Out of sorts

I went back to acu this morning - I hadn't been in a month. It was very emotional for me explaining to the acu that my local RE doesn't want to treat me any more and that I'll be going out of state now. I don't really know why it was so hard. It's all bound up in my sorrow at not being able to continue to try naturally inbetween IVF cycles, because I don't have a husband, and that I feel they don't really approve of IVF, and because I feel I'm letting them down. And because she didn't have any new ideas, and even said my body responds really well to acupuncture. Well, clearly something isn't responding! So I spent most of my time bawling my eyes out and not being really able to answer questions properly. Especially after she asked "so what about after Big New Clinic? Have you considered adoption?" Well, duh, nobody does IVF without considering adoption. But I'd like a bit more support while I'm still trying with my own eggs, thanks very much, and I don't want to be asked questions in a manner that presumes it's going to fail.

Sigh.

We're going to have a review meeting after my telephone consultation with Big New Clinic, when presumably we'll know the plan for moving forward. But if they don't have any new ideas, I don't know what to do. There aren't any more acupuncturists locally who specialize in infertility. They are already my third acupuncture clinic. I don't feel I can go somewhere else. I keep trying to think of acu as just for relaxation purposes, because after all, it does relax me. But after reading The Infertility Cure so many times, I suppose I'm still looking for that magical moment when everything comes into balance and I can get pregnant. I guess I'll set up a couple of appointments with an acu in the Big City, for when I go to visit Big New Clinic, but that won't exactly have long to have an effect.

Just why is this so fucking hard all the time?