Thursday, August 21, 2008

There's a kind of hush...

I feel like I am waiting. I feel like I have exhaled a huge breath, and I'm in that time period, waiting before inhaling the next breath. It's like one part of my life is over, and the next part of my life will begin shortly. It's not so much as waiting to exhale, as I've done that. But waiting to inhale.

Nothing has happened so far since stopping the Crinone, apart from the cramps and other unpleasantness. But I feel like this will really put my IVF and TTC days behind me. Even if I do a few home insems just for the heck of it, I am not going to expend much energy on it. I am not going to become obsessed about it. I am not going to take drugs and mess with my system. I am going to let what happens, happen. And if I do decide to do a donor embryo cycle or something in a few years, I'm not going to do many. It'll be a one or two shot deal, not a long drawn out process.

I am starting classes next week, and going to a part-time status at work. Next week! I am finally taking the step that will lead me to ending one career and starting a new one. And it's such a radically different step that I feel it will be almost as if I have lived two completely separate lives.

I am rapidly approaching 40. In fact, I will turn 40 in 6 weeks. I am quietly pleased at this. I mean, not pleased that my fertility has been used up, but pleased that I am feeling more relaxed about this whole "life" business and like I truly am an adult now. Of course, I felt at 25 I was truly an adult now, then felt the same at 30, and again at 35. Each age brings new awareness and new maturity, so I suppose it will keep on keeping on. I am planning a few things to mark turning 40 and making this big shift in life (in addition to the whole radical career change, because, you know, that's not enough!). One of those things involves running a half-marathon - I don't know if I can, and I don't know if I will, but the training is going well so far.

I feel at peace with the world. Sure, I've made mistakes in life, but they have been a great learning experience. Sure, I wish I could have had kids. Maybe I still will, but I'm so grateful that I can see being happy without them.

At the same time, I am jittery and excited and nervous about all these changes. It's a good excitement, though, but also comes with a sense of unreality. I keep telling myself that it's up to me to walk into that college classroom on Tuesday morning. Nothing happens unless I take that step. I often had that feeling with IVFs too. Doing that first injection was a big step, with every cycle, really, and so often I thought how there was no-one to hold my hand, no parent (or nurse) to remind me and scold me and tell me not to forget. No-one to propel me to do it except for me. It's all up to me, to take that big step into the brand new world.


Sam said...

At 34 I still feel as if I am a 12-year old boy. Not that I have ever been a boy. I feel like an impostor among my peers. I've done adult things, marriage(s), houses, cars, animals, etc. I'm responsible (I think). But a true adult? Nope.

namaste said...

So good to hear about all the positive things ahead. And I envy your sense of peace about age.


Cindy said...

I look at my life and know I have made mistakes. Sometimes I wonder, "When am I going to grow up and know better?!"

Your changes are so exciting. You are inspiring! I need to make some of those myself. I feel like my life is pretty stagnant.

Good luck next week and with your training!

Billy said...

Good luck inhaling your new life :-) And good luck in the half-marathon. My brother in law also deciced that for his 40th birthday he wants to run a marathon for the first time..