Thursday, April 24, 2008

The low country

Feeling very low today, and I don't even really know why. I guess it's to do with thinking about my final cycle and the end of three and a half years of my life. Well, longer than that really, as being a mother and even going down to the sperm bank to do it is something that I thought about for years before actually trying to do it. Decades in fact. It was always a comforting thought even as a younger adult - oh, if I'm not married by the time I'm xx, I'll get a kid using a turkey baster!

I suppose also it's bringing up all those old feelings of letting my family down by failing to have children. I still can't imagine telling my dad that I'm stopping treatment and he won't be a grandpa. It just hurts so much to think about the hopes and dreams he had, all coming to nothing.

I recently had some contacts from facebo.ok from my high school days too (well, one was from elementary school) and I guess finding out about their lives is also poignant. Oh sure, I seem to be the exotic one that has the fun life and got away from our crap home town. I have the best job. I live in sunny Florida, after all. But they have kids and I don't. And that will (very probably) always be the divider between me and most of the rest of the world. It's funny, really, they envy me for something I don't care about any more (the fancy job), and I envy them for something they probably don't think about (the ability to get knocked up). I suppose the grass is always greener, and all that.


calliope said...

so sorry for the low day, sweetie. That just bites.

you really hit home when you wrote about there being a divider. SO many (most) of my high school friends have zero interest in having kids and there is a sad sort of comfort in knowing that I won't have to deal with messy & complicated feelings around that.

Sarah, it all just sucks ass. The grass IS greener.


calliope said...

commenting again because I want to and because I want to fill your comment box up with love.


Anonymous said...

Hey, S.
Just wanting to send you hugs and love too...

Aimee & Hannah said...

{{{{{Sarah}}}}}} Just want to send you a bug huge hug!!!

Aimee & Hannah said...

I meant a BIG HUGE HUG :-)

gypsygrrl said...

those ~dividers~ suck. i can relate on the kid thing, why is it that when someone without kids (me) expresses how much i want to be a mom and how i am OK with being a single-mom-by-choice, those who HAVE kids, even hard-won kids, always metaphorically pat me on the head and say i should really think about how hard it is to be a mom with a partner!!!

ok. i know it will be hard. but it doesnt mean it cant be done and is something i should pass by just cuz its hard. i dunno. i am rambling here.

its always hard to hear those things from people who have the one thing your heart aches for.

sending you love ~ hope you felt it thru all my messy rambling!


Tricia said...

Thinking of you and echoing your sentiments. I have the possibility of a new job, and I've had to force myself to get excited about it, because all I really want is to be a mother. I think its totally normal to be envious of other parents (I've progressed to include being jealous of Dad's too....)
Even the WHO views having children as a right not a privilige for heavens sake!
Glad you're happy with the plan your RE has - and if if makes you any more comfortable, I was on 900IU of FSH by the end of last cycle.
xxxx Tricia