Thursday, February 21, 2008

No testing today

Thank you all for your kind words, but I know there's no hope for this cycle. I really felt pregnant up to Tuesday. And then Tuesday afternoon it started sliding away from me. And yesterday, during the day, I felt completely and utterly normal. Now, that could all be psychosomatic, I know, but I believe that I know what is going on. No more dizziness, no more fatigue, no more heartburn. No more anything. Something happened on Tuesday I think, and no more baby. Don't worry, I'm still jabbing 1.5" needles into my arse every day, and will continue until tomorrow when I get the beta result. I'm not doing anything rash. I just no longer feel that it's doing anything other than prolonging the inevitable. I'm not going to test again before the beta, though, as it just seems like a waste of money.

I was having a bit of a freak out yesterday, and at one point decided that I must stop TTC'ing now, this second, and absolutely not go and cycle in Las Vegas. Because, what's the point? Clearly my eggs are crap. And it will never work. And it's a whole lot of money just to blow up my vajayjay for nothing. But a work buddy talked me around. Strange, really, as she's also always the one telling me to be careful what I wish for and how babies are such hard work. But she knows that I'll regret it if I don't try it.

Part of my freakout was about money. You see, I want to remodel my house if I get pregnant, seeing as there's no actual bathtub in the house, and I have to go outside to use the laundry room. I always thought this would be a pain if I had a kid. Not to mention that I don't have a private bathroom so it'd be very nice to add one on to the house for many reasons. So I was freaking out about spending $20k+ on two cycles in Vegas, and then house remodeling money, and then quitting my job to go to acupuncture school + daycare. It cannot all be done. And with the housing market the way it is, I was worrying that I'd never be able to sell my house to move somewhere smaller and cheaper, and therefore couldn't free up the equity in it to help pay for everything. But, giving it some serious thought, I don't have to remodel the house. A baby can be bathed in the sink, and yes, it's a pain to go outside to do laundry in the rain, but a baby monitor would extend to the laundry room so it wouldn't be impossible to deal with. Babies can also go to in-home daycare which is cheaper than daycare centers. I also have to convince myself not to worry about what may never happen - if TTC'ing doesn't work, then financially going back to school is a lot easier to deal with. I can save like a crazy person between now and giving up work so that I have more of a cushion to work with when going to school. And I looked into a home equity line of credit, and my mortgage provider lets you just pay interest only for the first 10 years so I can easily do that too. Plus, student loans have to be available somewhere. I have also been putting money into a "new car" fund as mine's getting on a bit, but that can go into the college fund too - I'm sure the car will last a while longer and I can finance a newer one when I start work again.

So I'm throwing some of my energy into really delving into the budget and paring way back. I already fired the cleaning people. Yes, I had cut them down to once every 4 weeks but was still clinging on to that little luxury. Next to go is the yard guy. Then there's switching the alarm monitoring service, figuring out cost cutting with my email service, and I'm sure many other things. And every single budget cut is going straight into my savings account so I don't have a chance to get used to having extra money and therefore don't try to spend it. I may as well start living like a student now, and then it won't be such a shock when I actually do it.

At least doing something constructive stops me dwelling on things. But really I have no time to dwell anyway, not if I'm going to cycle in LV as quickly as I have planned.

And lest you think I'm handling all this wonderfully well, I managed to break down and cry in front of my boss yesterday over some stupid work matter, so that was classy. Now he thinks I'm a lunatic, I'm sure.


bleu said...

Much much love to you. I admire your spirit so much.

Heather said...

Someone I know, although they do have a bathtub, was afraid to put their child in it. So, they bathed the baby in the sink for a long time. Eventually, the mother just took a shower in the morning with the baby. She found it a good way for her to actually get a shower herself and she thought it saved time.

calliope said...

thinking about you non stop. I am very glad the work friend was able to talk you away from the ledge.

sending love. gobs of it.

Jess said...

I'm so sorry. But also so hopeful for your next try.

I hear you about having the boss think you are a lunatic (which of course you are not). I've exploded into tears in front of my boss too...

I'll be sending lots of good thoughts your way.

Anonymous said...

Again, I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work. I really thought you had a real positive on your hands.
Glad to hear your friend was able to help you get back into an optimistic frame of mind. I don't think you should quit yet. I know budget stuff is tough. I'm really struggling right now financially, and cutting back everywhere I can, but you're right, it's doable.
Hang in there, we're here for you.

Aimee said...

{{{{{Sarah}}}}}} I hope your BETA proves positive.

and your NOT a lunatic, that's for sure! I've cried in front of my boss too. :o)

You have gone thru so much Sarah, you're a very strong gal and I truely admire you.

I will say a little prayer for your tonight. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Hey Sarah! If you feel this cycle didn't work than it didn't. Trust your gut. But please don't give up in the long run. I just make sure my re is learning more about my body each time and is adapting new protocols for each cycle. I too have bad news, my fet cycle didn't have any results, nothing left to put back. One didn't survive the thaw and the other didn't develop. I just keep my hopes up, I have 7 years till I'm 45 – that is over 40 cycles! One of them is going to work. I just thank God that I don't have to pay the sums that you do, here in Israel for the first 2 babies it is almost free till age 45, national health insurance covers most of it. I probably made the mistake you are considering in regard to housing. I had a small house 48 meters and I decided to add another story (with a bathtub and a laundry room), and I pushed off getting pregnant till I finished the building project. It took me almost 2 years and now I barely get by paying back the loans. Maybe, if I had started TTC 2 years younger I would have gotten pregnant, who know? Now I am living alone in a huge house with 2 empty extra bedrooms, and I have been TTC for 2 years. Choose your goals.
I am with you!