Fuck fuck fuck

Well, there was me all happy and optimistic. I'd done the Clear Passage Therapy, I'd got the vitamins right (or so I thought), I'd been drinking the whey protein shakes. I had nice even stimming. I thought I'd have excellent quality. I was as certain as I could be that this one would be "the one".

Out of 9 eggs, 7 were mature. 3 fertilized normally.

3.

That's less than I had last time when I only got 5 eggs in total.

3.

The universe is just fucking with me. I know, I know, it only takes one, but I shall personally track you down, come to your house in the middle of the night and stick a kitchen knife in you if you post that. I know it only takes one. But's what are the chances that I have a good one out of these three pathetic little embryos? When I've already produced 10 crappy embryos and have only got one of questionable quality in the freezer?

Damn it all.

Fuck, fuck and fuck again.

The nine

Well, I am back from ER! We got stopped for speeding on the way there, which wasn't a good sign. Effing cops were just getting everyone - we weren't even driving that fast or dangerously. Although I did see a rainbow just before we got stopped for speeding, so up until that point had been thinking that the omens were good. Then my RE completely gave up on my left ovary - my aunt, who was allowed in the room to watch, said she could see the needle pushing against the follicle, but it wasn't going in, and the ovary would move every time he tried to stick the needle in. I guess I've become a tough old broad. He even got the nurse to push down on my abdomen in order to stop the ovary moving around. But he couldn't do it, and decided it was more risky to keep poking around in there as he didn't want to nick the bowel, so just gave up! He said the follicles weren't that big anyway so he just left them. I've had some bleeding, so I believe he really was digging around in there.

But the good news is we got 9 eggs from the right ovary! Good old righty! In fact, thank God for righty on this cycle.

So now I have that odd feeling of fullness still on the left, and sucked-outness on the right. Odd. Not sure if the left ones will just reabsorb or if they'll ovulate. If I had a ready supply of fresh sperm, I might be tempted to ignore the "no intercourse for a week" instruction and try to see if I could fertilize any ovulated eggs. Or at least get my husband to do the deed into a cup for me to shoot up there. But alas, no free sperm, so even if the eggs on the left do ovulate, they'll be wasted. Oh well, I'll concentrate on the ones I do have. Do your thing, eggs and sperm, do your thing and get busy in that petrie dish.

Comfort, or lack thereof

I am not comfortable today. And that's all I'm going to say. I take my hat off to those women who have like 30 eggs, because I don't know how they stand it.

In fact, I can't wait for these eggs to be out of me! Only 15.5 more hours...

We are go for trigger

Holy jumping E2, batman!

I'm in a pretty good mood- my E2 jumped from 936 yesterday to 1,752 today, and the u/s showed I have 7 follicles >20mm, 1 at 17.5mm, 1 at 15.5mm and 1 or 2 smaller. I'm so happy the E2 jumped up, as I was worrying that some of the follicles were empty. Well, they still could be, but I'll find that out on Wednesday I guess. I am triggering tonight at 11pm, and egg retrieval is on Wednesday morning at 10am.

All in all, I can't complain about this cycle. I mean, I'd love more eggs, and I'd have loved my left ovary to have responded like my right ovary did, but we got what we wanted - a more even stimulation. And OK, I'm still going a little early, as I'm triggering on cycle day 10, but I stimmed for a day longer as I started earlier this time. So hopefully the quality will be improved over last time. Hopefully. You see, there's me not being able to be entirely positive. There's still that niggling little bit of doom and gloom that I didn't respond better.

It's funny how you always compare yourself in this infertility shit. I don't know why I can't just be happy happy happy about my good response, but then I read something from someone with 30 eggs and think "lucky bitch". I think about people who are younger than me with their better eggs, I think about better responders than me, others think about people like me having the money to afford to do this more than once, and for being younger than they are. We're all jealous over something and yet we're all in this together. In fact, I was doing my customary trawl through PubMed over the weekend, and got so freakin' angry about some of the research projects about the ethics of IVF and trying to prevent people doing any more than single embryo transfer and all the other bullshit, and I was thinking that those people are the enemy. The ones who don't understand the pain of infertility and who just look at things dispassionately and say "IVF babies have a greater than normal risk of certain birth defects so more study is needed before making IVF available to the public". The ones I just want to scream at, grab by the shoulders and shake violently. The ones I want to tell to bite me. The ones who don't understand the need, pure and simple, to have children. So why on earth do I waste energy being jealous of some other infertile who has a better response than me? Why do others waste energy being jealous of me for anything? I mean, just as there's always someone on the beach thinner than you, fatter than you, prettier than you and uglier than you, there's always someone who does better than you at IVF and someone that does worse. And yet, that's just human nature, eh? The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Probably Wednesday

It is looking more and more likely that I will trigger tomorrow, and egg retrieval will be Wednesday. Today's follicle report was that the largest is 21mm, there are 5 at 18 or 19mm, 2 at about 16mm or so, and three smaller. The u/s technician measured the smaller guys at smaller than yesterday, so either she was measuring wrong, yesterday's tech measured wrong, or they shrank. Knowing my ovaries, they probably shrank.

Anyway, so that looks like maybe 8 mature eggs, not bad huh? Except there's a but. There's always a freakin' but in my life. My estrogen level is still pretty low to my thinking. 936 today. If I had 6 mature follicles, which I would appear to have, I'd expect it to be at least 1200. And with a couple of also-rans, I'd expect at least 1400. So I'm now worrying that some of the follicles will be empty, just taunting me, making me think that there was a chance of 11 eggs. So, we'll see what we see when they take the little buggers out. On Wednesday. Probably.

Back for another check tomorrow. We'll see how the blood draw goes. I asked if they could take it out of my leg today, and the nurse just looked at me bemused and repeated "your leg??" with a sneer of disdain (or was it disgust?) across her face. She said they only take blood out of the leg as an absolute last resort, if they couldn't get it out of the backs of the hands. I said I thought it would hurt less than the back of my hand, and couldn't we try it in preference to leaving me with a hand-covering bruise and a useless appendage? The short answer was no, but she was game to have a go on my right arm. So she tourniqued my arm so tight I thought my eyes might start to bulge out. She slapped and prodded. She got a butterfly needle and inserted it to the hilt in my forearm, saying that the vein was really deep. I was not thinking deep thoughts at that particular juncture, but more along the lines of "fuck, I'm a wimp, this hurts". But she managed to get some blood. The other patients in the waiting room seemed to be doing double-takes at the weird placement of my post-blood draw bandaid. But we did it, we avoided the back of my hand for another day. Which is something to be celebrated, at least.

Still here

Still in Miami. My aunt, being the persuasive woman she is, won't let me go. But the cat and I will be wending our merry way back home tonight after dinner. I just cannot face another drive to the RE's from here!

Had my pre-op scan today, which they schedule when the lead follie gets to 16mm. It involves meeting with an RE, and the guy on call today was Dr. H, who I love almost as much as my own RE. Dr. H said that my file was now almost as heavy as me, and we really needed to make this work before it overtook me.  Funny AND cute (oh wait, is it only me that thinks dorky RE's are hot stuff?). We spent most of the visit talking about England, because after all, when you're on your 4th IVF there really aren't any more questions to ask. I told him my guess was now that retrieval would be Wednesday, and he said that was about right. He also said that my RE was doing the retrievals next week, so I've managed to get him every cycle now. Yay!

As for the follie news, there are still 11 contenders, but not the same 11 as yesterday. One of the ones on my left is falling behind, but an extra one on the right is catching up, so it's now 9 on the right. The biggest one is 19mm, and the others are between 14 and 16mm.

E2 was 676, so it's creeping up there, but doesn't seem high enough to me. I'll be back again for another scan in the morning.  I hope the blood draw goes OK. Today the nurse dug around in my right arm for a bit trying and failing to find the vein there before giving up and taking it out of the left. And yes, the left is starting to hurt like a mofo'. The nurse exclaimed at the amount of scar tissue at my one and only blood drawing site. Uh huh, tell me about it. Why d'you think I put up with the digging in my right arm??  I think I'm going to offer up a leg vein tomorrow and see what they do. The leg has to be easier than the back of your hand, right?  Because I know that we're headed for the back of my hand next, and that won't be pretty.
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Follicular particular

Thanksgiving yesterday was lovely, even if it was a bit odd to stay sober. Miss kitten tolerated me dragging her to Miami, barely.  Let's just say that I'm not exactly her favorite person right now.  Especially when I am trying to force antibiotic liquid down her throat. 

I drove up to the RE's this morning, which only took me 50 minutes as there was hardly any traffic, and let me just say, I have never seen the place so busy. They had 4 nurses drawing blood (usually there are 2) who were just going non-stop. It was definitely the baby-making factory in full flow. The u/s tech said that the day after Thanksgiving is their busiest of the year, as everyone is trying to get one last cycle in before Christmas. Judging by the number of people in the waiting room, I believe her.

As for the follicular news, I still have 11 contenders, but they are starting to get more spread out in size. The largest had an average measurement of 17mm, but it had a length of 20mm. So it's starting to take off. I didn't get a good look at the sizes of anything else, but I think the smallest one was 10mm.  Didn't have any extras pop up on the left, so I guess that side is the lazy one. I don't know if they'll all make it to maturity, but I'm still hopeful for a fairly good crop. E2 was 426 today, up from 152 on Wednesday, so there's still a little way to go. I've got to go back tomorrow morning for my pre-op visit and to meet with the RE, so I should find out which of the team is doing the retrievals next week. My guess is that retrieval will be on Tuesday, but I guess we could squeak through to Wednesday if I'm lucky. It'd be nice to have as much of a chance as possible to have all the follicles as mature as they can be.
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Tofurkey Day

Well, the cat ended up shaved, anesthetized and generally prodded about. The cut had turned into an abscess. Or it could have been completely coincidental with the fight with the other cat, and could have been a hot spot caused by matted hair and nastiness. Anyway, she needs to have antibiotic drops twice a day. She's a pretty pathetic sight.

My next ultrasound is on Friday morning, so driving up from Miami would have been pretty hard. Especially if I have another one on Saturday morning. What with figuring out what to do with the cat, and all.

I made the decision that it was better to just stay here, although I'd drive to Miami and back today for Thanksgiving. It was a firm decision. I was adamant. I was not going to drag the poor cat on another car journey, and stress her and me out by making her stay in a strange house when she's already sick.

I called my aunt to tell her. Needless to say, my resolve failed under pressure. I'm off to Miami with a howling cat, 6 different types of medication between us (3 of which need to be refrigerated), kitty litter, blankets, whey protein powder, a large haul of vitamins, syringes, needles, cat food, my Thanksgiving dish, clothes and anything else I can think of and can stuff in the car. Happy Thanksgiving, blogosphere!

Busy busy

What a day it's going to be. I have four appointments today, a shitload of work to do, and somehow I also have to make it to the supermarket to shop for the dishes I am supposed to be taking to Thanksgiving.

The first appointment is over with, which was my ultrasound and blood draw at the RE's. There was good news and not so good news. The good news is that my right ovary had 9 or 10 follicles, 8 of which were of a good size. I had 2 at 12mm, 1 at 11mm, 2 at 10mm, 1 at 9mm, 1 at 8mm and 1 at 7mm. Then she measured one of the smaller ones at 4mm, but didn't bother measuring the other one. The not so good news was that there were only three follies that she could see on my left, but it was very hard to see the ovary due to all the gas in my bowel! And I never used to think of myself as a farty person, but that darn gas has been getting in the way of far too many ultrasounds lately. So she said there may be more that just aren't visible that we may be able to see next time as the ovary gets larger. Or maybe not. The three that she was able to measure were 1 at 9mm, 1 at 8mm and 1 at 7mm.

Anyway, at least they are all good sizes, and there are no monsters in there, so the long lupron seems to be doing its thing properly. And even if we don't find any more on the left, 11 contenders is still way way better than last cycle, so it's all good. I'll get my E2 level and instructions for when I'm to go back again this afternoon.

Appointment #2 is with the vet. Kitty's oozy cut started getting worse again so the neosporin is not cutting it. I really should have taken her on Monday, but there you go. Live and learn. The thing I'm worried about now is whether they'll want to keep her, or if I'm going to have to do something complicated and involved every 20 minutes. Not that I can't take her with me to Miami, or can't cut short my stay there (though I'd rather not), but she gets stressed out traveling and staying in strange houses. And of course the other thing I had thought is that whenever my second follicle check of the weekend is, I'd just continue home afterwards rather than drive all the way back to Miami, but I'm not sure I can leave the cat in the car outside the RE's while I nip in for a quick wanding. I'll figure it all out somehow.

Appointment #3 is with a roofer. I decided on a roofing company, and am pushing full steam ahead. I want this done and finished already!

Appointment #4 is my acupuncture session, as the acu is closed for the weekend. I'll need a bit of relaxation at the end of the day, but it's not going to be fun to race there through the rush hour traffic.

And THEN I need to go to the supermarket and battle the crowds.

Crashing

So tiiiiiired.

Must sleeeeeep.

Don't remember stims doing this before. Need energy. Eyes cloooosiiiiinnnnggg.....

Snnggghffftttttzzzzzzz

Million Dollar Dreams

I heard this morning about a raffle drawing that the Florida Lottery is running at New Year. They are offering ten $1million prizes, and are only selling 1.25 million tickets, making the odds of actually winning a million bucks a mere 1 in 250,000. The tickets cost $20 and are expected to sell out very quickly. So I snapped one up. Hell yeah, I want a chance at winning the cash! There are some smaller prizes too, which I definitely wouldn't say no to. I am not a big lottery fan, but I play the regular lottery maybe twice a year. I have been known to say that the lottery is a tax on people who can't do math, but it's definitely fun to dream about winning and I figure the odds of winning are so astronomical that it doesn't matter if I play it twice a week or twice a year - it really makes no difference to my chances. But this has a much greater chance, even though it's more than I would normally spend on the lottery in a year, so why the hell not, eh? It could pay for my 5th IVF cycle if there needs to be one. And if I don't win, well, I'm not really going to miss $20.

But then of course I started dreaming of actually winning. And whereas before my lottery winning dreams involved yachts and quitting work and sailing the pacific, these were different. You see, I don't think $1 million is enough to radically change your life. I mean like quit work and be a bum for the rest of your life type radical change. But, it could radically change your existing life for the better, and mores the point, the lives of those around you. Maybe you wouldn't be able to quit working forever, but it would certainly open up possibilities, like going back to school to start over, and paying off your mortgage so you could afford to take that lower paying but more rewarding job. And then I started dreaming of paying for IVF cycles for, say, 5 people who don't have a hope in hell of being able to afford it themselves. Can you imagine what that would be like? To actually have the power to say to a bunch of people "here, go and do what you've been dreaming of, go and have a real chance at having a baby". It makes me quite misty eyed to think about it. Wow, how good would that make you feel if you could really do that? I mean, sure, giving a fat check to my brother or various other family members would be nice, but then again, they'd expect me to do it if I won a boatload of cash, so it kind of takes some of the fun out of it. But at random, offering someone a potential way out of misery? That right there is something worth dreaming of, my friends.

Aaah, dreaming is nice.

Warning - period talk ahead

I'm actually feeling pretty positive today, and it's all to do with my period. Yup, crazy as it may sound, the quality of my period now has the ability to affect my mood. It's all the fault of acupuncture. I have been doing acupuncture for a long time. Longer than anyone else I've come across on any fertility board, I think, except maybe one person who started studying it in order to make a career change into being an acupuncturist. Or at least, I should qualify that statement, longer than anyone else I've come across without having any remote hint of success. Longer than anyone should, with all honesty, keep flogging a dead horse. Not that I equate my ovaries with dead horses, you understand, it's just a metaphor.

In fact, I've sometimes wondered why I keep going. I find the sessions relaxing, but I have at many times decided that it would be more relaxing NOT to spend the money each week that I give to the acu. I have had some improvements in my digestive system - I am no longer such a diarrhea queen. I have more energy than I used to. I'm generally in pretty good shape healthwise (ignoring the expanding waistline issue for a moment here). And that's a nice place to be in. But in my menstrual cycle - not so many changes. How on earth can I be going to acu, through 20 months, three acupuncturists (two of whom are fertility specialists) and not have a better period?

But, slowly over the last few months, my PMS symptoms have been diminishing, and now today, on cycle day 3, I still have red blood. That's a huge thing for me. It's been so brown and stodgy and silty and clotty. Just not healthy looking. Slowly the amount of red has been improving, and to make it to day 3 with a good flow still is worth celebrating in my view.

So, it's giving me some hope that maybe after the Clear Passage Therapy and the months of acupuncture, things are improving in there in regards to blood flow and general healthiness. That maybe my uterus is finally becoming a welcoming, healthy place for an embryo to snuggle in to. Now, I know that implantation is not really my issue - my RE is pretty definite that it's my sucky egg quality that's causing my problems, but I hope that with the long lupron protocol I'll get slower stimming and hence better quality. And I'm sticking with the IVF smoothie, so have been having my whey protein every day religiously. Maybe it'll all help, you never know.

I've been growing a nice crop of bruises on my belly, I can tell you that. But otherwise, nothing to report on the stims front. My first ultrasound is on Wednesday, so that's the day that I'll really know whether any of this is helping or not. I'm pretty nervous, but que sera sera, eh?

In kitty news, I decided not to hotfoot it to the vet this morning. The stinky infected smell has diminished greatly, so the neosporin seems to be working. The cut is still oozing a bit, but is looking better, and the cat is still pretty sprightly and doesn't appear to be feeling ill.

Smelly cat

I started my stims this morning. I will be doing 2 vials of menopur and 1 vial of follistim in the mornings, and 1 vial of repronex and 2 vials of follistim in the evening. I'm only using the repronex because I have some left over from last cycle so I'm trying to spread it out by using one vial a day just in case the menopur really is better.

The menopur comes with this handy dandy mixing device called a Q-cap, which you use to puncture the vial with and transfer liquid to and fro with. It's much easier than using a big old needle to do the mixing with. But as I have approximately 6 trillion of the old-style syringes with mixing needles already attached, I figure I'll use them for the repronex shot. Actually, I really should count how many syringes I have built up over 4 cycles because I think you'd be amazed. And that's with doing 3 or 4 shots a day, but when you get a syringe per vial, and combine 3 vials in one shot, you start building up a surplus pretty fast.

I'm worrying about my kitty today. She got scratched by another cat earlier in the week, and it seemed to be healing just fine, but yesterday I noticed some pus oozing out of the cut. Today it is starting to smell bad and infected. I have been cleaning it with a washcloth regularly since I noticed the pus (and she's been letting me do it, surprisingly), and have been putting neosporin on it. Yes, I googled whether it was safe to use neosporin on cats. But if it doesn't show some serious improvement by tonight, we will be going to the vets as soon as we can on Monday. It definitely won't be fun trying to feed a cat antibiotics, but I managed it before when she had a UTI once, so I can manage it again. That'll be great, eh, me on my medicines and her on others. In the meantime, the refrain of the day is "smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?".

Got my final roofing quote yesterday, and it was $27,500. So the prices have ranged from $10,000 to $27,500. Some difference, huh? I am trying to make the decision early next week, so on Monday I'll be calling the cheap guy and asking for references.

Anyway, please oh please let this IVF work!! Please let these stims shots generate lots of nice evenly sized follicles!

Thar she blows!

So, no sign of my period this morning. I asked the acupuncturist if she could bring it on with some special points, and she said she knew exactly the ones to do the trick. In fact, she said if they didn't work, she didn't know what would. Well, they worked! Immediately. Like, while I was lying on the table immediately. I was wearing a liner just in case, so that all worked out well. And of course I had a sneak peak as I was getting up just to confirm that the action really had started and I hadn't imagined it. Come on, I can't be the only person in the world who ever takes a sneak peak down her knickers? Ahem, well, maybe I am. Moving right along, then...

I had these plans to go to the bookstore, then Whole Paycheck, er I mean Foods, after the acu appointment, but I decided instead to drive home to do my first stims shot. The nurse yesterday said to start stims immediately, and then do the second stims shot of the day a bit later than normal. Yes, I take a high enough dose to have to spread it out in two doses 12 hours apart. She said it didn't matter if the first day's stims were unevenly spaced, though, so I figured if I did the first one at 12, then the next one at 9.15, I could get on my usual schedule of 6.30 tomorrow morning. But a different nurse called my cellphone as I was driving home to check if my period had started and when I said "well, I'm pretty sure it just started but I guess it could be spotting - I'll be sure in an hour or two" she said to wait until tomorrow to start stims so that the shots weren't unevenly timed. I tried double and triple checking with her, but she seemed insistent, so I will start my stims in the morning, which will be cycle day 2. Now I'm trying to decide whether to drive all the way to Whole Paycheck, which is 30 minutes from home as opposed to 10 minutes from the acu, or whether to just go to a closer bookstore and give up on the gourmet food idea.

In other, more major news, a friend from that fertility site that shall not be named but whose initials may or may not be FF has just had fetal surgery on her baby boy at 18 weeks gestation. I've been so worried about them, and I'm so glad that the surgery went as well as it could have. The poor thing has a blocked urethra, so his bladder was dangerously enlarged. Without treatment, the urine backs up into the kidneys, damaging them, and because amniotic fluid is made up of urine, the baby's lungs can't develop normally. She was told there was greater than a 90% chance of the baby dying in utero, which is just so awful. And the complicating factor is that she's pregnant with twins, and if she did the surgery, she risked losing both of them. But the surgeon managed to install a shunt into the baby's bladder so that it can drain, and so far so good. There is a danger that the shunt may become dislodged, in which case she'll have to have surgery again, and a big danger of membrane rupture. And the baby will need surgery shortly after birth anyway, but if the shunt stays in place that surgery should be minor. This type of fetal surgery had never been done before on anyone carrying twins, so this is pretty groundbreaking stuff. So, if you're the praying type, please pray or offer up some good thoughts for Steph and her babies.

This means that so far not one of my multiple-IVF friends has had a straightforward pregnancy. Not one. There's been hyperemesis and bedrest, triplets (and presumably bedrest) and now fetal surgery. It's all a bit worrying really, and makes me paranoid as to what might happen if I do get lucky enough to get pregnant this time, but I guess I should just cross that bridge if I get to it. When I get to it.

Suppressed

I trundled down to the RE's this morning, in my lovely almost-new car, which still rattles occasionally but is running a lot better than it used to. Had my blood drawn, had an ultrasound for the suppression check, all that jazz. My ovaries look good, with no cysts, but the u/s tech didn't count the follicles - she hardly ever does unless she has to measure them, but it looked like there were several on each side to me, so I didn't mind the lack of a formal count. Besides, lately the counts have all been depressing, so I'd prefer to imagine that I have a ton of follicles there that the tech just was too quick to wand over. It keeps the optimism going that little bit longer. However, as my period still hasn't put in an appearance, of course my lining is too thick. So, I met with the IVF nurse (who, by the way, was all cheery and "hello, my name is J___" when I was thinking "I know who you are, lady, don't think I've forgotten that you made me cry with an evil comment during one of my IUI cycles". Of course, I smiled nicely and said "hi J___, how are you today?". I'm such a wimp). Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, she said I had to wait until my period started before I start stims. And full flow. Not just spotting. She repeated herself several times as if I was an imbecile. Full flow. Yeah, I do actually have enough brain power to understand that concept. So, it could be tomorrow, could be Sunday, could be today- but that's unlikely in my book. I'm either a first thing in the morning gal, or I get spotting in the late afternoon/early evening, and then the following day is day one. So I'm not expecting to have to rush home to get the stim meds out of the fridge today.

Still waiting

Still on period watch over here. I thought it would have shown up by now, but I guess not. At least my boobs have started aching, so that's a sign that it's imminent. I now predict spotting tonight, then the real deal tomorrow. I have my baseline ultrasound in the morning, but I'm not sure when they want me to start stims. Saturday, maybe? Sunday?

Got my car back last night - it was $1800 in the end, as they found yet another problem when they'd finished the work and took it out for a test drive. It was weird getting it back, as the clock and all the radio presets had been reset, reminding me that they really did take out the main battery!

Why is it?

Yes, I know, verbal (postal?) diarrhea here, but I just had to post again. Why is it internet, that when I am moseying around online window shopping for my future babe (yes, trying to be positive), why is it that I manage to fall in love with the most expensive baby stuff? Why is that? I really wouldn't say that I have expensive tastes. I am very happy shopping at Target, Ikea (oh if only the S. Florida store would open quicker!) and other such stores. I love hand-me-downs. Really couldn't care less if I buy the expensive thing or the cheap thing. But the baby stuff somehow gets to me. I think it is because so much of it is really the same. I'm so bored of seeing it all. I mean, most of them are OK, but why does every crib have to be a scrolly number that will convert into a full-size headboard? Call me all European, but my kid is not getting a freakin' double bed, so there's no way that I want or need a headboard that big. Not to mention that my house isn't big enough. And I'm tired of looking at sleigh-bed style things. And why is so much of the baby bedding pink or blue, and frilly and pastel? I want bold, bright things. I want a fun nursery. I don't want my nursery to look all themey and perfect.

But here, here is the most beautiful crib, dresser, cabinet, changing table and twin bed out there. Offi nursery furniture. Sigh! Gorgeousness! I absolutely love it. And they have some of it at Target, which is where I first stumbled across it. But to pay $800 for a crib? I just don't think I can do it...

In other news, we are on period watch at chez Sarah. Any time, Aunt Flo, any time.

Meme

I'm doing this meme from Calliope but I have to say, it's a hard one! You thought of some difficult questions, m'dear!

1) If somebody said you were like a breakfast cereal, which one would you be and why?
Well, porridge comes to mind, or oatmeal if I'm being American. I don't really know why though - a bit stodgy, but ultimately warming and cheery, and good for you?

2) How do you take your coffee/tea?
Pepperminty! I'm off the caffeine, so currently my tea of choice is peppermint.

3) Your bedroom is on fire. You can only reach in & grab ONE thing. Do you grab your photo album or your journals?
Oh, the photo album definitely. I've tried loading some photos onto photbucket just in case of fire or other disaster, but am nowhere near complete. I just couldn't bear the thought of losing all that family history. Never been much of a journal keeper!

4) When I see ______ I wish I could ______ so that everyone else would know that _______.
Um, see Calliope, this one is impossible. When I see the jackass at work I wish I could punch him so that everyone else would know that he's a jackass? But they already do! When I see people polluting the earth I wish I could make them see that they could make a difference so that everyone else would know that too? When I see people being mean to kids I wish I could shake them so that everyone else would know...what? That I get angry? Ugh, I give up.

5) Got porn?
No. Erotic fiction is as close as I get!

6) If I could meet _______ and explain why I _______ I would never ______ again.
Errrr. There's nothing I would say "I would never....again", apart from drinking and driving, but that doesn't require an explanation. And I know that there's no point me bargaining that I'll never eat chocolate again in return for a kid or something, because chocolate is impossible to resist. Can I skip this one?

7) What is the worst pet name in the history of your family?
We weren't really allowed pets as a kid, so there's no long history to draw from. My grandma had a cat called Obediah, but I think that's a pretty cool name. My cousin has a Rottweiler called Ronnie, which I think is pretty lame. My cat is called Lucky, which I really don't like, but she was 7 when I got her and I didn't have the heart to change it. I usually call her Lulu or something similar. That's all I got for ya.

8) I would eat a bowl of _____ for free, but if you want me to eat a bowl of ______ you'd have to pay me $_____.
I'd eat a bowl of ice cream for free! Yummy! I'd eat many many things for free. I guess the only thing that I'd put a price on me eating would be meat, and it'd have to be up in the millions to make me want to do it. Or maybe the high hundred thousands. You know, enough to make it really worth my while. If you want me to eat dogshit or slime or something, well, I'm not going to, so there's no price on that!

9) What 80's tv star would make you giggle like a school girl?
None of them. Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran might, but he's not a TV star. You remember 80's TV stars?

10) What age was your best and why?
I think every age is pretty good. What I lose in energy, fashion sense, and social life, I gain in confidence, maturity and the wisdom not to care too much about the small stuff. I don't have a particular favorite, although I had a pretty damn good year when I was 20/21 (not sure my liver would agree with me, but I had fun).

Tylenol to the rescue

Tylenol came to the rescue of my poor head yesterday. I'd toughed it out all day, trying not to add any more pharmaceuticals to my system, but ended up going home early from work because I was so miserable, and as I was lying there in a darkened room, thinking about wasting the entire evening, I thought "this is stupid" and gave in to the siren call of pain relievers. So I had a couple of extra strength tylenol, not expecting them to actually work on a headache of that magnitude, but they did. Who knew? I always thought with nasty headaches that you had to take more and nastier drugs.

It was such a pleasure not to have to take a BCP as I went to bed!! Yay!!! I'll have 5 days now with just lupron - it's almost a drug holiday. Just one teensy tiny injection a day is practically nothing. As long as I don't get any more killer headaches, of course.

Still reeling a bit from the whole car thing, but I got another roofing quote today that was $6000 less than the one I was going to accept, so I might just go with the cheap one and hope that they are not a fly-by-night company who are out to rip me off. I keep thinking I should explain why on earth I am re-roofing my house while I'm doing an IVF as probably everyone else thinks I'm mad to even consider it. But it's all part of the possible moving back to England plan, if this IVF doesn't work. There's no way I can sell my house without reroofing it, because, um, it needs a new roof. I figure I'd have to knock $30,000 off the asking price because of it, and houses aren't exactly selling fast around here at the moment, so it may just languish on the market for a long time. By spending $10,000 on a new roof I'll be in a position of being able to sell it quicker, and at a better price (yes, we're down to $10,000, which is less than an IVF cycle! Woot!). And if the IVF works, it'll be one thing that I don't have to worry about when pregnant, because I really need to get the new roof on before the next hurricane season. I cannot imagine the stress of sitting out a storm with a damaged crappy roof. Well, actually I probably wouldn't be able to sit out a storm - I'd have to evacuate because it wouldn't be safe. And, if I don't do this now, I don't feel like I'll be able to properly plan for any possible next cycle, or adoption or my child free life. Not to mention that I won't have the money because I'll have spent it on the next crackpot infertile scheme. I mean, I guess I could wait for the next hurricane to rip the roof apart, and then claim on insurance, but that's assuming that the insurance company doesn't drop me, which they are threatening to do. And assuming that it'll be cheaper to do it that way, which I don't think it would be as the deductible is pretty huge and I'd presumably have to replace a lot of my possessions which could get damaged if the roof fails. I waited out this season, hoping for insurance to cover the roof and we were lucky enough to have no storms. I don't think it'll last another year without me doing something. So that's that. That's why I'm crazy enough to be considering having the roof ripped off my house in the middle of an IVF cycle. Hey, at least it's something of a distraction.

By the way, I just want to give a shout out to Stephanie, my lovely internet buddy who has agreed to cover a whole bunch of days for egg retrieval driving duty! It's a big weight off my mind, and I can ask my aunt to cover the days that Stephanie can't do, as it'll be easier for her to rearrange her patients for just a couple of days than for a whole week. Thank goodness for internets! Mwha! Big smoochies for Stephanie!

My car is officially fucked

Just got the call. Man, it's turning into a super good day over here. The car needs $7700 worth of work on it, but luckily the main battery failing, which is the thing that caused it to die and which takes up $6000 of that cost, is covered under the warranty. And because of the warranty, the loaner car will be free for however long it takes to fix - which could be up to a week. Or more. So, it'll be about $1700 to me to get it into properly drivable condition. Double ow!

Ow!

Ow! My head hurts. And I thought I'd escaped the lupron headaches because they'd been very mild up to now. But I think I didn't keep myself well enough hydrated yesterday to keep this one at bay. It huuurts.

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

My dad the spy

Woo-hooo! Today I take the last BCP, so I should expect my period maybe on Thursday, it'll be u/s and b/w on Friday, and maybe starting stims on Saturday. Man, this has dragged. Even though doing microdose lupron + BCP takes the same amount of overall time, this long lupron protocol has seemed to take much much longer.

I called my dad this morning to say hi, and can I just announce to the internet that he is weird? Him and my step mother both answered the phone at the same time. I said "well, hello to both of you at the same time - that's convenient!". My stepmother continued talking. We talked about the weather over there, my car breaking down, shit like that. Not a peep from dad. I said "er, did dad put the phone down?", to which she said "well, I guess he must have, he must have heard me answer the phone and not waited to hear your voice". So, we continued chatting for a bit. She said "well, I'll call upstairs to your dad and tell him you're on the phone". There was a pause. She duly shouted up the stairs. Dad then spoke into the phone - he hadn't actually put the phone down, and had been listening all along. Weirdo. I said "why on earth didn't you speak? We could have been saying bad things about you", to which he said that when two women start talking he can't get a word in edgewise. Which is so not true, as my stepmother and I don't exactly have the world's greatest relationship, so there's always a few awkward pauses. Now, that just freaked me out. Was he spying on me, to make sure I was polite to her or something? Then later on in the phone call he was complaining that no-one ever calls him to let him know what's going on in the family. I tried to point out that he could call them, but he reckons that it's always him who calls everyone. Funny how I get that exact same feeling!

Oh well, he wished me luck for the next IVF, and said he'd keep his fingers crossed. He sounded a bit crestfallen when I said that if it didn't work this time I might just give it up as a bad job. I know he wants grandchildren so badly, because obviously he wants to continue all those fantastic genes! Hey, let's bring more weirdo children into the world to carry on his good work! No, seriously, he's not that weird. Eccentric, maybe. Can I fool myself into believing that? My dad is only eccentric, not weird. Maybe if I repeat it often enough I'll start thinking it. Like telling myself that my IVF will work this time. I AM continuing on eccentric genes. It WILL work this time. I will NOT be giving birth to more weirdos, only interestingly-abled children.

Uh huh, I can feel it working already...

The late, lamented Sarah-mobile

My car died today. Literally. Died. As I was tearing along I-95 at 80mph, late for my acupuncture appointment. Well, OK, maybe not dead dead, as the engine still appeared to be running, but none of that power was actually going to the wheels. It started binging warning noises at me. The cute little display screen lit up with three warning signs I've never seen before. And I was slowing down dramatically quickly, even with my foot now pressed to the floor on the accelerator pedal.

But luckily, it was 10.30 on a Saturday morning, so traffic wasn't too heavy. I made my way over to the shoulder, after deciding that I really couldn't force it to the acupuncturists in that condition, and I stopped. I turned the engine off and back on. Still the same warning lights. I called the acu, and said I'd have to cancel. I looked at the car's owners manual. Every one of the three warning signs said "take to dealer" as its explanation, which did not exactly inspire confidence.

So, I got out of the car, positioned myself at a safe distance away as my dad always taught me (just in case anyone else decides to weave off the road and into the car), and called AAA for a tow. Of course, as soon as they answered, a cargo train rumbled past, because it just so happened that at that point of the road the train tracks run right alongside the interstate, so it was a tad hard to hear what was going on , between the 10 lanes of traffic and the train and all. But we managed it. She promised that a tow truck would be on its way, and asked if I wanted her to send the police out to wait with me, which I thought was very nice. I declined the police, seeing as it was a sunny Saturday morning. You'd have to be a pretty brazen murderer to try to kidnap someone from the side of I-95 in the middle of the day in a built-up area, I think.

The tow truck surprisingly arrived within 15 minutes of me calling, and the guy tried to do a hard sell of a local mechanics shop that he said would be able to fix the car much cheaper than the dealer I'd asked for a tow to. He gave me a leaflet to read while he loaded the car onto the truck. Which said that the service department closed at noon on Saturdays, so I didn't exactly see the point. Besides, I drive a hybrid car, and I'm pretty sure that the car just dying like that would involve the main battery or electric engine, and there's no way I'm entrusting that sort of repair to anyone but a dealership. But after much tutting (and no doubt seeing his commission flying out the window), the tow truck guy dropped me off at the dealership. Who promptly looked at the warning signals, and said "oooh, we need a hybrid-certified technician for this, and we don't have one in today, so it'll have to be Monday". But they offered me a loan car for free, so it seemed like a fair deal.

So there I was, within 50 minutes of breaking down, sitting at a car dealership in a shiny new loaner car, not exactly knowing what to do with the rest of my Saturday morning. The last time I broke down, I think it took an hour and a half for the tow truck to arrive, so I was pretty darn impressed at the efficiency! I called the acu and asked if they had any free spots. They didn't, but said they'd stay late for me and fit me in after the last scheduled patient of the morning. Awww, bless them. I heart the acu! I trundled off to Starbucks, had a chai and a sandwich, then ambled around the local green market actually having a fairly pleasant morning.

I just kept thinking, thank God it was today. Thank God. If it had to go in the next few weeks, thank God I wasn't driving in early morning rush hour traffic to an u/s, or worse, to the pre-op meeting with the RE or any other important IVF appointment. Thank God the car had its little crisis on a Saturday when I was not stressed out about work. Thank God it didn't die at night. Or when I'm in Miami for Thanksgiving and can't get back. That's definitely something to be thankful for, even if I am now going to be faced with an unexpected repair bill. I just hope they can fix it, as I really can't afford a new car right now! But thank God for cellphones, and tow trucks, and nice car dealers. What would I have done without them?

I forgot!

I did it, I did what I've been stressing about - I totally forgot about my lupron shot. Well, only for an hour, but still. It's a scary occurence. I am trying to do my shots at 6.30pm because I know I'll have to do two lots of stims a day, and 6.30am is the best time in the morning between normal days when that's when my alarm goes off, and u/s days, when that's pretty much when I have to leave the house. So I'm trying to get everything lined up for shots 12 hours apart. I'd normally be working at 6.30pm, so I've been loading up my needle in the morning and taking it to work. I have a little reminder set up on my work computer that bings at me as 6.30 approaches, so I don't forget. But yesterday I decided to leave work early at 5.45pm, because it was a nice day, my boss was out of town and I wasn't working anyway but surfing obssessively about IVF. I came home, looked at the mail, played with the cat a bit, got some food out of the freezer for dinner, had some salad as an appetizer, tried to watch TV but it wasn't working so I ended up finishing off a book I'd been reading. You know, just happily puttered around the house. It wasn't until I decided to get changed into pj's while dinner was cooking that I wandered into my bedroom and saw the clock, and the sharps container on my dresser, that realization hit me and I had a mild panic attack. The lupron! Luckily, because I'm such an old pro at injections these days, it was out of my handbag and in my belly within nanoseconds. But still.

I'm not worried about doing the shot an hour late. It was only an hour after all. What worries me more is that I was completely unaware of the need for the shot for the hour and a half that I was puttering around the house. Completely unaware. It never even crossed my mind that I was supposed to be doing a shot. Normally it's in the back of my mind somewhere. Or the front. Normally I'm counting down, reciting to myself that I mustn't forget, making sure I'm not doing something that would take my mind off the need for a shot. But nope, my mind was blank. Blank, blank, blank. Urgh, what if I do it again, and really forget a shot?

And there was me saying that this cycle wasn't stressing me out so far.

Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

Yes, I do know how to spell melancholy. It's a Smashing Pumpkins reference. Trying to be arty here, people.

Anyway, my post yesterday involved me trying to hold on to thinking about good things, but it's been slipping away from me. I've found that the initial lupron irritation has been replaced by meloncholy and sadness. Mostly sadness about being in this situation and being on my own. And about the finances. And about where the end of the line is coming, and if it's going to be after this cycle. But it's OK. I prefer sadness to anger, as it's much more of a normal emotion for me. I am so not an angry person that it just freaks me out hugely when I feel that taking hold of me. I don't feel like myself and I feel out of control. But sadness? Yeah, well, there's been a lot of that over the years, and at least I can be placid and sad at the same time. Nobody around me bats an eyelid at, or suffers from, me being sad.

The odd thing is that I'm still really positive about this cycle. I really feel like this one could work. I'm very happy we switched to long lupron, because I think it will help with the crazy fast stimming. I'm happy that I made the decision to add more protein to my diet. I'm happy that I'm keeping the stress down so far. All in all, it's going well. I even started knitting my baby blanket again. The one I've basically been working on since the early days of TTC, which gets put away far too much because I give up hope. But when I'm hopeful I knit. Hey, I might even finish it this cycle, you never know. So it's quite odd that my heart and body feel sad when my brain feels positive. Quite odd indeed. At least I only have 4 more days of BCPs, so that will lessen the hormonal load somewhat.

Got another roofing quote yesterday, which was $2800 less than the first one, and about $10,000 less than I initially anticipated, so that's all good. I'm actually getting quite excited about having a new pretty roof, instead of one that's old and cracked with moss and ferns growing out of it that drip black gunk onto the front step. Not stepping in black gunk every day will definitely be nice!

The good things about doing IVF on your own

I was going to post about my shopping trip to buy yet more vitamins and supplements yesterday, but it's not inspiring me. Maybe another day. I'm nowhere near as bad as I was in my true vitamin-junkie days, but I'd still basically rattle if you shook me in the morning after taking my first dose of supplements for the day. And I still earn way too many points on the "frequent buyer" program at my local vitamin retailer.

But let's not go there. What I decided to post about was the good things about doing IVF on your own. So often I just ramble on here about crap stuff, and I don't celebrate the good things enough. So, here goes -

There's no-one to:
tell me not to spend the new car fund/kid's college fund/house repair fund on another IVF
tell me not to go into debt for IVF
tell me that I'm spending too much money on acupuncture
tell me that I'm crazy for popping so many vitamins every day
tell me that "if it doesn't happen naturally, it's not meant to be"
sit moping at the RE's that it's taking too long to get seen
tell me that I shouldn't keep crying or drown my sorrows when a cycle fails.

And there's no one that I feel guilty towards for letting them down with my crap eggs.

Ummm, OK, I've kind of run out. But honestly, sometimes I am very grateful for the freedom I have to make all the decisions and take all the consequences if those decisions turn out to be bad. And I'm very grateful that I earn enough money to have been able to afford my attempts so far. So I'm trying to focus on the positives.

Equally, there're many sucky things about doing this on your own, specifically the lack of support and a free ride to the clinic. In fact, I'm thinking about driving myself to transfer this time, only taking half the dose of valium and hanging out there until they tell me I'm safe to drive home. Because it's such a pain trying to organize a ride when the other person has to take a day off at very short notice too, and is driving you out of the kindness of their heart.

The lupron is going OK so far today. I managed not to shout at the cat, and I only have a very mild headache but nothing too bad. I did forget to bring my injection fixins' into work today, so I have to leave early in time to make my 6.30 injection time that I've set myself, but then again, leaving work early is not necessarily a bad thing! Heh, I might even catch the evening news so I can gloat a bit more over the fabulous election results.

The tantrum

So, this morning, I not only got annoyed with my kitty at banging her tail against my keyboard while I was surfing, I ended up having a foot stamping, hand flapping tantrum at her while I went "nnnggggghhhhh" in frustration. Which caused her to look at me in some alarm, as I've never done that before (well, not since I was about 5, I suppose), and she shot off the desk and out to the relative safety of the living room. I do not know if there was any cowering in fright going on, because by the time I calmed down and went to look for her, she was sitting quite serenely on the coffee table, looking at me as if I'd gone completely insane. Whereupon I apologized to her, reminded her that I would never EVER hurt her, and bribed her with a can of her favorite super-expensive cat food. At this rate, lupron is going to get pretty pricey! Although in my defense, she had also pooped on the floor in front of her kitty litter box, and whined at me to get up before my alarm went off, both of which raise my blood pressure. But then again, having said that, she does do both of those quite regularly so I should bloody well be used to them by now.

Oh, the joys of hormones. I'm also getting a headache. And if my boss messes with the thermostat again today because he's a bit hot, I may have to kill him. I mean, OK, I'll shortly be having hot flashes so it'll probably be good to be sitting in an ice box, but until then it is not making me happy.

In non-TTC news, I decided to get a move on with re-roofing my house, so I started calling roofing companies yesterday. What a difference a quiet hurricane season makes! I'd called a few at the beginning of the year, but could not get anyone to even give me an estimate as my roof wasn't actually leaking. This time they are falling over themselves to give me an estimate, and I got my first one in writing within hours of me starting to call. And it wasn't as much money as I was expecting, so that's good. Less than two IVF cycles - because of course that's now how I rate the expense of everything. It's kind of like those BK ads where people think in terms of crispy chicken nuggets (or whatever they are). 20,000 bacon double cheeseburgers? 2 IVF cycles? Bargain!

Loony loopy lupron

The smoothie was deelicious, by the way. Looked like ass, but tasted good. In fact, it was perhaps the worst-looking thing I have put in my mouth in a long time, but hey, at least I'm not trying to feed it to a 3-year old so who really cares if it's a sludgy gray-green color?

I spent pretty much all of yesterday afternoon counting down to the first lupron shot. I don't know why I do these things. I guess because with the first few shots, before I get into the routine, I stress that I'm going to forget about it at the last minute, and only realize several hours later (or worse, the next morning) that I didn't do it. But I didn't forget. Even if every 10 minutes I did stop what I was doing just to check the clock because surely more than 10 minutes must have elapsed since I'd last looked at the clock and it must be nearly time. What a waste of mental energy. It went swimmingly. Of course. It seems so little compared with the microdose lupron, which is 0.2ml twice a day instead of 0.1ml once a day. But of course it's more concentrated, and you have to take it for a lot longer so I know it'll actually be worse.

I shouted at the cat today for banging her tail against the keyboard in an annoying fashion while I was doing my breakfast surfing. Hmmm, the beginnings of me being a crabby lupron lady? Or just my usual sunny Monday morning disposition?

Smoothie time

One more day until Lupron! Will I avoid the headaches and hot flashes? Will I turn into crazy pseudo-menopausal woman? Stay tuned to find out in our next thrilling installments of "As The Sarah Turns...Hormonal."

I had a bit of inspiration as I was lying on the acupuncture table this morning, which is that I'm going to start making myself an IVF smoothie every morning from now on. My breakfast routine has developed into this crazy succession of drinks - the whey protein, the greens+ drink, the chinese herbs, then I swallow the vitamins on top. It's hard to fit any actual food in there, although sometimes I have a boiled egg. And I was thinking that I'd better add yogurt or kefir as soon as I start the doxycycline because otherwise the old good/bad bacteria balance might get "off". I have stopped the chinese herbs as of today, though. My RE had said he didn't mind me taking them while I was on BCP, but we never discussed lupron, and I don't particularly want to call him to ask so I think it's safest just to stop.

So, I figure, what if I mix everything together and do a whey protein/greens+/kefir/juice such as Bolthouse Farms C boost or berry smoothie/fresh berries IVF smoothie? I have vanilla whey protein, and the greens+ is the wild berry burst flavor, so even though it is green in color it doesn't taste too bad. A handful of raspberries and blueberries has got to be good mixed in, right? It wouldn't be too bad dairy-wise, because the kefir is a lot easier to digest than regular milk, so hopefully it won't freak the acu out, and has the good probiotics. I'll get lots of protein from the whey and kefir, and the kefir will give it enough bulk that I won't need food as well. The berries and juice will give me a nice antioxidant burst. And it might even taste good. Or it could just be sludgy green gunk that I can't even force down my gullet. But I'm a desperate infertile, so I'll try anything at this point.

I'm off shopping now to get the ingredients now, so we'll see what I can find.

Today is brought to you by the number 2

Today marks two anniversaries for me.

It's the second anniversary of my first RE visit. Oh, how well I remember the nerves, the newness of it all, thinking that I'd get pregnant as soon as any sperm was introduced into my body, thinking that the first IUI would do it, trying to plan when would be a good time to give birth. You know, all that. The heady, exciting, early days. The days when I used to be modest about dropping my knickers for the RE. And now it's been two years. I shouldn't really whine, and especially not as much as I did on Sunday, because many many women have been trying for much longer. But it's damn expensive using frozen sperm, and the RE has now siphoned off an awful lot of my cash and emotional energy, and that's pretty disheartening. If only I'd had a boyfriend or a husband for some free tries in between all the medical intervention.

It's also my paternal grandmother's birthday and the anniversary of her death. Yes, she managed to die on her birthday - how odd is that? But, she hadn't been happy or well for a long time before she died, so I think it probably was a happy birthday for her. So, happy birthday Nanna!

That was the year before the first RE visit. Shortly after the first RE visit, my other grandmother died, and I ended up doing the HSG that the RE wanted me to do prior to starting IUI's a few hours before I flew to the UK for her funeral. In retrospect, it probably wasn't exactly one of my better ideas to schedule the HSG and a transatlantic flight for the same day, particularly as I had to wear one of those industrial-sized hospital pads because I was bleeding so much from the tenaculum. And let's not even mention infection risks. Or what would have happened if my tubes had been blocked and I'd not been able to drive myself to the airport from the hospital. Because of course I planned it so that I went straight from one to the other, not even imagining there could be any problems. But hey, it worked out OK in the end, so that's all that matters really.

So, I guess November hasn't really been all that lucky for me in terms of family stuff. I really hope that this November breaks the run of back luck on that score, and that my grandmothers both smile down on me and help send my baby/ies to me this month. Three more days until lupron! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Can we talk eyebrows?

I have absolutely nothing to say on the subject of IVF today. Or yesterday. I have recovered somewhat from my freakout, so that's good. Otherwise, I'm just hanging out, taking the BCPs, waiting for the lupron to start. In other words, I'm just sitting around in the most boring part of the cycle.

I finally weighed myself this morning. The result was NOT GOOD. But that's all I'm going to say on that subject. I'll lose weight while I'm breastfeeding, right? Either that or Sarah's joining Weight Watchers come January 1st.

What I really want to discuss, and what has been bugging me for a while, is the subject of eyebrows. Can we talk eyebrows, internet? You see, I saw an article or a little comment or two saying that bushier eyebrows were in. And I decided to immediately jump on the bandwagon. I mean, you can tell me until you're blue in the face that skinny jeans are in, and I'll politely ignore that particular fashion trend as if you'd just farted. Maybe if by next year they're still in, and everyone and their grandmother are wearing skinny jeans, maybe then I'll try a pair. But until then, no dice. Not even those articles that I see saying "curvy girls can wear skinny jeans too!" are persuading me at this point. But tell me that bushy eyebrows are cool? Man, I am there. Because it means less plucking. And less plucking means less work. And less work on appearance and grooming related things are just fabulous in my book. Yes, I'm inherently a lazy slob at heart.

But gawd, it takes forever to grow out your eyebrows! They still don't look like anything. They still look like I just forgot to pluck a few stray hairs, and it's been like 6 weeks or something. OK, they're slowly filling in, but I feel like I constantly want to apologize for the state of my eyebrows. And I ask you, is that a good situation to be in, internet? Being an eyebrow apologist?