Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The morning after

Thanks for the kind words, it really helps. Now the reality is setting in. I really have been through 2 IVF cycles and I have nothing to show for it. If I was unclear before about whether I was infertile (and for the record, no I wasn't), this is really rubbing my face into the pile of infertility dogshit. This is the universe setting up a billboard opposite my home with 20-foot high words on it saying: You Are Barren.

It is better and worse than the failure from the first IVF. That first cycle, I had hope. I mean, IVF is supposed to work, isn't it? So, it was devastating when it failed. But then, most people have success on IVF#2 if they don't succeed on IVF#1, so while this is less devastating in certain ways because I was less hopeful, it is more devastating because I must be more infertile than the average person if I can fail twice. There's more of a panicky feeling of "what if it NEVER works?". There's more of a realization that I may have to face life after infertility without a baby in my arms.

But I am not ready to give up. I'm only 37 for eff's sake. My eggs shouldn't have completely conked out by now. I should still have some fertility left. Somehow I just need to make sure that I grow the magic golden egg, that it fertilizes and that it implants. Seems simple enough, huh? If only there was an instruction book that came with all this.

Anyway, I was quite restrained with the wine yesterday, I think. I had three 6-oz glasses. Which is way less than I'd normally have had using my bucket-sized red wine glasses. See? I'm learning restraint already. Although I did have some ice cream, but they were Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches, so it wasn't as bad as having a vat of full-fat gorgeousness. I spent the night reading "The Sonoma Diet" which arrived yesterday from Amazon. A friend of mine has been raving about it, but to be honest it looks pretty hard to do because a) the portion sizes are teeny weeny, and b) it isn't exactly vegetarian friendly. But I'm going to give it a go, with a few modifications, because it is at least based on healthy food, which is what I need to be eating. So, it's off to the supermarket tonight to stock up on veggies and such. I can and I will do this. I think that's my new motto. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and if I can stick 1.5" needles in my own butt and go through IVF, I can damn well be hungry for a few days. I can damn well get off my arse and exercise, and I can damn well cook something in the evening rather than nuking a pre-prepared meal.

***Edited to Add***

Ever one to take the bull by the horns, I figured I might as well book my post-IVF follow-up appointment now. I'd rather do it early, even though I don't intend to cycle until November, because a) they might charge me for it if I leave it too late, and as this is the only free appointment they do I'm not about to pass up the opportunity to save some moolah, and b) I'm going to ask (yet again) for lots more tests, like immune system tests and a sonohystogram to see if my polyps have come back, so it'd be nice to have time to get those done. My appointment is for September 1st.


namaste said...

They'd better have some answers on September 1. Seriously!

I'll be counting down the days until that appointment with you. xo

Calliope said...

very, very groovy about Sept. 1st.

Someone just told me about a diet called "smash" or something like that- it is what they use for the celebrity fit club. I think it is done in phases - like south beach- but seems to be very veggie based. I'm going to see if I can find the plan on line w/o having to buy a book.