Thursday, December 27, 2007

Fertile infertiles

When you get to be such a spectacular failure as I am at all things IVF, you start to look back to that first IVF with rose colored glasses. Women who have success on their first IVF suddenly seem, well, fertile. Obviously, they aren't, otherwise they wouldn't have had to play that whole IVF game in the first place. But maybe we'll go with subfertile rather than INfertile. Fixable using this fab thing called IVF, instead of completely and totally UNfertile. Not quite as barren as you can possibly get.

Most of the time, I have no problem with fertile infertiles. In fact, I sincerely hope my dear friend Cali has become one now that she has a very promising looking EPT. I mean, good lord, I wouldn't wish repeated IVF attempts on anyone, let alone on people I actually like. Anyone (but especially Cali) deserves to have that IVF work, dagnammit.

But now I find myself in this strange world of frozen embryo transfers. I started lurking on the FET board on that there connections website. And good gravy, the women there are nice but I feel like a completely different species. It is completely, chock-a-block full of women who got pregnant with twins on their first IVF and are now going back to use up some of their gazillion frozen embryos for a sibling. I kid you not. And of course, they're all fretting about how many to transfer given that they don't want another set of twins. I feel like I don't even have the same language. I certainly don't have the same experiences as them, nor the confidence that my one lonely little frozen guy will do the right stuff for me. It is like being thrust suddenly back into one of those TTC sites full of blinkies and babydust and sticky vibes and success on the second try. It is quite quite scary and jarring and traumatizing all at the same time.

So I resolutely decided that I would NOT join any groups and I would not participate in any way.

Hahahaha. Me? Butt out? Never!

You are welcome, fertile infertiles. You may thank me later for barging into your group, and being the fall guy for the group stats when I post my inevitable negative and you all get good and knocked up. I am nothing if not public spirited.


The Dunn Family said...

Oh, I'm one of those. And it's funny, because a lot of times I don't want to comment on people's blogs who are still trying to conceive, because I am afraid they will go to my blog, and be bombarded with pics of my twins. So I feel like I'm not truly a member of this infertile blogging community. thank you for saying I'm welcome here, and I hope you know you have lots of support!

Amy said...

LOL well said. I haven't been through nearly enough IVF's as you have but I definitely put myself in the multiple IVF category

Rachel said...

I feel the same way when I go to infertility support groups. I volunteer my story first. The newbies get wide eyed and look upon me with pity and desperately hope that they don't have to go through what I've gone through. I'm not sure if it's cathartic or if I'm just being sick or self-pitying.

I hope you are wrong and the FET works for you.

bleu said...

It is so interesting you wrote this. I was thinking about this very thing yesterday. I, who has a child, was still feeling the pain of the failed first IVF and reading all those who had their first work or are going back for an FET after a couple years. I , however, looked for failed ivf FET boards and read some of those. Filled much more with desperate, trying to hold onto any kind of hope, types of women.Much more my style. But still I do not write. I am to conscientious about the whole secondary infertility thing and too much of an isolated hermit these days to venture out past the blogland I know and the LGBT board I frequent.

ANyhow thanks for voicing it all here, it helps.

Stephanie said...

Hey Sarah, you want your superhero cape in medium or large???

Da dah daaaaahh!!


orodemniades said...

It's weird you should mention this, because this time next year, I plan on doing My Very First FET.

And despite my desperation and sorry and anger and depression and heartbreak of 8.5 years, getting pregnant on my my first treatment (of any kind) has been surreal. It makes me feel like a big fat faker. And of course, so much could still go wrong...

It's so very strange. And with so many old-timers pregnant these days, it feels like the flame is being passed on to a new generation, and that's weird, too. I can't help but think you've got to be next - gods know you've more than earned it, more than deserve it.

Yodasmistress said...

This reminds me of one of Kami's recent posts. I just don't know what to say. You mention the statistics - someone else has a blog by a similar line.

I've thought about these things a lot. Just yesterday as I was doing the dishes I was pondering the difference between INfertile and SUBfertile. I'd be lying if I said I don't hope I'm the latter group. And I guess if someone has to be in the former then "better the you than me". The problem is that Blogland takes the proverbial "you" and makes them into a person whose words make my cry as I taste the tiniest bit of their pain. And then I go back to the whole life isn't fair and WHY? merry-go-round.

I'm babbling. But I'm sorry. I'm truly and profoundly sorry that some of us will not get the resolution we seek. From what I've read on your blog over the last few months you seem like a really strong and wonderful person and I think it's a bona fide tragedy that this road has been so long and fulfilling for you.

Kami said...

I am right there with you. I don't know why it is so much harder for some people. I have also seen that those people who get pregnant "easily" do seem to have a different response to infertility than the ones who have been in the trenches longer.

I hope this is a miracle FET