Monday, August 27, 2007


I'm feeling quite glum today. I'm not sure why. I guess it's partly because I didn't have any social contact with anyone over the weekend, and it brought home just how much I have cut myself off from the world while doing all these fertility treatments. It was too much for my friends to keep up with - is Sarah going out this weekend? Drinking or not drinking? Dieting or not dieting? Too tired to do anything? Too miserable? After a while, I guess there's no point in even asking. And then again, I don't want to ask them to go out. Even though I could drink and stay out late right now, I have lost interest in all that completely. I just want to do "old people" stuff. Well, if I'm being really honest, I'm just bored by everything. All I want to be doing is playing with my kids and every day that that doesn't happen is another day wasted, really.

So I don't quite know what's going on with my life. I have sacrificed everything to the holy grail of getting pregnant and now I'm left with a pale imitation of a humdrum life. In which I sit at home and read, and then go out and punish myself with a long walk or jog to try desperately to lose some of the blubber which I am now surrounded with. All the while mooning over the hot acu who will no doubt never have any interest in me because of said blubber.

Oh well. At least the diet is under control, so maybe I'll have lost some weight by the time I step on the scale on Friday.

I suppose part of my glumness is due to my upcoming WTF consultation with Dr. S. It's tomorrow, and I am all kinds of nervous. Not that I have anything to be nervous about, necessarily, but I want to make sure I don't forget any of my questions, and that I come away with an action plan and a stim protocol that will give me some hope that I might have a better cycle. God, I just want this to work, already.


calliope said...

the glums suck.
I totally know what you mean about this phase of socialness. It's like being trapped in a weird sort of purgatory: drinking and partying as if you had no cares in the world on one side, going to the park with your kids on the other.
or something like that.

I hope tomorrow provides you with a solid plan of action.

June Bug Momma said...

{{{{{{{big hugs for Sarah}}}}}}}}} I hope you feel better soon. I do know what it feels like to feel so glum, such a deep dark lonely place. I hope it's just a temporary feeling. I will let you know, that I have hope and faith that your next cycle will be a winner!!! ;o)

Rachel said...

I'm sorry you feel so crappy. I can relate to your feelings, though. I don't feel like I have much to talk about with my old friends anymore. I hate that feeling.

Don't know if you're up to it, but when I was single and feeling completely cut off, I forced myself onto internet dating sites. I figured, it's better than sitting at home, and if it sucks I'll be no worse off than I am now.

And then I met T. But I don't know if you're up for that right now. I mean, are you going to talk about your failed treatments? But, maybe you can find something to talk about? I don't know. It's just assvice I guess. Good luck.


Heather said...

I get glum too. I hope it passes quickly for you.

katty said...

I hope it passes soon.
And I want it to work for you as well.

bleu said...

I am just here, hearing you and sending love.