Mulling

At times this weekend, it has felt like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more cycling! No more shots, no more hormone crazies, no more RE appointments (unless I do a donor embryo cycle, caveat, caveat, blah blah blah). No more spending crazy sums of money every single fucking month on something or other. No more prenatals. No more herbs. No more caring. It at times has made me positively giddy and made me want to laugh out loud. I mailed off some of the contents of my IVF meds box on Saturday, and although it's still a giant box of stuff, the act of giving away some of my leftovers felt very freeing.

And then of course the inevitable flip would happen, and I'd go back to feeling sad that my ovaries are so fucking broken that I couldn't produce a normal egg out of the 70+ that I tried with. I tried to call my dad to tell him about the lack of genetic grandchildren coming from me, but I never managed to connect with him. It's a call that's been weighing on my mind, as I know he would dearly love to have grandchildren and my brother is a lost cause. However, hopefully I can keep hope alive for him by telling him about maybe adopting, or maybe meeting a hot guy at acu school and miraculously getting knocked up the old fashioned way (*snort!* *guffaw*). Or prepare him for the possibility of nothing at all.

It's a strange state to be in. I trolled around an adoption board this weekend, and became all choked and teary when I watched a photo montage one of the moms put together about picking her daughter up from Guatemala. It seems like such a great way forward for me. And yet. And yet. Here I am going back to school, and the sensible people in my life tell me that there's no way I can care for a baby while at school and working, because my schedule will be so crazy. Of course, they were the same people telling me not to sign up for school until after I knew the outcome of this cycle because if it had succeeded there was no way I could care for a baby while at school. I figure if it is meant to be, I will find a way somehow. They are right, though, it would be much more difficult than if I was just working full time. And then the cost scares me rigid. Do I try to go with the state, knowing that healthy infants are few and far between? [But then again, maybe waiting a year or two for an infant would be a good thing, as it would get me closer to the end of school.] Or do I try to save up to pay for an agency? And how on earth do you save while working part time? Although there is still the option of renting out a room in my house to bring in extra cash so I guess that could go into the adoption fund. Do I go with donor embryo on the basis that it is cheaper than adoption, but then I am probably not going to opt for maternity coverage on my health insurance, so I'd have to look into whether that's something I can add in prior to a cycle just in case. And then what if I got knocked up with twins which I guess is more likely with young, healthy embryos? How would I handle a complicated pregnancy while going to school 40 miles away and knowing that I would no longer be paid for sick leave once I'm a part timer?

Anyway, there's plenty of time to mull over these options. I'm not going to take any action until the new year, I have decided. I am going to force myself to NOT sign up for anything for six months, so that I can let the dust settle. And there's all that working on the house to do. I spent the weekend pressure washing the patio/pool deck in my back yard (I would have done before and after photos but the "before" was so embarrassing that I decided not to). It was quite satisfying, actually, to blast away the black slimy grime that has collected over the years and to reveal pristine whiteness underneath. It felt somehow symbolic for blasting away the black slimy IF grime that has collected on my soul.