Monday, February 25, 2008

Hello internets

I am here.  Not pregnant, but here nonetheless.  

First, as many of you will have guessed, because you know me oh so well, there was drinking on Friday.  Despite my protestations of not having time to wallow due to my next cycle being so soon, there was wallowing.  There was a whole bottle of red wine, some decadently fattening food, Leonard Cohen played rather too loudly, and some sobbing.  And then on Saturday morning I went out and bought pretty flowers for the garden and planted.  It was all quite nice and healing really.  And while I did have a coffee yesterday and too much dietary fat, because I couldn't quite break the cycle that quickly, today I am determined to get back to being saintly.

I am in a sort of stunned disbelief that here I am, moving on to another IVF.  Normal people would have stopped the insanity by now and moved on.  But then again, normal people get pregnant through having sex, or if that doesn't work, on IUI numbers 1 through, oh, 4 or 5.  Or at the very, very worse, IVF #1 or 2.  There are no words to describe the surreality of it being me - ME! - that is the barren one.  Isn't this shit supposed to happen to other people, not me?

Well, enough whining.  I have grown to hate whining.  At least infertility has given me that.  Half the time I listen to or read other people whining I think "puh-lease.  This is nothing.  Give me an effing break already."  And the other half I think "holy crap, this is devastating.  How petty MY little worries seem when compared to what this person is going through."  When you think of dead babies, and sick children, and cancer, and loss of loved ones, and war, and famine, and disability, and many other things too numerous to mention, my lot in life is not so insurmountable.  And if I never have a child, at least I can say I gave it my all.

I am moving on with the plans for IVF#7.  Or do I call it #8 because the FET counts as a cycle?  Seven seems a more palatable number somehow, so we'll stick with that for now.  I've booked my hotel, my flight and a rental car.  Today I will pay the cycle fee to LV clinic and order the meds.  And then I'll be set.  Somehow I have to fit two cycles into the next month, which is freaking me out a tad, but oh well.  I'm tempted to ask if I can just start the BCP now and not bleed at all from this last go-around, but I'm not sure if they'll let me do that.  


suzzcq70 said...

I hear you. Loud and clear. You write well and get your feelings across. Thanks for that.

Go with IVF #7. Just add FET #1 to the list of been there done that. Sigh.

I applaud your tenacity. You're a rock.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sara-

You go ahead and whine. I am a firm believer in taking a moment to vent. I know it always makes me feel better. When I once asked a good friend why this shit always happens to me too, she had a very good answer. She said that everyone has a predetermined quantity of bad luck. Some spread it out over a lifetime, others use it up in one moment or situation.

Good luck on IVF# 7!

calliope said...

if anyone has earned the right to whine it is you. I mean for fuck's sake!

I am amazed at how strong you are through all of this. How you are able to go through all of this and still be such an amazing friend & supporter to others.

I am already chanting the "please let it work" mantras for you.


Aimee said...

Hurray for lucky #7!! 7 is my favorite # for many reasons, hoping it works for you too!! I will be following your progress with high hopes & my fingers crossed!!! GOOD LUCK SARAH!! ;o)