Back to what I said in the beginning. As usual.

I think I'm finally getting somewhere with my thinking. It's been a messy, disordered process, but I think things are becoming clear to me.

I have decided that I don't want to do a consult at Fancy-Schmancy Clinic. The cherry picking, the insistence on certain tests that I don't think are necessary (like a clomid challenge test after I've done 4 stimulated cycles - I mean, what's the use?), the brash commercialism, all of that, isn't sitting well with me. Sure, if I could get in, it looks like I'd have a good chance. But I don't want to be constantly worried about cancellation or getting dropped. And then there is the logistics of getting there and doing the cycle. So that one is out. For good. I understand that if you fail at Big New Clinic, Fancy-Schmancy Clinic won't take you as you're too difficult of a case. Oh well, so be it.

Then there is Immune-Specializing Clinic #1 and Clinic #2. While they are all very nice and lovely, I don't want to be stuck in this decision making vacuum for too long. I just know if I do phone consultations I will be exactly where I am today - stuck at making a decision between two (or three) competing protocols. I won't know which one is better for me any more than I do today. And I do believe that my problem is egg quality, not immune factors, so that is a big part of everything. So I have decided to put my faith in Big New Clinic and just go for it. If it fails, then Immune-Specializing Clinic will still be there. But I'll copy all my medical records just in case I have to send them off quickly for a last-minute consult, as a girl reserves the right to change her mind.

So there it is. I am all about Big New Clinic. I will see what they have to say without the thought of a third opinion. If I absolutely hate them, I will think about an opinion at Immune-Specializing Clinic. If I don't absolutely hate them, if they think they can help me, if they are offering anything different from the local clinic, then I will do the cycle at Big New Clinic.

And just so you know, I do this every freakin' time. With everything. I'm really quite bored of myself, but can't seem to change my behavior. I make a decision fairly quickly, often based on my gut instinct. And then I question it for a while, swinging backwards and forwards and generally acting like a decapitated chicken wondering if it is the right decision, and finally plump for whatever it was I decided in the first place. It could be which pair of shoes to buy, what item to pick from the menu at dinner, or it could be which place to do IVF#5, go to college, which job to take, etc, etc. Doesn't matter what the scale of the decision it is, I seem to do the same thing. I wish I could just cut out all the useless second-guessing and go for it with my first thought.

In semi-related vagina news, my period arrived totally unexpectedly on Sunday. Either I had a 10-day luteal phase (not good), or I ovulated earlier than picked up by the software at that site but it was such a pathetically weak ovulation that my temperature didn't rise appropriately (not good but not entirely unexpected after a failed IVF), or a combination of a shortish-LP and a weakish ovulation. And I didn't get my usual premenstrual pain, which may be down to the Chinese herbs that I am self dosing with, or may just be coincidence. So, I was rather surprised when it put in an appearance shortly after breakfast, and I had to run to the store while the rest of the family were in church (yes, you may call me a heathen) in order to buy some sanitary protection. No, I didn't miss church just to buy sanitary items, I was already missing church to start with, in order to spend some quality time with the crossword. But sadly, I am being a good girl and following the acu's requirement to use pads rather than those allegedly bad for you but oh-so-much-pleasanter-to-use and easier-to-carry-around-for-emergencies tampons, and therefore only had a liner in my handbag. Unfortunately, as I don't know the neighborhood all that well I ended up at a 7-11 and they only had these giant monster pads, or mattresses as I like to call them. And they weren't even overnight pads, these were marked as "regular" size so I shudder to think what the "maxi" size are like. It's like being 13 again.

Anyhoo, the reason that news was semi-related to IVF is that Big New Clinic closes its lab down periodically, so in order to get into a particular series of cycles, your periods have to put in an appearance before or after certain dates. As this last cycle was shorter than I'd have liked, this of course puts me squarely into a "closed" time period for when I expect dear Aunt Flo, and may mean that I have to have an extra month's break in order to be able to cycle in the following series. Not so bad for the weight loss attempts, but bad for the sanity saving attempts. Meh.