T-2

OK, don't worry, you can come out of hiding now.  The happy mood has evaporated.  Well, I no longer hate the world, because of course I'm not on lupron any more.  But the extra estrogen has been fully metabolized so now I am back to normal and no more weird super cheeriness is going on.  Damn it.  They should bottle that stuff as a pick-me-up, they really should.

And of course I am starting to stress about the embryo not making it through the thaw.  I read of women thawing 4, 5 or even 6 to get one or two to transfer.  And I think of my one solitary little embryo and quail in fear for it.  I mean, most of the time I am thinking about it in a very binary fashion.  To me, it doesn't matter if the average thaw rate is 70% or 80% or 90%, because with only one to play with I'm either going to get 100% or 0%.  On/off.  Yes/no.  1/0.  I tell myself that if the embryo is good quality, it will make it.  And if it is bad quality, it isn't going to make it but wouldn't have resulted in a pregnancy anyway.  However, as usual, my heart and my head are not really coming to terms with this information in the same way.

It's not like I didn't go into this cycle with my eyes wide open.  I have known all along that there's a big chance of it not surviving.  I have tried to plan for it.  My head is being all very logical about the whole thing.  But I can't help myself getting excited and hopeful that if it does survive, this could be my best chance in a long time.  And because I have allowed myself to get excited and hopeful, the fall is going to be harder I think.  Which reminds me, I must get some alcohol in for Tuesday just so I can be ready.

Anyway, today I find out my appointment time for Tuesday, tomorrow afternoon is the big thaw, so it's the first opportunity for that dreaded call from the embryologist, closely followed by Tuesday morning when they take a look at it again.  I can feel the butterflies in my stomach start up already.