IVF Musings

I triggered last night, and for the first time I am wondering if I did it right.  My first trigger cycle I think I did an HPT the next morning, just to check.  Then in IVF cycles both local clinic and NY clinic have you in for a blood draw the next morning, to check both estrogen and HCG.  So there was never any need to worry as there was always some sort of confirmation that I did the shot right.  And I've always had a fairly obvious reaction the next morning - nips at full attention, slight nausea, and just that weird slightly dizzy feeling.  Last cycle, I don't remember anything so I guess I didn't give it a second thought, but this time there is something...I don't know...wrong.  No nip reaction, no nausea, no nothing.  I mixed the meds carefully, like I always do.  I injected it carefully at precisely the right time.  No problem.  Except I keep grabbing the empty vial out of the trash just to check that a) it really was HCG, and b) that it is empty.  

I was going to post about how zen and at peace I am.  And I really am, fundamentally, happy and at peace.  It's a deep, deep contentment.  I am amazed that it is still here, so am hopeful that it is a permanent shift.  Thank you for your comments on my post mentioning child abuse, by the way.  They did really help me.  I kept looking for the meaning, but why should I?  I have moved past finding meaning in why I had to go through infertility.  It was just something that happened to me.  No rhyme or reason that I can see.  Just, on the face of it, random chance.  We just have to work with the cards that we are dealt.  So why should I look for a reason for child abuse?  I shouldn't, and I don't have to.  It is something bad that happens to people, that causes suffering.  I shouldn't look for some deeper meaning than that, but should just hope that at least some of the victims can find peace.

But anyway, I also need to learn that being at peace with what is happening in my life doesn't mean that I'm not going to worry about whether I did the trigger shot correctly!  It doesn't remove everything - after all, I still have to function in society, and if that means checking that I turned the gas stove off, then that's an appropriate thing to check.  You can't drift through life blithely assuming that you don't have to look when crossing the road, because you'll only die when you're meant to!  There is a need for basic common sense, after all.

I also wanted to post about the things I have done differently this IVF cycle.  Given that I decided that it will either work or it won't, and I don't have any control over that, AND that if the doctors say my issues are due to chromosomal damage/aging, I decided that having a cup of coffee in the last week is not really going to change anything (and thanks to Margie for that realization too).  So, so far I have kept drinking alcohol - pretty steadily during lupron/estrogen priming, and since starting stims I have had 1 beer, 1.5 glasses of wine, and 1.5 rum & cokes.  I haven't gone crazy, but I haven't stopped completely - after all, when you walk into a restaurant for dinner and they are having a rum promotion and offering as many free rum & cokes as you'd like to drink, it's rather churlish to refuse, no?  I have also been drinking coffee.  In fact, this week I have had two cups a day of the caffeinated stuff, and on some days I have had a decaf coffee as well.  Well, you can't make a good cup of tea without the proper equipment, and an English girl needs good tea or no tea at all!  Besides, there's a coffee shop opposite LV clinic that serves Illy coffee, and that's my favoritest coffee evah, so I couldn't resist.  I have also had diet cokes, which is something I don't normally drink any more.  But, you know, it is hot in Vegas and a nice, ice cold coke sometimes does the trick better than anything else.  Oh, I sat in a hot tub briefly the other day (what?  I was cold when I got out of the pool, yes, even in Vegas).  There's been chocolate.  A packet of doritos.  Chewing gum.  Chemicals galore.  I had a pedicure yesterday, which was lovely.  I have kept up with my Chinese herbs instead of dropping them during stims, as they aren't supposed to interact, and I figure I will need building back up again after ER.  I have been quite sporadic with the prenatals.  And probably a few other things that I am forgetting to mention.  And so far, I've had a good response to the meds, so none of that has made a difference, except made me feel more relaxed about shit.  And, I'm not going to beat myself up for drinking coffee if this cycle doesn't work, because I avoided it every other cycle, and those didn't work either.

Oh, hey, just a brief mention of another first for me - I shot up last Friday on the plane.  While in the air.  After going through some turbulence (but thankfully not while going through some turbulence!).  I am the injection queen!  I have no fear! OK, so I only did the follistim because it's super easy with the pen, and waited until I landed before doing my other shots, but hey.  So now I've shot up in the back of a moving car, and in a moving plane.  And plenty of public bathrooms.  It's probably a good thing that I'm stopping treatment now, because no doubt I'd have to shoot up on a rollercoaster next, just to show that I could.