Thursday, April 24, 2008

The low country

Feeling very low today, and I don't even really know why. I guess it's to do with thinking about my final cycle and the end of three and a half years of my life. Well, longer than that really, as being a mother and even going down to the sperm bank to do it is something that I thought about for years before actually trying to do it. Decades in fact. It was always a comforting thought even as a younger adult - oh, if I'm not married by the time I'm xx, I'll get a kid using a turkey baster!

I suppose also it's bringing up all those old feelings of letting my family down by failing to have children. I still can't imagine telling my dad that I'm stopping treatment and he won't be a grandpa. It just hurts so much to think about the hopes and dreams he had, all coming to nothing.

I recently had some contacts from facebo.ok from my high school days too (well, one was from elementary school) and I guess finding out about their lives is also poignant. Oh sure, I seem to be the exotic one that has the fun life and got away from our crap home town. I have the best job. I live in sunny Florida, after all. But they have kids and I don't. And that will (very probably) always be the divider between me and most of the rest of the world. It's funny, really, they envy me for something I don't care about any more (the fancy job), and I envy them for something they probably don't think about (the ability to get knocked up). I suppose the grass is always greener, and all that.

7 comments:

calliope said...

so sorry for the low day, sweetie. That just bites.

you really hit home when you wrote about there being a divider. SO many (most) of my high school friends have zero interest in having kids and there is a sad sort of comfort in knowing that I won't have to deal with messy & complicated feelings around that.

Sarah, it all just sucks ass. The grass IS greener.

xo

calliope said...

commenting again because I want to and because I want to fill your comment box up with love.

so THERE!

Anonymous said...

Hey, S.
Just wanting to send you hugs and love too...
Margie

Aimee & Hannah said...

{{{{{Sarah}}}}}} Just want to send you a bug huge hug!!!

Aimee & Hannah said...

I meant a BIG HUGE HUG :-)

gypsygrrl said...

those ~dividers~ suck. i can relate on the kid thing, why is it that when someone without kids (me) expresses how much i want to be a mom and how i am OK with being a single-mom-by-choice, those who HAVE kids, even hard-won kids, always metaphorically pat me on the head and say i should really think about how hard it is to be a mom with a partner!!!

ok. i know it will be hard. but it doesnt mean it cant be done and is something i should pass by just cuz its hard. i dunno. i am rambling here.

its always hard to hear those things from people who have the one thing your heart aches for.

sending you love ~ hope you felt it thru all my messy rambling!

xo

Tricia said...

Thinking of you and echoing your sentiments. I have the possibility of a new job, and I've had to force myself to get excited about it, because all I really want is to be a mother. I think its totally normal to be envious of other parents (I've progressed to include being jealous of Dad's too....)
Even the WHO views having children as a right not a privilige for heavens sake!
Glad you're happy with the plan your RE has - and if if makes you any more comfortable, I was on 900IU of FSH by the end of last cycle.
xxxx Tricia