Friday, June 13, 2008

IVF Musings

I triggered last night, and for the first time I am wondering if I did it right.  My first trigger cycle I think I did an HPT the next morning, just to check.  Then in IVF cycles both local clinic and NY clinic have you in for a blood draw the next morning, to check both estrogen and HCG.  So there was never any need to worry as there was always some sort of confirmation that I did the shot right.  And I've always had a fairly obvious reaction the next morning - nips at full attention, slight nausea, and just that weird slightly dizzy feeling.  Last cycle, I don't remember anything so I guess I didn't give it a second thought, but this time there is something...I don't know...wrong.  No nip reaction, no nausea, no nothing.  I mixed the meds carefully, like I always do.  I injected it carefully at precisely the right time.  No problem.  Except I keep grabbing the empty vial out of the trash just to check that a) it really was HCG, and b) that it is empty.  

I was going to post about how zen and at peace I am.  And I really am, fundamentally, happy and at peace.  It's a deep, deep contentment.  I am amazed that it is still here, so am hopeful that it is a permanent shift.  Thank you for your comments on my post mentioning child abuse, by the way.  They did really help me.  I kept looking for the meaning, but why should I?  I have moved past finding meaning in why I had to go through infertility.  It was just something that happened to me.  No rhyme or reason that I can see.  Just, on the face of it, random chance.  We just have to work with the cards that we are dealt.  So why should I look for a reason for child abuse?  I shouldn't, and I don't have to.  It is something bad that happens to people, that causes suffering.  I shouldn't look for some deeper meaning than that, but should just hope that at least some of the victims can find peace.

But anyway, I also need to learn that being at peace with what is happening in my life doesn't mean that I'm not going to worry about whether I did the trigger shot correctly!  It doesn't remove everything - after all, I still have to function in society, and if that means checking that I turned the gas stove off, then that's an appropriate thing to check.  You can't drift through life blithely assuming that you don't have to look when crossing the road, because you'll only die when you're meant to!  There is a need for basic common sense, after all.

I also wanted to post about the things I have done differently this IVF cycle.  Given that I decided that it will either work or it won't, and I don't have any control over that, AND that if the doctors say my issues are due to chromosomal damage/aging, I decided that having a cup of coffee in the last week is not really going to change anything (and thanks to Margie for that realization too).  So, so far I have kept drinking alcohol - pretty steadily during lupron/estrogen priming, and since starting stims I have had 1 beer, 1.5 glasses of wine, and 1.5 rum & cokes.  I haven't gone crazy, but I haven't stopped completely - after all, when you walk into a restaurant for dinner and they are having a rum promotion and offering as many free rum & cokes as you'd like to drink, it's rather churlish to refuse, no?  I have also been drinking coffee.  In fact, this week I have had two cups a day of the caffeinated stuff, and on some days I have had a decaf coffee as well.  Well, you can't make a good cup of tea without the proper equipment, and an English girl needs good tea or no tea at all!  Besides, there's a coffee shop opposite LV clinic that serves Illy coffee, and that's my favoritest coffee evah, so I couldn't resist.  I have also had diet cokes, which is something I don't normally drink any more.  But, you know, it is hot in Vegas and a nice, ice cold coke sometimes does the trick better than anything else.  Oh, I sat in a hot tub briefly the other day (what?  I was cold when I got out of the pool, yes, even in Vegas).  There's been chocolate.  A packet of doritos.  Chewing gum.  Chemicals galore.  I had a pedicure yesterday, which was lovely.  I have kept up with my Chinese herbs instead of dropping them during stims, as they aren't supposed to interact, and I figure I will need building back up again after ER.  I have been quite sporadic with the prenatals.  And probably a few other things that I am forgetting to mention.  And so far, I've had a good response to the meds, so none of that has made a difference, except made me feel more relaxed about shit.  And, I'm not going to beat myself up for drinking coffee if this cycle doesn't work, because I avoided it every other cycle, and those didn't work either.

Oh, hey, just a brief mention of another first for me - I shot up last Friday on the plane.  While in the air.  After going through some turbulence (but thankfully not while going through some turbulence!).  I am the injection queen!  I have no fear! OK, so I only did the follistim because it's super easy with the pen, and waited until I landed before doing my other shots, but hey.  So now I've shot up in the back of a moving car, and in a moving plane.  And plenty of public bathrooms.  It's probably a good thing that I'm stopping treatment now, because no doubt I'd have to shoot up on a rollercoaster next, just to show that I could.


Tina said...

I've been pondering (again) whether drinking coffee makes any difference. I wish it did, like it was THE missing piece of the puzzle and if I stopped, it would happen easily. But then you see people who smoke/drink/are even more addicted to coffee than I am and they get pregnant easy as pie... You're right - you can't beat yourself up over it.

calliope said...

you are SO bad ass!! In the plane?!?! You need a badge for that!

I love this zen/fuck it/whatever attitude you have for this cycle. I am going to steal it in July.

As for the trigger- I'm sure you did it perfectly. I mean if you can shoot up on an airplane you're above & beyond trigger 101.


DC said...

Good luck with your ER!!!!

I've had the same attitude this cycle; one soda or glass of wine is not going to make or break my chances for a pregnancy. Last time I made it to ER, I was an angel (no booze, no caffeine, nothing), and I was soooo resentful when it didn't work out. This time, I vowed to continue living my life while cycling.

I'm keeping everything crossed that you get lots of eggies tomorrow. :)

Almamay said...

Ahh, you've joined the mile high IVF club. Congratulations. Maybe because I've done the majority of my IVFs not in the country I live in but I've lost count how many times I've shot up on in the toilet of a plane. I've even done a few ones where I had to do some mixing and changing needles. It's mental when I think about it. Turbulence ads to the thrill eh?

All the best for EC tomorrow.

Aimee & Hannah said...

Good Luck tomorrow Sarah!!! :o) Positive thoughts!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you did the trigger shot properly. Who knows, maybe the other times weren't correct, LOL...
I'm glad you're hanging a little looser this cycle. You deserve it, and I really don't see how it will hurt you anyway. Plus, you have so many eggs this time, you must be doing something right!
Best of luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you and sending groovy vibes your way.
Love, Margie

Anonymous said...

I'm sure there wasn't a time when I didn't wonder if I hadn't just screwed up my trigger shot, but it always seemed to work out. I love your 'tude for this cycle. Now watch it be the one that works! If there could be anything bad about that, it would be that some idjit would conclude all you had to do was just relax!

It's Saturday morning on the West Coast, so I would guess you're having your retrieval right about now. FX for you, Sarah. I know this is your last cycle (at least with your own eggs), and you aren't exactly wildly optimistic about it, but I will continue to hope that a nice fat rabbit pops out of the hat, and promptly dies. (For you youngsters, that's a reference to the pre-pee stick pregnancy test.)