Feeling blue

I have spent the afternoon feeling blue, and I don't really know why. I am of course disappointed that I only got 5 eggs, when last cycle I got 14. And everyone tells me that 5 eggs is great, and a lot better than cancellation, and of course they're right. But it doesn't stop me pouting. None of really means anything until the fertilization report tomorrow morning, so I've got to try to stop thinking the worst as it won't do me any good at all.

I keep wondering if I had a lower response because I've put on weight recently. I have put on 12 lbs since my last IVF cycle. 25 in all since my first appointment with the RE. I was ashamed to admit my weight today at the clinic. My friend A. came with me in the procedure room, because they allow spouses to do that so they invited her in too, and at one point they had me spreadeagled and uncovered. And I was so much more worried about the size of my gut than that she could potentially see my hoo-ha. Sigh. I'm also very uncomfortable this afternoon. I feel so bloated and enormous. And did I mention that I'm uncomfortable? I just feel like my life and my body are out of control. I hate my job, I don't like my life in this city, I hate that I am doing IVF and some days I wonder why I am doing this at all. I see so many women getting pregnant so much quicker than me, that sometimes I think I should just give up. Just take it as a sign that it isn't meant to be.

I expected to feel hopeful today. I certainly did this time last cycle. But I just feel sad. Sad that on my third IVF I get 5 eggs out of nearly $14,000. Why do I torture myself with repeated cycles?

I meant to post today about the funny things I said or did under the anesthetic today, seeing as A. was there to hear it all. I figured that would be a quirky funny blog thing, perhaps to show how even with heavy duty drugs in my system I can still entertain. But, sadly, no profession of undying love to the RE. No singing. Not even any farting in the RE's face. I snored.