Sunday, December 16, 2007

Retail therapy is a wonderful thing

I am posting this from my brand new MacBook using my brand new DSL connection and I have to say, I am liking it!  Now, OK, I'm sure the real tech whizzes amongst you are laughing that I have DSL but I am pretty darn cheap when it comes to things you have to pay for over and over again. Besides, I don't have cable TV and it was confusing and expensive to get a plan with just cable internet and no TV.  I will wait for the next latest and greatest thing to come after cable and move to that.  Whatever it ends up being.

Anyway, I've been planning on getting a new computer for months.  Ever since the last one died and yet I have held out because of finances or some other screwy reason like doing an IVF.   And no, I really shouldn't be spending all this money, but I was really missing having internet access at home and if I'm going to take out X thousands of dollars from my savings to pay for the IVF I may as well bite the bullet and take out X+1 thousands.

As for me, I'm doing OK.  The sobbing has subsided and is now a much more restrained weeping.  Still doing it every day, but that's OK.  I am fine with taking time to grieve this failed cycle and the very possible loss of the genetic link to my child(ren) or maybe even the end of trying to conceive altogether.  It is something that needs time, that needs to be expressed, and I'm OK with that.  Just so long as I can booze at the same time, I am good.

I have decided that I will call Big Clinic tomorrow, and book my post-IVF consultation (more colloquially known as the WTF consultation).  I really wasn't going to do it, even though it is free, because I was afraid that I'd come away wanting to cycle again and not be able to resist.  But Dr. S. may have interesting things to say, and it would be foolish to pass up the chance to go over the cycle with him.  He may just say that it is time for donor eggs, and that would mesh with my own thinking.  But he may say that we could try another cycle, and you know what, it would not be the end of the world if I decided to do another one, even though I said I wouldn't.  I have been spending all this mental energy basically telling myself that I HAVE to end here, that everyone will think I'm crazy for keep trying to flog my poor old ovaries into submission.  But if that's what my heart wants to do, then it is worth considering.  

I'm also going to try to move up the consultation for the FET/IUI combo.  That's definitely going to come first, whatever I decide for the future, and I don't want to spend all of January just waiting for the chance to speak to Dr. M., my local RE.  So I'll see if they can fit me in earlier.

And then the future.  Well, I'm going to ask both RE's what they really think.  I know Dr. M. will suggest donor eggs.  I don't know if Dr. S. will suggest that or not, but it's fairly likely.  I guess I'll also ask if they do donor embryos at their clinics just to do a bit of research on that.  Adoption is lagging further and further behind in my thinking, so is now a fairly distant fifth place.  I'm not sure why this is, as it was previously one of the top contenders but I suppose that was before I really tried opening my heart to donor eggs or embryos.  We'll see how things shake out over the next few months I guess.  Hey, you never know, that FET might just work and then I won't have to worry about it all.  OK, fine, don't all laugh quite so loudly please.  There's always a miniscule chance that it could work.


Amy said...

I think it's great that you bought yourself a new computer & got internet! You deserve to do something for you for once. :)

It's good to hear you are doing a bit better. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I can't wait to hear how your WTF appointment goes!

Katkun said...

Ugh. I had just written a long comment and managed to get it erased. That's why I don't usually comment on blogger :) In any case, short of it was congratulations on the macbook - I love mine. And that whatever you decide, I hope it's successful (actually, hope the frozen transfer is successful). I have a huge amount of admiration for you, and for your resilience after everything you've been through.

Celeste said...

There's a lot to process, and I'm glad you're taking the time to honor the moments as they come. As for the computer, I think that's a brilliant addition. I only got DSL a few months ago, and it's totally revolutionary.

Anonymous said...

the FET can SO work. Not a laughable thing to say at all.

I really can't wait to hear how the WTF talk goes. Is it scheduled or do they just call whenever??

& You KNOW I am thrilled to the core that you got a macbook!!! wooo hooooo!!! Let me know if there is any software you want/need.

thought about you all day.

Jules said...

I have no idea how you are managing this Sarah - Its been a big enough decision to go for it a second time knowing that my eggs are crap and actully chances re not good..

You are a real credit and good for you buying a new pc.

I hope the FET works.

The Town Criers said...

There is a chance so I'm not laughing. And beyond that, I really liked what you said about following what your heart thinks.

Congratulations on the new computer :-)