Thursday, August 16, 2007

Officially official

Yes, the eagle-eyed among you had noticed that I'd already marked my FF chart with a "B-" indication, but that was just me guessing, well, knowing, what the result was going to be. And wanting to stop FF from giving me that stupid "Congratulations! You are pregnant!" message. So I marked stuff on my chart that I didn't really know to be accurate. But of course, deep down, I did know. And not so deep down. The boobs don't lie, and the boobs have been deflated, non-veiny and so not pregnant for a few days. I think the boobs always know.

The follow-up beta was negative.

I am still surprisingly OK. I am not quite sure why. I am sure a lot of it is just shocked numbness, and that the floodgates will open once I hit the booze this weekend, but a lot of it is also that I know failure. I seem to do TTC failure quite well. So it's not as if failure is surprising to me. And, what I never thought would happen, is that I'm actually optimistic in a weird way. Big Clinic got me two good quality embryos out of two. I got a chemical. I had some HCG that registered on beta day, which is further than I've got before. I think we are on the right track, so that is giving me hope.

As for the future, well, I am all about moving on as quickly as possible. I have decided that there will be (at least) one more IVF. I don't think I can stop now. We almost got there, and I feel that I have to give Big Clinic two shots at this - it seems fair, as I gave my old clinic four shots at getting it right. Hopefully Big Clinic now has lots of data on how I react to their protocols, and next time we can do it even better. My current plan therefore is to do one more fresh IVF, then use up the lone frozen embryo that I have at my local clinic and then call it a day on my own eggs. And figure out what to do with the rest of my life - whether that involves child-free living or adoption or whatever. So, ever one for taking the bull by the horns, I asked the nurse who called with the beta results to transfer me to Dr. S.'s secretary so I could make the appointment for my post-IVF consult. Or my WTF consult as I like to think of it, following on from the tradition from another of those sites many of us met at. My appointment is for the 28th of this month and I hope to cycle again in October. Or November. Depending on how the schedule pans out. I will do coculture again, so that adds another wrinkle into the scheduling plans as it takes a cycle to get the biopsy done.

I have also signed up for one of those diet programs where they ship you all your food so you don't have to think about what to eat. I hope I will like it. It'd be nice to lose 10lbs or so before punishing my ovaries again. I have signed up to have the maximum medical flex savings account allowed by my company, which will part pay for the next IVF. And, errr, what else? Nothing really, except that I'm trying to plan what ridiculously expensive, indulgent treat I will allow myself this weekend. It will involve expensive alcohol at some point. I'm kind of in the mood for Champagne - as kind of an anti-celebration. I never seem to get to the point where Champagne would be warranted, so why the fuck not use it to drown my sorrows? Maybe with some fresh strawberries and whipped cream. And something else delicious to eat.

Thanks for the support, everyone, but it was not meant to be. This time.

12 comments:

Heather said...

I'm so very sorry.

I think lots and lots of champagne is definitely in order.

Anonymous said...

Sarah - so sorry to read your update. So disappointing I know.

Here is my recipe for a mojito:
1. crush ~10 fresh mint leaves in a tall glass
2. add simple syrup to taste - 2-4 T
3. squeeze a half to one lime into the glass
4. add a bunch of Ba.card.i Lim.on
5. top up with club soda
6. drink and repeat!

(((hugs)))
Alacrity

June Bug Momma said...

{{{{{{{Sarah}}}}}}}} I am so sorry! :o( I am glad you are not giving up hope! A lot of women have a successful pregnancy after a chemical. I did! I hope this is the case with you too! I like your attitude. Don't give up and take care of yourself! You are a fighter! Hoping your next cycle is a success.

serenity said...

You do sound remarkably ok... I often feel like I'm much more used to failure than success too.

All the same, it sucks. And I'm pissed on your behalf.

I'm a big fan of adding some chambord to champagne. Makes it taste a little sweeter and more... well... luxurious to me.

Thinking of you.

Care said...

I'm glad you are not in limbo anymore, but I wish with all my might that the outcome would have been much different. I think champaign (no idea if I spelled that right) and strawberries sound like a wonderful treat.

Kelly said...

Mojitoes are my favorite! I'm so sorry for the chemical, but also glad you got pg! That's a step in the right direction! You have a strong head on your shoulders! Praying for you!!

bleu said...

Crappity crap crap!!!!!! I am so sorry sweetie.

Do me a favor and email me I want to send you some info through email.

I am clickable on my blog

calliope said...

fuck.
I am so sorry for the official bit.
But I am WAY impressed with your tenacity for getting back in the saddle.
I going to put a lot of hope (gasp) in Big Clinic.

mojitos sound divine by the way. I think you should also treat yourself to some new shoes or something...

xoxo

Sara said...

Ugh. I'm so sorry. That just sucks.

On a happier note, you sound like you're handling it really well. You SHOULD have champagne or something equally fabulous this weekend. Then, when the next cycle WORKS, you won't be kicking yourself for missing out on your last chance for a tasty drink for a while.

Orodemniades said...

That fucking sucks.

I so wish the outcome had been different.

I am so sorry.

gabby said...

Lots of champagne is definitely in order. I'm really glad you're taking this as a positive step--b/c it really is.

linda said...

God that sucks. Bah. But I am glad to hear that you got to implantation this time with a bonefide beta above the stinking 2 or 5 line. It means that your uterus was receptive this time, if only for a short while. Are you doing any immunology treatments (ie, baby aspirin, folgard, etc?)