Shameful

Do you ever get that shameful feeling where you know you have just done something bad or stupid, and you hang your head? And you know that you are blushing every time you think about it? And cringe about it all the time. And you get a queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach?

But do you get it when you can't think of anything you have actually done recently that you are ashamed of? For the last couple of days, last night especially, I have been feeling ashamed. And I don't know what of. It's driving me nuts. I keep thinking that I'm going to suddenly be confronted with a loved one's birthday that I forgot at the conscious level of my mind but deep down somewhere, I knew. Or remember that I owe someone a ton of money that I forgot about. Or I'm going to find a nest of rats in the attic because I'm a terrible housekeeper and didn't know that you're supposed to, I don't know, disinfect the a/c outlet pipe. Or find out that the little misunderstanding in Georgia is all my fault. Or something.

Nuts, I tell ya.

Or maybe I am ashamed for even thinking about trying to do a few insems just in case my eggs have some life in them, and am embarrassed about wasting the money. I mean, it's only money, right? Other people buy expensive shoes or handbags - who should really care how I spend mine?

Or maybe I am ashamed that I am not gung-ho about spending a small fortune on solar panels to save the planet just because, well, it's a small fortune and I might not get all of it back when I sell the house?

Cuckoo. That's me.