Sunday, June 18, 2006

Uh oh

Hmmmm, an interesting conversation with my brother today.

A few weeks (months?) ago, I can't remember exactly when, I was talking with my big bro' on the phone, and was telling him about my baby making exploits. Somehow the conversation got onto the subject of donor eggs. I said I didn't want to do that because I would lose that genetic connection, and its not as if I'm married and have a husband who's baby I want to have. I mentioned that there was one way I could maintain the genetic connection but it would involve him.

[OK, now is the moment when you all figure out what I was talking about and go "ewwwwwww". Yes, I mean my brother being my sperm donor, but if and only if I used donor eggs. Freaky, I know, but hey, a girl has to consider everything.]

He said he'd think about it, then later on in the conversation he said "wait, would I be dad or uncle and would you be mom or aunt?". I didn't respond to that question, because, well, I'm not planning on seriously considering donor eggs anytime soon. And lets face it, I would need to squash any ideas of him being the dad very quickly.

So I forgot about the conversation. I called him today to see how he was doing. Quite quickly he said that he'd been mulling over our conversation, and while it would be freaky, he said that because I'm his little sister and he loves me, he'd be behind me 100% if I chose to use donor eggs and wanted him to help out. I thanked him very much for being so sweet and so kind, and reminded him that I hope it will never come to that because I hope that Plan A will work out.

OK, fine. What's the problem?

Well, see, the thing is, he seemed a little too keen. A little too like he'd been obssessing about the whole subject ever since we spoke. A little like he was building castles in the sky imagining "his" kids and being involved in their lives, and worse still, imagining himself as their dad. You see, my brother is also still single, and his life is frankly not in a good place right now. I got the impression that he'd been building this little fantasy life for the last few weeks. Hell, maybe he even has visions of me dying in a car crash, and him getting to raise the kids himself. I wouldn't put it past him. And of course, I have always intended to write in my will that if I die my kids will not go to him to be raised because he's such a mess. I can only imagine the problems if I did this and he was their genetic father. Oy. I should never have opened Pandora's box. I should never even have implied that any such box or anyone named Pandora exists or ever had existed or been part of a myth since the dawn of humanity. I don't know what I was thinking when I first mentioned it to him.

So now I can see that that option is out. It can't and won't happen. Of course, I hope with all my heart that my next IVF will work, or the IVF after that, and that my eggs will come through for me. But if they don't, I need to kiss all dreams of a genetic connection or in fact of ever having kids away. And maybe that's not such a bad thing. But now not only will I have to deal with my own grieving, I'll have to let my brother down as well and tell him that he isn't going to be my baby daddy. Oh well, you live and learn. At least I know now and didn't actually put any serious thought into this, but damn it this IVF better work this time!!

1 comment:

Orodemniades said...

Aww, it's still sweet (right?) of him to be obsessing over it...okay, it's a little creepy, too, but only in the best way!

Should I stop typing now?