Tuesday, December 04, 2007

I'm not even going to share last night's dream

It was quite bizarre. Except I still didn't get to a happy ending before the alarm went off! Nearly, though. Nearly.

I went to see cutie acu last night, who said I felt pregnant to him. Not sure what that means, exactly, and he couldn't really explain it but I liked hearing it even though of course I said "well, it's probably too early to tell, really" in order to throw a protective layer around my heart. But here's the thing, I'm going to admit it, I feel pregnant too. I know, I know, it's only 8DPO, it's too early to tell, and a lot of the time I am very unsure about my feelings and am denying to myself that I feel anything at all. And, it really doesn't mean anything at this stage anyway, but this time I decided to throw it out there to the universe and own up. I would say that out of three years of trying, I have felt pregnant on maybe 4 or 5 cycles, not that I've dared say that out loud to many people before. And have even flat out denied it sometimes when asked. And when other people say they just "know" that they are not pregnant, I have often said they can't possibly "know" because you always read of women who "knew" their cycle didn't work when it did. But, well, OK, there was some lying going on there.

On only one of those 4 or 5 cycles did I get any official confirmation with a low positive beta which turned into a chemical, so any rational scientific person would say that me feeling pregnant (or rather, different) means nothing. However, on three of those cycles I had faint positive home pregnancy tests that turned negative later on before the beta. On a couple of cycles I had acupuncturists tell me I had slippery pulses which are usually indicative of pregnancy. So I would say that to me having a feeling of maybe something being up means that something tried to happen, even if it didn't manage to implant properly or progress very far. Which at the end of the day, as we all know, means nothing. Trying and failing to implant does not get me a baby.

But at least it's a hopeful sign that I am not convinced (yet) that this cycle totally didn't work. I shall try to remind myself of that as I slip into despair mode in the next few days, as usually happens.


Jackie said...

Hey there, cycle buddy! (I told you I'd leave a comment next time I visited, so I wouldn't be one of "those" people!!)

Sounds like your crazy dreams are a little more, um, interesting than mine are!

I'm excited that you "feel" pregnant! I hope so, so much that you are right.

calliope said...

I'm going to go all out & just agree with hot acu. If he is "feeling" pregnancy for you then so am I!

8dpo is exaaaaaaaaaaactly when you should start to feel some rumbles or something. (right?)

Please, please let this be it!

Celeste said...

my fingers are crossed so tightly for you!!!!!


Amy said...

Good luck Sara! I'll miss you on FF but will be checking in on you! I really hope this is it for you! You deserve it!!

June Bug Momma said...

Yes!! Keep thinking positive thoughts Sarah! I think your feelings are very realistic!! Sending super sticky vibes your way!

Deb said...

How exciting... sending out positive vibes to you....