Thursday, August 10, 2006

The pit of despair

I started to post yesterday all about the shitty time I am having at work, particularly dealing with one jackass in particular. But then I decided that I didn't want to get Dooced so I canned it. Sigh. I can't stand working with jackasses, and this one takes things one step further by blaming absolutely everyone else for his difficulties. So he hates working with me because I am always on his ass about getting the work done, and he passively aggressively bc'd the big boss on an email he sent to me full of excuses about how its our fault that things have been inefficient. And for the record, I'm not always on his ass, but when it takes 5 or 6 iterations to get a project correct so I have to spend hours correcting his work when it should take me 20 minutes to review and approve it, I'm going to start getting pissed off. I'm also not going to want to see the same project day after day after freakin' day and at some point am going to ask for it just to get out the damn door.

Heh, maybe I'm a bitch, maybe not, but someone needs to have their ass fired around here, and it's not me. Well, actually they probably should fire me for the amount of time I spend thinking about my ovaries and not doing productive work, but that's another story. At least I'm not disruptive to others.

Anyway, onto baby-related things. I have fallen into the despair pit, and I can't get out. I can't imagine this working with just 4-cell embryos. I see so many people with all these gorgeous over-achieving embryos and I worry about my little slow pokes. I worry about my egg quality and if this ever going to work. I worry about my clinic and if they're any good. I mean, they're big and they get plenty of people pregnant, but their success rates aren't exactly stellar. I'm wondering whether to cut my losses and run to another clinic now, or whether to give them one more opportunity. If I go to another clinic, it'll be an out-of-state one so I can do an IVF vacation, so that'll have to be next year. During the waiting period I could fit in another IVF here. But then again, should I be doing that? Should I go back to unmedicated IUI's in the waiting period? It seems like they have as much chance of working as an IVF. But each unmedicated IUI is like $1400 a cycle because my clinic wants to do two IUIs each time, and two vials of sperm don't come cheap. I could be using that time to save money for the next IVF. Ugh, decisions, decisions.

And, I know, it's just too damn early to be thinking the doom and gloom thoughts, but that's the fault of the despair pit. It's just full of the dank dark stench of failure which insidiously pervades my brain and prevents me from thinking happy thoughts about my babies. I must, I must be happy and optimistic. If anyone has any quick and easy "get happy" ideas, I'd love to hear them. The vat of ice cream I downed yesterday didn't help and alcohol is verboten, so I may have to move on to chocolate today. Sigh. My waistline is not going to thank me.


namaste said...

A lot of this sadness going around, huh? I wish I had some suggestions to offer, but I've got nothing for you but a virtual hug. This stuff is just brutal. Ugh.

margieinaz said...

Sarah, Just wanted to send you hugs. I know how hard the wait is, and all the speculations on what to do if this doesn't work, etc.
Try to stay positive, if you can.
In the meantime, vent all you want.

Anonymous said...


Have you given any thought to using a known donor? I usually don't recommend it, but if I were running out of money and the medical route was not working for me, I think I'd rather try with a known donor than not try at all.

- Rae