T minus one

I am in full despondency mode. I hate people, I hate the world, I hate everything about it and I hate that I can't get pregnant. Oh sure, I know that I could very well BE pregnant, but I just don't feel it, and that has me despairing. Of course, I'm basing the whole "feeling pregnant" thing on previous failed cycles, not actual cycles that resulted in a real, ongoing pregnancy, so I do know logically that it's all bogus really. I can't stop myself, though, especially as I felt pregnant earlier in the week and now don't. I can't help thinking that yet again a plucky little embryo tried to implant and then failed.

I was reading some literature this morning that said that the average percentage of chromosomal abnormality of eggs in women in the 40-45 year age group is about 30%. As a 39 year old, one would hope that my rate of chromosomal abnormality is a little shy of this, but as an infertile I accept that my rate must be higher than normal. Let's even say it's 50%. So why then can't I get at least one or two normal embryos? I've had 16 embryos transferred back to me, so why isn't at least one of them chromosomally normal? You would think even with shitty odds that you're bound to hit a good one eventually. But maybe not, eh?

The back pain turned out to be regular common-or-garden back pain. I had some inflamed muscles on my back, so it definitely wasn't referred pain from uterine cramps or anything. I called for an emergency acupuncture appointment and went home early yesterday because I just couldn't function any more. And dear sweet cutie acu worked a miracle on me. It still hurts a little bit, but not much, and I can walk! And stand up straight! Both of which I was not able to do for most of yesterday. Cutie acu was quite funny though, he was all "so, you go to New York, come back with a limp and end up pregnant...you KNOW what people are going to think!". And I say "let 'em". If I could actually be pregnant it would make me chortle immensely if people think it's because I had so much wild sex that I put my back out.

But I have spent most of the morning wondering what I am going to do if this cycle fails. I will definitely do the frozen embryo transfer with that lonely little embryo that is in the freezer from my 2nd cycle. And then. Well, this is where it gets tough. Because of seeing the new agey lady who read my akashic records, I now believe that I am supposed to have a child. But I am more and more turned off by this whole process, and the thought of donor eggs or adoption just scares me and doesn't feel like something I want to do. I kind of feel like that is my line in the sand, and that I just don't want to continue trying at that point. So I would stop it all there and live child free if there wasn't this "supposed to" karmic life plan thing going on that the akashic records implied. Sure, I could do another cycle at Big Clinic, but the logistics of taking time off work and devoting mental energy to it is too much to think about. I even thought this morning of just quitting work, selling the house and going back to England with my tail between my legs. After doing one more cycle in between the time I quit and the time I get kicked out the country for overstaying my welcome. Or I guess I could take a leave of absence from work, but then everybody has to be involved and frankly everything has sucked the life out of me so much that I have no desire to ever do this line of work again. So why cling on just to stay in the country when there's no frickin' point anyway?

Oh well, all of this is, we know, moot if the cycle has in fact worked. So I will be peeing on a stick in the morning. It'll be 12DPO, so any result should be accurate. And then it's the beta on Monday. And then presumably utter amazement and joy, or hitting the booze. Life seems very binary all of a sudden.