Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Infertility is like losing weight

Stephanie emailed me another great analogy yesterday that I'd like to share with you (with her permission). And then I might stop bashing Saturday's commenter. Or I might not.

Stephanie said:

It's always hard to know what the right thing is to do. Sometimes I think of it like trying on clothes while losing weight. You know, like shopping in your own closet?

I have this pair of jeans that just don't fit. I've lost nearly 30 lbs and they still just don't fit. They're better but, still just not right. I have a pair of shorts that I've been hanging onto, however. I tried them at 10lbs and no luck. 20 was better but, not quite. 27 was that magic number and, out of the blue, I decided to try them on and they zipped and buttoned and looked perfect.

I guess that different IF options are like those clothes- you just have to keep trying them on until you either give them away or they fit just right. I guess you just never know exactly when that will happen. And, no matter how much thought or work you put into it, when it fits just right, it always seems a bit like a surprise.

YES!!! I mean, not only YESSSSS for Steph losing nearly 30 lbs, but I think it's so apt. It's like accepting that I need to move on from my own eggs is those size 8 pairs of pants that clutter up my closet (donor eggs being the jeans, adoption being the shorts, and donor embryo being the work pants). I want to get into them. I know I should be able to get into them. But I can't magically put them on without being ready for it - without having done the work and lost the weight. And I don't know which pair of pants will fit me best once I finally DO lose the weight, but I know that one or all of them eventually will. However, even if they do all fit, I may decide that they are not ME any more, and may give them all away to go out and buy new things.

Saturday's commenter is essentially saying to me "Sarah, you are FUCKING FAT. You should be wearing size 8 pants. In fact, you should have been wearing size 8 pants 2 years ago. You should NEVER have gained this weight, and I don't know WHY you aren't wearing size 8 pants, because I AM. You are FUCKING LAME. You should have known that there was never any hope of not gaining weight by repeatedly stuffing pizza in your piehole, you FAT FUCK. "

Instead, Saturday's commenter could have been more helpful and said something like "Sarah, I know you're not happy at that weight. I don't know if it'd help you or not, but I did Weight Watchers, and it was awesome for me. I feel so much better and am just so content with life now. I really want that for you too, because I just know you'd be happier. If you lost the weight, you'd fit back in those size 8's that you've hung on to. But I know that WW doesn't work for everyone - my friend did hypnosis and learned to hate pizza. I have another friend that had a gastric bypass, though that might be a bit drastic for you. But, you know, whatever works. In any case, I'm going to be cheering you on all the way until you get there too - or until you realize that you're wonderful just the way you are and stop wanting to lose the weight."

See the difference, commenter?


By the way, you are all invited to a launch party tomorrow for a new little venture of mine. Get your little black dresses and high heels ready. Champagne will be served.


calliope said...

that Stephanie is SMART. & high five on the weight loss, Stephanie!!

TOTALLY another great analogy- & I kind of dig it more because it is a physical comparison. Because making choices about infertility treatments isn't all mental. Many times it is totally physical.

I still can't get my head around the Saturday comments.

But SO looking forward to your launch tomorrow!!! yay!!

Pamela Jeanne said...

I'm still reeling about the gall of the Saturday commenter who felt so free to attack and with such self-righteousness. Really, I just don't get how that helps anyone...
Sorry you had to be the target of such vitriol.

Stephanie said...

LOL, you crack me up, girlie!

I've got my dress ready but, where am I going??

Sam said...

Party? YAY I love parties. Wait-do I have to be social? Can I just stand in the corner and cheer? Do I have to shave my legs? I just shaved them last week. Please don't make me shave them again.

Alacrity said...

Treatment options are like skinny jeans.

Love it!

Tricia said...

Ooooooh.....did someone say party?? And alcohol?
I am SO there!

Alex said...

Lovely analogy.

I haven't commented since that silly Saturday business (the commenter's not yours, obviously), but the other point that I keep coming to is...we are talking about forming a lifelong, and very unbalanced, relationship. We are talking about parenting. Surely no one would say it is a good idea to become a parent before you are ready to...by whatever route. I'm not saying it's never happened (becoming a parent without planning to) without turning out well, but really -- should someone conceive a child or bring a child into their lives (by whatever means) if they aren't entirely comfortable, at ease, at peace, with the route they have chosen? I'd say not...whether the problem is discomfort with the identity of the other parent(s), be that genetic father, mother, birthparent, whatever, or by the mechanism (conceiving, donor egg, adoption, whatever).

Because the size 8 jeans can be left hanging in the closet. But a child, not so much.