my decision making.

Now, part of the decision still rests with my post-IVF WTF consultation with Big Clinic that I still haven't had. It's set for the 15th of this month, which seems an age away. And part of it rests with whether Big Snake Oil Immune clinic says I qualify for their study. But assuming Dr. S says it is worth trying again with my own eggs, and assuming I don't qualify for the study, here's the current plan.

1. FET
2. Another cycle at Big Clinic with my own eggs.
3. Donor eggs in S. Africa or somewhere.

I had in fact already emailed the S. African donor agency about getting on their list, and they responded this morning. So I got to see photos and short profiles of their donors while I was having my breakfast. And one of them actually looks kinda like me and is exactly the same height as me. I responded to the agency saying "well, I'm still a bit undecided as to whether I'll do another cycle with my own eggs, but thanks so much for responding. Actually "XYZ" resembles me, so that gives me confidence that I can actually do this and it definitely helped being able to see photos so early in the process." Or words to that effect. And wouldn't you know, they already responded with XYZ's full profile. Gulp! And I think I could actually use her. I think it might be a step I could take. Pretty huge, no?

In other news, I have my HSG at lunch time, which I'm not looking forward to. Please hope for no pain and no polyps for me!

The choices for the new year

Well, here we are, 2008 is upon us. I am heartsick that I am not pregnant. 2008 is the year I turn 40 and I always imagined that I would have my family by now. OK, truthfully I imagined that I would immediately become pregnant when I started TTC'ing at 36, have my second baby at 38 and then miraculously meet a man at age 40 and have my third baby (with my new husband) at 41 or 42. This, you understand, being plan B, as of course I was going to get married at 32 and have babies the old fashioned way before I moved on to thinking about doing it on my own.

Ha ha ha. The joke's on me. Instead of life being anything like I planned and hoped for, I have plumbed the depths of misery that I didn't even know existed. The last few years have been truly awful. I never imagined just how bad it would feel to try and try for something you desperately want and to fail and fail and fail again.

I feel all kinds of left behind-edness and bitterness. People I started trying to conceive with have their second child, or are pregnant with their second child, or are trying for their second. Or have completed their families all at once with twins or more. Others have been through the mill and now are finally pregnant with their first. And then there's those of us who are left behind. Kind of like the non-believers after the rapture, I suppose. Oh wait, I'm going to be one of those too, so maybe there's a trend here.

But anyway, 2008 has to be the last year for trying with my own eggs. I know I said that about 2007. I know. But it is just too painful to completely stop now. Never fear, those of you that wish I would move to donor eggs already, it is coming closer. I am getting more and more mentally ready. I am getting to the impatient stage of seeing women have success with DE and wishing I could just get with the program already. I am, in a way, jealous of them which I never used to be. DE is almost close enough for me to see the whites of its eyes. However, there are choices to be made before then, and I would appreciate views on what to do.

Of course, I am doing the frozen embryo transfer first. And there's a chance it could work. And I would be absolutely overjoyed if it did. But let's be realistic here, I need to plan what to do next in the event that it doesn't work. So my choices are:

1. Move straight to donor egg. I could do a cycle in the Czech Republic or South Africa for half the price of doing a cycle locally. Pro with DE is that I have more control over whether my eventual child looks like me or not. I could also theoretically still maintain a genetic link by having my brother donate the other half of the equation for me - although that is weird and squicky so I may not do that. One of the cons though is that international travel is a tad difficult for me at the moment due to my immigration status. I can do it but I need time for government agencies to grind some paperwork out.

2. Move straight to a donor embryo program. Donor embryos are very hard to get a hold of, and the chances are that my child would look nothing like me. It could take a year or two to come up to the top of the waiting list, unless I arranged a private donation somehow. Pro is that it's way cheaper than DE, con is that it's less likely to work than DE (unless the embryos I get are already from DE) and everyone would probably ask questions if I ended up with a blonde haired, blue-eyed kid.

3. Do another cycle at Big Clinic with my own eggs. This is very appealing, partly because I feel that Big Clinic got me close with the chemical pregnancies, and it would put off the decision on moving to DE. I know the clinic and how things operate there. I would probably be able to cycle quickly, as there'd be no new patient intake malarkey. Apart from the money and time, it would be easy, but then again I should get my tax refund before cycling so that would help with the money aspect. But how big of an expectation should I really have that it could finally work? And then afterwards I am still faced with the choice of DE or ED or adoption or whatever if it doesn't work.

4. Do another cycle with my own eggs at a different clinic. There are various choices - Big Commercial Clinic in the snowy mountainous area of the country, Big Snake Oil Immune Issues Clinic in the desert area, and Mini Stim Clinic in the same city as Big Clinic, among others. Big Commercial Clinic may or may not take me on due to my prior failures. I have always poo-pooed Big Snake Oil Immune Clinic, but they have an interesting study underway that might allow me to do an IVF for cheap. Although I could very well not qualify - I have sent them an email asking if there's any hope of getting in. The study involves PGD-like testing, which would at least give me an idea if my eggs/embryos really are all abnormal or not. And I'm sure they would recommend some more esoteric immune testing, so that would always be a lark. However, if I don't qualify for the study, I'm not sure how keen I am to change RE's yet again. Mini Stim Clinic has a following, and uses Clomid to do IVF for oldies like me on the basis that the egg quality is better if you use fewer stim drugs. But you really need to plan on doing multiple cycles, which is offputting, and I've probably had too much Clomid in my lifetime to be able to do too many.

5. Adopt domestically. Uh, really not feeling this one at the moment, although it was previously top of the list. I don't really think I have the energy. At least, not this year. Maybe next year.

6. None of the above. Quit trying to conceive, quit my shite ass job, go to acupuncture school and maybe move back to England. Adopt a Vietnamese baby if allowed in a few years.

7. Uh, ideas from the floor?

It's fairly obvious to me where my heart is heading, given that one of the options above is written up all positively and the rest are not. But oh Blogosphere what do you really think?

Fraudulent whining

I feel like a fraud, I tell ya. There was I, whining and moaning about the last IVF being my last cycle with my own eggs. Evah. And then grieving and whining and moaning when it didn't work. And now? Poof! Gone! It's so not there and I feel so much better now that I just feel like you all will feel that all the crying was just crocodile tears. It really wasn't, I promise. But I just hit this big ole brick wall every time I tried to move forward with the "no more of Sarah's eggs" plan and I felt so...so broken. And yet if I turned aside and said to myself "I think I could" in a Thomas The Tank Engine-style way, I think I could use my own eggs again, there was an immediate easing of pain.

It's as if this huge weight lifted off me when I allowed myself to start thinking of another cycle with my own eggs. As if every cell in my body let out a collective sigh of relief and said "yessssss!"

I mean, don't get me wrong. I am diligently researching donor eggs and donor embryos. I am lurking on and posting on donor chat boards. I am getting my head around the idea. Mentally, I feel like I am beginning to make the leap. The only snag is that the rest of my body, especially my heart, absolutely refuses to follow the lead. And as people who've made that move to donor eggs or embryos keep telling me that I'll just *know* when it's the right time, I have to say that I most categorically do not yet *know*.

So I shall go on researching and thinking, but perhaps in the background. In the foreground is the FET, so this is to report that I have only small cysts on my ovaries which shouldn't stop me from going ahead, and yesterday's estrogen was nice and low. So I think I should be cleared to start the birth control pills tonight.

Craaaaazy

I amaze myself sometimes, I really do.

There I was, grieving having to stop trying for children from my own eggs, writing off the FET as a foregone conclusion and then I thought...wait! This crazy FET thing could actually work, especially if they let me do an IUI at the same time. I could actually have some hope here and have not yet actually reached the end of the road for my eggs. And that made me all excited and hopeful and like there was joy and a point to life again.

Which got me thinking. As usual. I was reading an old post by the fabulous Julie of a little pregnant fame which was in response to one of those "why don't you just adopt?" comments that infertility sufferers get from time to time. Well, often, really, let's not pretend it's a "from time to time" issue at all. It's a classic post, it really is. You should read it. I'll wait while you do. And, mind you, this was before she had Charlie but while pregnant.

And I was thinking, god, why can't I seem to move on to adoption or donor eggs easily. Why not me? Why do I keep trying and trying with my own eggs. Why, even though I so wanted to be done, even though I promised myself I would be done, even though I was happy to be done fer fuck's sake, why now after the negative and the crying and sobbing do I secretly want to do another cycle? Why do I not want to give up? Well, it's partly because it does happen sometimes. Some women do have success on IVF#9 or whatever. So there's this little bit of hope that drags me forward constantly, that doesn't allow me to give up. There's this little bit of joy that bubbles up when I think about trying again with my eggs that just isn't there when I think of donor eggs or adoption.

But it's probably mostly because I am crazy. Craaaazy. Clearly I must be somewhat unbalanced, or I would have stopped long ago, realizing that the odds are so not in my favor. And if we're being honest here, a big part of the reason why I wanted to stop trying with my own eggs was because of what the world out there (that is, you lot) would think of me. That you would think I was so desperate to conceive a genetically related child that I was refusing to see the whole point of this exercise, which is motherhood after all, which doesn't have to involve any genetic link at all.

However, as Julie puts it better than anyone:

It's not for you — for anyone —
To scold, to hector, or to scoff
At how we build our families, hon.
We decide that. You fuck off.

So, um. There we are. I have decided that if I want to be crazy and do yet another IVF with my own eggs, I might just do that. It's too hard to grieve giving up the genetic link when I don't have to, you see. I am not at the age where the RE's say that it is a foregone conclusion. I am not at the financial limit where I need to stop and move on or there won't be any money left. Really the only choice is what is harder - another cycle with my eggs or donor eggs (or whatever). And while going through the cycle I thought another cycle with my own eggs would be way harder because I wouldn't have any hope left, at this point it seems to me that donor eggs would be harder. And because I always like to take the easy way out, that's what I'm thinking right now.

Of course, if both RE's tell me point blank that I need to stop kidding myself and I need to move to DE and just shut up, this could all be moot. I'll find out tomorrow what one of them thinks, at least.

Full steam ahead

I did not go for my repeat beta this morning. I am bad, I am bad, I am bad. I am debating whether to go tomorrow, but I probably won't. I know they want to just make sure it's not an ectopic with a weird beta situation, but I really believe that it was a straightforward chemical. So I really don't think I am in any danger.

Anyway, I called this morning and made the appointment for my post-IVF WTF consultation with Dr. S. at Big Clinic, so that is set for Jan. 9th. And I called Local Clinic to see if I could move up that FET consultation with Dr. M., and if I go to the main office they can fit me in on Wednesday morning. That's in 2 days! So that means I can probably do the FET in January which is much better timing-wise for figuring other stuff out. It makes me happier to get it out of the way quickly.

Retail therapy is a wonderful thing

I am posting this from my brand new MacBook using my brand new DSL connection and I have to say, I am liking it!  Now, OK, I'm sure the real tech whizzes amongst you are laughing that I have DSL but I am pretty darn cheap when it comes to things you have to pay for over and over again. Besides, I don't have cable TV and it was confusing and expensive to get a plan with just cable internet and no TV.  I will wait for the next latest and greatest thing to come after cable and move to that.  Whatever it ends up being.

Anyway, I've been planning on getting a new computer for months.  Ever since the last one died and yet I have held out because of finances or some other screwy reason like doing an IVF.   And no, I really shouldn't be spending all this money, but I was really missing having internet access at home and if I'm going to take out X thousands of dollars from my savings to pay for the IVF I may as well bite the bullet and take out X+1 thousands.

As for me, I'm doing OK.  The sobbing has subsided and is now a much more restrained weeping.  Still doing it every day, but that's OK.  I am fine with taking time to grieve this failed cycle and the very possible loss of the genetic link to my child(ren) or maybe even the end of trying to conceive altogether.  It is something that needs time, that needs to be expressed, and I'm OK with that.  Just so long as I can booze at the same time, I am good.

I have decided that I will call Big Clinic tomorrow, and book my post-IVF consultation (more colloquially known as the WTF consultation).  I really wasn't going to do it, even though it is free, because I was afraid that I'd come away wanting to cycle again and not be able to resist.  But Dr. S. may have interesting things to say, and it would be foolish to pass up the chance to go over the cycle with him.  He may just say that it is time for donor eggs, and that would mesh with my own thinking.  But he may say that we could try another cycle, and you know what, it would not be the end of the world if I decided to do another one, even though I said I wouldn't.  I have been spending all this mental energy basically telling myself that I HAVE to end here, that everyone will think I'm crazy for keep trying to flog my poor old ovaries into submission.  But if that's what my heart wants to do, then it is worth considering.  

I'm also going to try to move up the consultation for the FET/IUI combo.  That's definitely going to come first, whatever I decide for the future, and I don't want to spend all of January just waiting for the chance to speak to Dr. M., my local RE.  So I'll see if they can fit me in earlier.

And then the future.  Well, I'm going to ask both RE's what they really think.  I know Dr. M. will suggest donor eggs.  I don't know if Dr. S. will suggest that or not, but it's fairly likely.  I guess I'll also ask if they do donor embryos at their clinics just to do a bit of research on that.  Adoption is lagging further and further behind in my thinking, so is now a fairly distant fifth place.  I'm not sure why this is, as it was previously one of the top contenders but I suppose that was before I really tried opening my heart to donor eggs or embryos.  We'll see how things shake out over the next few months I guess.  Hey, you never know, that FET might just work and then I won't have to worry about it all.  OK, fine, don't all laugh quite so loudly please.  There's always a miniscule chance that it could work.

Feeling the grief

I am allowing the grief over this cycle to wash over me in fits and starts. It seems to come in waves - sometimes it seems more than I can bear, and sometimes it is just a dull ache. Most of the time I have to squash it back down as I need to be at work and can't turn into a blubbering mess at any moment of the day. But when I am alone I am letting it come. I am letting myself heave and sob and gasp for breath with the very effort of it all. I am going to try not to completely numb myself with alcohol (at least, not every night) so that I can work through this grief properly.

Sometimes it just crushes me when I think of my family. About my parents' genes not going forward into future generations. About my maternal grandparents' genes not going forward. Hell, even my maternal grandmother's parents may stop here. Some of that is due to war, to early accidental deaths, and in the present day it is due to mental illness, to the failure to find a partner and to choosing not to have children. But I was trying for them. I was trying to make sure my sweet Granny and my dear Father and Mother carried on into the future. And I failed. I turned out to be infertile because I left it too late.

And I sob and weep and it feels like people are dying all over again.

And then I think about things, and realize that some of this is pure chance and none of us have any clue as to whether we are going to contribute to the future of humanity after all. And I look at my cousins who look nothing at all like my lovely Granny so I think how silly it is of me to grieve her genetics when really it is her sweet nature and loving kindness and history that needs to be carried forward. Who can say what my cousins have of Granny, except that they remember her ways and loved her for it. And that doesn't need a genetic connection at all. And on that I think I am slowly making progress. But it has taken a stopping, a getting off of the train that was propelling me forward to be able to really feel that. I knew it intellectually but I didn't know if I could make the leap to know it in my heart. It is still a feeling that is deeply painful right now but I know that the pain will dull over time and I will be able to move forward at some point. I don't yet know what I will be moving forward into but I know that life, and our family, can go on if I choose.