Monday, August 04, 2008


Warning: wine-fuelled mullings ahead.

Although I promised myself faithfully that I would, under no circumstances, decide what my reproductive future would hold until December at the very earliest, it doesn't stop me mulling things over.  Right now, a donor embryo program is seeming like my best bet because of...well, because of cost.  And epigenetics.  And I feel like I went into this craziness hoping for pregnancy and childbirth as well as the whole kid-raising thing, so it would be nice to have that after all. And why spring for the extra cash for donor eggs when I've stopped caring about genetics so much?  But I warn you, this could all change.  Last week I thought living childfree was the best option. The week before that, adoption was the most wonderful thing in the world.

This is why I have given myself six months.  Because I know that inevitably I will swing wildly between options until I finally settle on one.

But, with all of these options, there is inevitably going to be a waiting period.  And I'm not even sure I should launch into planned parenthood while going to acu school in another city.  Many people have told me it would be craziness.  So even if I finally decide on an option, there may be a 2-year wait.  Or a 3-year wait.  Or something.

Oh, and I didn't tell you that my part-time work schedule got approved, but they talked me into doing an obscene amount of hours on the basis that they would keep paying for benefits if I worked enough hours to qualify.  And somehow I agreed. And now I am going to end up with more cash than I initially thought I'd have.  For a while at least, until I really can't cope with that many hours at work (may be January when my schedule changes, maybe the following January when my schedule changes again).

So, I'm thinking...time's a wasting.  Eggs are going nowhere, and I'm still under 40 so maybe one will be good.  I'll have some disposable cash because I won't be paying for health insurance. Everybody will think I'm a complete nutjob but why the fuck not try a few home insems using a man-in-a-can while I'm waiting. Unless I hook up with a hot guy and try au naturel, which could happen as I am inexplicably finding about 50% more of the male population hot than I ever used to.  We'll see. Perhaps I am just randy.  Perhaps baby-crazed. But I think I might do a few home insems just because I've never tried 'em before.  And before my anonymous commenter chooses to tell me IN ALL CAPS that my eggs are CRAP and I'm wasting my time...I know.  I know.  But really, all I know is that my eggs are 99% crap. There's a part of me that still hopes for a miracle.  And I know the timing won't be perfect, but hey, if it happened it'd be such a fucking miracle I'd move heaven and earth to make it work.  So what if I do a home insem, say every other month?  Just to keep me in the swing of things?  It's like playing the $100 a shot slot machine at the casino, or the lottery.  You know you don't really have a hope, but you get a bit of heady excitement and throw caution to the wind anyway.

I wasn't going to reveal any of this, based on my previous anonymous commenter's disapproval. But eff you.  And wine loosens my tongue (fingers).  So that's what I'm thinking.  In fact, I'd probably start the sperm ordering process now if my cycle wasn't so effed.  But as I now have no hope of knowing when the next cycle will start, or when I'll ovulate following that, I figure I have plenty of time before I need to take action, so maybe we'll do it in October. Or I might drag out the leftover progesterone and make my cycle start again just to get moving. One or the other.


bleu said...

That makes total sense to me. If you were in a relationship/married to a man you would totally still "try" even if you were not trying if you know what I mean. It is one of the frustrations with being a gay woman and with being an SMC, we are sperm challenged and do not have that stuff around to try even when we are on breaks. That said I have heard from the other side that the possibility being there each month makes for more heartbreak where we KNOW we have no chance but still I totally get doing home insems.

I was also a pro at home insems and have tons of pointers should you want any. tricks of the trade so to speak.

I also would think going with one of the 2 cheap sperm banks may be helpful so as not to drain ya so much but it all depends if they have donors you like.

Much love and cheers!!!

Katkun said...

Why not? If you have the cash, I think Northwest is pretty inexpensive and will ship to your home.
You might be lucky, and if not, you won't wonder 'what if...'.


Sam said...

I cannot get over "man in a can", probably because I'm easily amused. I shall sit here and giggle for a while. While you're making decisions about your life, don't forget to keep telling assholes to fuck off, it is important for them to keep their place in the world. A very small, quiet place where we can abuse them to make us feel better.

Ladybird said...

Good for you Sarah, I feel exactly the same about time a wastin and while I try to summon up the will to go to Big City clinic again we are trying au naturel. I also think my eggs are not good with the drugs so always feel an untampered with cycle has more hope but we'll see. Seriously considering ED too and will line it up for sooner rather than later as it may take a while. Was reconciled to the childfree thing but suddenly am so not again. Good luck with the man in the can.

sarah said...

go for it! Screw taht nosy mean old commenter.

Melissa said...

Do it! What the hell not? I am always in complete support of anything that smacks of ongoing hope.....they are your eggs, dammit!! Who else should hold out such high hopes for them. All you need is one good one! GO for it!

calliope said...

Well I think it is a wonderful idea. But you already knew that ;-)


gypsygrrl said...

ummm. i motion we have a National Wine-Drinking-Blogging Day sometime... sounds like fun, no?

the waiting is hard, and i think you should do the first thing. or the second. or the third ;)

good luck with school!!!

Anonymous said...

OK, as a public service can you tell me how a home insem works? Is it just a sperm bank and a turkey baster? I also have crap eggs (was lucky to have a son through donor eggs two years ago) and am in the process of a divorce, and it occured to me that I might as well give donor sperm a try because, well, why not? But I don't think a clinic would take me while I'm in the midst of a divorce unless my husband and I signed something saying he wouldn't be responsible for any resulting children. And he can't do that becauase he's in rehab. And I swear I'm not making this up. And I will go anon for this, because I've shared too much and I don't even have wine as an excuse.

But really, how does it work?

also anon (since I'm fibbing to my clinic) said...

"But I don't think a clinic would take me while I'm in the midst of a divorce unless my husband and I signed something saying he wouldn't be responsible for any resulting children."

Unless you're on your husband's insurance there's no way for a clinic to know your marital status without you telling them. All you need to do is present yourself to the clinic as a single woman.