No testing today

Thank you all for your kind words, but I know there's no hope for this cycle. I really felt pregnant up to Tuesday. And then Tuesday afternoon it started sliding away from me. And yesterday, during the day, I felt completely and utterly normal. Now, that could all be psychosomatic, I know, but I believe that I know what is going on. No more dizziness, no more fatigue, no more heartburn. No more anything. Something happened on Tuesday I think, and no more baby. Don't worry, I'm still jabbing 1.5" needles into my arse every day, and will continue until tomorrow when I get the beta result. I'm not doing anything rash. I just no longer feel that it's doing anything other than prolonging the inevitable. I'm not going to test again before the beta, though, as it just seems like a waste of money.

I was having a bit of a freak out yesterday, and at one point decided that I must stop TTC'ing now, this second, and absolutely not go and cycle in Las Vegas. Because, what's the point? Clearly my eggs are crap. And it will never work. And it's a whole lot of money just to blow up my vajayjay for nothing. But a work buddy talked me around. Strange, really, as she's also always the one telling me to be careful what I wish for and how babies are such hard work. But she knows that I'll regret it if I don't try it.

Part of my freakout was about money. You see, I want to remodel my house if I get pregnant, seeing as there's no actual bathtub in the house, and I have to go outside to use the laundry room. I always thought this would be a pain if I had a kid. Not to mention that I don't have a private bathroom so it'd be very nice to add one on to the house for many reasons. So I was freaking out about spending $20k+ on two cycles in Vegas, and then house remodeling money, and then quitting my job to go to acupuncture school + daycare. It cannot all be done. And with the housing market the way it is, I was worrying that I'd never be able to sell my house to move somewhere smaller and cheaper, and therefore couldn't free up the equity in it to help pay for everything. But, giving it some serious thought, I don't have to remodel the house. A baby can be bathed in the sink, and yes, it's a pain to go outside to do laundry in the rain, but a baby monitor would extend to the laundry room so it wouldn't be impossible to deal with. Babies can also go to in-home daycare which is cheaper than daycare centers. I also have to convince myself not to worry about what may never happen - if TTC'ing doesn't work, then financially going back to school is a lot easier to deal with. I can save like a crazy person between now and giving up work so that I have more of a cushion to work with when going to school. And I looked into a home equity line of credit, and my mortgage provider lets you just pay interest only for the first 10 years so I can easily do that too. Plus, student loans have to be available somewhere. I have also been putting money into a "new car" fund as mine's getting on a bit, but that can go into the college fund too - I'm sure the car will last a while longer and I can finance a newer one when I start work again.

So I'm throwing some of my energy into really delving into the budget and paring way back. I already fired the cleaning people. Yes, I had cut them down to once every 4 weeks but was still clinging on to that little luxury. Next to go is the yard guy. Then there's switching the alarm monitoring service, figuring out cost cutting with my email service, and I'm sure many other things. And every single budget cut is going straight into my savings account so I don't have a chance to get used to having extra money and therefore don't try to spend it. I may as well start living like a student now, and then it won't be such a shock when I actually do it.

At least doing something constructive stops me dwelling on things. But really I have no time to dwell anyway, not if I'm going to cycle in LV as quickly as I have planned.

And lest you think I'm handling all this wonderfully well, I managed to break down and cry in front of my boss yesterday over some stupid work matter, so that was classy. Now he thinks I'm a lunatic, I'm sure.

Bye Bye Baby

8dp5dt

Well, I went out and bought other tests, just for you guys. Fat lot of good it did me though, because the line is gone. Gone, gone, gone. Bye bye my precious baby.

7dp5dt

More torture.  When I got home from work yesterday, the test I did in the morning had faded so much it was very obviously fainter than the previous day's test.  So I despaired again, until I realized that the horizontal line had faded right along with the test line, so I tried to tell myself it was a dye issue.  And I was somewhat successful in that.  I also repeated Gabby's comments to myself like a mantra (thanks Gabby!) that I could be going from a beta of 10 to 15 or something like that, and still be OK.  And those betas are pretty damn hard for tests to pick up so I shouldn't be surprised if it's hard to see any difference in color.

I just wish I was one of those blissfully ignorant women who see a line and are immediately planning the nursery.  But of course infertility has ruined all that for me.  For all of us, really. And besides, those blissfully ignorant women are usually testing after their periods are already late, so they get nice thick dark lines to start out.  I should stop comparing myself and wishing that I was somebody else.  This is who I am, fragile, battered and on many occasions, hopeless.   But beta day is Friday, so I will know by then.  This particular torture will be over, and it will be on to other tortures.

And I mustn't forget that after last cycle I promised myself that I wouldn't use HPTs, that I'd wait until beta.  And then I decided that if the faint tests I have are the only evidence of a chemical pregnancy, then I'd rather see them and mourn my pregnancy than be in ignorance.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone other than me, but I've had two documented chemicals and two other cycles where the HPTs also gave me faint positives that had already faded by beta time.  And as my clinic doesn't give a beta value below 5, I got negative betas and no indication of anything.  So were those two also chemical pregnancies or test malfunctions? I'll never know, of course, but if at the end of this process I never end up with a child, at least I can look back on potentially 4 chemical pregnancies and think of my plucky little embryos that tried hard.

OK, on to the tests.  Sorry I didn't explain them before.  These are +/- tests.  The control line is on the right, and the test is on the left.  If positive, it should show a nice "+" and if negative it should show a "-".  So the horizontal line is always there, and we're looking for a vertical line bisecting it to form the plus sign.   And I've taken the little test strips out of the cartridges because a) they dry quicker that way and b) they are easier to photograph.

The good news is that I'm getting identifiable lines quicker.  On Sunday it really didn't appear in the form of a line until about an hour after I peed on it - prior to that it was more a fuzzy accumulation of dye clustered around the place where the line would be.  Yesterday, I had an identifiable line within about 3 minutes.  Today it was within about 3 seconds.   So that's all good.  I just wish I had a nice dark line so that I could reassure myself.  I know, I know, always wanting what I can't have!

This is test 1 (Sunday, or 5dp5dt) at the top vs. test 3 (today, or 7dp5dt) at the bottom.  I think today's is darker!

6dp5dt

Just the same, really.  No darker test. In some lights yesterday's test looks marginally darker, in other lights today's test looks marginally darker. Back to despair.

The top test is yesterday's. the bottom one is today's.  This is probably the best shot that could be argued to show today's as darker, but it's really a marginal call.

Oh well.  Onwards, ever onwards.  I'll test again tomorrow, and beta is on Friday so I'll know for certain one way or another by the end of the week.

5dp5dt

Thank you, thank you, for keeping hope alive for me.  I think it started to wear off on me yesterday afternoon.

I had to nap yesterday because I was sleepy, and the boobs started to have the merest lightest little pains (that you'd absolutely ignore if you weren't obsessed).  So that was enough to rekindle the flame of hope a little.

Then overnight the boob pain increased, I had a few weird pains in my ovary region as I rolled over in bed, and I had the most vivid intense dream.  About a magical bus ride.  In my old college town.  Well, starting in my old college town but going up into the hills nearby.  And going through a town full of cheese displays (to which I said, ahh, this must be Wensleydale), and a decorated tunnel, and snow and bubbling streams, and a town full of hiking stores with all their backpacks displayed on the sidewalks, and a kitschy 50's style Elvis memorial, and lots of lovely houses that I thought I could live in once I move back there, and a lake with whipped up waves because of the wind (but even in the dream I remarked to myself how the waves didn't look real but looked like a pathetic special effect from Godzilla), and then a town with trees full of blinking lights which were V-shaped and may have been mechanical fake cicadas.  All for a fare of only 75p.  Sadly no sex, so there was no happy ending OMG-I-must-be-pregnant type of finish, although by the time we saw the twinkly lighted trees I was flirting with a nice Indian guy who was also on the bus.  Except he burned my finger accidentally with his cigarette. Perhaps it could have turned good if loud people hadn't gone past my window at 6.49am and woken me up.  Sigh.

Anyway, that's enough to keep me going with a little bit of hope for another few hours.  Bizarre dreams have to be a sign, right?

And if I'm owning up to things, I should say that I went out and bought HPTs yesterday, and tested this morning.  Of course it is negative, but that's not actually bumming me out as 10dpo is pretty damn early.  And if I squint and hold it justso under the light of a thousand suns, I can imagine where a line could possibly be.  So there's a part of me that thinks just maybe that is good enough for 10dpo and could possibly lead to something actually visible tomorrow.  No, you're not getting a photo, because it would be pure lily white and you'd all think I was nuts. Because of course after that dream I posted about none of you have already spotted the depths of my insanity, so therefore I must maintain the illusion.

ETA: OK, maybe a photo, as it dried a little darker once I took the case apart.  This is from 1.5 hrs after being peed on, so it's way outside the time limit.

4dp5dt

The despair is setting in, right on time.  Yesterday I was crampy.  I thought this was a great sign, and was very very hopeful that it was working.

Today I feel like a fool for thinking that.  Mostly because my boobs aren't doing anything different, and you know, the boobs never lie.  Why oh why do I do this to myself every single time at 9DPO or thereabouts?

Ridiculous.  

Positivity vs. Realism

Thank you for embryo-cheering and general stickety-stick vibes. Keep 'em coming, because they are sorely needed!

Quite strangely, I had my "chart review" yesterday with LV Clinic. Yes, I decided to sign up with them even though they may well be selling me the latest and greatest advertising fad. But they are saying that this new stim protocol could very well help me, and my old RE's tell me that different stim protocols don't have that much of an effect. So if LV Clinic is right, it could work, and if my old RE's are right, then the different stim protocol at least won't hurt anything. So I paid a fully-refundable deposit to secure my place in the March/April cycle, and they called while I was snoozing post-transfer on Tuesday to book a time to go over the medication protocol.

It is quite surreal trying to remain positive and think about my lovely little blastocyst, and you know, I really am hopeful that this time it could finally work. And yet having a consultation with an RE's office about the next cycle should this one not work. But I am a realist, and I do know that even a great-looking stat of 40% success means that more women fail than succeed. Oh, and LV Clinic knows all about the FET by the way, and have been super sweet and nice about wishing me luck and hoping that I don't need to go out to LV to cycle there. And we've arranged everything so I don't have to pay the cycle fee and sign up for real until after the beta for this cycle. But, they are realists too, so haven't questioned why I am signing up now. So, if it doesn't work I would be going straight on BCP on cycle day 1, and then starting lupron on March 7th. Which is not very far away at all really. Seems odd to just swing straight into a cycle, but why not? I am hoping that the fact that my hormones have been controlled since before Christmas might work in my favor, as if androgens are an issue of mine, then maybe this will have helped to limit them all through development of whatever eggs I am going to pop in March/April.

Anyway, that's what's up with me. Mostly I am feeling good and positive, but I am already hating people IRL who are telling me that I've got to remain positive when I even so much as hint that it might not work. So basically they're saying that my past failures are due to a lack of positive thinking and that anything less than full-on pollyanna-ish stars-in-my-eyes buying maternity clothes already super positive thinking is going to mean that this one won't work either. Well, bullshit to that. I think the fact that I'm still trying after all this time shows that I am a positive and hopeful person, and I bet each of those "friends" of mine would have given up long ago. I sincerely hope that I can prove them wrong this time so they can see that acknowledging that "it might not work" is not the absolutely worst thing I could say or do. And I sincerely hope that I can use the LV Clinic money for something much more rewarding and fun than yet another IVF cycle.

I had a transfer today!!

OMG, you guys, I had a transfer today!  I was unbelievably freakin' nervous because they never called to update me, so I had to try to convince myself that no news was good news.  It was hard, I tell ya.

But the lovely Stephanie drove me to the clinic, calming me down on the way and making me laugh.  It's good to have friends. :)  In fact, she's currently making me lunch so I'd better go soon.

The embryo survived though, people!  It looked beautiful, even if I do say so myself, and was a grade 3BB.  As it was a grade 3BB on freezing too, it didn't gain anything by being thawed early but obviously managed to catch up whatever grade it lost due to cell damage.

OK, off to eat, and then for a valium induced snooze!

Thaw day

Well, I didn't get my appointment time yesterday. They were supposed to leave a message on their patient voicemail system, and nada. So I made a couple of frantic phone calls saying that I need to schedule things, not to mention that I'm relying on a friend for a ride to the clinic and she needs to arrange her work schedule. And would they please effing call me back already.

I finally got a call back just now. At first the nurse seemed a bit incredulous that I hadn't got a message. And then later admitted that I was the third person today who's called saying they didn't get their instructions. Um, yeah. So clearly they need to fix the damn voicemail system then. Anyway, they want me there at 9.30am tomorrow, so I'm guessing that's for a 10.45 or 11am transfer time.

I asked when exactly they are starting the thaw, and she didn't know. But I'm assuming it's going to be some time this afternoon. I am all sorts of nervous, and my stomach is tied up in knots. I feel foolish that I have allowed myself to get hopeful and excited when this could so easily end in nothing today or tomorrow. But I suppose I have to try to keep the faith somehow.

ETA: 5.40pm. How late do embryologists work if they get to the office at 7.30-8am? No call yet, so is no news good news, or did they just forget me? Again. I suspect the latter.

T-2

OK, don't worry, you can come out of hiding now.  The happy mood has evaporated.  Well, I no longer hate the world, because of course I'm not on lupron any more.  But the extra estrogen has been fully metabolized so now I am back to normal and no more weird super cheeriness is going on.  Damn it.  They should bottle that stuff as a pick-me-up, they really should.

And of course I am starting to stress about the embryo not making it through the thaw.  I read of women thawing 4, 5 or even 6 to get one or two to transfer.  And I think of my one solitary little embryo and quail in fear for it.  I mean, most of the time I am thinking about it in a very binary fashion.  To me, it doesn't matter if the average thaw rate is 70% or 80% or 90%, because with only one to play with I'm either going to get 100% or 0%.  On/off.  Yes/no.  1/0.  I tell myself that if the embryo is good quality, it will make it.  And if it is bad quality, it isn't going to make it but wouldn't have resulted in a pregnancy anyway.  However, as usual, my heart and my head are not really coming to terms with this information in the same way.

It's not like I didn't go into this cycle with my eyes wide open.  I have known all along that there's a big chance of it not surviving.  I have tried to plan for it.  My head is being all very logical about the whole thing.  But I can't help myself getting excited and hopeful that if it does survive, this could be my best chance in a long time.  And because I have allowed myself to get excited and hopeful, the fall is going to be harder I think.  Which reminds me, I must get some alcohol in for Tuesday just so I can be ready.

Anyway, today I find out my appointment time for Tuesday, tomorrow afternoon is the big thaw, so it's the first opportunity for that dreaded call from the embryologist, closely followed by Tuesday morning when they take a look at it again.  I can feel the butterflies in my stomach start up already.

Happy happy joy joy

Dang, I have been in a good mood the last few days.

And I'm pretty certain that it's entirely due to the end of lupron and the extra estrogen I've been on. No wonder women were so unhappy when that study showed that hormone replacement therapy was dangerous. In fact, if it wasn't, I think I'd be urging everyone I know in peri menopause and later to get on some estrogen patches on the double. Or, should I say, on the quadruple, seeing as it's four patches a day that clearly does it for me.

ETA: Do you think we sweat more with more estrogen? It should be the other way around, right? I mean, hot flashes are cured by estrogen. But the last few days I have been thinking that my lovely natural deodorant that I recommended wasn't working for me any longer. I'll admit it, I was stanking by the end of the day. And now today, which has been pretty stressful and you would therefore think stinky, I'm still smelling sweet at 6pm. Well, if not sweet then at least I'm not Stinky McStinkypants. Or maybe it's the the lurve pheromones or something given off when your estrogen is high. Hmmm.

Happy fake ovulation day to me!

Break out the streamers and the party hats!!

No more lupron! 34 days of 10 units of pure "I hate the world" serum, and I am finally done. I did my last shot this morning and I am feeling pretty happy about that. I think that the four estrogen patches currently plastered all over my belly are also helping to overcome the hate-iness so I'm in quite a good mood today.

The bad news is that I start PIO tonight, and then have to do it twice a day for the next 4 days, but oh well, it's not as if my butt isn't well padded enough to deal with it.

Fone fun

Hehehe, I guess Local Clinic has realized just how complicated they made my instructions, as two different nurses have called me today asking if I have any questions about the instructions and whether they're clear or not. I have, I think, surprised them by just saying "yup, I'm fine, no questions - I'm a very good note taker, thanks". They seem somewhat incredulous that I can write out a long complicated list of which drug to take when without batting an eyelid, but I think they have forgotten the super fatness of my file and the fact that this is my seventh go-around at this sort of thing. You'd think they'd put a notation in the file telling them that if THEY have any questions, they should ask ME because I've probably been doing this stuff longer than they have.

I also had my "pre-op" call at which they asked all the usual pre-egg retrieval questions regarding anesthesia, my highest educational achievement, how I like to learn, whether I had any special religious or cultural needs, etc. I kid you not. I pointed out that whether or not I have a degree really has no bearing on a frozen embryo transfer, as they won't actually be doing any surgery on me. And nor should it have any bearing on the amount of anesthetic I receive or anything else to do with an actual egg retrieval. Which I. Am. Not. Doing. So it is just a complete waste of my time to ask me such questions.

At least this nurse laughed along with me at the ridiculousness of the questions, and said that they are required to ask them to keep up with the certification for their ambulatory surgery center, which apparently is what their IVF retrieval/transfer suite is rated as. I have had prior nurses take umbrage at me questioning why precisely they need to know what languages I speak other than English, as surely the point of the question is if I speak another language without also knowing English so that following directions would be difficult. Not whether I am competent at ordering lunch in Paris. I think if I have to go through this again I will throw Swahili in the mix, and ask for a Festivus rite to be performed over my uterus before we transfer any embryos back in there. You never know, that might be just the magic that is needed.

The ever moving transfer date

Well, well, well, my transfer date got moved AGAIN.

We started with Feb. 5th, then went to Feb. 7th, then the 14th and now...drumroll...the 12th. My estrogen was 207 today so they're ramping me up to 4 patches at once starting tonight and off we go. I do lupron up to Thursday morning, then on Thursday evening I start PIO and drop the patches back down to two at once. And I shall finally be done with the lupron! Hoorah. I have to do PIO twice a day up to transfer, and then switch to one PIO and one Crinone after transfer. Oh, and I start medrol and tetracycline on Thursday too. Then transfer on Tuesday.

And other more complicated instructions. In fact, I have several post-it notes filled with complicated notes, which are all compounded by switching lupron over from night time shots to morning shots, and by me only being on two patches right now instead of three as they thought. But instructions are boring, so blah blah blah to them.

Oh, and the other thing they told me today is that they're going to thaw the embryo on Monday night, to give it a bit of extra time to recover before the transfer time on Tuesday. So, internets, I have a favor to ask. Please could you beam lots of "survive the thaw" thoughts down to Florida on my behalf?

9.6

9.6mm was today's lining measurement. Not spectacular, but not bad at all really, especially as I haven't ramped up with the estrogen patches yet - I expect it'll get thicker as I do that. And thankfully better than last week. So, I'm hoping we will stick with the plan of Saturday being fake ovulation day, and the transfer on the 14th. But of course, I'll have to wait to hear from the nurse on my estrogen level and all that jazz.

Lupron public service announcement

So, having been a bit scientific and measured just how much is left in my old lupron bottle, I can tell you all that it is indeed overfilled by about 0.5ml. If you're reeeally really good with the needle, that means you can get 33 doses of 0.1ml or 10 units. But only if you're really good as that last 0.1ml was a bugger to get out, and sometimes during the last 10 days or so I was trying to only give myself a dose of 9.5 units or so in the hopes that the bottle would last, so I may have slightly underdosed on a few days. It'd be safer to count on 4 extra doses.

But anyway, now that I have a shiny new bottle I have switched over because, why not? Why not have shiny and new as opposed to old and dreggy? And, not that I'm counting or anything, but today is my 31st day on lupron. A whole frickin' month of pretty much hating the world. Ahh, the joys of infertility.

I have my ultrasound and bloodwork in the morning, so I'm hoping for good things and NO MORE DELAYS! Please, oh please!

Chewing the cud

I really shouldn't be loitering over my breakfast, posting, but here I am.  I have been ruminating on bitterness, anxiety and similar things.  I had a very disturbed night last night because I was dreaming anxiety dreams about work.  Well, technically it wasn't about work per se - I was on a spaceship and there were alarms going off and we'd crash landed, but we had to evacuate to safety.  But after a few go-arounds of forcing myself to wake up, going back to sleep and dreaming the same damn dream, it hit me that it was really about work.  I won't go into it here, but there's all sorts of crazy going on at work.  Mostly I just try to keep my head down but you can't help being sucked into the maelstrom of intrigue and speculation every now and then. 

Where was I?  Oh yes, in the moments when I was awake last night, trying not to dream the same dream again, I was ruminating over the FET/IVF anxiety and bitterness.  Specifically with the anxiety of trying to force Local Clinic to do the beta a day earlier than usual.  They do betas 12 days after transfer, which is utterly and ridiculously late.  I mean, it's not so bad with a 3 day transfer but it's just inhumane with a 5 day transfer.  And now with the transfer delay it is putting me in a squicky situation with regards to signing up for a fresh cycle at LV Clinic because the day I need to sign up on is now the day before my beta.  I mean, it doesn't really matter, as by 16DPO an HPT should damn well better be right, but I'd like to know for definite.  And I guess I could just postpone a month, but I get so worried about my declining egg quality that another month going by just seems like such a huge event that I don't want to even contemplate it.  Oh well, it's probably all academic, as the embryo probably won't survive the thaw and then I'll know the cycle outcome 12 days earlier.

Bitterness is something else I was ruminating on.  When I first went through this infertility nonsense, with the failed IVF and everything, I got bitter.  It was a white hot, sharp bitterness that seared my very soul every time I saw a baby or a pregnant woman, or heard of someone getting pregnant.  I hated it.  I am not naturally a bitter person or a pessimist (not that I'm naturally an optimist either, but that's probably a separate post).  I worked diligently at facing these bitter thoughts, of examining what was underneath them, at "getting over it".  And you know what?  I did.  I did "get over it".  I reached that mythical place of acceptance - not acceptance that it was never going to happen, you understand, but acceptance that this was my lot in life and that I would be strong enough to power through until I got what I wanted.  I was not a little smug in my secret heart of hearts.  I was evolved, I was healthy, I was the perfect Oprah vision of an infertile.

And then.  There were more IVF failures, the hepatitis C scare, more failures and chemical pregnancies.  And the growing realization that it probably never will happen.  That I'll probably never get what I want, even though I worked really hard at it.  And the bitterness slowly seeped back in.  But this time it is a smoldering, deep bitterness.  A bitterness at the very core of my soul.  A bitterness that pervades every moment of my life, every cell of my body.  A bitterness that is what's left from the burning embers of my hopes and dreams.  It's a different bitterness than I had before - this time I'm genuinely happy for other people if they get pregnant.  God, I wouldn't want them to go through this.  I'm happy that they are spared this particular brand of hell.  I don't even mind seeing babies or pregnant women so much, as they seem so far removed from me that it doesn't register as much as it used to.  I suppose I'm learning how to be a childless person, how to be the maiden aunt.  I look at childless people a lot more these days.  I notice them, I try to gauge if they carry a constant sadness around with them or if they are happy with their lot in life.  But the bitterness is there, and it's all about me, about me not getting what I wanted, about being denied, about being thwarted and stunted.  Oh, and I'm angry right along with the bitterness, I'm angry that my life has sunk to this, this desperate chase to have a child.  The money I have spent, the hours of anguish that I have wasted, the evenings I have stayed in nurturing my ovaries while my friends have gone out for cocktails and fun, the idiocy of McDonald's-eating meth-smoking* lazy ass morons getting to procreate while I sit in my organic, toxic free home waiting for a child to enlighten with trips to Europe, and reading of books, and gentle sweet accepting love.

I do try to accept that life is fundamentally unfair.  That I have plenty of good things that other people don't, and that just because I have been denied this one thing does not make my life crap.  But it's not shifting the bitterness or the anger.  I don't know if I even want to shift the bitterness, to be honest.  I'm trying to use it to propel my life in another direction, to view it as the defining time that will shape the second half of my life into something else.  Something better.  Something more tolerant and understanding of other peoples frailties and difficulties, and yes, their lazy ass moronic ways.  Something that can be about helping other people, and not just about a career and a nice house and exotic vacations and pretty children who go to the right college.  But damn, it is a painful transition to go through.

*Do you smoke meth?  Or do something else like snort it?  I am ignorant.

Le lupron est arrivée, part 2

I arrived home yesterday to a giant FedEx box with my lupron refill. Phew. Thank the lawd and all that. Though why they had to put it in a giant box, I'm not sure, as a small box would have done the trick just as well.

Two estrogen patches at a time seem to be doing the trick as far as holding my lining together. Phew. Thank the lawd and all that. It's now down to barely spotting, so that's reassuring. It's still annoying that I have to wait, but oh well, there's nothing I can do about it. Hopefully the next lining check will show plushy triple-layered goodness, ready and waiting for that perfectly thawed embryo.

So, things seem to be finally settling down on the FET front. However, also waiting for me when I got home was a bill from my old insurance company for my HSG. Which they billed me because, well, my policy was cancelled back in September and I had the HSG on January 2nd. Not unreasonable on their part, I think. But here's the kicker - I paid in full for the HSG as a "self-pay" patient because I know my insurance (new, old or otherwise) wouldn't pay for it. The hospital must have dug out my old insurance information from when I had my laparoscopy in 2005 and billed the insurance company. On top of me paying in full and all the paperwork being marked as "self-pay". Arseholes. So now a fight will no doubt ensue.

Playing tag

I've been tagged by Katedaphne. Actually she tagged me a while ago and I've been putting off answering because I can never think of things about me that might be interesting and which I have not posted before. However, today she has such an eloquent post about moving on (or trying to) from that genetic link that I felt the need to send people over there. So go on over! She's a great writer.

The Rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

OK, so, ummm.

1) I never did ballet as a child. I whined and whined to go to ballet classes, and when my mother finally relented and took me, I stared in through the window of the door at the class going on before mine, panicked and threw a tantrum to go home again. I was just too shy to try it out. Eventually I joined a gymnastics class and liked that just fine so I tried to convince myself that I liked gymnastics better and that ballet was for sissies, but was really secretly jealous.

2) I have started collecting coins. Sort of. My dad collected coins for my brother and I when we were kids, one proof set for every year since we were born. In honor of that I took the plunge last year and ordered a set of the new presidential dollar coins in the hope that maybe I'd have a kid to share them with. But I'm thinking of getting all the state quarters too just to have even if I am never successful with the whole pregnancy thing.

3) I don't like raisins or currants or sultanas (golden raisins). Never have, never will. Don't even try to get me to try one just in case my tastes have changed, as my grandpa does every year without fail. Ewww. And especially don't try to force fruit cake in my face.

4) I am such a geek that one of the high points of my life remains playing with one of the telescopes at Jodrell Bank while at college. It's such a fabulous name, Jodrell Bank, as immortalized in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: "The huge yellow somethings went unnoticed at Goonhilly, they passed over Cape Canaveral without a blip, Woomera and Jodrell Bank looked straight through them—which was a pity because it was exactly the sort of thing they'd been looking for all these years".

5) I love custard, and on bad news days am very glad that my local supermarket carries it for a bit of good old fashioned comfort eating. But I don't love the skin that forms if you leave it sitting out. Blech.

6) Allegedly I can't pronounce "sixth". I think I pronounce it perfectly well, but a certain friend of mine keeps making feeble "Return of the Sith" jokes every time I have to say it. I'm now developing a complex.

And here's where I break the rules of this game shamelessly. I'm not going to tag anyone else specifically, because most of you have been tagged before and some of the rest of you may be like me and be unable to think what to say. So, I'm tagging you if you want to play along, and if you don't, that's fine too.

Me and my drinking buddy

The damn nurse hasn't called back. Don't they think that two panicked phone calls from a patient in quick succession saying "wait, I didn't quite understand the instructions, what do I do?" and "I'm about to run out of lupron so need a new prescription, quick" count for a call back? I guess not. If they don't call by noon today they shall get another message and a large piece of my mind.

The bleeding may be lessening today. I think I might ask if they can see me on Saturday, not Tuesday, given that I'd already planned to go there on Saturday anyway. I just am getting depressed being on lupron this long, not to mention that bleeding depresses me too. Plus, it'd be nice to not have to delay a whole week, what with the potential fresh cycle in March to get organized.

But, just to do another gratuitous photo post, here is me and my drinking buddy from last night. OK, so perhaps only one of us was drinking wine. I just have to say, though, in the interests of vanity, that my nose is not quite as big as it appears here. It's the angle, dahlink.



ETA: I did call the nurse again at 10.30 because I decided not to wait any longer as it was annoying me. And she finally called back at noon. I got an unequivocal "no" on whether I could go in on Saturday and not delay a whole week, even though all of a sudden I am just down to spotting not bleeding. Gee, thanks. Thanks for caring. But at least she's calling in the lupron refill today. Gee, double thanks. However, she wouldn't even say whether they are aiming for a transfer on the 14th or not, because now it's all "well, we'll see how you're doing on Tuesday". So I still hate the world.

Effing hell

I am delayed again. They want me to stay on lupron and estrogen patches at the dose I'm currently on for another week and go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork on the 5th. Which means that transfer won't be until the 10th at the earliest, I suppose. Presumably later because I was supposed to ramp up the dosage in advance of Saturday's appointment as that was supposed to be the fake ovulation date. So if I am on a level dosage and not ramping up, does that mean that I only start ramping up after Tuesday so hence my transfer won't be until like the 14th or 15th.

And that's if the bleeding stops. What if it doesn't? What if it just continues?

Fuck it. I just want to cry. Not that a delay is that huge in the grand scheme of things, but I am trying to organize a fresh cycle out of town if this frozen cycle doesn't work. And every delay cuts into how easy that is going to be to arrange. And I have to rely on friends for a ride to the clinic, so every time I delay it means not only that I have to rearrange my days off but my lovely chauffeur has to rearrange her schedule too. If she's available on the new day of transfer, that is - probably not now, and where am I going to find someone else?

Not to mention that I'm about to run out of lupron and have to reorder and I don't even know if the doctor's office had called in two prescriptions or just one, and trying to get a hold of a nurse is a freakin' nightmare. And I have to order it from some stupid pharmacy connected with the insurance, and they are NOT easy to deal with. AND being on lupron for this length of time is seriously driving me crazy.

Fuck. I hate the world.

ETA - Just told my boss I was changing the day off that I'd asked for, assuming that I'd need the 14th instead of the 7th, and he made a big deal that I was asking for Valentine's Day. Imagine that - the single girl asking for Valentine's Day off, must have a secret lover that we need to find information about. Did I mention that I hate the world?

There shall be wine tonight.

Not so fluffy

Not so good news from this morning's ultrasound - my lining is at 7.5mm. And she measured it three times just to make sure. This is not terribly thrilling news, as I'm on cycle day 12. Normally by now I'd have a nice, 15mm trilaminar lining but today, yeah, not so much. So I guess the bleeding really has been damaging things. Sigh. I mean, I expected to have problems with this FET in the sense that the embryo may not survive the thaw. I expected that and have been steeling myself for that disappointment all along. But to have problems in this phase, and especially lining issues which I have never had before, has caught me by surprise, I have to say. I suppose there's a first time for everything. I just wish my body wasn't trying to give me the whole smorgasbord of infertility experiences, because I'd like to escape from this nonsense without going through some of the many fun things on offer, thanks.

So now we wait and see what my estrogen level was, and then see if they'll have me racing around the county trying to fill a prescription for something else to add in to the mix, or if I'll be filling up my entire torso with a bazillion estrogen patches. Or worse. I hope not worse. Can you even get cancelled from an FET?

Stuck pig

I don't know where the phrase "bleeding like a stuck pig" comes from, but it's certainly in my mind a lot at the moment. And with that said, the local clinic wants me in for bloodwork and ultrasound tomorrow just to see if something's going drastically wrong with the FET, or if something's just going a little bit wrong and they can give me more and/or different meds, or if everything is perfectly OK. Fun, fun, fun.

Gratuitous kitchen photo

People, I discovered the most amazing cleaning products this weekend.  I love them so much I actually want to clean!  You just have to go down to your local Whole Paycheck and sniff
this stuff and then try to tell me it's not the most insanely divine smelling cleaning product range in the world.  You won't be able to, I promise, because it is dee-vine.

And just to prove that I did actually clean, here's a photo showing off my shiny kitchen because I'm very proud of it.  Sadly it's not smell-o-vision, because damn, it smells good.

Second period

Is "second period" kind of like "second breakfast" beloved by the Hobbits in LOTR? I think probably not quite as much fun.

Yup, I am bleeding.  Started spotting yesterday at lunch and it kept building up.  I will call the nurse on Monday if it's still going on but I expect there's not much they can do about it so will tell me it's normal.  At least the good thing is that I've never had an issue with a thin lining so if I lose some hopefully it won't matter.  I just hope I don't lose it all.

Yay me

Remember how I had all those cholesterol problems last year? Personally I always thought it was from all the IVF meds.

At the end of July, I got my total cholesterol down to 190.  From a scary high of 264 in May that almost gave my doctor a heart attack, let alone me.  I tell ya, I'd have been straight on L.ipitor if it hadn't been for the whole "trying to get pregnant" thing.  Then I did an IVF cycle.  Next time I took it after the cycle it was 236, then 212, so my theory was holding out, but in a huge blow to scientific research around the world, it then bounced up again to 247 at the beginning of November, before my next cycle.  So I thought maybe it really wasn't the IVF cycles after all but was just bouncing around dependent on my diet.  My HDL cholesterol never got above 33, and several times was lower than the meter could register (25 is its minimum value).  If I'd been really dedicated to science I'd have measured it a lot more often on my handy dandy home meter but cheapness and laziness won out.  It would be interesting to measure it all through an IVF cycle though, just to see what happens.

Anyway, lately I've been trying to follow that infertility diet, you know, with the full fat milk.  Even though I'm good elsewhere, have oatmeal for breakfast, lots of almonds, am vegetarian, blah blah blah, I have cringed at the thought of what my cholesterol might be.  I meant to test it before starting estrogen patches for the FET but I was too much of a scaredy cat.

So this morning I decided to be a very brave girl and just see what it was before I start ramping up the patch dosages.

Total cholesterol = 164

HDL cholesterol = 42

I thankyouverymuch.  Hell yeah, am I fabulous or what?  OK, so the HDL is not as fabulous as it was before all this IVF nonsense (67 with a total cholesterol of 165), but at least it's above the level of 40 required for "good".  Yay me.  It definitely makes me less worried about possibly having insulin resistance, because I know that off-balance cholesterol readings and triglycerides are one indicator of IR.  Hey, maybe even the whole milk diet actually helped to bring the levels more into balance even though it's hardly a low fat diet?

Reassured

Last night's email from the RE reassured me on the protocol. He didn't say this, but it seems that most women get only 2-3 embryos because the women that get put on this protocol are essentially candidates for donor eggs. I think this is the protocol of last resort. Or one of them, at least. So most women going on it are poor responders to start with. He said it won't reduce the number of follicles, but will help the cohort to grow more evenly - which is exactly what I need. So if it's a cycle where I was going to get 14 eggs, I'd still get 14 eggs (hopefully). But hopefully more of them will be mature than on other cycles - which would be huge for me. I mean, it's kind of disappointing to have only 50% of the retrieved eggs being mature. I dream of having like 12 mature out of 14.

He also said that sometimes it is worth doing CGH with only 2 or 3 embryos, especially in a woman with a lot of IVF failures or miscarriages. It can be worth finding out the answers as to what is really going on. And they are finding that the CGH normal embryos DO survive the thaw. The theory is, if it's normal, it'll make it to blast and through freezing. If it doesn't make it, it wasn't normal to start with.

So, I think I may sign up for the study. I mean, it is cheaper for me to do the study than not do the study if I end up doing 2 cycles (and let's face it, that's more likely than not). So I just have to take the risk of transferring nothing and essentially being no worse off than transferring abnormal embryos and getting a BFN, but having answers as to exactly how chromosomally crap my embryos are. It's a bit of a mental leap, but there's something that makes me think I shouldn't pass up the chance to get this testing done for free.

ETA: No, wait, I changed my mind again. I'd rather put back all embryos than risk having nothing to transfer or damaging them. Argh. Why do I keep spinning around on this? Damn it, this FET better work because this is too hard to figure out.

ETA again: After the edit above, I shot an email off to Dr. F. asking whether I could back out of the study based on embryo numbers, and he just replied and said I could.  So we could agree that I would transfer all back if I have say 4 or fewer embryos, and do the CGH if I have 5 or more.  That makes me feel better and less worried about the whole thing, but I must admit I am having panicky feelings all of a sudden.  I mean, it's Las Vegas Clinic!  The reasons I hated them in the past are all still there.  The thought of deciding to do this is stressing me out.   Maybe I am not yet over my love affair with New York Clinic, although frankly doing the same exact protocol again is underwhelming to say the least.

A study in finances

I had the talk with the financial lady from Las Vegas Clinic yesterday. It was all very interesting, and basically I think it would make most financial sense to do a 2-cycle plan with the CGH as part of the study.

Of course, that brings up the whole issue of doing 2 more cycles, when it's hard to think about that. They'd be my 7th and 8th fresh cycles. That's a whole lot of crazy right there.

But I emailed a bunch of questions to Dr. F., and he responded in quite an unsatisfactory way. Essentially, however, he got me worrying about doing CGH at all, because on the protocol he's proposed the average woman gets 2-3 embryos. There doesn't seem to be any point in potentially damaging the embryos with a biopsy, taking them out to blast, freezing them (all of which could just kill off the embryos anyway), waiting for the CGH result and only transferring the normal one(s) when I can just shove 2-3 embryos back in and hope for the best. Hell, at this point, I can shove 5 or 6 back in and not worry about multiples.

So I have emailed yet more questions about the protocol and whether CGH really does seem like a good idea or not. I may end up opting out of the study. Not sure. I should have asked if I can start off in the study and opt out based on number of embryos, but I forgot, even though that was on top of my mental list of things to ask him. Duh. I guess he'll be getting another email, then.

Distraction

So, as part of the whole "my body is a fertile temple" thing I have been trying to switch to all natural skin care and body products. And laundry products. And cleaning products. You name it, I'm switching it.

With some things I have been more successful than others. For instance, natural cleansers and moisturizers are pretty easy. Fabric softener and dishwasher rinse aid too - to my mind they don't have much of a job to do, so it doesn't matter if the natural product doesn't function quite as well as the synthetic one. But deodorant was one of my last hold-outs so I have been poisoning myself with good old antiperspirant for a long time. Not that it probably makes a difference as far as getting pregnant, but I don't like to leave any stone unturned just in case. You never know, it could be the last little piece that makes a difference. OK, don't laugh. But if we really are being assaulted by all these toxins and radio waves and other unnatural things, maybe just reducing the amount will help our bodies get back into line again.

Now, sure, I tried some natural deodorants. But they left me stinking by the end of the day. Not to mention sticky and uncomfortable. And some of them had me stinking by the start of the day - they just had some weird compounds that didn't react so nicely with my skin chemistry. Awful stuff. But I finally found one that works reasonably well on me. Except it has a different smell than I am used to, even though it is a floral scent it has some other things mixed in that it can't quite hide, like lichen. It's not a bad smell at all. Just...different. So naturally my thoughts turned to perfume. I have not been a huge wearer of perfume, but want to step it up as I would like that extra security blanket of something that will go well with the deodorant and also provide a bit of help with the whole "smelling nice" thing.

Except of course now that I am (mostly) all natural, I figured it should be a natural perfume. So I started googling to see if I could find any. And, oh my. There is a whole world out there of perfumistas and fan sites and review sites. And niche perfume houses and cult fragrances. And yes, little tiny places making natural perfumes. All of that. And once I started reading about this stuff, I just couldn't stop. It's quite addicting, really. You read a review, and realize that your own thoughts of "that's nice" or "blech, too chemical-y" or "soapy" really don't even begin to scratch the surface. So I'd read a review and start getting interested in the synthetic fragrances too. I mean, these people are smelling things in perfumes that I just don't recognize. So I've been digging out old samples that I've got free over the years and comparing my impressions of them with the reviews. Uh, yeah. I'm still at "flowery" or "soapy" but whatever. I know which ones I like and which ones I don't.

But, I have to say, it's been a lovely distraction from all matters ovary-related. You can get quite obssessed researching this stuff. And I took the plunge at the weekend and ordered sample sizes of a bunch of perfumes from some fancy-schmancy retailers, and got an email that my first order was shipped yesterday. Squeeee! I am so giddy with excitement! Who knew you could even order samples? Not me, that's for sure. Of course it makes sense if you're buying perfumes from the internet but I'd never thought about it before. I am nervous too, I mean, some of them are really different from the mainstream perfumes and I'm not sure if I'll fall head over heels in love with the most expensive perfume evah (probably a yes on that one, knowing me), or if I'll put something on and be so repulsed by it that I want to vomit.

Vegas, baby!

Thanks for all your thoughts and views.  They really helped.

I was really struggling with this.  I mean, I have never been a fan of LV Clinic.  I have said bad things about them.  I never ever seriously considered going there.  Ever.  Ever ever ever.

But, I have to say first of all, that it's wonderful that there are choices for me at all.  That after all my failures, there are clinics out there who are willing to work with me and whose RE's aren't just hooting in derision when I talk about cycling again.  I mean, sure, all of them mentioned DE as an option, but just as an option and didn't say another word when I said I hadn't quite decided yet but thought I might want to do another cycle with my own eggs first.

So, once again, this decision came down to WWTCCLR?  Not what would Jesus do, but what would the crazy cat lady regret?  See, oftentimes I project myself into the future, and imagine myself at 80 - childless, still single, miserable and the crazy cat lady of the neighborhood.  I imagine myself sitting there and regretting the decisions in my life which led me to becoming the crazy cat lady.

And it came to me, as a sort of peaceful KNOWING.  I would always regret not trying a different stim protocol, whereas I would not regret not doing another cycle at NY Clinic because I have already given them two shots.  So there's my answer - Vegas, baby!

I found out more information about the stim protocol and it seems to be indicated for women who are worse off than me, in terms of FSH or embryo quality or age, and then I thought, hey, wait a minute, I think failing 6 fresh IVF cycles qualifies me as pretty badly off.  So if this is their protocol of last resort, so be it.  Bring it on.  I don't know yet if I'm going to sign up for the study or not, or if I'm going to sign up for their two cycle plan or not.  That'll depend on the financials.  And I'm going to ask if I can make the CGH decision during the cycle, based on the number of embryos I have - for example, do it if I have 6 or more embryos, don't do it if I have 5 or less.  

All this is of course only if the FET fails.  I'm not writing it off.  But I've got to have a backup plan in place to stop me from falling apart if the embryo doesn't survive the thaw.  So there we are.  I'm going to Vegas! Maybe.

Head. Spinning.

Well, well, well, I had my consultation with Big Snake Oil Immune Issues Clinic, who shall henceforth be known as Las Vegas Clinic because that other nickname is too damn long.

Well.

It was not what I expected.

I have always been wary of Las Vegas Clinic - in fact it is part of a chain - they have clinics all over the country.  I'm sure you know the one.  It was started by a controversial guy who does things his own way, is very much the show man and who pushes immune issues.  I am not a big believer in immune issues.  I mean, if the success rate for donor eggs is so high I think we can safely assume that none of those women had immune problems in the first place, but rather crappy eggs.  Sure, it has to be an issue for some people, but I tend to think that they are the ones with known problems like lupus or recurrent miscarriage or other such things.   Anyway, frankly I think they are pushing snake oil when they try to get people to do things like IVIg.

I would not have contacted them but for seeing that they are running various studies and as the financial resources are dwindling, the thought of getting an IVF for cheap was quite appealing.  I mean, if I am going to do another IVF with my own eggs, it might be nice to still have enough cash to do a donor egg cycle afterwards if it fails.  The RE, Dr. F., emailed me and said I might be a good candidate for their CGH study.  This is where they biopsy the embryos like with PGD but test all the chromosomes (PGD only tests some).  I have been worrying about this.  I mean, if I end up with only four fragile, crappy-looking embryos, might they all self-destruct if they are biopsied?  Even if one of them might have been normal?  And I had been saying that if an RE could tell me that all my eggs are abnormal, it might allow me to draw a line under this process and move to DE.  But surely the fact that none of my IVFs have worked leads one to the conclusion that all the eggs produced so far have all been abnormal.  Hence why they haven't worked.  So what is a test going to tell me that I don't already know?  In other words, I am my own assay.  We stick all the embryos back in and the good one sticks.  Or not.

So I was really just going through the motions when I went through with the consultation.  I was leaning heavily towards another cycle at Big Clinic.  Or perhaps they should now be called New York Clinic to lessen confusion somewhat.

But the RE was nothing like I expected.  He was very nice.  I liked him.  He had clearly gone through my file carefully and thought things through.  He did not mention immune issues once.  Not a once.  He first went through the final stages of follicular development, stating how the eggs are very responsive to the hormonal environment in the follicles.  He said how in the natural cycle the body picks one egg to ovulate, and that egg becomes responsive to estrogen in the final stages of development.  The rest of the eggs that had been developing along with it now respond to androgens that are also circulating, and die off.  He said how they believe that as we age, we are producing more androgens and also producing more LH too early.  That some of us (namely me) become over-sensitive to androgens and our follicles are reacting to the androgens by dying off or not developing appropriately.  That it is essential to avoid androgens.  And that he believes, by doing this, it may be possible to influence the quality of the eggs at the time of ovulation, because he believes that we can manipulate the hormonal environment enough that more of the eggs will develop properly.  As if they were the dominant follicle, and therefore will react to the estrogen and not go into apoptosis because they are instead reacting to the androgens.  He thinks this is why I have a dominant follicle problem - not because I'm producing FSH too early but because I'm producing LH too early and am too sensitive to the androgens.  That it's not that one follicle starts developing too soon, necessarily, but that the other follicles are going into death-mode too soon.

So he said he thought my issues were caused in part by the stimulation protocols that I've been on.  That I've been on too much LH too early.  That nobody's been controlling my androgen levels He said they had a new protocol that is being published in one of the fancy journals in February that he would like to try me on.  It involves BCP, preferably one like Yaz or Yasmin which has a good androgen-lowering effect (though he said all BCPs do it to some extent), then you start Lupron as if doing a long lupron cycle.  But they stop Lupron when you get your period and switch you over to antagonist on day 1.  Then they add estrogen and only after a few days on that do they add stimulation meds.  And they use FSH only to start with, and start adding small but increasing quantities of LH as you get closer to trigger day.  But much smaller quantities of LH than I've previously been on, and they use Luveris instead of Menopur.

Hmmm.

He didn't know if it was worth trying CGH either.  For all the reasons I had worried about it.  But he said I could try it if I wanted, and I could be in their study if I wanted.  But the study doesn't involve a cheaper cycle, but instead a very reduced cost second cycle if the first one doesn't work.  Which they kind of let you do anyway if you buy a two-cycle plan from them.  And CGH costs extra money so I am not sure that is worth considering at all.

I am going to speak to their financing lady on Wednesday to really crunch the numbers.  He said I could cycle at the end of March if the FET doesn't work.

Hmmm.

It was strange.  Here is an RE telling me about my exact problem.  That he has clearly thought about and has a protocol tailored for.  Previously it's always been me telling the RE's that I thought I had this problem, and steering them towards long lupron cycles because of it.  Here is a protocol designed for women like me.  Not a standard regular-old IVF protocol that they're using because they don't know what to do with me.

And he recommended I check out the fertility diet published recently in Newsweek - http://www.newsweek.com/id/73354 - sorry, haven't figured out how to link when posting from the Mac.  Because it helps with insulin resistance and blood sugar, and therefore androgens and all that jazz.  I liked that.  I liked that he suggested stuff I could do.  I liked that he was focussed on egg quality and not immune issues.  I quite like the thought of trying something different. 

So now I have a choice.  Switch to Las Vegas Clinic and try this other stimulation protocol in the hope of getting better eggs.  Or stay with New York Clinic and stick with the same old same old but hope that coculture and a better lab save the day.

Hmmm.  What would you do, internets?

Giant blood draw #427

I have lost count of how many giant blood draws I have had in this process, but hoo boy, was today ever another one!

Went to the blood draw place and gave them my scrip for the thrombophilia panel. It caused all sorts of muttering. The tech said she couldn't read the doctor's name from the faxed scrip, nor the address, and the doctor's name wasn't coming up in the system so she'd have to type it all in. So I had to stand there and spell everything out for her while she two-finger typed the exceedingly long name. Not for the first time was I annoyed at why Big Clinic can't just officially be called Big Clinic, but rather "Rich Guy Benefactor-Big Clinic College of Medicine, Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility". That's a lot of typing right there with only two fingers - and did I mention she had very long nails that slowed things down even more? Dr. S's name isn't exactly short, either. Then of course these weren't the normal tests, so she had to look everything up on the computer, which caused more muttering but at least by that point she sent me off to wait in one of the blood draw rooms. All of this took an age, by the way. I think I could have looked up a few blood tests a darn sight quicker, but whatever.

She finally came over to me and said "oh, you are going to have a LOT of blood drawn". Meh, I thought. How much can it be? There were only about 9 tests listed (OK, maybe 11), and I've had way worse done. So she started grabbing vials. And kept grabbing. And then grabbed some more. At which point there were at least 2 vials for every test and I said "gee, I guess you weren't lying about it being a big draw". God, I hope she pulled up the right tests and I don't have to have them all re-done.

So we did it, and at least she cheered up when she got into my superstar vein and it performed beautifully. And fast. Which made me wonder if I'd stopped the low dose aspirin early enough - I haven't taken it for the last two days in the hopes that it wouldn't skew the clotting tests, but maybe I should have stayed away for longer as my blood looked pretty free flowing coming out into the vials.

And then of course as I was driving to work I happened to look down to see a completely saturated gauze pad with blood oozing down my forearm, which is a tad disconcerting when you start worrying if you're going to expire from blood loss half way down the road, and crash. Luckily I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt so at least I didn't have to go home to change. And luckily too I have remnants from many previous blood tests stuffed into the ashtray of my car. Other people have cigarette butts, I have old used gauze pads. Yes, I know it was hardly sanitary, but I whipped out a few old cruddy gauzes and mopped up the best I could. Luckily three it clotted up and I didn't bleed out. Luckily four my employer provides breakfast on random Fridays, which is sometimes a few doughnuts but today was miraculously a nice spread with bagels, cream cheese and all sorts of other tasty items. So I stocked up and replenished myself.

In other blood letting news, AF has arrived too. I had acupuncture last night so told cutie acu to work some magic to get everything going, but not so much that we made a mess on the table. He said not to worry, he'd made that mistake once and has never done it again. Oh dear, that poor woman, whoever she was! And he did do his voodoo that he does do so well, and it worked within 3 hours. And thankfully not all over the table. So I think I will start patches tomorrow and have the FET transfer on Feb. 7th. I know I said FET would be Feb. 6th if AF started yesterday, but I'm going to lie and say it was spotting yesterday and day 1 today, because that makes life easier for various reasons.

Yet more waiting

I wasted an inordinately long amount of time at the RE's today waiting to get my ultrasound. They said they'd been having problems with the machine. Yeah, uh huh. Right. Just waste an hour and a half of my life in a freezing cold waiting room, why don't you? I kept feeling like I should stomp up to the reception desk and demand my dues as a ranking senior member to be snuck into the front of the line. I mean, come on, I'm pretty darn certain that I was their longest serving patient in the waiting room today so you'd think that would get me some special treatment from time to time. If I can't get pregnant it'd be nice to at least pull rank every now and then. OK, so all the staff know my name but that doesn't get me anything, does it?

But anyway, I have no cysts and everything looks good. Except for the little matter of no AF. No flow. No crimson tide. The painters are not in town. So now I wait and see what they tell me to do. I think they'll delay me starting the estrogen patches until things have got moving, which means delaying the FET transfer attempt.

ETA: Yup, delayed. Everything looks good except my lining is too thick because it hasn't started shedding yet. Well, duh. I could have told 'em that. So I will start patches the day after I get full flow. If I get full flow tonight, that means the FET is pushed to Feb. 6th, and if it comes tomorrow I am pushed to Feb. 7th and so on.

Waiting, waiting.

I'm just hanging out. Waiting for my ultrasound tomorrow. Waiting for the old hag to put in an appearance so my FET transfer won't be delayed. Waiting for my rescheduled consultation with the other RE.

The old hag has been on the verge of appearing for the last two days, but alas seems to be only teasing by sending cramps and odd feelings, rather than actually getting a move on and doing something useful. Whatever.

But I did speak to Dr. S's nurse, and got the scrip sent over for the bloodwork they'd like to do. I'm pretty certain I've done some of it before, but I just can't be arsed to go and check back to see what I did and didn't do so I'm just going to have them all run. Besides, that was what? Two years ago? 18 months ago? Who knows if some of these things change over time. Oh, not the genetic tests, obviously, but those are the ones that I think were never done before.

We shall be testing PT/PTT, Anticardiolipin Antibody, Homocysteine, Factor V Leiden, Protein S Functional, PAI-1 Ag Activity, Lupus Anticoagulant, Antithrombin III, Prothrombin Gene Mutation, Protein C Functional and the good old MTHFR Gene Mutation. I made an appointment at the local giant blood lab place for Friday morning, in the hopes that I can get it all done in one shot and won't have to go to some specialist place. And no, the appointment is not at the other (evil) giant blood lab place that gave me the false Hep C result - I am boycotting them. And thank goodness that I have new insurance, meaning that I am no longer forced to only use evil blood lab, because that place is just too damn depressing.

Not so much with the duelling, then.

One of the RE's went home sick, so that consultation has been rescheduled to Friday.

But I spoke with Dr. S. of Big Clinic, and he thinks it's very reasonable to try again with my own eggs. He said we got a good number of eggs, got good quality embryos and he would recommend doing the same protocol again. He said the reason we haven't succeeded up to now is likely to be chromosomal issues due to my "greater chronological experience", to steal a phrase from Julie. And if that is true, then we've no reason to change protocol as it's partly due to luck whether we get a chromosomally good one or not. The only thing he suggested was perhaps delaying trigger for an extra day to try to get more mature eggs, but then said that they make that decision based on E2 levels, number of follicles, etc, so it's hard to say whether even if we say now we'll push an extra day, it will actually happen. And the reason they trigger early is to have good quality eggs, and mine have been good quality, blah blah blah, so why push it just to get another egg or two of questionable quality? The other thing we discussed was running a more detailed thrombophilia blood panel than I've previously had done, which he is quite happy to do. In fact, he said we could run that while I'm preparing for the FET if I like, so we have the results ready to go should we need them. [Or presumably I could incorporate the results into my treatment should the FET miraculously succeed.] I asked about doing a lower dose of stims to try to go a bit slower but he didn't think that was worth trying.

He did say that he'd be honest with me if he thought it wasn't worth trying again. He says he has patients who get fewer and fewer eggs with each cycle, or with worse and worse quality, and with those women he does tell them it is time to stop and move on. But that I'm not in that situation and it's really up to me whether I want to try again.

I don't know what to think, really. I guess we wait to see what Friday brings.

Better

The swelling was a lot better yesterday. I just had puffy feet last night rather than painful sausages, although my fingers are a bit achy this morning even though I didn't notice them swelling yesterday. I think it was a combination of the BCP and dehydration, so hopefully it will continue to improve as I will continue to chug lots of water and the BCP hormones should continue to work their way out of my system. I'm not on any steriods yet, nor have I been taking any stim meds, so I don't think it is anything like that.

In other news, I have my 2 duelling RE phone consultations today, so I will report more either this evening or tomorrow.

Swelling

I am having side effects, people. And not just the usual "I hate the world" side effects.

I am swelling.

By the end of the day my feet and hands are swollen little balls of edema and they are quite bothersome. Well, OK, I exaggerate somewhat. Technically I suppose they are more sausage-like than ball-like. But they still hurt. And then in the morning I am feeling arthritic-y in my fingers and toes.

I'm not quite sure what this is from. I googled whether the aspirin could cause this, but that just told me that aspirin brings down swelling. I haven't done anything else new this cycle, although I suppose that it could be a cumulative effect, that perhaps somehow I've reached the amount of lupron that my body was prepared to take in over a lifetime and now it is complaining.

Oh well, I'm keeping an eye on it. I am trying to gulp down water in case my salt balance is off somehow. I'm trying to keep moving just in case the swelling is due to sloth or weight gain. I took my last BCP on Saturday night (thank the lawd!) so that's one less drug swilling about, and we'll see if that makes any difference. In the meantime, if any of you have any ideas, let me know. I don't think it's worth calling the RE about, although I am having an ultrasound on Thursday, so I'll probably mention it to the nurse then if it hasn't improved.

Bah humbug.

Die, yappy dogs, die, die, die

So, where was I? Oh yeah, saying I'd probably be perfectly pleasant to everybody.

There I was this morning, a tad hungover. What? You thought I wouldn't drink after my protestations of worrying about the slide into alcoholism? Umm. Yeah. Well, actually I haven't had any alcohol since then, and I have been almost saintly. Apart from a daily cappuccino and hot chocolate. Not bad huh? So, where was I? Yes, well, this girl from work who started over the summer and who I've been getting chummy with has been saying that she's got these friends that she thinks I'd really like and would get along well with, blah blah blah. And I've put her off a few times when she's asked me out for drinks to meet them, because I was cycling. But this time, I thought, screw it. I'm only on lupron, it's only an FET, and not drinking during cycles hasn't got me anywhere in the past. So I went out for happy hour. And I only had 2 glasses of wine, but they were quite generous glasses of wine so they made me a bit tipsy. But I had a blast. It was so good being out with nice, intelligent women, having fun, and not thinking about the usual crap that goes around my head.

And then I got some Chinese takeout and probably shouldn't have driven home as soon as I did. I should probably stick to beers or something because two beers is probably a lot more sensible when one has to drive home than two large glasses of wine. So, yet again, my apologies for that.

But, there I was this morning, trying to snooze and have some precious extra time in bed when the yappy dogs were yap, yap, yapping and not letting me sleep. So I grudgingly got up and put the kettle on for tea, noting that my nightshirt that was a gift from my parents about 10 years ago really should get trashed because I'm so fat now it rides up and barely covers anything, and also because there's a big old food stain on the front. And then someone knocked on the door. Great.

There were three very nice Haitian* ladies standing at the door, looking dressed for church. I figured they must be Jehovah's witnesses or something. I sucked in my gut hoping my nightshirt might cover a bit more of my upper thighs if I did so. The lady at the front said something that sounded like "ge-shur-shur". "Ah, sorry, what?" said I. "Ge-rar-shur?" said the nice churchy looking lady. This did not sound anything like "would you like to buy a copy of the Watchtower?" so it got me a bit confused. The yappy dogs were doing somersaults in their yard, and having a field day at People! On the street! People! Let's yap some more! OMG! People! My head started to hurt, and I thought longingly of the lovely tea I had been about to brew.

Churchy lady pointed at my house number. "Zees is one hundred twenty-see**? Ge-rar-ge-sur?" My brain clicked around seeking comprehension. She must be looking for 123 Greygoose Avenue, not 123 Greygoose Street*** which confuses everyone as they're parallel to one another. "Umm, this is Greygoose Street, Greygoose Avenue is one block that way" I said, pointing. She looked confused at how she could have managed to pick the house clearly containing the village idiot who couldn't understand anything. And then said quite clearly "Garage sale? Ze sign said 123. You have garage sale? Zees is 123, yes?" The other two ladies were nodding. They were all obviously very clear on what this sign had said, and started looking around the yard a bit, expectantly.

I don't know why my ears refuse to hear the obvious sometimes. But, in my defense I quite clearly don't have an actual garage, let alone any signs of a garage sale going on. Or a yard sale. Or any other type of sale. So it just was not computing there for a while that someone would imagine that I was hosting a secret garage sale in my living room while wearing my tatty old stained nightshirt and with the blinds closed.

"Umm, no, sorry I'm not having a garage sale. The sign must have meant another street if it said 123. Try Greygoose Avenue, which is one block that way. Sorry I can't help any more. Bye bye." And closed the door. And immediately ran into my bedroom to throw some clothes on in case hordes more people turned up for the garage sale that wasn't, noticing as I did so that my hair was sticking fetchingly straight up from my head. Great.

Why, universe, why? Why do you taunt me so when I am on lupron?





*information solely provided to aid the reader in imagining thick French-Caribbean accent.
**not my real house number.
***not my real street name, but perhaps more appropriate than the actual one, given the alcohol consumption.

Look away. Nothing to see here.

God, my life is boring right now.

It is so boring in fact that I had some spotting this morning and thought: "Ooh, spotting! I can blog about that."

How lame is that? No, no, don't answer - that's a rhetorical question. I am well aware of precisely how lame it is. I could instead bore you with my work woes or my immigration woes, but honestly they're so boring to anyone not intimately involved in the situations, that even I would probably fall into a coma while typing.

But anyway, an update on the boring FET for all those who desire it. 3 more days of BCP and then I stop. And then I have an ultrasound a week from today to see if everything is acting appropriately, and assuming I've had a real bleed by then, I will start estrogen patches to cushy everything up.

I have turned into a little bit of a Crabby McCrabbypants from the combined and delightful influences of lupron and BCP. But not horrendously so. I think this is more akin to my normal worst day of PMS rather than me turning into psycho bitch from hell, that delightful lady that has appeared on cycles past. Of course, I still have up to a week to go before I get relief, so I could still turn into psycho bitch from hell at any moment. But you should be fairly safe as long as you're not an idiot, or my neighbor with the yappy dogs, or a really slow driver that is blocking my way. Really, if you're none of those people, I shall probably be perfectly pleasant.

Duelling RE's

De ne ner ner ner ner ner ner neow.

That was supposed to be "duelling banjos" there. If you recognized it, I'll be amazed.

Hey! Internets! I have news! So, I got the forms from Immune Issues Clinic to set up a consultation on this study, I filled them in last night and scanned and emailed them off this morning. And the scheduler called back and has set me up a (free) telephone consultation for the 15th with Dr. F.

Right after my consultation with Dr. S. of Big Clinic. He he he.

De ne ner ner ner ner ner ner neow.

Duelling RE's!

Honestly, I would not have investigated this further if Dr. S. had been quicker on the uptake with my post-IVF WTF consultation. Or if it hadn't been rescheduled from the date that it was originally set for. Because then I'd be more mentally set into the idea of doing one more cycle with Big Clinic.

But now I'm kind of enthused by the idea of this study. Of course, I know very few details about it so far but cheap is goood. Testing is good. Different is good. Finally getting some answers on my eggs is good. Getting two RE's opinions on the same day is good. Choices are good.

S'all good.

Response from immune issues clinic

Just when I had given up on hearing from the Immune Issues clinic on my information request about that IVF study I mentioned, I got the following email today:

You may actually be a better candidate for our CGH study, which is just getting started.

I can review all of this when we speak to review your case together.

I’ll have #### set up atime.

Hmmmm.

Le lupron est arrivee

I started lupron last night. It was fairly anticlimactic. Wait, that would imply that I was expecting something, er...climactic in the first place. For the record, I wasn't.

For those first few IVFs, the first shot was always eagerly anticipated. I counted down the days, I made calendar entries and alarm prompts so I wouldn't forget them. I kept thinking "this time next week, I'll have started" or whatever. There was always a build up of hope, of anticipation, a thought that this cycle could finally work and I'd get pregnant.

This time is very different. I feel like I am just going through the motions, and that there's no real actual hope of it working. Part of this is of course because I am so beaten down by failure. But I think part of it also is because I am putting up defenses and reminding myself at every turn that the embryo could very well not survive the thaw, and then we have to skid to a halt right there and then. Perhaps if it does survive, then I will start getting excited. Well, OK, I will start getting very excited. This could very well be my last big hope with my own eggs.

The embryo is from my second IVF cycle, or, depending on how we are counting, my first. The first IVF that made it to retrieval and transfer, and wasn't cancelled for a poor response. I count it as my second though, because once you've been through all the IVF build up, all the meds, all the ultrasounds, all the pre-op stuff and been cancelled basically on trigger day, it's a whole different ball game from any other IUI cycle. So anyway, on my second cycle after a protocol tweak, I ended up with 7 embryos. We did a day 3 transfer, and put back one 8-celled grade 2 embryo, one 7-celled grade 2 and one 6-celled grade 2. I was told these were my best embryos, and that was that. What they didn't tell me until later was that I did actually have two grade 1 embryos on day 3 (grade 1 being the best, and relating to the amount of cell fragmentation, even development, etc). The problem was that my grade 1 embryos were 4 and 5 celled so they were slower developers than they should have been. When they took them out to 5 days, and I think somewhat to the clinic's surprise, they had caught up to the proper schedule, and the 5 celled embryo became a grade 3BB blastocyst, and the 4 celled embryo became a grade 3CC blastocyst. In this case, the grade 3 means it's an average blastocyst - an expanded blastocyst would be a 4, a hatching blastocyst would be a 5, and a morula would be a 2. So, really, a 3 is right on schedule, and 4's and 5's are over achievers. The letters relate to the size and condition of both the inner cell mass (which eventually becomes the fetus) and the outer cell mass? layer? - something or other. So a 5AA blastocyst would be the best, but a 4AA and a 3AA are just fine too. My local clinic only freezes grade 3BB blastocysts and above, so they only froze one of them and sadly discarded the 3CC. The two other remaining embryos had apparently given up the ghost by that point and stopped developing on their own. 3BB ain't bad at all, though, in my opinion. It ain't bad at all. And if I'd been doing a fresh blastocyst transfer, the 3CC would have been good enough to transfer so you never know. It could have been just fine too.

We didn't use the frozen embryo up straight away, because the RE thought that it wasn't worth doing an FET with only one embryo, given that it might not survive. So he suggested going to another fresh cycle, hoping we'd get at least one more frozen embryo and then have 2 or 3 to work with when it came time for the FET (for the sibling, you understand). Of course, that didn't happen and it's been a long hard road since then. But the delay does mean that IF it survives the thaw, it could be my best chance because (a) it'll be my only blastocyst transfer, (b) I know it was a grade 1 on day 3 and thus hopefully the quality is good, and (c) more importantly, this is from a cycle done when I was 37 years and 6 months old. Which is huge in terms of ovarian aging - it's nearly two years ago. So there's much more of a chance that this little embryo is chromosomally normal than anything I can produce today.

For the moment, however, yeah, lupron. Blah. Terribly dull. Oh, another cycle? Well, of course we must tell ourselves for the next month that it might not happen. We must under no circumstances get excited. We must just go through the motions. Again.

Burble burble

Not much going on with me.

The HSG went well - it hurt a bit, but not as bad as last time. The RE pronounced me "perfect" with wide open tubes. Not that being perfect is all that helpful, seeing as my eggs are crap, but whatever, it's good. I spent most of the day oozing gunge, but yesterday was down to practically nothing.

The lupron should arrive today, and I will begin shots tomorrow.

That's it, really. Work is completely nuts but at least it's keeping me busy. Just so long as I don't have a nervous breakdown before the FET transfer, I'll be OK. Staying sane could be a long shot, but hey, I'm strong.

A flip of a coin

Have you ever made an important decision by flipping a coin? I mean, a really important decision? Not just what to have for dinner, but something that will affect the rest of your life.

I have.

When I get to that point where I have agonized over a decision for days, weeks, even months, when I just can't sort out the list of pros and cons, when I can't decide which way to go, I have in the past occasionally flipped a coin.

Not that I necessarily followed what the coin told me to do. But it's very very revealing when that heads or tails comes up and you find out what your gut reaction to the decision is. Sometimes you say "oh yay!" and sometimes you say "oh. [sigh] Maybe 2 out of 3?" And then in that moment you know what your heart and your gut are really feeling about the decision, and you go with what you really wanted to do but were too afraid to commit to.

So thank you all for your comments on what I should do next. I found reading them to be very enlightening, and the equivalent of a mental coin toss, because to some of the comments I was "oh yay!"ing and to some of them I was "oh. [sigh]"ing. Which tells me a LOT about what I am really feeling inside but haven't fully articulated. And, yet again, the priority list has changed. One thing has moved down, and one thing has moved up. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me with my decision making.

Now, part of the decision still rests with my post-IVF WTF consultation with Big Clinic that I still haven't had. It's set for the 15th of this month, which seems an age away. And part of it rests with whether Big Snake Oil Immune clinic says I qualify for their study. But assuming Dr. S says it is worth trying again with my own eggs, and assuming I don't qualify for the study, here's the current plan.

1. FET
2. Another cycle at Big Clinic with my own eggs.
3. Donor eggs in S. Africa or somewhere.

I had in fact already emailed the S. African donor agency about getting on their list, and they responded this morning. So I got to see photos and short profiles of their donors while I was having my breakfast. And one of them actually looks kinda like me and is exactly the same height as me. I responded to the agency saying "well, I'm still a bit undecided as to whether I'll do another cycle with my own eggs, but thanks so much for responding. Actually "XYZ" resembles me, so that gives me confidence that I can actually do this and it definitely helped being able to see photos so early in the process." Or words to that effect. And wouldn't you know, they already responded with XYZ's full profile. Gulp! And I think I could actually use her. I think it might be a step I could take. Pretty huge, no?

In other news, I have my HSG at lunch time, which I'm not looking forward to. Please hope for no pain and no polyps for me!

The choices for the new year

Well, here we are, 2008 is upon us. I am heartsick that I am not pregnant. 2008 is the year I turn 40 and I always imagined that I would have my family by now. OK, truthfully I imagined that I would immediately become pregnant when I started TTC'ing at 36, have my second baby at 38 and then miraculously meet a man at age 40 and have my third baby (with my new husband) at 41 or 42. This, you understand, being plan B, as of course I was going to get married at 32 and have babies the old fashioned way before I moved on to thinking about doing it on my own.

Ha ha ha. The joke's on me. Instead of life being anything like I planned and hoped for, I have plumbed the depths of misery that I didn't even know existed. The last few years have been truly awful. I never imagined just how bad it would feel to try and try for something you desperately want and to fail and fail and fail again.

I feel all kinds of left behind-edness and bitterness. People I started trying to conceive with have their second child, or are pregnant with their second child, or are trying for their second. Or have completed their families all at once with twins or more. Others have been through the mill and now are finally pregnant with their first. And then there's those of us who are left behind. Kind of like the non-believers after the rapture, I suppose. Oh wait, I'm going to be one of those too, so maybe there's a trend here.

But anyway, 2008 has to be the last year for trying with my own eggs. I know I said that about 2007. I know. But it is just too painful to completely stop now. Never fear, those of you that wish I would move to donor eggs already, it is coming closer. I am getting more and more mentally ready. I am getting to the impatient stage of seeing women have success with DE and wishing I could just get with the program already. I am, in a way, jealous of them which I never used to be. DE is almost close enough for me to see the whites of its eyes. However, there are choices to be made before then, and I would appreciate views on what to do.

Of course, I am doing the frozen embryo transfer first. And there's a chance it could work. And I would be absolutely overjoyed if it did. But let's be realistic here, I need to plan what to do next in the event that it doesn't work. So my choices are:

1. Move straight to donor egg. I could do a cycle in the Czech Republic or South Africa for half the price of doing a cycle locally. Pro with DE is that I have more control over whether my eventual child looks like me or not. I could also theoretically still maintain a genetic link by having my brother donate the other half of the equation for me - although that is weird and squicky so I may not do that. One of the cons though is that international travel is a tad difficult for me at the moment due to my immigration status. I can do it but I need time for government agencies to grind some paperwork out.

2. Move straight to a donor embryo program. Donor embryos are very hard to get a hold of, and the chances are that my child would look nothing like me. It could take a year or two to come up to the top of the waiting list, unless I arranged a private donation somehow. Pro is that it's way cheaper than DE, con is that it's less likely to work than DE (unless the embryos I get are already from DE) and everyone would probably ask questions if I ended up with a blonde haired, blue-eyed kid.

3. Do another cycle at Big Clinic with my own eggs. This is very appealing, partly because I feel that Big Clinic got me close with the chemical pregnancies, and it would put off the decision on moving to DE. I know the clinic and how things operate there. I would probably be able to cycle quickly, as there'd be no new patient intake malarkey. Apart from the money and time, it would be easy, but then again I should get my tax refund before cycling so that would help with the money aspect. But how big of an expectation should I really have that it could finally work? And then afterwards I am still faced with the choice of DE or ED or adoption or whatever if it doesn't work.

4. Do another cycle with my own eggs at a different clinic. There are various choices - Big Commercial Clinic in the snowy mountainous area of the country, Big Snake Oil Immune Issues Clinic in the desert area, and Mini Stim Clinic in the same city as Big Clinic, among others. Big Commercial Clinic may or may not take me on due to my prior failures. I have always poo-pooed Big Snake Oil Immune Clinic, but they have an interesting study underway that might allow me to do an IVF for cheap. Although I could very well not qualify - I have sent them an email asking if there's any hope of getting in. The study involves PGD-like testing, which would at least give me an idea if my eggs/embryos really are all abnormal or not. And I'm sure they would recommend some more esoteric immune testing, so that would always be a lark. However, if I don't qualify for the study, I'm not sure how keen I am to change RE's yet again. Mini Stim Clinic has a following, and uses Clomid to do IVF for oldies like me on the basis that the egg quality is better if you use fewer stim drugs. But you really need to plan on doing multiple cycles, which is offputting, and I've probably had too much Clomid in my lifetime to be able to do too many.

5. Adopt domestically. Uh, really not feeling this one at the moment, although it was previously top of the list. I don't really think I have the energy. At least, not this year. Maybe next year.

6. None of the above. Quit trying to conceive, quit my shite ass job, go to acupuncture school and maybe move back to England. Adopt a Vietnamese baby if allowed in a few years.

7. Uh, ideas from the floor?

It's fairly obvious to me where my heart is heading, given that one of the options above is written up all positively and the rest are not. But oh Blogosphere what do you really think?

Addictive personality

You know how I posted that after my Christmas break I would become saintly again? Yeah, not so much. I tried. I really did. And I managed to keep off the coffee for a whole morning and off the chocolate a few hours more than that. But it's been really stressful at work, I have had a bad few days for various reasons and I'm lame.

But the alcohol I have managed to stay off. Just. It has actually been a real struggle, and yesterday afternoon I was talking with a work buddy saying how the only thing getting me through the day was the thought that I could shortly have some red wine. I wanted it. I needed it. It was calling to me. Basically I'd gone 2 days without alcohol since Christmas day and I was in serious withdrawal pangs. He was a bit surprised because he didn't think I drank that much. Well, I don't - when cycling. When recovering from a negative result I have a big tendency to hit the bottle. So much that I worry myself. I haven't posted much about it here because after the "whole bottle in a single night" evening I managed to cut back enough to be able to function during the day. But I've had enough to get fairly sozzled every night and to need real, full blooded caffeinated coffee to make it all the way to lunchtime. I can't just have one glass if I'm on my own. I'm the same way with chocolate and sugar in general. Either I'm going at it, unable to stop myself, or I don't have any at all. It was the same way with, uh, mary jane. Not that I inhaled. Ahem. Haven't had any in well over a decade and don't want any, but when I was partaking, I had a lot. All signs of an addictive personality if you ask me. Am I an alcoholic or a chocoholic though? It's hard to say. I can literally go months without either. If I'm not having any, I don't want any. Well, perhaps I should rephrase that. I don't need any. And I can stop myself when I want, a lot of the time. If I go out to dinner with someone who I don't think will approve of me drinking much, I can limit myself to one glass of wine. Can't do that on my own though. I also limit myself if I'm out and have to drive home. Drunk driving is so not what I want to be doing. But both of those - limiting myself because of others or because of the need to get safely home without killing anyone or being arrested don't come without an internal struggle.

So, sadly, and with much mumbling and grumbling I decided yesterday that red wine really shouldn't be on the cards for the evening. Not when I had spent half the day desperately wanting some and counting down the hours. Not when I was worrying about sliding into alcoholism. So I didn't. I will allow myself a couple of glasses on New Year's Eve and that will be that. Done. No more until there's either another negative beta or a kid in my life. No more coffee or chocolate either. Sigh. Why oh why can't I be one of those people that can do things in moderation?