Friday, August 17, 2007

Liquor store madness

You win some a-a-and you lose some
And you save nothing for a rainy day

This snippet of a song from Carter USM, a band I'm sure none of you have ever heard of, is going around my head today. It's not just the lyrics, it was the way Fruitbat sang them, dude. Such melancholy, such feeeling.

Trouble is, when am I going to win some?

Stopped at the liquor store yesterday on my way home from work. The two store clerks were all over me like a bad suit. I think it was a quiet day. That, or they knew they had a sucker on their hands who would be buying more than a 4-pack of strong beer. I stood looking at the Champagnes and sparkling wines. The clerks came over to try to help me. I said I didn't really need help, I was quite happy looking. The first clerk made a feeble joke about the Dom Perignon being available if I wanted that, that they had the "fancy-schmancy" stuff all right. Then he repeated "fancy-schmancy" several times. I think he liked the sound of his own voice. He asked if I could tell he had a New York accent from the way he said "fancy-schmancy". I said "uh-huh, yeah, right, I don't want the Dom Perignon, thanks." Then he tried to sell me some Californian sparkling wine. I was pondering it, as after all I'd also picked up the Chambord to mix in (thanks, Serenity, for the tip) so I didn't need the world's best-tasting Champagne to go with it. Then the second clerk recommended the "Voove". "Voove?" said I, with a raised eyebrow, and said in my snootiest English accent "what an interesting pronunciation. I've never heard it pronounced Voove before." What can I say, they were pissing me off already. The first guy started getting defensive. I said "sorry, it's just where I come from everybody knows it as Veuve Clicquot, sorry, verve cleek-oh". The first guy started saying that he couldn't speak French, apart from saying "haw-he-haw" as he practically brayed the stereotypical French utterance. I stared at him. He made a few more guttural attempts at being a Frenchman along the lines of "haw-HAW". I gaped. Then he said "doesn't Voove mean aunt anyway? Isn't it someone's aunt? Isn't there a story about how it got its name?" I pointed out that aunt would be tante, so I wasn't quite sure that Veuve meant that, but didn't know what it was supposed to mean as I wasn't a follower of all things Champagne. [Though I have since remembered that veuve means widow, so he was almost kinda sorta right.] I was starting to want out of there, fast. The Californian sparkling wine was starting to look mighty good, mostly because it was the nearest bottle to hand and I could make my exit quickly.

First store clerk was by now in his stride. He seemed to think he'd been incredibly funny with the French noises and launched into a tale of how people keep telling him he should do stand-up but they didn't realize how difficult stand-up comedy was to do. I made a polite comment or two, thinking that he would definitely bomb if I were in the audience and he tried to make me laugh. Then he starts telling me he is a cartoonist and had quite a successful cartoon on the internet for a while, but he ran out of material because there was only one character. And you know what the cartoon was called? Of course, OF FUCKING COURSE, it was The Angry Fetus. It was all about a fetus who likes kicking his mom to make her pay for doing yoga. And other such things. The guy started miming being an angry fetus and kicking. And then jabbing with his elbows. He was getting into his stride, laughing at how hysterically funny he was being, telling me it was quite a hit with the ladies. I grabbed two bottles of the Californian sparkling and stomped off to the counter to make him work the till and stop talking.

I ask you. The Angry Fetus. Can an infertile ever fucking not be reminded of these things? Especially on the day she finds out she won't have a fetus, angry or otherwise, because her embryos are now dead. D-e-a-d. Dead. No more. Deceased. Not to be. At the cost of a nice car, gone up in smoke.

So I drank a whole bottle of sparkling vino last night. The Chambord was nice, though I have to admit, I prefer creme de cassis as a mixer. The booze did not make me feel any better. It didn't feel like an anti-celebration. Just a bit squalid because the first few glasses were just downed in anger. And I promise I didn't intend to scarf the whole bottle. It just kind of happened. There I was trimming the cork so it would fit back in the half-full bottle that I would save for today, when I realized that actually far from being half-full there was only one glass left in the bottle. Oops! I couldn't put it back in the fridge with just one glass full in there, could I? Next time I shall go for the mojitos. Maybe that'll work better.

Needless to say, I'm a tad hungover this morning. And filled with a nice healthy dose of self-loathing and self-pity, which always come along with a hangover. And a smidgen of anger at this ridiculous situation. So at least the booze helped to free up some feelings, after all.


katty said...

I'm sorry Sarah.
I cannot wait for the day that everything comes right for you.

amanda said...

OMG, what an aggravating employee! They shouldn't have people like that in such an influential role--driving people to drink more!
i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks, and it's just not fair.
i hope you enjoyed the sparkling wine. i sure enjoyed the Cazadores i drank the day i realized i wasn't pregnant this cycle...and by the way, "Voove" is quite good! The CEO wrote a fun book called "French Women Don't Get Fat".

MLO said...

OH, that just sucks. That is the universe being friggin' cruel.



Heather said...

Holy shit, that is the worst! If I were you, I don't think I would have remained that cool. He definitely deserved a good slapping around!

calliope said...

that is just wrong on SO many levels. good lawd. please make a note to never shop there again.

I know (very well) how to be a tidy wine drinker. I mean, really, how messy to leave half a bottle on the counter on in the fridge. & you know, champagne doesn't really keep well. So you did good to consume it all.

none of this is fair. and I hate that i keep looking for fairness.

Orodemniades said...

Holy crap, that's the liquor store from hell.

And, speaking as someone who regularly drank entire bottles of wine the last year of working with 4 pregnant women, no, you don't feel better from drinking, but your body gets a chance to relax. For a litle while, at least.

June Bug Momma said...

Argh! LOSER at the Liquer store!! Ugh.... I am glad you did a little self indulging and hope it helped you feel better. Please have a great weekend, do something nice for yourself.

Sara said...

I'm sorry that the universe is throwing so much crap at you these days.

I hope that you feel better soon.

serenity said...

Oh Je-ZUS. Really. Could the universe be JUST a tiny bit nicer to you right now?

Honestly, I would have downed the entire bottle as well after an experience like that.

I am so sorry, Sarah. I could just kick those guys in the BALLS right now one your behalf. Grrrr.

mimi said...

Sorry to hear about this terrible week. What a moron at the liquor store! What a ridiculous idea, too. Not only is it offensive, but it's not funny; it's not even clever. Reminds me of an obnoxious guy in a writing group I used to be in, who worked this little gem into his story: an angry ex-husband gets into his ex-wife's medicine cabinet and replaces her b.c. pills with baby aspirin. Dude: First of all, it's not a really clever idea because she would know (duh). But more importantly, that is just SICK! How can some people just be so far from the concept of sensitive on the subject of reproduction?

Anyway Sarah, I hope you have a relaxing night tonight. Rent something funny. Jeeves, maybe. Hugh Laurie always cheers me up.

Deb said...

Wow, I so hate it when bad gets dumped upon something already cruddy. Hope that you have a relaxing weekend.