Saturday, August 11, 2007

It was I that chopped down the cherry tree

11 dpo. I cannot tell a lie. I have tested. It was, quel surprise, negative. I know, I know, it's too early to be depressed. I don't even usually start testing until 12dpo for that very reason. It could still turn positive.

But still. Apart from my right boob hurting there is nothing going on with me. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I like to think that I would feel something. And, yup, I know, plenty of women have no symptoms whatsoever. And why the right boob, I wonder? Why not both together? Is it trying to tell me something? Kind of like a semaphore signal? Right boob = negative, left boob = positive, both together = twins?

I'm not even all that down. I feel kind of numb about the approaching blood test. Fatalistic. Resigned. I just don't know how I'm going to react if it's another negative. But I don't think shock or surprise is going to be one of my feelings. I'll probably just stare at the wall and cry quietly at the pointlessness of wasting so much of my life on this pursuit.

I just didn't expect that this would be my life. I didn't expect I would have to stare down childlessness like this. I didn't expect I'd get to the point of never having children. Well, none of us do, do we? We don't usually have an inkling at the age of 5 that we're going to suffer from infertility at some point. If I'd have known, I'd have started trying a lot earlier.

Oh well, tomorrow's another day, I know. Another day nearer to the end of this particular wait.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Sarah. I totally feel your pain. I also never thought I wouldn't have children. I always thought I would have kids. It was just a given. To be here in this place is completely unbelievable. It completely sucks big time ass. There is nothing that compares. No, it's not cancer or some horrible debilitating illness. Sometimes, it even seems worse. Gasp! Yes, I actually said that. With those things I would feel completely blindsided. They would be out of my control. But, infertility feels like it's my fault. I should have known to try much earlier. Sigh. It's just not that way though, is it?

Hang in there. I hope you get your positive soon.


Orodemniades said...

What Cindy said.

I do want to share, though, that I tested negative on both pee sticks I used (stupid crappy EPT), not only on day 12, when a blood test showed I was pregnant, but two weeks later as well.

I'm just sayin'.

bleu said...

I want this so badly for you, so very very deeply I feel like my breath is held with yours.

Anonymous said...

I have followed your struggles on FF and so hoped that this cycle was the one. I too never thought I would do 5 IVF's and still be empty armed.

I assume you are using a high quality hpt not IC's like I did. My IC claimed 20 mIU sensitive when in fact they were about 150 mIU sensitive...I ended up being completely shocked with a bfp on the blood test on 12dp3dt. Sadly, I m/c-ed.

So hoping tomorrow is a bfp!!!

calliope said...

thinking of you.

June Bug Momma said...

((((Sarah)))) It is too too early! I hope that the POAS will tel you differently in a few days. I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed for you!!