Sunday, August 13, 2006

Snow white and the negative pregnancy test

This morning's test was just as negative as yesterday's. It was as white as the driven snow. So it looks like it really is true. I am now a failure at 2 IVF's. Or is it 3? I'm never quite sure whether to count that cancelled cycle. I mean, anyone who has either been cancelled or has been in danger of cancellation in an IVF cycle knows that it isn't just another IUI cycle. It is scary and heartbreaking and terrible and depressing in a way that no IUI cycle can be. But then, I didn't go through egg retrieval and transfer so I guess I shouldn't really count it.

So let's say 2 IVF's then. I have had 7 embryos placed into my uterus. None of them have taken.


Is there a reason why? Is it really just random chance? Is it just a question of laying the golden egg? If the eggs are so bad, why are they fertilizing to be embryos? Is is karma? Is it because I did something bad? Because I'm single? Have I been eating the wrong things for too many years? Is it because I'm vegetarian? Do I eat too much soy? Cheese? Pasta? Have I eaten too little protein? Is it because I don't go to church enough? It is just my age?

If I knew what the culprit was, I would cut it out of my life or add it in an instant. Well, I can't exactly change my age, though I guess I could live on wheatgrass and spirulina and raw food or something to try to help. And I'd have to think long and hard about eating meat again. Really not sure I could do that. But apart from those, yes, I could even give up pasta for a few months.

Anyway, I was told yesterday that at least I was being upbeat about all this. Upbeat? Upbeat? Oh let me just go and celebrate the fact that I spent $14,000 or thereabouts for absofuckinglutely nothing. No, blogosphere, I am not upbeat. I am doing what is called "putting a brave face on". I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. I don't believe in lying around the house moaning "woe is me" for any longer than absolutely necessary. Obviously, you've got to have a good cry and rage against the machine at some point but there's no advantage to be gained in wallowing. Last time I did way too much wallowing in the bottoms of wine bottles and ice cream cartons, and look where it got me - sucky embryos and a fat arse. I'd rather be making plans for how to improve next time. This time, I'd rather not depress myself by thinking just how sucky my eggs must be, thank you very much. Maybe if I had a husband I might lie around for longer crying, because I'd have an audience, and I find that having an audience encourages some behaviors. But the cat doesn't care if I cry or laugh. Just so long as she is in a situation where some purring is in order, she's pretty happy.

So, planning is what I have been doing. And spending money on new vitamins, new books, new diets, new yoga DVD's. I have been out jogging (badly - I'm VERY out of shape!). I have been hungry because I am determined to lose some of this weight I have gained. I am going to give the next cycle my all. I will try to be as healthy as I can possibly be so that I can never say I didn't try as hard as I possibly could. The trouble is, it is so hard to find out what you have to do to be healthy. Randine Lewis would have me give up dairy. And eat lots of soy. Other health gurus say that soy is poison. Others say that yogurt is necessary. Others say that I must cut out sugar at all cost. Well, I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. Isn't that what life is all about? Figuring out as we go along how to deal with the crap hand we've been dealt.


Cindy said...

It is so hard to figure out, isn't it? Diet change, exercise, relaxation, acu, yoga, DVD, etc. I guess by doing everything you can think of you will know you have tried even harder than you already have. And, girl, you have tried way hard already.

I am glad you are going full steam ahead and onto your next try. But, I can't imagine that anyone would be upbeat about what's happened. I'm so sorry about today's BFN. I am still holding out hope that maybe tomorrow's will be positive.

Hang in there. Even though you might not feel like it you are really an inspiriation.

namaste said...

I wish I had something brilliant and life-changing to say. But I don't. Other than that I'm thinking about you and wishing for you and I wish I knew what the answer was so that I could tell you. Your doctor doesn't have any ideas? Many many hugs and warm thoughts headed your way. xoxo

katty said...

I'm very sorry Sarah.

Calliope said...

let's call up this Randine & see if she can do a phone consult or something.

man I wish I knew how to fix all of this. It fucking sucks.