Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Craaaaazy

I amaze myself sometimes, I really do.

There I was, grieving having to stop trying for children from my own eggs, writing off the FET as a foregone conclusion and then I thought...wait! This crazy FET thing could actually work, especially if they let me do an IUI at the same time. I could actually have some hope here and have not yet actually reached the end of the road for my eggs. And that made me all excited and hopeful and like there was joy and a point to life again.

Which got me thinking. As usual. I was reading an old post by the fabulous Julie of a little pregnant fame which was in response to one of those "why don't you just adopt?" comments that infertility sufferers get from time to time. Well, often, really, let's not pretend it's a "from time to time" issue at all. It's a classic post, it really is. You should read it. I'll wait while you do. And, mind you, this was before she had Charlie but while pregnant.

And I was thinking, god, why can't I seem to move on to adoption or donor eggs easily. Why not me? Why do I keep trying and trying with my own eggs. Why, even though I so wanted to be done, even though I promised myself I would be done, even though I was happy to be done fer fuck's sake, why now after the negative and the crying and sobbing do I secretly want to do another cycle? Why do I not want to give up? Well, it's partly because it does happen sometimes. Some women do have success on IVF#9 or whatever. So there's this little bit of hope that drags me forward constantly, that doesn't allow me to give up. There's this little bit of joy that bubbles up when I think about trying again with my eggs that just isn't there when I think of donor eggs or adoption.

But it's probably mostly because I am crazy. Craaaazy. Clearly I must be somewhat unbalanced, or I would have stopped long ago, realizing that the odds are so not in my favor. And if we're being honest here, a big part of the reason why I wanted to stop trying with my own eggs was because of what the world out there (that is, you lot) would think of me. That you would think I was so desperate to conceive a genetically related child that I was refusing to see the whole point of this exercise, which is motherhood after all, which doesn't have to involve any genetic link at all.

However, as Julie puts it better than anyone:

It's not for you — for anyone
To scold, to hector, or to scoff
At how we build our families, hon.
We decide that. You fuck off.

So, um. There we are. I have decided that if I want to be crazy and do yet another IVF with my own eggs, I might just do that. It's too hard to grieve giving up the genetic link when I don't have to, you see. I am not at the age where the RE's say that it is a foregone conclusion. I am not at the financial limit where I need to stop and move on or there won't be any money left. Really the only choice is what is harder - another cycle with my eggs or donor eggs (or whatever). And while going through the cycle I thought another cycle with my own eggs would be way harder because I wouldn't have any hope left, at this point it seems to me that donor eggs would be harder. And because I always like to take the easy way out, that's what I'm thinking right now.

Of course, if both RE's tell me point blank that I need to stop kidding myself and I need to move to DE and just shut up, this could all be moot. I'll find out tomorrow what one of them thinks, at least.

6 comments:

singletracey said...

you do what is right for you :-) I always trust my gut (well most of the time) and if you gut wants to keep on with your eggs.. keep on girl!

Amy said...

It's hard to think about moving on. I have done 3 IVF's and still no baby. I have thought about adtoption but it stresses me out! It's very hard to give up on your body and move on (so to speak) Do what you feel is right. If you are not ready to move on the don't! I have seen 1 or 2 woman on FF get pregnant after 7 IVF's. (I know sounds crazy huh?-or not so crazy to you) :)

orodemniades said...

Your gut will tell you when it's time to stop. Until then, inject on!

Oro

Michelle said...

De-lurking (again) here ...

First of all, I am so, so sorry that this cycle didn't work. Fuck.

And I wanted to tell you that I actually know of someone here in my neighborhood who got pregnant with IVF #9. So there you go.

As long as you have the resources - emotional and financial - to give it another try, and it's what you want to do, then go for it. You'll know when it's time for you to stop, either because you're pregnant - the best reason - or because you want to go a different route. But it's your choice, and what's right for someone else isn't necessarily going to be right for you (and vice versa).

I wish you all the best, in whatever you do. And I really enjoy your writing and admire your wit and humor through it all.

Elowyn said...

I had the same "what will people think" issue with quitting my adoption process. It's bullshit.

The only thing your true friends should/will want for you is that you become a mom, since that's what you want so much. We want that for you, and we want it ASAP. How you get there is entirely up to you, and whether you continue to pursue/want that is entirely up to you.

I don't judge the genetic-link bit at all - I have the same issue, as I return to TTC. Wishing you the best, instant success, and complete mental clarity. ((you))

Kristin said...

Hi Sarah,

Delurking here to tell you that I'm so sorry your cycle didn't work, and I so admire your courage to press on. You have such a wise way of looking at this, and I know that your instinct will tell you what is the right path, and when.

As your move ahead, I just wanted to urge you to have the autoimmune testing looked into, if you haven't already. I've been reading your blog for a while, but don't seem to remember your mentioning this. Perhaps you have some issues along those lines that can be treated with IVIG, prednisone, lovenox, etc. (Again, forgive me if you have already addressed all of this; I just don't recall reading about it, and it could be worth looking into as you move ahead.)

Best of luck to you,

Kristin