Officially official

Yes, the eagle-eyed among you had noticed that I'd already marked my FF chart with a "B-" indication, but that was just me guessing, well, knowing, what the result was going to be. And wanting to stop FF from giving me that stupid "Congratulations! You are pregnant!" message. So I marked stuff on my chart that I didn't really know to be accurate. But of course, deep down, I did know. And not so deep down. The boobs don't lie, and the boobs have been deflated, non-veiny and so not pregnant for a few days. I think the boobs always know.

The follow-up beta was negative.

I am still surprisingly OK. I am not quite sure why. I am sure a lot of it is just shocked numbness, and that the floodgates will open once I hit the booze this weekend, but a lot of it is also that I know failure. I seem to do TTC failure quite well. So it's not as if failure is surprising to me. And, what I never thought would happen, is that I'm actually optimistic in a weird way. Big Clinic got me two good quality embryos out of two. I got a chemical. I had some HCG that registered on beta day, which is further than I've got before. I think we are on the right track, so that is giving me hope.

As for the future, well, I am all about moving on as quickly as possible. I have decided that there will be (at least) one more IVF. I don't think I can stop now. We almost got there, and I feel that I have to give Big Clinic two shots at this - it seems fair, as I gave my old clinic four shots at getting it right. Hopefully Big Clinic now has lots of data on how I react to their protocols, and next time we can do it even better. My current plan therefore is to do one more fresh IVF, then use up the lone frozen embryo that I have at my local clinic and then call it a day on my own eggs. And figure out what to do with the rest of my life - whether that involves child-free living or adoption or whatever. So, ever one for taking the bull by the horns, I asked the nurse who called with the beta results to transfer me to Dr. S.'s secretary so I could make the appointment for my post-IVF consult. Or my WTF consult as I like to think of it, following on from the tradition from another of those sites many of us met at. My appointment is for the 28th of this month and I hope to cycle again in October. Or November. Depending on how the schedule pans out. I will do coculture again, so that adds another wrinkle into the scheduling plans as it takes a cycle to get the biopsy done.

I have also signed up for one of those diet programs where they ship you all your food so you don't have to think about what to eat. I hope I will like it. It'd be nice to lose 10lbs or so before punishing my ovaries again. I have signed up to have the maximum medical flex savings account allowed by my company, which will part pay for the next IVF. And, errr, what else? Nothing really, except that I'm trying to plan what ridiculously expensive, indulgent treat I will allow myself this weekend. It will involve expensive alcohol at some point. I'm kind of in the mood for Champagne - as kind of an anti-celebration. I never seem to get to the point where Champagne would be warranted, so why the fuck not use it to drown my sorrows? Maybe with some fresh strawberries and whipped cream. And something else delicious to eat.

Thanks for the support, everyone, but it was not meant to be. This time.