Saturday, December 29, 2007

Addictive personality

You know how I posted that after my Christmas break I would become saintly again? Yeah, not so much. I tried. I really did. And I managed to keep off the coffee for a whole morning and off the chocolate a few hours more than that. But it's been really stressful at work, I have had a bad few days for various reasons and I'm lame.

But the alcohol I have managed to stay off. Just. It has actually been a real struggle, and yesterday afternoon I was talking with a work buddy saying how the only thing getting me through the day was the thought that I could shortly have some red wine. I wanted it. I needed it. It was calling to me. Basically I'd gone 2 days without alcohol since Christmas day and I was in serious withdrawal pangs. He was a bit surprised because he didn't think I drank that much. Well, I don't - when cycling. When recovering from a negative result I have a big tendency to hit the bottle. So much that I worry myself. I haven't posted much about it here because after the "whole bottle in a single night" evening I managed to cut back enough to be able to function during the day. But I've had enough to get fairly sozzled every night and to need real, full blooded caffeinated coffee to make it all the way to lunchtime. I can't just have one glass if I'm on my own. I'm the same way with chocolate and sugar in general. Either I'm going at it, unable to stop myself, or I don't have any at all. It was the same way with, uh, mary jane. Not that I inhaled. Ahem. Haven't had any in well over a decade and don't want any, but when I was partaking, I had a lot. All signs of an addictive personality if you ask me. Am I an alcoholic or a chocoholic though? It's hard to say. I can literally go months without either. If I'm not having any, I don't want any. Well, perhaps I should rephrase that. I don't need any. And I can stop myself when I want, a lot of the time. If I go out to dinner with someone who I don't think will approve of me drinking much, I can limit myself to one glass of wine. Can't do that on my own though. I also limit myself if I'm out and have to drive home. Drunk driving is so not what I want to be doing. But both of those - limiting myself because of others or because of the need to get safely home without killing anyone or being arrested don't come without an internal struggle.

So, sadly, and with much mumbling and grumbling I decided yesterday that red wine really shouldn't be on the cards for the evening. Not when I had spent half the day desperately wanting some and counting down the hours. Not when I was worrying about sliding into alcoholism. So I didn't. I will allow myself a couple of glasses on New Year's Eve and that will be that. Done. No more until there's either another negative beta or a kid in my life. No more coffee or chocolate either. Sigh. Why oh why can't I be one of those people that can do things in moderation?

4 comments:

katedaphne said...

Moderation is fine, but I think you can discern between things that are truly dangerous for you and things that may be merely frowned upon. Alcohlism = bad. Probably giving up the wine is a good idea. But no one ever died, or killed anyone else, from having coffee or chocolate. You don't have to make yourself crazy giving up everything at once.

June Bug Momma said...

I agree, moderation is HARD in some areas. It's so easy to over do a lot of things that make you feel good. Just remeber it is only a temporary fix. Easy to say eh? :o) You are doing good Sarah! Baby steps..

Deb2You2 said...

If it helps any, everything I've read says there is a physical reason for that addiction and it has to do with the way your body processes the sugar/alcohol, which causes your body to produce more insulin and other related hormones, which gets you into a viscous loop. I'm reading (started reading, but haven't picked up since early November, really need to get back to it) this book by Dr. Robert Greene called Perfect Balance (or something like that), that explains it and other things I've wondered about pretty well. He's the new med. dir. at SIRM Sacramento and I thought about setting a consult with him, before deciding that it was pointless because I wouldn't believe him if he told me there was a chance with my own eggs and if he told me to move on, it was a waste of both of our time. Anyway, from what I've read so far, what your feeling is based in fact and has to do with the brain/hormone connection, according to him. But, it did make sense.

Deb

Yodasmistress said...

I could have written much of this post. I always say I have an OCD personality. I'm always either not drinking coffee at all or else chugging a pot a day. I don't have issues with chocolate in particular but I do have issues with food in general. I'm "only" a size 10 but I have to exercise a GREAT deal of restraint to stay that way. I also used to quite immersed in the counter culture and let me just say that I know first hand what habituation and tolerance are all about. In the last few years I've been drinking more. Through high school and college I found alcohol to be an inferior "high" and basically didn't drink at all. But being that my old vices are CLEARLY out of question I've resorted to that for my self-medicating tenancies...

I think that Kate is on the right track with her comment. That said, I also believe "Everything in moderation, including moderation". Much luck in conquering this inner demon. If and/or when you figure out the secret please let me know!