Sunday, October 21, 2007

Sunday mish mash

I've mellowed out a bit, although still struggling with the hope issue. I'm still quite sad in general, and partially because I'm doing this alone. Most of the time I am OK about being single through this, but sometimes it really saddens me. I had such (brief) high hopes about cute acu for a while there, and I find it quite pathetic that there are so few men that I meet that are even remotely interesting to me. Then again, I'm not going to force myself to try to be interested in most of the guys that are out there - I watched Knocked Up yesterday, and have to say that I vastly prefer doing this on my own to lumping my future in with any old random dipshit that passes my way.

But anyway, I had the shortest period evah. It came and went in 4 days, two of which were really just spotting. Doesn't bode well for anything in particular, but I keep trying to tell myself that I've got another whole cycle to get myself in balance. And I'm mostly eating like a saint, so I think that will help. OK, I did have two cocktails on Friday night, but that was the first time I'd had any booze in weeks. I should have stuck to one cocktail, like pretty much everyone else I was with, but hey. Call me a booze hound if you want. However, two cocktails used to be pretty much an alcoholic appetizer just to wet my whistle, so things are vastly different from how they used to be. That I can now manage to stop at two cocktails should be a cause for celebration, really.

And just in case anyone misinterprets my posts on how my pain is less than it used to be, or whatever, and thinks I'm this terribly unhealthy invalid, thus believing that my infertility is due to me being near death's door, I want to state that I am very healthy, actually. That's one reason that infertility has been so shocking to me. My current health complaints are: shoulder/neck tension and pain, light and not very red periods, a tendency to loose stools/diarrhea, I'm 15lbs overweight, and uh, the pores in my nose are a bit clogged and I'll get an occasional zit. Really, I can't think of much more than that. My knees hurt if I do too much jogging. My left psoas muscle is tight from an old injury (or is it my iliacus?). If I eat too much dairy, I get an arthritic-y feeling in my knuckles. I crack my spine and neck too much when I'm twisting. And I like to go to bed at 10 most nights so I'm not too tired. Sometimes I get pretty irritated with PMS but it usually passes within a day. I mean, that's it. I never get indigestion, headaches, sinus problems, constipation and whatever else we're supposed to get as we age. I hardly ever get colds or flu or things that go around the office. I eat well, I exercise regularly. I would say I'm as healthy as a horse. I mean, true, I used to have more complaints. I used to have more digestion issues, I used to have mild fibromyalgia pain. I used to get migraines. I used to have low energy/fatigue. I used to have TMJ problems. I used to drink more. I used to eat more bad foods. But I have worked diligently to fix those issues, and for the most part have succeeded. So when I post about being bad such as having two cocktails, or having pain, those things are very mild in the grand scheme of things. I am just clutching at straws trying to find something that is a difference, that can cause me to can say "aha! Finally I am healed".

But, what keeps going around in my head, is if I'm so healthy, why, then, why am I going through infertility? Why isn't everything working perfectly?

And I hate that there are no answers. I feel like I'm the naysayer on some of these chat boards. Hey, yeah, I tried pineapple and it didn't help me! Oh, yeah, I tried soy isoflavones, I tried DHEA, I tried L-arginine, I tried robitussin, I tried wheatgrass. I tried all the remedies that are out there. People don't like it when I post that just because someone tried something and got pregnant the next cycle, doesn't mean that the pineapple or trick du jour really was the cause. It could have been random chance. I so wish I was naive enough again to believe that I could really do one thing and have it be the answer. Because you know that I would do that thing in spades. I have done so much, changed so much, given up so much, in this search for a baby. I'm almost willing to do anything - the only thing I won't do is eat meat.

So why not me? And why can't I have hope?

1 comment:

June Bug Momma said...

{{{{{{Sarah}}}}}}} I understand why you feel so sad and hopeless, esp. after trying for so many cycles. It is hard to think positive. Going this journey alone is not easy either!! But..you are not giving up and you will eventually be a momma! I truely belive that! You are a fighter with great aspirations to raise a child(ren). That's admirable in my book! :o)

Oh...a 4 day cycle is short? My period last 1 or 2 days! One of those days (or both) is spotting. I never ate pineapple before my BFP. Gotta love all those different myths on how to get pregnant. lol..

Keep the FAITH!!!