The disappointment

Slowly, I am sinking into a fog of disappointment. It is not as bad as the pit of despair, but it still takes up my waking hours in wondering why this is happening. I know that there's really no answer to "why" in the grand sense of "why is the universe doing this to me?", at least not an answer that can be given to me by a live human being. But I've been looking for an answer to the small "why?". The thought that maybe there's still a hormone imbalance, or an immune system imbalance, or a physical issue like adhesions that is preventing me from conceiving a healthy baby. And then I wonder what those problems might be, and then I wonder how I might "fix" them. What more supplements I can take. What other acupuncture points I can have stimulated. What other Chinese herbs I can take. What other dietary modifications I can make.

And then I wonder why on earth I am wasting so much of my freaking life going over this again. And that's when the disappointment really hits. The disappointment that I am still stuck. I feel like I am stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" where I have to keep reliving the failed cycles over and over again until I can get it absolutely perfect and end up pregnant, so that at last I have a way out of this nightmare. The disappointment that I am being left in the infertility dust by more and more people who have finally managed to get knocked up, and that the circle of my non-pregnant internet and real-life friends shrinks all the time. I hate it for all of us that are still here, wondering "when is it my turn?" I mean, I'm happy for those that make it out of the darkness, but oh so jealous at the same time.

I'm so disappointed that I didn't get knocked up quickly. That I don't already have a child and the life I envisaged. I'm disappointed that two IVF's have not worked. I have thrown my money and the best of modern medicine at the problem, and have come away empty handed. I'm disappointed that other people seem to do 3 months of acupuncture, and presto! Everything fixed! Why have I been doing it for 16 months through three acupuncturists (two of whom are supposed to be fertility experts) and am still only making baby steps of improvements? I'm so disappointed at the energy this has sucked out of my life.

I'm so disappointed that I have failed my body with the wrong choices in life, and yet still have no information as to which choices they were, precisely why they were wrong and how I can rectify the situation. It's odd that infertiles are supposed to feel that our bodies have failed us. One of my meditation CDs exhorts us not to think of words like "broken" to define our bodies. And yet I feel completely the opposite. I have always felt that my body was a great ally to me, and will do exactly what it is supposed to based on the choices I make. If I exercise, it gets toned up. If I eat ice cream, it gets fat. If I drink caffeine, I stay awake and don't sleep. If I eat bad food, it throws it up. So, I feel that any part of my body that I'm not happy with is entirely due to my own stupidity and lack of willpower to resist the siren call of chocolate. My body gives me what it is supposed to. So maybe that's why I run around in my head constantly trying to find out how I failed it so it can't orchestrate everything for conception. If I could find the key problem and change it, I have faith that my body can heal. However, there's that old disappointment thing again. I am disappointed that I can't find the damn key to unlock myself.