Wednesday, January 02, 2008

A flip of a coin

Have you ever made an important decision by flipping a coin? I mean, a really important decision? Not just what to have for dinner, but something that will affect the rest of your life.

I have.

When I get to that point where I have agonized over a decision for days, weeks, even months, when I just can't sort out the list of pros and cons, when I can't decide which way to go, I have in the past occasionally flipped a coin.

Not that I necessarily followed what the coin told me to do. But it's very very revealing when that heads or tails comes up and you find out what your gut reaction to the decision is. Sometimes you say "oh yay!" and sometimes you say "oh. [sigh] Maybe 2 out of 3?" And then in that moment you know what your heart and your gut are really feeling about the decision, and you go with what you really wanted to do but were too afraid to commit to.

So thank you all for your comments on what I should do next. I found reading them to be very enlightening, and the equivalent of a mental coin toss, because to some of the comments I was "oh yay!"ing and to some of them I was "oh. [sigh]"ing. Which tells me a LOT about what I am really feeling inside but haven't fully articulated. And, yet again, the priority list has changed. One thing has moved down, and one thing has moved up. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me with my decision making.

Now, part of the decision still rests with my post-IVF WTF consultation with Big Clinic that I still haven't had. It's set for the 15th of this month, which seems an age away. And part of it rests with whether Big Snake Oil Immune clinic says I qualify for their study. But assuming Dr. S says it is worth trying again with my own eggs, and assuming I don't qualify for the study, here's the current plan.

1. FET
2. Another cycle at Big Clinic with my own eggs.
3. Donor eggs in S. Africa or somewhere.

I had in fact already emailed the S. African donor agency about getting on their list, and they responded this morning. So I got to see photos and short profiles of their donors while I was having my breakfast. And one of them actually looks kinda like me and is exactly the same height as me. I responded to the agency saying "well, I'm still a bit undecided as to whether I'll do another cycle with my own eggs, but thanks so much for responding. Actually "XYZ" resembles me, so that gives me confidence that I can actually do this and it definitely helped being able to see photos so early in the process." Or words to that effect. And wouldn't you know, they already responded with XYZ's full profile. Gulp! And I think I could actually use her. I think it might be a step I could take. Pretty huge, no?

In other news, I have my HSG at lunch time, which I'm not looking forward to. Please hope for no pain and no polyps for me!


bleu said...

Congrats on the mental coin toss. I tried 3 times to respond but all I would have said was come here and use my clinic which was silly of course. I did think about suggesting India, however.

ANyhow, it is amazing to hear some hope creep back in for you even with DE.

We will both also be FET buds although I am a bit before you this time.

Yodasmistress said...

Big scary decisions. Good luck to you!

steinbockfrau said...

HSG at lunch? ouch, lady! Sending you shitloads of NO pain & NO polyps juju.

Your coin toss point is so true.

& the 15th is ages away. What the hell?!?!?! I am very optimistic that they will want you to cycle with them again.

Thinking of you RIGHT now as you get ready for your lunch date. ugh.


RJ said...

Sarah--Oh how I remember the hope that and HSG would clear the way for a BFP. . .

I am impressed with your decision making skills!!! Sounds like a very sound 1,2,3 plan!!

If you have the $$ and the ~energy~, then I would stick with BCC. Perhaps your WTF on the 15th will have some further insights?

Otherwise, looking into your donor options seems like a good thing to explore. I know of someone who moved very quickly (and successfully) with a donor embryo program in New Jersey, where the coordinator did take physical characteristics into consideration. Most clinics do not seem to be so available, however.

As far as DE in general, you will get there, or not. And, as others have said, you will know when and if you are ready. Genetics is a crap shoot. I started out looking for someone who resembled me, but due to many obstacles, loosened my requirements. It is a complicated, murky, amazing option. . .

Hope is a weird thing, no?

Kami said...

I have done the coin toss for the same reasons you mentions. Brad and I even did "rock, paper, scissors" to decide how many embryos to transfer once.

I hope you get some good info that will help you feel good about your plans.

June Bug Momma said...