Thursday, June 29, 2006

The hormone monster

I have tried to write this post a few times, but it is just not coming out right! Basically I've been feeling in such a funk lately, and now it's spiralling into despair. I have been fighting with my friend K. and we stopped talking to one another for a few days. Yesterday I tried to apologize, and we ended up fighting again and just made it worse. And I feel like such a heel because she's in her last month of pregnancy and I know that her hormones are just going crazy so I shouldn't expect her to be rational about things. But she accuses me of something, and I just go back at her like I'm a 5-year old whining that life isn't fair. So what if she thinks that I'm mad because she's back at work. So what if she's going around to other people complaining to other people that I'm mad that she's not put herself voluntarily on bed rest. For the record, I am not mad at her for those reasons. I am mad at her for stupid ridiculous things that normally wouldn't bother me, like her being a control freak with the work, like her arguing with me that she can get through her backlog without my help when I know she can't and I know that the minute she does go on maternity leave it will all be left to me again to devote time to figuring out what's going on with her stuff. But I should be the bigger person and not get involved in an argument over this stuff. I should be able to smile sweetly and negotiate around things so that she wants us to help clear her desk before she leaves.

But last night, after having made it worse when I tried to apologize, I just felt terrible. I felt like I wanted to get off this stupid infertility roller coaster. I just wanted to stop the BCPs, put the brakes on my IVF cycle and run away to The Findhorn Community in Scotland to find myself. I wanted a new job, a new town, a new life so I could start again. I wanted the pain to end. Because clearly I have become a horrible person if I can't refrain from antagonizing a pregnant woman in her final weeks. And I just don't know how to continue every day putting those pills in my mouth when I know it's turning me into a monster.

*Sigh*. But they say that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? So I guess I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.


Calliope said...

so sorry. but just as you excuse her for her hormones- YOU are just as much a victim of hormones gone crazy as well. Go easy on her & go easy on yourself.

just a couple more days until the weekend & then you can lay low.


namaste said...

Or... maybe, just maybe, she is being a little difficult, and it's not the nasty bcp's. Maybe you have every right to be irritable and frustrated and are not a bad friend or a terrible person. The hardest part about this stupid hormonal treatment crap we're going through is that it's so difficult to figure out what moods we're entitled to and which ones are medication induced. Take it easy on yourself and hang in there. Only one more day till the weekend...

namaste said...

Oh cool! I just noticed that I made your blog list! I am honored to have been found worthy of your reading, since I log on every day looking forward to seeing what you and Calliope are up to. You just made my day! :)