Thursday, December 20, 2007

Fraudulent whining

I feel like a fraud, I tell ya. There was I, whining and moaning about the last IVF being my last cycle with my own eggs. Evah. And then grieving and whining and moaning when it didn't work. And now? Poof! Gone! It's so not there and I feel so much better now that I just feel like you all will feel that all the crying was just crocodile tears. It really wasn't, I promise. But I just hit this big ole brick wall every time I tried to move forward with the "no more of Sarah's eggs" plan and I felt broken. And yet if I turned aside and said to myself "I think I could" in a Thomas The Tank Engine-style way, I think I could use my own eggs again, there was an immediate easing of pain.

It's as if this huge weight lifted off me when I allowed myself to start thinking of another cycle with my own eggs. As if every cell in my body let out a collective sigh of relief and said "yessssss!"

I mean, don't get me wrong. I am diligently researching donor eggs and donor embryos. I am lurking on and posting on donor chat boards. I am getting my head around the idea. Mentally, I feel like I am beginning to make the leap. The only snag is that the rest of my body, especially my heart, absolutely refuses to follow the lead. And as people who've made that move to donor eggs or embryos keep telling me that I'll just *know* when it's the right time, I have to say that I most categorically do not yet *know*.

So I shall go on researching and thinking, but perhaps in the background. In the foreground is the FET, so this is to report that I have only small cysts on my ovaries which shouldn't stop me from going ahead, and yesterday's estrogen was nice and low. So I think I should be cleared to start the birth control pills tonight.


Anonymous said...

so so so glad you are in the Thomas the Tank kind of place now. It would be nuts to proceed to a plan B type situation until you were totally moved on from plan A.

& I think Plan A is where it is AT.

sending much love.

bleu said...

I am so glad to hear of any easing of the deep pain. I like your plan, a lot.

Much peace

Michelle said...

Wouldn't you be more of a fraud if you didn't try again with your own eggs, simply because that's what you said you would do and not because it's what you actually want? Don't feel that you need to apologize for being true to yourself!