Sunday, August 12, 2007

Not the eloquent post I've been planning for years

When you've been trying to conceive for a while, you have this image in your mind of how it's going to be when you get that positive HPT. I imagined whooping and general celebrating, of immediately phoning my aunt. Of being sure. And happy. You know, how I would have been before infertility robbed me of my innocence in all matters HPT and pregnancy related.

Instead, yesterday I was fairly sure it didn't work, as you know. I mean, I didn't tell you that I did get a faint faint evaporation line type thing. After a few hours. That nobody without super-TTC-exacto-xray vision would ever be able to see. So it wasn't worth mentioning really. I'd planned an afternoon of chick flicks and ice cream with Stephanie, my local multiple-IVFer buddy. We have a support group of 2. And sometimes 3 when her husband comes too. Unfortunately, we've had far too many occasions where we need to get the support group out to commiserate for someone's bad news. Yesterday was supposed to be helping to cheer up Stephanie, who was supposed to have had an FET transfer this week but instead found out that all 4 frozen embryos didn't make it through the thaw. It's going to take them a year to save up again for another shot at IVF. Effing miserable bad luck and I am heartbroken for them.

And I started off being fairly good at commiserating, I think. Maybe. Except Stepanie looked at my super faint evaporation line thing and pronounced that she too could see something. See, she too has super-TTC-exacto-xray vision. Even though we needed the light of a thousand suns to see the damn thing. So she wanted me to pee on a stick while she was there. And I didn't want to. And she said she'd got her best results in the afternoons so I might as well give it a shot. And I didn't want to. Eventually she wore me down. Well, OK, it didn't take that much work, but I did wait until we'd seen one movie and were part way through another.

So I went to pee on a stick. And then refused to look at it because I was quietly confident of the result. So she went into the bathroom at the 10-minute mark, and came back to the living room saying that she couldn't quite believe she was carrying someone else's used peestick. But she saw a line. And I have to be honest, so did I.

And then my stomach dropped to roughly the level of my knees. And my brain went on strike. And all the ice cream I'd just eaten during the first chick flick started to make its prescence known in my stomach. And I couldn't quite comprehend what might be happening.

Stephanie wanted me to take a digital test. It was the only other type of test I had in the house. But I'd just pee'd. It was the afternoon. I was VERY confident that, even if I could squeeze a few drops out, it would be very negative. Stephanie threatened, er sorry, offered to push my stomach in to force my bladder to work. I reluctantly went back to the bathroom and managed to squeeze out a few drops.

The digitial said the p-word.

Oh my!

So I lost all track of the movie, dragged Stephanie to Wal-mart against her better judgement and we went on an HPT-buying spree. I called my bestest blogger pal Cali on the way. I was in complete disbelief and still couldn't get my brain around the idea. And then we went to CVS , and bought more. We went home, I pee'd in a cup and dipped a couple more tests. The Equate was negative. The Accuclear was not negative.

So this morning I woke up at 4am because I was hot and my back hurt and I figured I may as well do the pee tests. I dipped four of them. The digital said "not pregnant". Oh, I thought. Not so good then. But the other three all came up with second lines. Within 10 minutes. An Equate, an Accuclear and a Fact Plus. Here's the prettiest one:

DSCF0105

Oh, OK, if you insist, here are all this morning's positives:

DSCF0107

Ummm, it might have worked, people. It might just have worked. They're a bit faint but that's not really surprising as yesterday's test was negative. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, and hopefully I'll get a positive digital again. But I'm cautiously optimistic for now. Which for a bitter infertile is as close to celebrating as I'm going to get.

24 comments:

Rachel said...

I definitely can see a line! I'm on pins and needles!

Larisa said...

I can see ALL of those lines. Hoping this is the real deal for you.

Stephanie said...

I'm a star!! I've never starred in someone's blog before!! OH, my name in lights. How will I ever settle down now?

;-)


And hey, you *will* be testing the theory about getting better lines in the afternoon, RIGHT?

(Heh heh- you like that? *testing* the theory? I'm so punny.)

Imogen and David said...

I can see the lines! Hope this is it for you! :)

bleu said...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG THIS HAS MADE MY DAY MY WEEK MY MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!
I am absolutely over the moon for you Sarah!

June Bug Momma said...

OH MY GOLLY SARAH!!! WOO HOO!!! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! WOW!!! I AM JUMPING FOR JOY FOR YOU! YOU HAVE WAITED TOO LONG FOR THIS MOMENT!! I PRAY FOR A STRONG BETA!!!YES!!! THANX FOR MAKING MY DAY!!! ;) YOU HAVE TO BE ON CLOUD NINE RIGHT NOW!

Orodemniades said...

I believe this is the part where I say 'I told you so'? /preen

Congrats!!! :D :D :D

(I did actually verbally squee, if you were wondering)(hee!)

Kelly said...

THAT IS PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND! A LINE IS A LINE! YOU ARE PREGNANT! That is awesome!! Just a few more days until your test!! Hold on tight and keep POAS!!!!! CONGRATS!!!

calliope said...

totally logged on just for you, chica!!

& DUDE- there are lines on them thar tests!!!!!!!!!!

holy fuck. you are knocked up!!


wooooo hoooooooooooooo!!
(& I suck at being "cautiously optimistic - sorry)
xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Sarah, you are so awesome! I loved the lead up the the....BFP!!!! Yes! You did it! Congratulations!!! Now I must log on to FF so I can present you with the jumpy greens. :)

-Cindy

MargieInAZ said...

I just posted on our group on FF, but I'm just in awe. Tears are running down my face. OMG. I can't tell you how happy I am for you. You so deserve this.
XO XO XO XO XO XO

Care said...

A big cautiously optomistic WOOHOO from me too! Those are nice lines - better than the ones I had initially with E and C. I am cautiously optomistically thrilled for you! Congratulations!

serenity said...

Um yeah those are most definitely lines there. WOW. AWESOME!

(And yes, I know what you mean about the BFP thing - it's kind of amazing how the only emotion I had was utter shock. I SO didn't expect it to work.)

Big cautious WOOT from me too. Looking good so far!!!!

katty said...

Dear Sarah,
I am so thrilled to see these lines on your sticks.
I really really really really hope that this is the one for you.
I am so hoping for you.
And I am being cautious... not because I am doubtful but because it makes me feel safer.
I was cautious about my own pregnancy... and I ended up with two beautiful girls.
Sarah, I so hope.
Kxx

Kim said...

Holy crap! There's no mistaking those lines, S.! I'm so (cautiously) happy for you that I can't even pretend to be witty. I can't wait to hear/read how your beta goes. And of course, to the see pics that I know you'll be posting over the next couple of days. ;)

Woah... after all this time, I never thought I'd actually WANT to see pics of someone's pee sticks. Can't wait to see more of yours, tho.

That really sounds vaguely creepy, but I hope you know what I mean!

Anonymous said...

OMG! I am so happy for you! FANTASTIC. You have been so brave through this. Fingers crossed for continued good luck ... Best, Anne (fellow Floridian to the north)

Stephanie said...

Soooo, has there been more pee???


(Yes, I'm a pee pusher. I admit it. I need help.)

Kate said...

OMG. Best news to come home from work to EVER. I understand the caution (lord do I after my experiences) but want to give you a really low-volume woooooo!!! anyway. I'm so, so cautiously excited for you.

Great big hugs of optimism!

Anonymous said...

Best of luck!

Shan said...

Oh my gosh Sarah!!!!! Congrats a thousand times over...it has been a long time coming.

xoxo,
Shan

Sara said...

How absolutely fantastic! Those are nice lines for only 12 dpo. I think this might be IT!

Congrats, and good luck with the beta.

Mony said...

It is hard to argue with all those lines, wow!

Thalia said...

fantastic news sarah, it's pretty early still so I'm assuming by day 14 it will be a great result.

Erin said...

Congratulations!