Deja vu all over again

Well, it wasn't the best news at my ultrasound. It's pretty much deja vu all over again.

I had nine follicles in all. It was hard for her to see my left ovary because she said I had a lot of gas in my bowels. What IS it with my bowels this cycle? No-one's ever mentioned my bowels as being an issue before, and this time they're getting in the way constantly. Hmmm, maybe it's the Bolthouse Green Goodness or something making me gassy. Nice.

Anyway, the uterine lining was 7mm, so that was just peachy. On the right ovary there were only three follicles, 1 at 16mm, 1 at 15mm and 1 at 8mm. On the left ovary there were 6 follicles, 1 @ 12 mm, 1 @ 10mm and 4 @ 8mm. It's like a bad re-run of my first (cancelled) IVF cycle where I had 7 total follicles on cycle day 6, with a 16mm whopper hanging out. By cycle day 7, it was at 19mm. By cycle day 9 it was at 24mm, and I had to trigger even though nothing else had caught up. And there was me yesterday maybe kinda hoping for more than 20 follicles today because I thought the DHEA would have done it's work. But I guess being on birth control for too long messes that up. I wish I'd just waited another month, and done BCP for the regulation 3 weeks, but I wanted to get this cycle over with. And, yes, I wanted an April baby (or two) because, well, Aries and Libra get along well together. So I pushed it. With the doctor's blessing, I hasten to add. He thought everything would be fine, but clearly it's not.

I am so bummed, and depressed. I just don't know if I can do this again. I don't know if I can gear myself up for another IVF cycle, pay all that money and deal with all the angst. I just don't know if I can put myself through that, because I don't know if I have the mental stamina. I probably will do another cycle, I suppose, but I'm definitely getting to the end of my tether on this TTC stuff. I can see the end coming.

I know, it's too early to write this cycle off, and it's quality that counts, not quantity. But if I get booted to an IUI again, I've got the wrong vials of sperm, because they only had IVF vials left at the bank, which only have between 5 and 10 million sperm. The doctor may do an egg retrieval with only a few follicles, but I'm not sure I want to spend all that money if I don't have a good result - I might as well save it for one last try later in the year. I just feel so defeated, I don't really know what to think.