Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Return of da fear, part 6

Last night, I realized the fear had returned. I've been blaming my jitteriness of the past few days on work stress and the consumption of caffeine. Yes, I was bad, I fell off the caffeine abstinence wagon. But yesterday I was good, I crawled back on the wagon and really tried to de-stress when I got home.

But the jitteriness didn't go away. And I kept thinking "holy crap! I'm going to be travelling to NY in less than 2 weeks!". And then looking around the house, which has deteriorated into its usual chaotic state, and thinking "I'm not ready". I am calmer this time, somewhat, about the actual IVF. I am now determined not to ask for E2 levels so that I don't stress while stimming. "Que sera sera" is my new motto. Though I think Doris Day would turn in her grave at my bad singing every time I try to drown out the other thoughts with a spirited rendition. But being away from home is stressing me out. Being away from my kitty is stressing me out. And I'm nervous. What if Big Clinic isn't the answer to my prayers? What if it still doesn't work? And what if it does? I'm so used to failure that I'm not sure how I'll deal with success.

1 comment:

calliope said...

I hate this kind of tww!!! All of the anxiety floating around, all of teh stress...ugh!
Just know that you have so MANY cheerleaders rooting for you & for success. I am so excited for you.