Monday, June 23, 2008

Mulling

At times this weekend, it has felt like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more cycling! No more shots, no more hormone crazies, no more RE appointments (unless I do a donor embryo cycle, caveat, caveat, blah blah blah). No more spending crazy sums of money every single fucking month on something or other. No more prenatals. No more herbs. No more caring. It at times has made me positively giddy and made me want to laugh out loud. I mailed off some of the contents of my IVF meds box on Saturday, and although it's still a giant box of stuff, the act of giving away some of my leftovers felt very freeing.

And then of course the inevitable flip would happen, and I'd go back to feeling sad that my ovaries are so fucking broken that I couldn't produce a normal egg out of the 70+ that I tried with. I tried to call my dad to tell him about the lack of genetic grandchildren coming from me, but I never managed to connect with him. It's a call that's been weighing on my mind, as I know he would dearly love to have grandchildren and my brother is a lost cause. However, hopefully I can keep hope alive for him by telling him about maybe adopting, or maybe meeting a hot guy at acu school and miraculously getting knocked up the old fashioned way (*snort!* *guffaw*). Or prepare him for the possibility of nothing at all.

It's a strange state to be in. I trolled around an adoption board this weekend, and became all choked and teary when I watched a photo montage one of the moms put together about picking her daughter up from Guatemala. It seems like such a great way forward for me. And yet. And yet. Here I am going back to school, and the sensible people in my life tell me that there's no way I can care for a baby while at school and working, because my schedule will be so crazy. Of course, they were the same people telling me not to sign up for school until after I knew the outcome of this cycle because if it had succeeded there was no way I could care for a baby while at school. I figure if it is meant to be, I will find a way somehow. They are right, though, it would be much more difficult than if I was just working full time. And then the cost scares me rigid. Do I try to go with the state, knowing that healthy infants are few and far between? [But then again, maybe waiting a year or two for an infant would be a good thing, as it would get me closer to the end of school.] Or do I try to save up to pay for an agency? And how on earth do you save while working part time? Although there is still the option of renting out a room in my house to bring in extra cash so I guess that could go into the adoption fund. Do I go with donor embryo on the basis that it is cheaper than adoption, but then I am probably not going to opt for maternity coverage on my health insurance, so I'd have to look into whether that's something I can add in prior to a cycle just in case. And then what if I got knocked up with twins which I guess is more likely with young, healthy embryos? How would I handle a complicated pregnancy while going to school 40 miles away and knowing that I would no longer be paid for sick leave once I'm a part timer?

Anyway, there's plenty of time to mull over these options. I'm not going to take any action until the new year, I have decided. I am going to force myself to NOT sign up for anything for six months, so that I can let the dust settle. And there's all that working on the house to do. I spent the weekend pressure washing the patio/pool deck in my back yard (I would have done before and after photos but the "before" was so embarrassing that I decided not to). It was quite satisfying, actually, to blast away the black slimy grime that has collected over the years and to reveal pristine whiteness underneath. It felt somehow symbolic for blasting away the black slimy IF grime that has collected on my soul.

11 comments:

irene said...

Hey Sarah,
Well done on the cleaning! Always feel good even if its always the last thing I want to do. I'm delighted you're being so positive it's very inspiring and I really think that you are so right to give yourself a proper beak til Christmas and rest your mind and soul you've had a really tough time these past few years. Also my piece of assvice on the school issue is from my experience one has a lot more energy and enthusiasm when learning something new and in one's right groove. I have found myself making subtle lifestyle changes from studying in the health area that have given me a lot more energy, so bear that in mind. So I'm wishing you lots of energy to jump on hot guys!!!

Anyway best of luck with all. Ixx

bleu said...

I have been thinking about the saying lately "when in doubt, do nothing" and it sounds like that is what you are doing. It sounds smart.
Sending much love.

Anonymous said...

I'm terribly excited for you! You still have so many options. Very cool and very exciting. BTW, I'm looking into to the "state adoption" thing right now if you are interested in what I'm finding out, just email me. I got info that I didn't expect to find.
HeidN aka Jenny
justsayhi777@hotmail.com

sarah said...

A moritorium is always a good option; you'll trust your choices more after a little down time.

calliope said...

While I know you do it with a heavy heart, I think putting it out there that you are giving yourself a 6 month chill out phase is good. Of course that doesn't mean that in 2 months, or hell, even two days, you don't have insight into what you want your NEXT to be.

I' with you for the long haul, but you knew that!

xo

Kymberli said...

Sometimes hitting the brakes and idling is the best thing for figuring out which turn to takes next. I hope that when the grime gets washed away through these months of rest, one of your options will feel more right than the others and you'll have a clearer direction of where to go next. Thinking of you...

Amy said...

That is totally unfair that you wouldn't quality for maternity coverage. Yet the government seems to want to pay for all the teenage girls to be able to survive. GRRRRRRR

katty said...

Sarah,
I am impressed that you have a way forward. It sounds exciting. You clearly have courage, and that will carry you through. You will find a way, even if it isn't clear what that way is yet.
Kxx

Anonymous said...

Sarah, your posts were quite an inspiration to me for such a long time - thank you for sharing, truly.

As you, I underwent IVF. The first round I produced 6 mature eggs but not the healthiest quality embryos. The second IVF was converted to an IUI due to lack of mature embryos. Both outcomes were a BFN, of course.

My doctor asked if I wanted to give it another shot and I said "absolutely not." I saw what you and other ladies were going through - IVF after IVF after IVF after IVF after IVF - seemingly until infinity, with what was clearly an egg problem. I decided not to exhaust my emotions and finances where it was clear my eggs were a problem.

I thought about adoption but the expense is prohibitive, the countries who will consider singles are few and the paperwork and international government delays are anxiety-ridden. Domestic adoption was more than a joke for a single parent. So I decided to go the donor embryo route.

I asked my clinic to search their embryo bank and voila, a month later I had 3 beautiful embryos (blasts) all for me.

I was BFP first FET. It was so easy (and at 3K, very inexpensive) and I am the proud mom of a beautiful baby girl. In a couple of years I will do another FET.

Thanks to the experiences I saw of couples losing their homes and life savings to do endless IVF's all for the chance at genetic offspring that they'd never have and were left with nothing - thanks to all of that, I avoided the same mistakes.

What a blessing. I wish the same for you.

Kristen

Mimi said...

Sarah,
I'm so sorry for your recent bad news, but you sound like you are doing great, considering. It's good to hear that you are giving yourself six months for the mulling period. I've been ttc#2 for about 3 years, and finally decided to give up in February after another early m/c. It finally felt right to stop trying and I have been at peace with the decision. I thank the stars every day that I was somehow fortunate enough to get one healthy child (out of about 7 total years of trying!). But I just want to let you know that when AF showed up the first few times after I made the decision, I had a pretty tough time. I wasn't calling the clinic to schedule my BW, and that felt so, well, deliberate. Instead of deliberately trying to conceive, I was now deliberately NOT tryingto conceive, and that felt strange and sad. It felt a little bit like a death. But, as with all grieving, each month has gotten a little easier, and I really feel like I made the right choice. I hope the coming months ultimately give you the peace and closure you deserve -- and I'm looking forward to reading about your exciting new adventures in acu school (and whatever and whoever else you encounter on your journey)!
-Michelle (formerly of FF, SFTTC board)

Bea said...

I just heard. I'm so sorry. It's not fair.

Bea