Hello internets

I am here.  Not pregnant, but here nonetheless.  

First, as many of you will have guessed, because you know me oh so well, there was drinking on Friday.  Despite my protestations of not having time to wallow due to my next cycle being so soon, there was wallowing.  There was a whole bottle of red wine, some decadently fattening food, Leonard Cohen played rather too loudly, and some sobbing.  And then on Saturday morning I went out and bought pretty flowers for the garden and planted.  It was all quite nice and healing really.  And while I did have a coffee yesterday and too much dietary fat, because I couldn't quite break the cycle that quickly, today I am determined to get back to being saintly.

I am in a sort of stunned disbelief that here I am, moving on to another IVF.  Normal people would have stopped the insanity by now and moved on.  But then again, normal people get pregnant through having sex, or if that doesn't work, on IUI numbers 1 through, oh, 4 or 5.  Or at the very, very worse, IVF #1 or 2.  There are no words to describe the surreality of it being me - ME! - that is the barren one.  Isn't this shit supposed to happen to other people, not me?

Well, enough whining.  I have grown to hate whining.  At least infertility has given me that.  Half the time I listen to or read other people whining I think "puh-lease.  This is nothing.  Give me an effing break already."  And the other half I think "holy crap, this is devastating.  How petty MY little worries seem when compared to what this person is going through."  When you think of dead babies, and sick children, and cancer, and loss of loved ones, and war, and famine, and disability, and many other things too numerous to mention, my lot in life is not so insurmountable.  And if I never have a child, at least I can say I gave it my all.

I am moving on with the plans for IVF#7.  Or do I call it #8 because the FET counts as a cycle?  Seven seems a more palatable number somehow, so we'll stick with that for now.  I've booked my hotel, my flight and a rental car.  Today I will pay the cycle fee to LV clinic and order the meds.  And then I'll be set.  Somehow I have to fit two cycles into the next month, which is freaking me out a tad, but oh well.  I'm tempted to ask if I can just start the BCP now and not bleed at all from this last go-around, but I'm not sure if they'll let me do that.