Monday, April 21, 2008

Infertility sucks ass

I'm sick of infertility. Sick of it. I want my life back. I want to stop worrying and stop weeping and living life stuck in this hell.

As a small example - yesterday I watched Dateline. They had a feature on toxic load, and tested two families - the treehugging vegetarians and a regular family. Not surprisingly, the treehuggers had fewer chemicals in their bodies, apart from Bisphenol A, where they had high loads, and way more than the average folk. Which was due to all the canned beans they eat, because even the cans of organic beans are lined with Bisphenol A-containing plastics. So of course I immediately started berating myself for being a treehugging vegetarian who eats canned beans, and wondering if that is the cause for my infertility. And it didn't matter that I didn't KNOW about this Bisphenol A in cans until a few weeks ago. I was still kicking myself. I hate that. I mean, I've chosen not to buy any more canned things, but am still going through my cupboards using them up. Then I was wondering if I should stop eating the canned beans until after the IVF or if that was just too much overkill. I mean, really, I was beating myself up when it wasn't my freakin' fault. But yet I can't stop, because there's always that little voice inside my head wondering WHY this has happened to me, and if there's anything I can do differently to fix the problem.

And then a little later I watched Masterpiece Theatre which was showing My Boy Jack. About Jack Kipling (ably played by Harry Potter, er sorry, Daniel Radcliffe) going off to war in WWI. Where he was killed at 18 years and 1 day old on his first day of warfare. And they had had a daughter who died when she was 7. I sobbed and sobbed at the thought of children dying. At war. At the thought of me never having children, of always having to live with that sorrow. And in general at just the crapness of life that you open your heart up so much and then have it ripped apart. I never used to be such a weeper but I am now and it doesn't seem to be going away any time soon.

So there you are. What should have been a mindless evening of TV watching yet again turned into a reminder of why I hate infertility.

7 comments:

Heather said...

I don't know how much you have invested in canned beans...could you donate them? I don't think it is the canned beans fault, but hell - if it makes you feel better, do it.

bleu said...

I am so sorry Sarah, for your pain, for the unfairness of it all, and for IF in general.
I am a weeper. It is who I am and I embrace it these days. I think it takes more strength to show emotion than not, to empath than not so I think, although it is hard, that it is a good thing to feel.

I hate the second guessing every thing we may have done wrong that could have "caused" the IF. It is crap and so irritating.

I am sending you much love and gentleness.

Cindy said...

You shouldn't beat yourself up. It's not your fault. It's just the way it is. There are so many crappy eaters with horrible lifestyles even in their late 30's and 40's and they STILL get pg. Believe me. I have seen them. So, it has nothing to with what you have done or what you did not do. It is what it is. You have to come to accept that one day so that you can find peace in all of this. I had to do the same thing. I had to just let it go and realize it was not meant to be for me. Easier said than done for sure. You still have one more cycle to do and hopefully that works out. If not, at some point you have to stop berating yourself for something that is completely beyond your control.

I feel your pain and have been exactly where you are. Hang in there. It will get better. {{{hugs}}}

mimi said...

IF totally sucks. It's not not not fair. The mystery of it all is a huge part of the unfairness. I am not one of those who believes human suffering is all part of some grand plan. It simply sucks, and you have every right to weep.

You are in a state of grief from your most recent cycle and the devastating news that accompanied it. Allow yourself time to feel bad, but know that you will make it through somehow. And know that there are many of us out here pulling for you and sending you virtual hugs!

katty said...

Dear Sarah,
I am sorry that this is so unbearable.
Thinking of you.
Kx

sarah said...

The weeping is awful. NPR and global warming has got me completly weepy--actully its the infertility, but all of the pain and sorrow in the world just seems to seep into the wound and makes it sting that much more.

Anonymous said...

This comment pertains more to your recent post about maybe deciding to live child free if your next attempt doesn't work. I had two great aunts who lived wonderful lives and they were childfree. They were sisters and lived together most of their life. Neither one married. (As one of them said, She was picky and You never know when a suitor will be your last!) One was a nurse and one a teacher. They had so many hobbies (sewing, gardening, cooking, travelling, etc.) and volunteer activities and holiday dinners for relatives. They were warm and loving people. They had very fulfilling lives. They had lots of friends and they were also very religious. My sisters and I always joked that if getting married and/or having children was not in the cards for us, We would just be like Mae and Louise, which would be okay.