Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Hope be damned

I had (yet another) realization about this IVF yesterday. As I was expounding to Cali about how nothing is as important about getting knocked up, it kind of hit me in the face. Nothing is as important as getting knocked up! You may not think that was exactly a blinding realization, but it was actually helpful. Because the fact that I am struggling with hope does not matter. It does not matter if I have hope or not. What matters is flying to NY and going through the IVF so that I have a chance of getting knocked up. The end is what is important, not the means, and definitely not how I feel about the means. The truth is, I have to do this IVF. Hope be damned. Hope may come back later, but for now, going through the motions is much more important.

So that makes me feel, bizarrely, happier. I can just go through the motions. Or, in other words, fake it till I make it.

In other news, I had a tiny bit of EWCM yesterday, on cycle day 8. So I think that I may just surge early because my body probably doesn't realize that it hung on with a 16 day luteal phase and probably thinks that I had a shorter luteal phase. I bet it started cooking my eggs early, like it likes to do. So I'm hoping for a surge at the weekend (maybe). But, whatever. Whenever. As long as it comes.


Calliope said...

I adore you & all of your quirky realizations.

& I so get the faking it until you make it part. We have both seen that somehow, even when we never thought she would, hope manages to find us.


Sara said...

You're exactly right. You need the ability to persevere much more than you need hope right now.

Good luck hon!