The end of the end.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
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About Me
My History
I decided to try to become a single mother by choice (SMC) at the age of 36 using donor sperm. Nearly 4 years, 8 IUI's, 8 fresh IVFs, 1 frozen IVF (FET) cycle, 1 laparoscopy, 2 HSG's, 1 SHG, 3 RE's, 5 acupuncturists, 4 sperm donors, 1 therapist and 2 whacky new age therapies later with no success to show for it, I stopped treatment. I am heading to acupuncture school as I want to radically change my life. I am also debating the next steps on my quest to become a mother. Will it be adoption, donor embryo, donor eggs or will I stop altogether and live child free?
(In)Fertility Links
SMC blogs
IF/pg/baby/kid blogs
- A Little Pregnant
- Almamay's Infertility Journey
- Birch and Maple
- Coming 2 Terms
- Faggots on the Third Floor
- Good Times, Good Times
- Here Be Hippogriffs
- I'm A Smart One
- Infertility, Yoga and Chocolate
- Lies My Mother Told Me
- Max Makes 3
- My Goddess Within
- No Pea In The Podcast
- Pamplemousse
- Sadness Euphoria
- Serenity Now
- So Close
- Sticky Feet
- Thalia's Fertility Journey
- The Smarshy Files
- The Waiting Womb
- Twisted Ovaries
- Unwellness
- Uterus x 2
Just good stuff
Blog Archive
-
▼
2008
(295)
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June
(25)
- Disoriented
- Well, crap.
- Dreading
- Regrets, I've had a few
- After, number 1
- Mulling
- Not doing too bad, considering
- All the Embryos Stopped Growing
- The Fear
- Pleasantly Surprised by People
- Good news!!!!
- Day 3
- Cross-country travel
- Fertilization report
- I am not a number, I am a free man
- IVF Musings
- No, just fat
- Numbers, numbers
- On finding peace
- Las Vegas: not exactly set up for pedestrians
- Weekend with triplets
- And my heart cracked open
- Why is it...
- Score!
- Surrounded by idiots
-
▼
June
(25)
Labels
- Adoption adventures (5)
- And then there was boozing (21)
- Cholesterol and IVF? (10)
- Clear Passage (15)
- Dithering about donors (7)
- FET #1 and only (37)
- Hepatitis schmepatitis (10)
- IVF #3 (35)
- IVF #4 (43)
- IVF #5 (25)
- IVF #5 revisited (43)
- IVF #6 (41)
- IVF #6? (11)
- IVF #7: gambling in Vegas (38)
- IVF #8: the end (20)
- On the therapist's couch (4)
- Pins and needles (25)
- Skool Daze (26)
- Wailing and gnashing of teeth (7)
64 comments:
Nooooooooooooo!!! OMG Sarah!!! :o( I'm so very sorry!!! I truely though you had a very good chance!!! *huge hugs*
I'm in shock. Oh Sarah. I'm so upset for you. (((hug)))
wow, I am sooo sorry. There really are no words. Take care of you.
It's been a while since we have "talked" on FF but I have been following your blog. I'm so hugely giantly horribly sorry this happened. There are just no words except noooo nooooooooo noooooooooooooooooooooooo. :(
I'm so very sorry, and so wish that this could have ended differently. I don't know what else to say. As you said, five years from now you'll still be a strong, healthy, happy woman, whether you're a mother or not - but I wish this cycle could have been a miraculous success.
Kat
Oh, fuck. I'm so, so sorry, Sarah. How shocking and horrible. (((you)))
i'm so sorry...
(((((hugs)))))
I am just shaken to my core and so sorry Sarah.
What fresh hell?
I'm sorry :(
I'm so very sorry! There aren't any other words... just heartbroken for you. (((hugs))) Kimnlogan
goddamn.
i'm really, really sorry.
I'm so, so sorry Sarah.
Oh Sarah, I am so very sorry.
Oh, Sarah. I am so very sorry.
I'm so sorry to hear this news - it's just awful. My heart goes out to you.
total shock
love you.
Hi Sarah. I am so sorry. I too have struggled with IVF and have been drawn to your story and your commitment to this process. I have Prayed for you everyday.
I am so sorry. I know right now nothing really helps.
I'll continue to keep your in my Prayers.
Amy
I'm so sorry
Oh Sarah!!! I am so sorry....there just aren't any words to help, but God Bless you...
I am so sorry, Sarah.
Sarah, I am so incredibly sorry.
Oh Sarah. This is shocking! I am so very sorry.
OMG!!! I am so very sorry to read this!! I am so so sorry!!!
Ceecee
I am so sorry, Sarah.
I don't know if this helps, but your kid is (or soon will be) out there. And this child is going to need you. You are going to be a mom, don't give up hope!!
And I think it's very interesting you had a dream about adoption last night...your subconscious was just trying to remind you not to give up on the dream of motherhood.
There are no words. I'm sorry just isn't enough. Deb (deb2you2)
I am so sorry.
Just a lurker who has been following your journey...I too have been through IUI and IVF hell for over 2 years, with only a chemical pregnancy that lasted all of a week to show for it. I am so sorry to hear that this cycle did not work out for you. Keep your head up...you will be a momma some day, and there are many ways to get there. I am now considering donor egg...some 22 year olds eggs have got to be better than my 42 year old ones...It is a process...but it is a baby I want and I realize that genetics is not the be all end all...once they put a baby in your arms, it is yours and you will love them, and you will be their momma. I wish you all the best.
Oh Sarah, words fail me. I can't even imagine how devastated you must feel...I am beyond shocked and sorry at this news.
I'm so very sorry.
I'm shocked... and so sorry.
I guess that is closure, isn't it?
Take care of yourself. Drink lots, cry if you need to...
We're all thinking of you over on the ff recyclers board.
*hugs*
Oh gawd, Sarah. Hope is such a bitch, and that marker positive stuff ... well, just not fair. There's nothing I can say to make this better, of course, but I hope you can continue to process all of this in the spirit of your recent epiphany. But still, it just sucks and there's no way around that.
((((Sarah)))))
Jo
There are just no adequate words... my heart breaks with your news. I'm so very sorry.
Oh Sarah, I'm completely shocked and speechless. It just can't be...
I'm so very, very sorry.
xoxoxoxox
-Margie
Oh Sarah. I don't think there are any words apart from I'm sorry.
God I'm so sorry.
All of us recyclers are still cheering for you, even right here at the "end".
Love and hugs
Tricia xxxx
Holy fuck - I'm shocked and sickened, I can't even imagine how you're feeling. Shit, I'm so so sorry Sarah.
Oh, I am so sorry. I have been checking like crazy and just can't believe the end was so abrupt. I am sending love and strength your way. So, so sorry.
Sarah I'm so sorry. Sometimes there are no words. Lots of hugs,
Laurie (from FF)
That sucks. I'm so sorry.
Sarah - So sorry to read your news. You have your answer, but it really sucks nonetheless. Hang in there.
So sorry Sarah...I wish there was more I could say. Thinking of you.
Here from Cali's place to say how sorry I am.
I am so sorry Sarah!
Sarah - That is so unfair. I'm so very sorry.
Harding
I am so sorry... like others have said, it is so unfair.
FFUUUUUUUDDDGGGE.. I am so so sorry. Not fair at all.
I'm so sorry. Those words are so inadequate, but I am sorry just the same.
Sarah,
Truly truly sorry. Thinking of you.
Ixx
I am so sorry for your loss.
so so sorry.
Feel your grief, of course. But dont forget Sarah, that your "heart cracked open".
IVF#8 is not the end, it is your beginning.
Most fondly,
Margaret (a stalker and supporter for along time, but have never posted. You have inspired and enthralled me on so many occassions with your incredible wit and gut wrenching honesty....And damn girl you can write. If poking people with needles doesnt work out, think "author".)
I am so sorry.
I am so , so sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Nothing to say except I am so damn sorry. Will be keeping you in my thoughts. So. Sorry.
came here from lost and found. I am so sorry
I'm so sorry.
(((HUGS)))
So sorry this has happened to you.
I've been following you for a while, but don't think I've commented before. Just wanted you to know how sorry I am to hear your news. Just really, really sorry.
I too have been following your story for sometime, I come from the smc board. I am so very sorry, it is so not fair. This may be the end of this particular path but it does not have to be the end for your dream of being a mom. Sending hope, peace and love your way.
It is so not fair. I am so sorry Sarah.
Please be kind to yourself.
I'm so sorry Sarah. I really am. I know how badly you wanted a bio child. I secretly wish you'd do donor embryos. I know that you were afraid that there was an extremely slim chance that you wouldn't feel the same as you would as a bio child. But, I don't think that is possible for you. You just would love the child with all your heart, it's just a leap of faith. But only you knoww what is right for you, of course. Good luck, and I'm really looking forward to reading about the next chapters in your life with our without children.
shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!! Sarah, I'm so, so sorry it went this way. Yes, your heart did open recently, but that doesn't mean you don't get to feel bad about this. Take your time, and take care of yourself. Sending many hugs south and a little east, straight to you. Love, Kate
(((Sarah))) - I'm so very sorry.
sarah...
i am so very sorry tha this journey is bookended this way, but there will be light on the other side.
thinking of you and sending you peace...
joanie, serial lurker
I am so so sorry. Sending lots of hugs your way. *hugs*
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